Neimz again talking about no invites and his mentor busy harassing Danya who lost 15-0 to some kid. 💀 Why are people so unhinged and why is it that in 2025 of all the things I find myself feeling sorry for neims? Rensch also implying shit yet again just to promote a documentary noone is gonna watch anyway. How sad are people, just selling morals for no reason.  Can someone, anyyyyone... Just rise above? For onceeeee I want to read something positive sheesh. 

~

Idk man. Whenever I see these people and how terribly they act towards each other I honestly feel so repulsed. Long back I saw someone comment that they got banned from neims chat for trying to hit on him and I actually found it respectable. He isn't trying to encourage non chess stuff which is actually great. I remember noting long back that he doesn't seem disrespectful towards women, doesn't immediately jump to acting like they are sex objects. Tbf even bartholomew and a bunch of others don't. They set and maintain standards. It's nice. 

~

Only 2025 could bring about such a change that you end up feeling respect for a guy like neimz. But I honestly do respect that he is trying to do better and not encouraging low quality behaviour. Who tf would have though he of all peeps would do that haha. What a topsy turvy world we live in? Well, good on him. I'm saturated with the low quality behaviour that's getting spammed everywhere now, feels like seeing trash tv that is unrelenting. Time for quality spaces to start existing once again. 

Best

 Maaaan. This is so cute. 

So many lil lil nuggets on lichess ugh. Adorbs. A page for all best live games. And it's just simply games/best. How adorable. Thibs really thinks of everything in the simplest and most elegant manner. Hehe. And it looks super cute to see all the pieces move in real time like tiny ants busy with their little enterprises. Love it. This fellow is also in the mix but I won't send it to him. Not seeing that stupid lol there again

Pms

Everytime I feel sad, Every time I cry. I get my periods the next day. And then I forget and am fine for 25 days. Every time. 😐 

~

Rereading the stuff I deleted and I'm quite surprised at how it was written and how woebegone I felt lol. Day before periods really does mess with mood.

~

None of what I thought was untrue though. Heh. That part possibly sucks the most. Hmmm. And on this fine, sunny morning... I finally remembered why that lawyer thing had annoyed me. I recalled when I first went by him in like 2022 or so... his friend mentioned his dad was one. And later he told me his dad was a doc so I was puzzled. Then later made the connect that one must be a step parent. Then never spoke of it or asked because seemed personal. Only to have him pretend like he couldn't recommend the name of a stupid law firm when I needed it. What kinda person does that man. 

And this just leaves me irritated at myself for having been so careful and caring towards him, and his feelings when all he did was get pleasure by hurting me and then acting all shady towards me. And then coming by to read all about it cuz I guess that made him happy. 💀 Who does shit like this dude. Seriously. Even that 900+ thing hoaxing like I too noticed that exact same insta thing at that time? 🙄. For someone acting like oh privacy is privacy he sure as shit didn't have an issue considering mine. Ugh. Sad part is that's not even something that bothers me in the least it's the other unrelenting dickery that does. Well, he got all stubborn and didn't speak to his friend also for ages even though I kept telling him to talk because ofc one must only care about our fragile ego and never the people who have our backs. Blah. Not like his friend has his back so whatever... Both are asses. Good. Deserve each other only. 🙄🖕

~

Well, let's not think of negative stuff, atleast try not to. It is hard when mood gets sucky but meh. Power through. 

~

I should just start leaving little notes to him here for whenever he stops by also lol. " Hey darling! Long time no see! Hope you doing well. Tee hee!" 

~

Gah. Whatever. Had to snark. But it is well deserved so why not. 

~

900 fucking times in lieu of just saying yo what's up. Sheesh. Needs one nice amount of shouting, truly. Unhinged of me also to not mind that and take it in stride but if I had to judge him and write him off I'd have done it eons ago anyway. Guess I just understand people a bit too well for my own good. 

🙄

I also need a shouting but what would be the point? Not like I'm not stubborn asf either. 

Baby bros bday! 🎈🎂 He is a baby no mo. Asking for gift to be delivered haha. So cute ya! Hope it reaches today! 🤞hehe and just discovered he shares bdays with Fisher I hope he doesn't go insane! 🤞🤞

Women's day

Vishy's post for Polgar just was so nice. Posting one of his losses to her. He has always been appreciative of her, I respect that so much. To acknowledge someone, give them respect. He has been consistent about it as well. One thing only secure men and women can do. Hehe. These little things are the traits of a champion man. Not everyone can be one. 

~

I think in general people who are competitive find it hard to rise about pettiness to give credit to other peers. But once they can, it shows that they grow and realise that they aren't the centre of the universe and that there's a lot more to life and living than just playing a game. It's great to be competitive but you should realise that the universe is fucking huge and you are but a speck. A touch of genuine humility is important to keep your own self in check. 

~

Hehe. Even dad wished me and mum today, it feels so cute. ♥️ Guys should really know how to fuss over women and make them feel nice hehe. 

Tun tung tung tung

I found you in 2022. And fell in love with your voice. I did, I do, I always will. That lovely deep rumble. 

Ocean of Night

~

This is your slow dance and this is your chance to transform

Lost in a moment

The moment your confront the storm

~

Do it. Just do it. Hehe. Face your own storm and tell it ' you shall not pass' gandalf style 

~

I am your hope down the wire

So you can hold back the fire

~

Ugh. Voices. They fucking get me everytime. 

~

I found a lot of music that year. And a lot of life. I felt just so alive. This ezpz, not so famous song became one I loved, and I know exactly why. Sometimes you don't need masterpieces, right time, right place and it all just fixes itself. 

Shadows

Seeing Kyrgios crying after his wrist injury. For a moment I felt a bit bad for him. But that moment passed and irritation set in. I just hate what he represent. I respect sports and athletes a lot. Endurance sports are my own personal preference. The mental aspect of it is what I love because of its brutality and demand for discipline. Seeing a man like kyrgios. Just trying to fly on "generational talent" etc. is so loathsome to me. The lack of discipline, the drinking, the sleeping late, no care about fitness and then wanting the tag of swashbuckler who didn't try but could have been great if he did. All of it I dislike. People like this are noisy and make themselves out to be more than they are. But that weak mentality is always their undoing. I would have felt empathy if it was genuine struggle or if he were trying but this stuff is just childish whining to me, and one of the few things I look on with such hardness in my heart. There must be some kind of reason why I dislike it as well. 

~

I think I just hate erraticness as well. Like I look down on it. I've always hated it when people lose control and snap all the time or just ... Idk like lack any semblance of command over their choices. It feels like seeing an alcoholic or an addict who just can't help themselves and idk ... Something about that isn't appealing to me at all. I always feel like you gotta try to be better, you gotta try to do well, you gotta more than anything have self control and self censoring. 

When I dated that semi abusive dude many moons ago. I recall not being afraid of him but just annoyed and disdainful at his outbursts and general lack of consistency. Lol. Damn, it's one of the few times in life I was just like yuck. And I realised at the time that men like that are so weak I would never like them, just look down on them. 

~

I guess in the end it's not really Kyrgios I dislike I don't know him. But the persona he embodies, the characteristics... All of that is something that's kinda repulsive to me. I like rooted, grounded folks that can do the grind and not take their bullshit out on others around them. It's the only respect worthy trait. Whining, whinging, out of control ego that just a front for massive insecurity. All of it is just so 🤢. Sheesh, just work on yourself. 

~

A lot of this might be my shadow side. Or maybe psychology is all a hoax so we buy their books. 

Characters

Meeting cousin after so long. It was so nice of him to drop by. I really do like some of my mom's side peeps esp this family. They are all so sweet and kind. I enjoy company like this. We aren't similar in the true sense but there's a camaraderie you feel when you have the same kind of concern towards each other. It's interesting how his entire family is loved by all, but I suppose it's cuz they are very kind and sweet themselves. 

~

I've become a lot more mild and sweet as a person too. Especially in speech. I'm so much more affectionate now. Hehe. I guess the ice has melted somewhat. I like that. I know I'll never be mild mannered, nor do I wish to be. But I wish to be around people like my cousin and similar. It's such a stark contrast to people like C etc. Around him I'm always on edge cuz he is soooo overbearing and kinda crosses boundaries a lot. I guess secure people are rare, and easier to spot. You never have to be an observer around them. You can just be. Hehe. 

~

My book of characters and personalities is growing. My empathy tends to make them uninteresting though. To be interesting, I have to maybe... Just maybe... Dive into the flawed ones just to derive conflicts haha. Well, for books and stories I can use this. For real life, it had to be good ones that give you peace. 

~

Also, I'm legit tired of talking today lol. I can't do sessions that long man. Haha. Who would have thought. But yeah it is tiring to just sit in a place and talk. Dayum. Need some alone time to recharge. Comfortable silences are very overlooked hehe. 

New year

Oo shana tova. Interesting. Man, I really like this show so much. Hmmm. And wine for new years too. How nice. 

Heyyy... So when this fellow said he has a glass of wine occasionally is this the occasion? Or more liiiies? Haha. Drunk in bars trying to pick up ladies more likely. Heh.✌️and telling me not to lol. 

~

I can ask maya about all this when I speak to her. Idk if she is that religious tbh. But probably atleast knows the basic stuff like we all do about ours. Haha. If someone quizzed me about mine idk what I could tell. Actually the most things I know are from the stories my grandmother told me as a kid. Man, I used to love that. Every night just badger her to tell me more and more tales. Hehe. But that was good I actually learnt a lot. Learning this stuff as a kid just makes you happy like you are listening to tales that are marvellous. There's a certain affection I hold for that. It's so nice when you are brand new. The entire world is your lil playground. It's sad we lose that innocence as we age. I held on to mine for so long. Reading some old diary entries and my god I was suuuuch a baby. So damn innocent. Haha. I wish sometimes I hadn't needed to grow up. It would simply have meant that I had a blessed life. I still do, I love it and I love how fortunate I am. But a tiny part of me really wishes it was just a simple sweet thing. Eh naaaah. I'm happy with my lot tbh. I'm happy and grateful and happy to grow up and grow older hehe. No regrets, just love! Hehe shana tova to us all, may 2025 be good. So cheesy, but who cares. 💕

Watching the knightodds bot destroy Dubov also. Man, it's remarkable how it plays. Just love it. I get why I love sadlers games so much too, they are all moulded like this. I love it. Somehow as a spectator it's sooo much easier to understand plans idk why that is. There's something about attention here I'm missing I want to badly rectify that. Hmmm. And dubs is 2829 just needs to drop a point for the one number I like haha. He is a good player, that one. 

~

I see Naptha added RefuteMyGambit as a bot today too. Interesting. It has morra and reverse morra too. This guy might actually like it. Well, if you sneak by here, check it out when you do read it lol. 

https://lichess.org/g2Y9lCEY/white

Cheers! 

~

Waking up with less then 5 hours sleep and more dark circles than I've ever seen in life and trying to SMILE. 

Stupid sunshine making the day sunny. 

I felt a genuine, piercing sense of hurt today. Followed by the realisation that it would not matter. 

~

Tf was I even thinking... 

~

The Star

Oh my god.

I am stunned. 4 pages is all it took for Clarke to write this stunning masterpiece. 

I am speechless at the ending. Just. Wow. Absolutely wow. 

~

I think it's the best short story I have ever read period. It's so profound I feel uneasy. Lol.

~

Rereading the last question also and this time around I'm so not convinced with its flow. Hmmm. I guess I find Jorge Luis a lot more intricate but I suppose Asimov is a lot more accessible? It's interesting the complexity difference between the two. Never thought I would say this but yeah, Asimov is actually a bit more simplistic to me. Entertaining yes. But not in the same league. And yet, the simplicity is what makes it more accessible somehow. Borges is so much more complex that it makes for difficult reading. Atleast for me. Hmmm. 

Reminder

Note to self: You never know what someone is dealing with.. never. It always struck me how positive this person used to be in the building chats, and I thought he was a retired person only to find out this today when he shared it. Man. It feels so gutting sometimes to realise this stuff. 

~

Always choose kindness it's the safest and best option. Even when you are annoyed asf. There are days when I feel stretched to the max, and my patience wears thin but I really must remind myself in those moments that it's of utmost importance to choose to respond with empathy. 

~

It's humbling to realise how people who sometimes deal with so much often show such a sunny disposition and a happy countenance to the world. It would be so hard to do that. 

Rough Diamonds

My new hobby of watching a show while cycling is giving me new info. Seeing rough diamonds and I actually didn't know orthodox Judaism is a matrilineal society. That's so nice. The prayers around the dining table is actually something I can't understand because of language, but it's just interesting how so many cultures have similar tradition. I love the concept of challah. Hehe, cuz I love bread too and it looks absolutely delish on top of the custom being something I like. One should always give thanks and be grateful for what we have. Keeps us grounded and teaches us humility. Hmmm. I've always felt religion is best understood when you aren't born in it, because people don't get to force your views and you can freely look at things and understand them. And there is no burden of obeisance. In this way, my lens is atleast clear and I'm glad. 

~

Hehe and the old bearded grandad at the head of that table is sooo cute. Grandpa Ezra. P also named her daughter that. I remember her loving the name. 

~

If M grows his beard out and grows super old, he will also look as adorbs as this grandpa. Although this grandpa seems all mild and sweet lol. Whereas he will be a total grumps hahahhaa. Heh. The version of him that possibly just exists in my imagination is so damn lovable. Hehe. 

~

Why are oldie grandads so cute man? Ugh. 

Interesting that a matrilineal society still has a man at the head of the table, eh? I don't know how to feel about that. 

~

Hmmm. But I always see this way of binding a family together under religion to be a way to preserve businesses tbh. It's easy for me to observe something from a distance and see the value in it but living it when it's forced on you is very different. Part of why I hated business stuff growing up was simply because there's usually one head that creates it and the rest have to keep toeing the line in order to get their share and something about that is so abhorrent to me. Independence in choices is something that I've valued before I could even understand that. My rebellion since I was a kid was simply so I could maintain autonomy and choose to live my life my way. .  Esp since parts of my fam seemed so controlling and regressive that I just could not allow myself to give in. And I've always known this one thing... if you have greed for something... that's your yoke which is self imposed. Today, as an adult I have all the freedom I want. And when I now look at this stuff, I feel like ... The parts of me that are diplomatic and willing to compromise exist but only for things I deem of value to me. I can manage people, I know that. But I'd only choose to do so if I want to - for someone I care about. I've always made sure to give room, try to read someone's wishes and be a supportive presence in their lives. But I do it cuz I care and only because I have the autonomy to choose. If someone tried to make me ... That won't happen, I can't digest what I would then interpret as servitude.  I know that creating or being part of a family needs diplomacy, care, value and I'd provide it ezpz from my side but only because I actually like and respect the person I'm with and for a more selfish reason too - cuz I want to create a happy, stable life and part of that is ensuring that you... Dammit... That you bind family together well. Hahah. Shit. Boomer me. Well I'd do it for love not money, but I can't pretend like my motives would be any less selfish. It's just the end goal that's different. Oh well, I don't have any illusions about mine and what I value and choose to protect. Hmmm. Lol. I think like coders only. Task... What it requires to be accomplished... Best way to do it. Figure. Lots of things in the world can be accomplished if you take ego out of the equation. I guess this might be my one traditional thought as well. Women should bring families together. And so should men tbh. You only enable a woman to do so if you respect and support her. So I guess maybe not so much of a traditional thought.  + idk dude... Make your own bag yo. Don't depend on others to do it for you. Autonomy only comes from the ability to support yourself. Life is sweet when your life is about your own choices. 

~

Oh no! Grandpa Ezra fell. :( dammit he is so cute man. Ugh. He is totes the older version of this fellow hahah. Plus they all have fantastic hair haha. 

~

Oh this show is set in current times I didn't know people in Antwerp actually wore traditional attire even now. Wait, then why is that widow lady looking to meet such old 60+ yo dudes and not ones her age? Weird. And Grandpa Ezra's wife doesn't want a goyish woman to help her in her big home hahahahhaha. Shit. Idk why that made me laugh, just the inappropriateness lmfao. Old people and their discomfort with anything not familiar. Geriatrics are deffo the most racist fucks out there but just so funny at the same time. 

~ 

Ooo AK's wife also comes from a diamond merchant family no. I wonder if her extended family is similar to this too. Both our diamond community and this one are so similar in customs. And both love money above all ahha. 

~

Switched to some Finegold vid and zomg. Is he ok? Looks very sickly and was shaking so much. God, I hope it's nothing serious that tremor looked like Parkinson's. He used to also have a facial tremor. Oh man. Hope I'm wrong asf. Changed upon this after so long and was such a different person from the one I remember. 

~

The Florida Project

It's crazy how time makes such a difference in perspective. The first time I saw this movie, I loved it. But I never appreciated some of the nuances of the supporting cast. Now that I'm older, I kinda get the adults who don't want their kids to hang out with the troublemaking kids. I'd never viewed life from the pov of people in the service industries and generally trying to get by. Nor was single unwed young mothers a thing I was used to considering. They themselves are kids so they can't exactly be role models. Damn man. But the end result is just kids growing up without any semblance of continuity or decency like how do you correct that? It's never right to blame kids ofc, but sometimes you also can't blame the parents it's just a cycle of bad choices that gets you there. 

Dammit yo. I'm actually understanding these boomers and the fears they might have had. Hmmmm. 

I still love this film, it's absolutely beautiful. But it's a more sombre beauty in my eyes now. I love that the lens of a child is used though, it's somehow so liberating and innocent. Kids are precious. Most definitely! 

~

Childhood is funny. You are in your own world and these adults are just in the background being adults but we never think of the phenomenal role they play in keeping us safe. That scene where these kids go into an abandoned building and start doing bs just gave me anxiety lmao. Lighting shit on fire. Crazy. Or that pedo who comes by. And I couldn't help but judge that lady for taking bikini selfies with that small kid like why would you? Women like her also gets exploited so much don't they? Esp if they are pretty? No support, predator like guys everywhere? It's really sad man. Lmao, I'm such a boomer. But damn man. Gotta make good choices in life. Esp with kids involved. 

Yep. I am a boomer. 

~

I loved the part where the kid is sitting on a tree and eating bread and jam. Heh. Reminds me of my fav tree as a kid, I loved to climb it and chill in it by myself haha. Best ever! 

~

In India, someone that poor will simply not have the option of wasting their life the way this woman does though. Some people are so privileged even in the midst of fucking up their lives. It's that privilege that makes people shitty. Little to no consequences and a whole lot of time to do more fuckery. For that, I do not have any sympathy, just a whole lot of contempt. Plus resorting to prostitution as a way to not get a job is just pathetic man. And the sheer audacity people have to yell at others who do then a good turn is just. Yeah misbehaving like that is soooo ungrateful sheesh. Lol. Ok boomer. Fuck hahahaha. I really am one.