Having a functional equation to me is a factor of trusting a person with stuff you keep close, not keeping them in the dark while expecting them to trust you. I guess that's something a bunch of people don't understand. I recall M saying it's okay to lie to your partner as you have the right to just go out by yourself for a drink if you want without telling. I remember thinking wtf how can someone feel that's normal? And then she basically goes "it must be your fault if someone feels the need to lie " and then equating it to how many times we used to lie to parents growing up. That moment was so telling for me. Here's a person that seeks to protect themselves from their close ones by lying and somehow blaming them for choosing to lie. So dysfunctional that very thought is. Do people sometimes never outgrow their childhood? I don't know. I fundamentally dislike this trait in people wherein they never seek to ask if they are doing the right thing, they just justify whatever by blaming the other person.

But now I've reached a point where I'm like ok if you do that then I will also keep distance. Because at the end of the day I value normalcy and transparency. I guess it makes me care less and less when I see a lack of it. Maybe that's also why I try to be close cuz I know I'll detach if I don't maintain that. Heh. Bit black and white I guess but that's who I am what to do.

But yes, I'm not looking to be deceptive or entertain someone who is. 

I think the weird anxieties I felt were primarily due to that over the last couple of years. It's always like hey take a leap of faith but in reality just be in the dark. I don't like that. But anyway, ever since I decided to let go and just enjoy myself, all of it just dissipated more or less. The downside I suppose is that the person can start to matter less but what can you do. Equations are maintained on both sides not just my job. So that's their call. Time to take it easy. So that's cool. Screw the rest, just do your best. Hehe.