Funny how deal breakers evolve over life to include new ones and sometimes outgrow old ones. My one rigid deal breaker always was cheating and that remains. But I find myself realising that even in day to day life, I need to feel like I'm of importance to the person and have that surety as a given. To feel at ease. I've never had to outline this before. But I guess when you are around selfish folks you realise how important it is to feel cared for in small ways. Heh. Such a little thing and it's so easy. Anyway blah. I've outgrown dysfunctional dynamics now and I don't really care for them or people who propagate them tbh. Either meet me at an even level or fuck it. I'm not willing to make an effort for someone who doesn't make one for me any more. 

All they do is simply pretend to be nice just enough so you stick around, but it's my own fault for choosing to delude myself here too. When bored, simply ignore me for other women then when nothing else to do show up again right? Lol. 

J really did a number on me. Kept telling me he needs me, used me as a crutch for his dad's cancer then thought nothing of shattering me for other women. Since then, I just decided to keep to myself and for the most part I did. And now, seeing someone else do this kinda shitty thing to me just feels so wrong. I am fully at fault for not walking away sooner too. But in the end it's always bothered me how belittling it's been for me. Following so many random women who keep popping up on my profile but never thinking to value me at all. Telling me personal life is personal like I'm some enemy then prying into mine almost daily for close to two years. Maybe it's to seek validation maybe it's cuz it's flattering to think look look I have this girl on a hook while simultaneously sleeping with a bunch of others. Never wishing on birthdays, never bothering with death of family members never bothering with literally anything from top to bottom nothing left unturned. From the smallest to the biggest thing and then calling me a ' friend '. Lmao. 

I can't seem to stop crying rn because not only has this person hurt me so much but I suppose acknowledging all this outright means I also need to put an end to it and that means distancing for good. And that's never easy when you do give a shit about someone. But I suppose that's a weakness of character I have. I find it hard to prioritise myself even when I should. 

Oh fuck dude. Well it's okay. Cry today, cry tomo if you must but then do what is necessary and look out for yourself. It not okay to care about someone who didn't so much as bother talking to you. It was always underlined to you directly... "you aren't important, not worth speaking to, not worth asking about and I'm being clear about that." Someone you gave your number to when they were in distress, just so they'd know you trust them. And instead they are "uncomfortable " with the idea of saying hi and having you wish them on bday among other things. Because idk you are brown? Lol. Who knows? Could be anything. Does it matter? Nah. Matters that they thought it's okay to treat you like that repeatedly. Telling me they were poor, homeless and all that. Something I never judged them for, all I felt in those moments was concern. Then suddenly saying no grandad had money. It's always just random lies. Ones that actually never made a difference to me, cuz I don't care either way. But in turn to be seen as someone that they are uncomfortable knowing is such an insult. So maybe remind yourself of that everytime of this and just write him off as well. If someone can be so belittling then staying in that equation simply means you are belittling yourself. True. I guess I was. And I want to be treated with consideration and respect. That won't happen if I myself cater to people who don't. So I suppose it's best to accept that it won't happen here and make room for those who might. Well, I guess this is goodbye. And if you do read this someday then ok. All I wanted was to be treated with respect and niceness, same as I tried to bring to your life. The person whose life you pried into and tried so hard to keep around for god knows what reason, but simply couldn't be bothered to actually treat well. Guess it was not to be. But I do believe I deserve to be treated well. Even if you think otherwise. 🤷‍♀️

Well, atleast saving you the trouble of saying goodbye. Plus now you don't have to hide my voice from other women or get them to hide from me on insta. Lol. Nice, right? :)  God speed.