Secret Garden

My worldview has been shaped less by experience and more by the great writers of the past. Who I am, the morality I cling to, the things I hold dear... Somehow they are all linked to the stuff I read and resonated with. I seek beauty in living, in interactions because that's how the childrens' authors I read made life beautiful. A sprinkling of magic, of new world's, eyes lighting up with wonder at the thought of " possibility". I loved it then, and I love it now. Innocence, curiousity, bravery and standing up for yourself and against yourself when you are wrong. Like the swing scene in naughtiest girl again. I remember it even now. Wily little Elizabeth. 

'She began to swing again. 'Well, I'm strong!' she sang, as she swung. 'I can change my mind! I can say I'm wrong! Elizabeth Allen, you're not such a poor wrong thing as I thought! Just wait.'

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This line was so impactful to me as a kid, because I saw myself as her. Ungovernable if I wished to be so. So who better to govern me than me? Rigidly clung to this thought my entire life and I do not regret it. On balance, I believe I have done my best to be fair and to hold my rashness in check. Heh. Quaint. Wait, let me find the entire thing. 

Hahha holy cow this is literally exactly how my thoughts process and personality is even now. 😂💀 For fucks sake. Even this diary is just me battling me a la Elizabeth, always trying to find the best course of action. Bonus points for " John standing up from his hoeing" How I regret adulthood for having fucking spoilt this for me lmfaoooo. 

Heh. This series is so close to my heart I can't believe how simple and yet resonant it is and how muuuuch I identify with Elizabeth. Checkmate Dostoevsky. Suck a dick. 

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From this book series to Invictus, it has been a journey! Littered with many milestones, many lessons, a lot of understanding. I am glad. And I am glad that I don't succumb to temptations once I decide on austerity and choose a path. In whichever zone that be. Life, work, relationships, fitness. Maybe my reluctance to commit to stuff also stems from knowing that I will rigidly follow through once I say ok I'll do it. But meh. There are less and less things I'm afraid to commit to now. Cuz I want to follow through. That's nice. And about time haha. I guess the root of fear has always been the idea of being powerless but once you recognise that you can trust yourself to make the right decisions, fear fucking evaporates. I do hold fear in some affection too, because it is an indication of my greatest desires as well. I know exactly what I want when I feel the most afraid because I know in that moment that the opposite of it is where my heart lies. It's a good way to know yourself. Painful, maybe. But hindsight is 20/20. 

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Spending time by my bookshelf has always been meditative. I'm so glad I love libraries. It doesn't need to be fancy, in fact the more dreary and dilapidated and old world it is, the better it feels. 

♥️