Safety

I read one take which was quite nice. It was about when a safe person enters your life, they are appalled at the kinda bullshit you have gone through because at times we are unable to gauge for ourselves how utterly awful the stuff that happens to us truly is. I think this is very true.

I remember being shocked at some of the things M has once said he had faced, even his friend. And what stuck me the most was how nonchalantly they both stated it like it was normal. Fuck. I wanted to give them both a huge hug and tell them ffs none of that is normal. Don't ever think that, it was fucking garbage and you all deserve better. His friend had even said he hooked up with some older lady when he was a teen and it was so awful to hear. But even he behaves badly now so idk what to say. Men sometimes really don't realise when something wrong is happening to them. Plus this stupid male habit of always high fiving stuff like this when they are kids also doesn't help.  I don't know man. Very late in life I've started understanding male perspective on these things and how a lot of them have also been Ill treated. It's hard for guys to talk about it openly too I feel. In all of this it's always fucking adults who are at fault esp when they are shitty to kids. Always. And now that we are the adults it's scary to think that some of us might be bad role models for children too. 

Even for me, after a lot of my good friends came about is when I realised how much nonsense had happened to me and what I had put up with... It was quite a realisation. But... Idk it's nowhere close to the kinda shit I've seen these guys talk about. Somehow, on balance I've always had a good life and I've never been with anyone that was outright mean. Like long back M compared someone he dated to his other friends' throuple lady and I can't even imagine what kinda shit that would have been like. Why tf did he even stay with such a lady? I don't even know how scarring that must have been. Fuck. And I understand then why he hates conflict and such too, shit like that will make you v protective of yourself and v distrustful to boot. Hmmm. But he would have overcome it by now I suppose, atleast I hope so. That's the thing that had struck me when we were not talking also... How he just assumed I wouldn't want to and didn't say anything like did he think I don't even value him enough to treat him with love and respect just cuz we had a fight? Damn man. I might scold when something wrong is done but I won't betray and abandon on a whim like that. Hmmm. Lmao...even when he was the one that was a dick to me, hurt me in such a mean way and yet here I am, hoping he feels safe. Haha. Le irony. I don't expect a single thing from you anymore, especially not niceness, and yet I don't wish to let myself go down some road of hate and be unkind. Lucky you. Lol. You actually are quite lucky. You take people for granted, don't you? :) it's a privilege, and at the end of the day I'm glad you have that tbh. Anyway, I told myself I will never think of this again so banish it nowwww. Plus, I guess knowing you has made me so much more considerate. I used to be sooooo impatient and so completely brash but I'm so much more mindful now of what I say, how I say it, will it be taken the wrong way, should I rephrase it? All of that I think of, within reason, before I speak. I like that. I'm a lot softer externally, which is very new for me. I used to hide that side of me lots before. H had told me long back I was like a soft marshmallow on the inside and a coconut on the outside hahahah. True-ish. 

Ugh. When someone is your friend or your close friend or your best friend... You love them and want all nice things for them. That's such a natural thing for me and so many people I know. I always assumed that was a universal thought. The outside world can suck, but your inner circle always has to be good to you. Always. 

I was very, very, very naive. But you know what? I think I prefer the naivety to normalising shitass behaviour or think of it as ' yeah it exists' and just take it as a given. 

Man. Life can be really rough sometimes. I don't have all the answers but what can we do except try to do the best we can with what we have?