Options

Only over the last year or so, I've realised what it can feel like to be an option in someone's life. It's  interesting. I haven't really been a part of the crowd that dates incessantly, all my equations were at the very least long term. By the time I was single, I was not in a place where I wanted to date. And even now, my fundamental nature hasn't changed.

I value people. And I don't compromise. That's an honest truth. But I took the fact that they value me for granted for most of my adult life. In some way atleast. All my equations were always crafted with care though, and there was a sense of solidity in all of them. 

And the recent past has taught me that either hmmmm. Actually no, I may have misjudged things. But I don't think I'll ever actually accept the concept of being an option to someone. I'm neither jaded nor am I built for flippance. I simply don't think that someone who can treat you as an option will ever see you as anything other than 'best they could find' or some nonsense like that. This thought came to me when Di told me the other day that she would not have married if not for 'societal pressure'. I was completely aghast at the thought. I would hate it if my partner was saying this within a year of marrying me. And then I thought...hmm...I don't think I would choose a partner like that in the first place. Like how insulting is it if you know that someone you promise your life to tends to think that they would do better than you, while using all your niceness and care? I would be absolutely crushed at the thought. And I don't want to go through life just begging someone to love me or hoping they do or like that line from Grey's where she just goes pick me, choose me, love me. Like no man. It makes me sick to even think that. If you aren't in love with me, pls don't make me think you are or try to pick me choose me lol... I would hate you the instant I found out. That is such a nightmare. 

Actually even the idea of this made me realise how important it is to have your own sense of self worth. And I've started drawing back from people who don't make me feel good now. Even if slow, I don't think I'll cater to bad behaviour and eventually I'll just detach if it continues. I don't need breadcrumbs.

At the end of the day, things can't be that hard. Not in areas that matter. If someone doesn't make you feel nice, if they don't make you feel important, if you have to worry about their feelings towards you, then just say fuck off lol. Life is way too short to just crawl through forever. 

And I hate to say it, but I hope her husband never realises this about her. Because the day he does, I'm not sure how he would feel. It would be nightmarish to know that all the times you loved them, were nice, planned things, took care of them... They were just thinking I could do better. This quality is very specific to women I think and I detest it. It's like ripping someone's soul out who was nothing but good to you. 

That's one quality I'm actually quite happy to have in me - I don't use people and I'm not scared of being alone or doing the hard work. I would never ever deceive someone into thinking I love them when I don't. And I would certainly never ruin someone's life by marrying them then being unfulfilled after that. 

After all the stupid, shitty things I've been through, my one hope is that I never end up with a person like that. What a sad thing to say about a friend but it is what it is.