Going through pictures of the last couple of years and it's such a bitter sweet feeling. Had a lot of good memories too, huh? :) well. A bit of nostalgia lol. I try not to let myself think about any of it, but I guess... Hmm. Idk. Blah. Yeesh. Could title these years... " Waiting for niceness" lol.
Deffo a tragicomedy, eh?
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Memories are a strange thing sometimes. It's like I want to capture the happiness I felt in a tiny lil snow globe and protect it. But at the same time, reality just threatens it with it's ugly head you know. Like. Maybe that's why it sucks so much when someone cheats. It's not just the disrespect and taint, it's that they sully every loving, happy feeling you had till then. After a certain threshold you simply want to block it all out. Better than feeling hurt I guess. I suppose I should appreciate how my life has not only been so different, I experience genuine care and love from so many people that what's a daily reality for some is the stuff of nightmares for me. And not in a way where I want to feel like I'm better off but it's like... Hmmm. I know how much it used to hurt my heart to see that one dude just mired in toxicity and malice and the fact that it's all he has ever known was so depressing. I recall just instantly crying once when he said some stuff cuz. Hmmm. It was like a wound that you can't even begin to think of healing. Cuz you don't know from where and how and the helplessness of it was what got to me. I hated that feeling. And then when I see other areas of life... Where people around me are generally competent as well as empathetic. The spectrum they reside in is so different. It has its own petty jealousies and set backs, yes. But it's not cruel or I don't know how to define it. There's no darkness and deep seated malice in it. People are more or less like maybe Sadler and such. Curious, well adjusted, and have a sense of purpose, joy, decency. That's the spectrum that's comfortable for me, and one that I am happy to reside in, pros and cons put together.
The inherent lack of empathy thats turns people evil is a kind of sickness. A sickness that becomes all pervasive and distorts humanity in ways that's like that Goya painting lol. More and more, I understand the importance of holding on to ideals and genuine compassion. And forgiveness lol. Will forgiveness be my undoing? I don't know at times.
Hmmmm.
Well, life is complex. I guess I can be grateful to have had some deep moments of happiness, and of insight. It is at the end of the day something I consider pivotal, it doesn't matter if it is true or not anymore. Simply that it was right time, right place and helped me. I have felt a deep sense of change the last couple of years and I guess I should give credit where it belongs. To myself. Hehe. It's not the external events that happen to us, it's how you deal and what you extract from them. For me atleast, it's helped streamline my own... Self worth? Self love? Yeah. Walking away was an act of self love. Choosing to stay away too. It's hard to tighten filters at times. Especially when all said and done, and the dust settles and you realise yes you do care about someone. That's the bottom line. So it's definitely not easy to walk away or to write the person off. Gotta remind self that hey you need two hands to clap and you can't be doing all the work for someone when they act like they don't care. Just accept they don't and stay away. When the other side never plays fair, all you are left with is a losing proposition. I suppose when you stare at the abyss you have a choice of responding how you please? Maybe there is something to that thought. Atleast I know that no matter what, I'm not willing to be subjected to bad behaviour and ill treatment. And that isn't something I wish to dilute. Took me long fucking enough to understand that deeply but heh. I guess the disrespect inflicted on me helped me understand that. Am I grateful for it? Fuck no. It was a shit choice on their part. It's not my fault, it never was. It's just... Hmmm. I don't want to verbalise this. What I want and will wait for though... Is happiness, sweetness, people who can be silly and fun and live their life within a spectrum of decency that's inherent. Character is very important and it should be inherent not something that's a stretch goal that's attained once in a while. Lol. It's true though... I shall definitely seek a sense of comfort in someone's presence that feels reliable. Anyway blah... I know that when chips are down, I'm someone people can count on and I know I'm smart, talented and very caring to boot. So honestly... people who fumble it with me...it's their loss. Just a steady reminder to myself for all the good stuff I did try to bring, and did it selflessly.
Meanwhile, I guess with all things in life you just gotta power through certain things, huh?
When I see the state of the world now, it just looks to me like a lot of it is so broken and sad and filled with hate. I just don't want to contribute to that in even a small way. I'm tired of narcissism and it's time for it to go. Enough. Enough with the bad choices, enough with stupidity, distrust whatever the fuck it's just enooooouuugh with the dystopia it's time for the good stuff. Level up.
And so it goes. And fuck godot too haha. No waiting for late comers.
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