Ego

I've always considered it to be the last refuge of the weak. Like cornered animals striking out. And it's only when I feel weak I get defensive too. When I witness it in people, esp ones who feel the need to demean others in order to highlight themselves - I feel this urge to just give it a reality check. And those checks often times turn me into an ascerbic person too. It's a shocking personality trait that only rears it's ugly head in situations where I chalk them into a win lose scenario. But that's my line in the sand too. If I speak to you and am nice, then you have to bring the same level of respect and decency to the table. If you can't abide by those basic rules of engagement then well, that will lead to an ego clash. The sad part is that I don't actually enjoy being mean to someone but my gooood it's very hard to look the other way when someone outright tries to disrespect. And I know the aftermath will simply breed resentment because... Well because people who do that are sooo fucking fragile that the minute you show them a mirror they'll cower and then internally hate you. Ugh. See, that's the thing. I don't know temperance when it boils down to a win lose. I have never once struck out at someone vindictively on my own, but the last few years have genuinely tested my resolve and my patience. And when questions like " hmm who do you think you are even? " Followed by vitriol with the intent to hurt sets in, that's very, very tough to overcome. And I know that bit is my ego that's fighting against what I see as injustice to me. So it's not rational at times, but I suppose when you come in contact with someone who is uber sensitive and prone to lashing out, that becomes a somewhat de facto response in order to protect yourself. 

Oh lord these stupid ego battles man...honestly no good comes of them but daaaamn. A lot of times when I would witness C speak to her, in my mind I would be appalled. Like howwww howww can you tolerate that vibe for days on end? But I guess with him it's tempered with niceness and care? I don't know. Sometimes I see that care, other times I'm like holy fuck. But then I have put up with a lot worse with M. That ego and the kind of constant self focus was never tempered by any care or decency so technically I'm sure she isn't wrong when she is like what do you see in this person. That was a good question. I don't know what I saw? Hmmm. I guess. Idk. I suppose I had an imaginary version of him in my mind, the version that was nice. And in holding on to that version, I made concessions for all other behaviour thinking yeah maybe it's just a person that's decent underneath all that. I don't believe that anymore I think underneath is a person that is a lot worse than I can imagine now. Lmao. Shit. Sobering thought huh? 

Yeah. Whatever I can say of C... The thing is he does bring a caring vibe to the equation. And I guess that's what is so important. I see her more or less taking care of finances between them and neither her not I ever thought less of him or anyone for not making money etc. But the non negotiable for both of us has been respect and care. I'm glad it's the same for me. At some point I was beginning to think it wasn't. Lol made numerous attempts to walk but then used to go back thinking maybe person isn't that bad. I think in the past I showed a lot of care and support to this guy too, but the lack of care and decency from his end, the egoistic bs, the weird need he had to even show me how high and mighty he is, instead of being grateful for how good and caring I had consistently been to him... Yeah that's quite unpardonable tbh. It's very important in life to learn to be humble and grateful. Because the world is filled with colossal idiots who can do you harm. If you turn your well wishers into enemies in the end all you'll get are people who feel the need to write shit about you a decade after knowing you. Which is why it's important never to hurt someone's pride. Heh. It's interesting how even good businessmen know that. That's why they are good at business cuz they intrinsically have very good people skills. Not manipulation, not trying to "stack pieces" etc. that's all bullshit. It's just humility and regard that always wins respect and consideration. 

Heh...it's a funny thing, ego. It makes you feel like it's protecting you... But all it's really doing is sounding a loud horn about what makes you weak. It's not bad to be weak. It's perfectly fine and natural at times. But it is bad to not realise it and continue to be in a state of hypersensitivity. That's what makes it sad to the onlooker who can see the entire battle you are waging against yourself. Funny thing about even M's ego when I see it in these instances where he can't make things better etc. I guess he feels like he would be wiped out and negated if he has to admit he cares about someone and wants them to not leave him. What he perceives as begging I suppose. Interestingly, for me... It's soooo important to feel like I'm cared for and wanted that this trait is super at odds with his. Which is ironic because he himself has such a deep need to feel valued and appreciated. It's so fundamental to him, and yet he can't provide the same for someone else. Go figure. Maybe it's like a famine mindset idk. "Like all appreciation must come my way cuz I'm so in need of it, I can't let the spotlight be on someone else." I feel sorry for him if that's true. It must be hell to need something so deeply. I am not insecure in that regard so showing someone value has never made me feel like I'm depleting mine. It's actually a source of happiness for me to see someone feel cared for and comfortable. Well, his insecurities are on him ya. Can't solve stuff for a grown man. These are things people figure out in their 20s that too like. 

Like Atkinson says, with enough distance life is funny. Let's just fine the humor in it all. Heh. Let my also try my best to not be consumed by mine and forget temperance. "You never know the full story, so the best choice is to be kind despite it all." Words I've tried to always be my guiding force, and rn it's very, very hard to adhere to them, but I will try with all my might to uphold the promise I made myself. Really have to dig deep to find the strength to do that this once hehe. Yeah. I don't want to be the person who has to have such mean thoughts towards someone or this weird urge to want to hurt their ego. I know I'm hurt... I know it's unfair... I know it's fucking batshit crazy that he can pry on my life fucking 20 odd times a day like he was in December only to behave like this now. Lmao. Lunatic. Buuuuut. I did choose to care so I haaaave to dig deep and find a way to move past all this without vitriol because that is who I wish to be. Fuck. Soooo tough rn but nvm. I'll keep trying. Heh...let me treat skeptical racists with consideration. Fuck it. I can do it. Last mile, eh? SOOOOOONNNN :)