Tired

This heat is getting to me ugh. I'm feeling v low on energy. Feels like I'm exhausted all the time and I don't have an appetite either. Saw Rafa's Madrid farewell and felt bad to boot. It's an end of an era. Just my entire life was rooting for these three haha. And now that phase is passing and new gen coming in. Dayum. Time just flies. 

Who is the shittiest person I've ever known?

Sadly I know the answer to this. 

💀💀

Chapter 2

This is WIP, need to pad it up a bit. But the gist is there. I'm excited to share the final bit with folks. Let me see. Or maybe I'll work on chapter 3 and come around to it later. 

The Pirate makes a Friend

“Moooom, can Barkey and I go to the beach?”

“No.”

“Why not??”

“It’s too windy and it’s not safe, I don’t want you to go alone. How about you go somewhere else? I’ll make you a nice picnic lunch.”

“Can I get peanut butter sandwiches and chips and cookies and juice?”

“I’ll pack you some sandwiches and an apple and some milk.”

“What about Barkey? He likes cookies” Eric looked at his mum beseechingly.

His mum sighed.

“Fine, Barkey can have one cookie”

“What about snacks? What if we get hungry after lunch?”

“Then you can come home for one.”

“But what if we don’t want to come home then?”

“Would you like to just stay home instead?” his mum narrowed her eyes.

“Lunch would be great, mum, thanks! You’re the best!” Eric grinned at her.

“It’s not easy to get her to do what we want, but I can try.” He whispered to Barkey.

Barkey raised his eyes up, a look of deep understanding on his doggie face. “Woof” he agreed.

With a nice lunch tucked safely in his backpack, Barkey and Eric set off down the garden path to explore places nearby. So far, they had seen their own yard, their own backyard, Old Man’s backyard, Old Man’s yard when he wasn’t looking, and the lane their house was on, and the grocery store at the end of the road where they stopped by to buy chocolates, comics and ice creams. They liked the grocer; he gave them an extra candy or two at times. The neighborhood was old, and didn’t have too many kids Eric’s age living there, much to his disappointment.

“You know Barkey, you are great and all, but I wish we had another friend too. All superheroes have a friend, you know. Except Superman. He only had a girlfriend… yuuuck.” Eric made a face. “And we can share lunch and they can come to our house for sleepovers. Mom will let us camp in the yard and we can exchange ghost stories” he chattered. Barkey was trotting along with his tongue hanging out, stopping to sniff a plant or bark at a bird from time to time.

“… I thought I saw a ghost once…” continued Eric, as they turned the corner by the lane. “ it was at 3 o clock in the morning. I got up to pee and saw a white face in the mirror! It was so scary!” he gestured to Barkey, twisting his face to show him how scary it looked. “But when I looked again, it was gone. I woke mom up to tell her but she said I saw my own reflection. Never believes me…” he added ruefully.

As they turned down the lane, Eric wondered which way to go. When the world is your oyster, decisions can be daunting. He liked exploring unknown places. He spotted a small pathway leading away from the road. The weather-beaten trail had shrubbery on both sides that instantly hooked his fancy. That meant not many people went down that trail. He loved mysterious spots. You never knew what you’d find there. Could someone be hiding there? Buried treasure? Evil villains? His imagination always piqued at the thought of the unknown. A shiver ran down his spine at the thought of having to fight off villains. It would be so thrilling! “Too bad he had left his sword at home.” He thought to himself. “One should always be prepared. Well next time! But it won’t fit in my bag. Hmmm… Maybe I need a sword holder… then I can carry it everywhere…”

“Woooooof!” said Barkey, “Woof , Woooof woof wooooofffff.”

He started rushing forward in a state of excitement.

“Whaa… hey where are you going? Wait… WAITTT…” yelled Eric, beginning to run after him. The trail got narrower and narrower, until it was just a small line overrun with grass and shrubs.

“Waaait!” Eric panted, his backpack swinging behind him.

On and on they ran – dog and boy – up the trail, stumbling over loose rocks until they turned a corner.

“Whoa!” Eric exclaimed, clutching his sides. The path had opened up into a small clearing surrounded by trees on all sides. In the middle of the clearing was a small pond of sorts, filled with the most pristine blue water Eric had seen. Tiny beams of sunlight that made it through the trees sparkled off and on over its calm surface.

“Wow, good job Barkey!”

Barkey rolled his tongue and gave Eric a swift lick.

This might be a good place for a picnic, thought Eric, settling his backpack down.

He stretched his arms over his head, and arched his back, and eyed the water.

“I wonder how deep it is… What do you think?”

Barkey was busy sniffing the backpack, attempting to put his nose through the flaps. He could smell lunch, and it smelt delicious.

“No! Not now. Later” Eric scolded.

“Hey! What are you guys doing here? This is my spot!” cried a high voice.

Eric and Barkey turned to see a boy their age looking at them. He had sleek black hair parted neatly down the side and wore an expression of extreme indignation. He wore a blue superman shirt and a blue hat to match. A was holding a net with a long handle in one hand and a tuck box in the other.

“He likes superheroes!” was Eric’s first thought.

“Who are you?”

“Who are YOU? Why are you here?” the kid grumbled.

“I’m Eric, this is Barkey. We are new in town.” Eric introduced himself.

“I’m Vishal”

“Hi” Eric grinned.

“Oh…uhhh…hi!” said the boy. He walked up to Eric’s backpack and set down his box.

“Well, but this is still my spot. I discovered it first.” He continued.

“We are sorry, we didn’t know.” Eric continued smiling, making no attempt to get out of the water.

“Do you come here often?”

“Yea. Is he your pet dog?” Vishal asked, pointing at Barkey.

“He is my best friend! Barkey say hello!”

Barkey promptly swam towards the edge of the water and ran up to Vishal. He stopped in front of him and shook himself vigorously in greeting.

“heyyyy… noooo, stooop!”

Barkey shook himself with more enthusiasm, then promptly started jumping up at Vishal and trying to sniff his butt. A friend of Eric’s was a friend of Barkey’s.

“Sttooop” Vishal put his hands over his butt, trying to turn away from the dog.

Eric laughed.

“He does that when he likes someone.”

“Oh yea? What does he do when he doesn’t like someone?” Vishal grumbled, eyeing the dog warily.

“Growls at them.”

“Great!”

“So, what do you do around here?”

“I want a pet.” Replied Vishal.

Eric looked puzzled.

“Okay…aand?... Don’t you get them at a pet store?”

“I want a pet fish.” Vishal pointed to his net.

“Ohhh… Do you know how to catch fish? We didn’t see any in the water.” Eric was interested. He had never been fishing.

“Yes. You want to watch me?”

“Sure”

“But you have to be very still. And you can’t talk.”

“Okay”

 “And he can’t growl.” Vishal added.

“Okkkaay”

“Alright. But first I need to get my bait out.” Saying so, Vishal put his tuck box down and removed his sandals. Eric went up to him. He picked up the box again and opened it, holding it out for Eric to see.

“Look!”

“Ewwwww”

A mass of slimy live worms were writhing around inside the box.

“Close it!” Eric wailed. “Why do you have so many worms? Where did you get them?”

“I collected them.”

“Whaaat?”

Long back, he had learnt a new word from the telly called ‘psychopath’. He wondered if Vishal was a psychopath.

“Are you a psychopath?” he asked Vishal; an odd feeling in his stomach.

“No. What’s that?”

“A crazy person.”

“I’m not crazy.”

“You collect worms.”

“Because I want a fish.”

“Fish eat worms? I thought they eat other fish.”

“Fish eat anything. They aren’t smart, they don’t know any better.” Vishal nodded knowledgeably.

“And I did not collect them all, I got most of them at the bait shop. I collected two from my garden, then our gardener told me I should just ask the bait shop man to give me some and he did.”

Eric let out a sigh of relief. He was mentally trying to add up how much time it would have taken Vishal to gather these many worms and every answer he arrived at seemed worrying.

“The bait shop guy said I need to put them on a hook and then throw the hook into the water and be very still and wait, the fish will come and try to bite the worms”

“You mean put a hook through live worms? Ewwwwww.” Eric felt sick.

“Yea. I don’t want to do that either. And I don’t want to hurt my pet fish.”

“So, how are you going to catch it?”

“Oh see, I thought about it all!” Vishal responded with excitement. “I’m gonna put some worms in my net. And then I’ll stand in the water and put the net in and the fish will go inside to eat them and I’ll catch them that way!”

Eric looked doubtful.

“How will the fish see the worms?”

“Through the net.”

Vishal was confident.

He squatted on the ground and looked inside the box and then the net and then back at the box.

“What happened?”

“They look very gross.”

“Yeeeah” Eric agreed. The boys looked at each other, reluctant to do anything next.

“Well… you have to touch them to put them in the net. Come on, do it!” Eric urged Vishal.

Vishal extended his hand and stopped just an inch short of the box.

He hesitated. Both the boys huddled over the box. Neither seemed willing to put their hand inside an entire box of slimy, live worms. “One, maybe two are okay but so many?” Eric shuddered.

Barkey came over to see what they were upto. He nosed his way into the middle and sniffed at the box. A worm wriggled near his nose, and he let out a loud howl and jumped away from them.

“Grrrr…rrr…rooofwoof” he snarled at the box.

“See!”

“How about we use a stick to get them out?” Eric suggested.

“Oh yes, let’s try that!”

Vishal picked up a twig and poked at the box of worms. Nothing happened.

“Be still, wait for them to climb on it.”

“I don’t think they want to.”

“They will. Don’t spook them.”

“Worms don’t spook.”

Vishal continued prodding the box with the twig.

“It’s not a milkshake, don’t stir it around so much!” Eric cried.

“Want to drink it?” Vishal laughed, swiftly bringing the box near Erics’ face.

“I’ll fight you!” Eric threatened.

Laughing, Vishal tried to scoop up a worm or two and put it in the net.

“Use a leaf! They might get on a leafiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!” Eric suggested.

“Good idea!”

Abandoning the stick, Vishal plucked two leaves from a nearby bush and slowly kept it near the edge of the box. Three worms slowly tried to climb it.

“It’s working!”

Holding the leaf carefully, Vishal brought his net close under it. He dropped the leaf into the net along with the worms.

“Done!”

“Okay what next?” Eric was excited. Their plan was working!

“Now we go inside the pond and be still. The fish will come to eat the worms and we will catch them!”

Plopping the leaf inside the net, both boys proceeded towards the water.

“This should be far enough” Vishal said.

“Okay”

“ Now be still. Don’t move at all.” Vishal warned.

“Okay” Eric held himself stiff.

Carefully, Vishal lowered the net towards the water, and slowly dipped it. The leaf started to float towards the top, worms and all.

“Poke it.” suggested Eric.

Vishal tried to dunk the leaf in the water.

The worms started floating around inside the net. They seemed agitated and trying to crawl out.

“Carefulllll”

“I am being careful” replied Vishal, staring at the worms and trying to keep still.

They started crawling around with more vigor.

“Do you see any fish?”

“No”

“ It doesn’t look like it’s working.” Eric added.

“ It will work” Vishal was determined.

Slowly, the worms ceased their writhing and floated to the top of the net.

Eric peered at the net.

“I think you drowned them.”

“Oh no!”

“Do fish eat dead worms?”

“I don’t know. Let’s wait and watch.”

2 minutes passed, then 5. The boys water with hated breath. The ripples of water around them became still. 10 minutes went by. One of the worms started floating away from them.

“ I don’t think it’s working.”

Vishal made a face.

“Maybe we should get more worms.”

“Uh huh” Eric looked doubtful.

“ It will work this time. The bait shop guy told me fish like worms.”

“Bait shop guy said you should put them on a hook.”

“I don’t want a pet with a hook in its face.”

“Okay let’s get some more.” Eric shrugged.

Both boys waded out and got more worms from the box. Barkey eyed them with suspicion. Nothing would induce him into going near the worms again. He closed his eyes and went to sleep.

The boys went back into the water.

“Lets go deeper this time.”

They waded till the deepest point. This time the water was up till their waist.

Once again, Vishal lowered his net into the water.

“ Maybe you should lower it more.”

Before the worms could make a bid for freedom, Vishal plunged them deeper in the water.

Again, the boys waited.

Nothing happened.

“Does this pond even have fish?”

“Ofcourse it does, it’s a pond.”

“Doesn’t seem like there are any.”

“You are scaring them by talking so loud.”

“Fine, I won’t talk.” Eric huffed.

Standing still, the boys waited, shivering slightly in the breeze. Vishal was looking at the water intently.

“Look!” he whispered.

Eric didn’t respond. He just kept a finger on his lips.

Vishal gestured towards the water.

A small fish was swimming towards them. They could just make out its silvery silhouette. As it came nearer, Vishal lowered his body into a crouch. He wanted to ensure he caught it.

He lunged at the fish. His net made a wide arc in the water, creating a huge ripple as it went.

“Aaaaaa” Vishal yelled, as the fish swiftly swam away.

He glared at the ripples.

“I almost had it!”

Eric didn’t say anything.

“Why aren’t you talking? Say something” Vishal rounded on Eric.

“ You are swinging too wide.”

“I think you should shut up.”

“Oh yeah? Make me!” Eric retorted.

“Ill make you.” Vishal shouted back.

“I dare you.” Eric clenched his fists.

Casting the net aside, Vishal threw himself at Eric. Both boys tussled with each other, sending waves of water everywhere.

“ I told you to keep quiet.”

“ I told you fish don’t eat dead worms.”

The boys started fighting, each trying to push the other off balance. Barkey perked up on the shore.

“Woof!” he roared, and swam across to join the fray.

The two boys struggled against each other, with the dog trying to jump on both of them. With a huge heave, Eric pushed Vishal a bit deeper into the water, making him lose his footing. He keeled backwards and fell inside the water. Completely soaked, he tried to get up but couldn’t find his balance and fell over again. Spluttering, he tried to stand up again but couldn’t. There was nothing to hold on to. He went under yet again. The pond floor had fallen off suddenly and Vishal was out of his depth. He bobbed up and down, gasping for breath. In his frenzy to stand up, he was moving towards the centre of the pond.

Suddenly scared, Eric shouted.

“Don’t you know how to swim?”

“Nnnn…ooo” gasped Vishal. His cap fell off his head as he flailed his arms around.

“Oh no!” Fear suddenly gripped Eric.

“What do I do?”

With no time to think, he simply decided to swim after Vishal. With quick strokes, he made it to the centre and tried to clutch at the boy.

Terrified, Vishal clung on to Eric and stared pulling him under.

“Stop!! Don’t pull at me”

“Ughnsjk”

Eric tried to free himself from Vishal’s grip. Vishal, scared as he was, tried to let go of Eric. With a deft stroke, Eric put his arm across Vishal’s body and pulled him up.

“Don’t move. Stay still!” he commanded. Vishal obliged.

Eric quickly used his free arm to try and move them both. The water dragging them down, Eric tried to remember his swimming lessons. “Hold under the chest, and pull” he told himself.

Bit by bit, he dragged himself and Vishal away from the centre.

Soon, they could feel the floor of the pond below their feet. He let go of Vishal when he was sure he could stand, but kept a vice like grip on his hand, refusing to let his friend away from him.

Gasping and coughing, both boys made their way to the shore. Once there, they both collapsed on the grass.

“You idiot! Why did you go in the water if you can’t swim?”

“ I didn’t know the pond was so deep.”

“ I thought this was your spot!”

“I never went inside!”

“Great… juuust great!”

“Are you okay?” Eric was concerned. He had never felt this scared in his life, not even when he thought he saw a ghost.

“Yeeeah. I think so.”

“Well thank God! Do you know how much trouble I’d be in if you weren’t? My mom would never forgive me.” He punched Vishal on the arm.

“Not as much trouble as I’d be in with my mom.” said Vishal, rubbing his arm.

They both looked at each other and smiled.

“Do you want some lunch?”

“Yea… I’m hungry”

“Mom packed me some sandwiches, we can share”

Eric got up to go get his bag. Barkey was still swimming in the pond.

“Oi! Come here! Lunch!” he shouted.

Barkey turned around and started swimming ashore. He had something blue in his mouth.

“What have you got? Don’t fetch something weird from the pond”

Saying so, Eric went up to the shore to see what his dog was bringing.

As he came closer, he realised Barkey had Vishals’ cap his mouth.

“Oh… good boy!!” Eric praised him, leaning near the water’s edge.

Barkey came out and put the hat at his feet, looking pleased with himself. Eric lifted the cap. It felt heavy. He flipped it over. A small fish was right in the middle of its curve, struggling.

“Vishal! Vishal! Come here quick! We caught a fish!! Get your bowl, quick!” he bellowed.

Vishal scrambled to his feet, scooped up his bag and ran towards the water. He unzipped the bag, removed a bowl with a lid and unscrewed its top. He filled it with water from the pond and brought it near Eric. Eric tipped the cap into the bowl and watched as the fish slid inside. The boys waited with bated breath.

The tiny black fish ceased its struggling and started to swim in the water. It’s fins fanned out elegantly, sparkling in the sunlight. Both boys whooped and cheered and high fived each other. Barkey jumped up and down, pleased with himself.

“What do you want to call him?” asked Eric.

“Nemo. Cuz we found him.”

If I liked someone genuinely, was nice to them and sincere... Would I find it in me to actually go out with other people even casually? 

No. 

I simply can't, I'd find it disloyal to even entertain that thought. 

So, would I be okay if I was seeing someone and they were seeing someone else too? 

Lmao. 

Fuck. No. 

Something made me wonder this today and I know for a fact that I would neither be okay nor would I forgive that. 

If you have me in your life, and still feel the need to see others, then I wouldn't want to have anything to do with you. Ugh. Even the thought of it makes me feel sick. I don't think I'd ever forgive such a thing. 

I can accomodate a whole lot of things, but if this line is ever crossed by anyone, it would just be a full stop and I don't think I'd even want to speak to them again. 

I am a one-man woman through and through, and I need a man who has the same kind of loyalty towards me. All your other shit I'd deal with, but this would simply be unforgivable. I don't give a shit about any protocol or anything else tbh. No technicalities would ever make me overlook this simple fundamental thing. Height of fucking disloyalty tbh. It would just make me hate that person and also never want to speak to them again. 

You can hold space for someone and give them chances, but in doing so... If they just use that as a way to exploit you in a "have my cake and eat it too" kinda way then what's even the point?

I hope I never ever have the misfortune to deal with this shit cuz honestly I think I'll just stop caring. 

Plus, would any guy be okay if I kept him as an option?

I'm sure the answer is a resounding "Fuck no."

I'd never do that to someone, and I don't want it done to me. 

Talking to Di and apparently she got covid. Wtf. Once again. Damn. So sad. Said it was worse than the previous few times. Shit dude. Here I was thinking it's done and over with also. Crazy. Wondering if I need to take the booster again. She was telling me she caught it from some Chinese students at the conference. Why tf are people with covid still allowed to travel? I can't deal with another lockdown lmao. May it not happen. 

Progress

Just reading through the second chapter and it's coming out okay. It's fun to think up of more and more situations just to build a narrative. I think I want to take it into a direction of just a collection of feel good tales of childhood. Nostalgia sorts. I'd sent the first chapter to some friends and mom and they all liked it. It's good to get perspective. I love how supportive M and my mom and bro are in particular. They'd love to see me create something nice. I hope I can. It's always great to have people in your corner, makes me feel good. Really excited to share more. 

Anyway, second one is okok... I'm still not as happy with it as I should be but for now it'll have to do. I can rework it later if I still feel like it's missing something. 

There are only few moments in life, where you need someone to step up and care. Very few. When you feel vulnerable, when you feel low, or when something bad happens to you like you get injured or hurt physically. If in those moments, a person doesn't pull through for you... In short... Your discomfort or unhappiness is something that doesn't even impact them... Then what use is that equation? 

I've wondered that a lot. 

I don't like the feeling of isolation or people who criticize or ignore to a point where I'm reduced to wondering if they give a shit about me. A key part of life is having that unshakeable knowledge and faith that they have my back, I don't have to be in a situation where I have to watch out for meanness or aloofness. But it's my fault for sticking around people who acted that way, should have just said no thanks and fucked off. Well, I will from now. Just go towards ones who authentically and open heartedly are supportive, people should have worked on their issues by this age and be capable of it and those who haven't probably never can anyway. Nothing more tragic than an adult who is incapable of being responsible. 

Plus it's just a painful experience to subject someone to, to simply not provide what they need. I find it quite inhumane. 

And now I'm at a stage where those are the only criteria that are foremost in my mind when I evaluate people. The one thing I observe more than anything else. Building good frameworks. It's a good thing I never got married before I got to this point. I don't think I'd have been able to manage it or pick a long term person cuz I don't think I knew what to look for. 

But as I relax more and more, I'm able to feel a lot of self reliance and inner strength and it's making me feel a lot of lightness internally. That's nice. 

Life is funny that way, it unfolds sometimes in a way that is necessary for you. Quaint. 

Writing

Fuck, writing is quite time consuming. I tend to get duper pedantic and want things to be just right. Takes a whole lot of time. Still, I can average 2500 words a day if I actually know how it's supposed to go. Not too bad. Around ten pages on average. Hmmm. I need to brainstorm more. Even though time consuming, the process is actually something I love hate. As I do most other things in life that I like lmao. Oh well. Okay will try again tonight. Atleast finish chapter 2 of that children's book. Would be great if I could finish it this month and then see what I can do to illustrate it and cover design. Woohooo. It'll just be fun to publish one for kicks. Atleast feel like I did something I love on the side. Haha. Chasing the feeling of fulfillment I suppose. 

My left brain tendencies make me very finicky too. I see I'm focusing more on getting things just so instead of going with the flow. But it's so tough to just go with the flow. Plus it's weird cuz it's so subjective that I struggle with defining goals. Lol. What weird challenges, right? But let's see. As long as I focus on just finishing I should be okay. Rest we will take as it comes. 

Fams

My baby cousin ♥️. She is so talented, and a trained dancer to boot. Never realised how much press she has actually gotten over the years and still a teen. Winning international competitions yearly to boot. Just amazing! Love her! 

After we lost my aunt a year ago, I felt so awful about how it must have been for her. Think she might have been ten when the diagnosis just came and post that it was just years and years of doctor visits and seeing your mom go through that for a small kid is so fucked up. But I'm happy that she is strong and resilient and keeps on going, is ambitious and works so incredibly hard. I'm so proud of you little lady. 

Ugh. I feel like crying just thinking about how tough it was for them. 

Okay let me not go down that road now. It's great to see her thrive and I hope she really goes from strength to strength. I'm sure she will make us all proud one day. 

So hot aaaa.

Feel like jumping in a tub of ice cream. 💀

I just called

 ... To saaay

I looove youuuu

Love

But what it isssssss

Is something trueeee

Made up of theseeee words

I must 

Say

To youuuuu

~~~

Hehe. I love this song so damn much. 

Reminding me of old days

All those times AK would call just to hear me speak and the excuses we'd make just to say hi cuz we were young and shy and needed some excuse to pretend like we weren't just calling for the heck of it and then talk talk talk for hours before finally deciding to sleep at 4 am cuz we needed someeee sleep lol. When he moved to NY, the first thing he did was send me "Hey there Delilah" lol. Even the first time we met... the amount he argued with me hahahha... just could noooot deal with the fact that I was more logical than him and haaaad to try to prove me wrong at all costs and it took him three fucking days of endless debating to finally feel like he proved his point. Haha. Fuck. Such an arrogant ass you were lmao. Ugh. And my friend lost that pretty keychain you got me from London. It was soooo nice. I should have just kept it in my lil box of knick knacks among all the other imp memory tokens I've collected over the years. 

Man, life really got in the way huh? I always thought I'd end up with him somewhere down the line. I know he did too. How stupid was I, to take life for granted like that? I remember when he called me to tell me his mum got cancer and everything just changed. Like the bubble we lived in thus far shattered. Damn, I'm sure you miss her lots even now. I know how tough those years were and how letting you go was the right thing to do then, cuz you needed someone with you, and she entered your life and she was good for you and is good for you and I'm glad you have her in your life and I'm extremely happy you found love for yourself tbh. 

After a long time, I just remembered you I guess. Just this song and how wonderful it used to feel to be on the phone with you for hours and hours and just being sleep deprived asf the next day. All those stupid things we would get upto, all the never ending conversations and those chicken steaks and LITs lmao. We had made Millers our permanent home. And that Coconut Grove fuck I wonder if that place still exists. Haha. The one slightly better looking joint next to our regular dingy pubs where we went on first dates just to be fancy. I once went on a date there with that dodo guy from your uni and A, D, and F just crashed it to rescue me lmaooo. Fuckers they were. Made me pay for beer too as recompense.

Well, it's a nice memory and most of my memories of you are fond ones. I won't reminisce too much cuz it doesn't feel right to think of someone who isn't mine this way. But damn, knowing you was a wonderful experience. You'd so laugh at me now if I were to update you on life deets haha. Well, I wouldn't blame you. 

Anyway, time to change this song. I hope you are doing well. 

Oh and I hope I also find someone who is as nice to me as your wife is to you also. Why should only you get so lucky? I also want to be 🖕😁 :)

Ps - thank you from the bottom of my heart for that line that became a turning point in my life. You said it so simply... " P, if you feel it then ofcourse it matters. Your feelings matter." Just cuz you noticed that I felt bad about something and made it a point to ask me about it later and why. I'd never heard those words before, I used to hide what I feel from everyone before that. 

Lmao. You fucker. You are actually the benchmark in my mind of how someone should be towards me. God. If you ever knew that, the sheer amount you would just tease me fuck. Aaaaa. This is one secret I will never tell you. Never. Hehe

Cluster B disorders

Thought and read about narcissism and bpd quite a bit. A lot of it is stuff that I find confusing, especially the whole love bombing thing. Everyone in the initial phase of a relationship, esp when they are young... Just gets caught up in the romance of it all, and it's normal. I'm not sure how you can distinguish genuineness from malice here. 

But I know how to discern malice or even lack of empathy and that's what matters.

In the end these are just words. All of these, played up specially by social media cuz every second person seems to label people they don't like this way. 

It's just common social nomenclature now, and that's what makes it tougher to be discerning. But I guess how someone treats you, makes you feel, how authentic they are, humility - not fake humility, actual humility - all of that immediately informs you of a persons' inner nature. How they handle conflict, whether or not they are thoughtful, do they show you care... These are easy to spot and very difficult to fake. I don't think love bombers even understand how to fake that because authenticity comes from how someone treats you in a general, everyday way, not just overt and weird displays of OTT gestures. 

For e.g. when I see say ummm... Bartholomew... I can tell he is a rooted, grounded guy with no airs and generally decent demeanor. Now if he turned out to be a psychopath thaaat would be surprising in the extreme. Or Sadler, from the little I've seen of him... I can tell he is a good humored, extremely clever individual. Thibault, who is very much like the idealistic coders I've known etc. Now it would be a plot twist of massive proportions if any of these people were crazies lmao. Haha I feel bad just even implying that, I respect them all so much. 

But yes, I don't think it's really the fake initial bullshit toxic people do that is all that problematic, what's problematic is if you choose to stay around people like that when they start treating you badly. I read about abuse cycles and while they seem absolutely heartbreaking, I do think people have to find a way to leave that kinda stuff. Which they do eventually unless limited by circumstances. Hmmm.

Plus from what I read about BPD that just seems like an unreal beast. How can someone not spot that instantly? That level of volatility is v disturbing. And it's not like when you get angry about something and then let it go after a bit. Like I actually do not like overt displays of emotions and people being erratic. I've always hated that. So I would probably never even be able to be around something like that. 

Growing up, I used to be afraid of my mom's temper and I didn't know it then, but her being angry all the time used to make me feel very unsettled to the point that I would mostly stay in my room as much as I could. Or go out and be around friends. All this is distant past now, but I distinctly remember that feeling of ease and peace and happiness I had when I first moved out. It felt like I could just breathe easy. And not have someone constantly controlling me or invading my space and boundaries. Man, that was such a hellish period of my life. And maybe this is why I hate constant erraticness and prefer humble, measured people. 

I'm glad over the years all this baggage has been left behind though. I'm v clear that going forward I'm not letting anything like this in my life. I want nice, soft, steady and considerate people in my corner. Nothing fancy, nothing overt. Just a simple world which is as solid as it is affectionate. Which is more or less my world now too. Yay.  :)

E4

I actually really like playing e4, e5. There's such a sense of volatility in it, esp playing it as black. And it does have a lot more sharpness in the beginning, if you survive that then you can build some sort of solidity in the middle. Hehe, it's like first wave attack then a bit of respite then second wave. How interesting is this game. 

So there must be these kind of nuances to every single position right. Just a teeny tiny variation that changes the nature of the game ever so slightly. How beautiful. That is legitimately beautiful imo. 

Hehe, who knew you can view a boardgame as an artform. It's like variations of strokes in a paintings - if you have a trained eye - you can tell just the slight nuance an artist intended and thereby discern their skill on how much of what they created was intentional, and thereby the details and thoughts behind something come alive. 

♥️

Ugh. Whiled away day chessing randomly and thinking lots...I really need to cut it down. Lmao. Just barely wrote too now I have to spend the night finishing my word count. Last minute effort for the wins. 

Aaaand I have a long day tomo aaaaaa. Just behaving like I'm back at uni the same bullshit we did then. Lmao. Okay let's get to workkkkk.

Steady

Today's conversation made me think... I used to fixate on whether or not someone is a narc or has empathy or not but I think I'm wrong. I'm not afraid of people like this, what I feared was liking them and then getting gutted once I'm happy and comfortable cuz that's when they make you miserable. 

But instead of looking for signs of this, I'm going to only focus on how someone makes me feel. If I feel happy and safe with them, then it's a green light. If not, no point in hoping they change. And it's stupid to want the other person to trust me while I harbour skepticism like that's also a shitty way to treat someone and I don't want to do that. 

Which means I have to be careful before I like someone as opposed to how trusting I used to be earlier. The notion that there's a little good in everyone is shite, only people with a lot of good and less bullshit need to make the cut. Also important are values they display and not in what they state. Of that I'm sure I'll be discerning cuz I always go by actions and not words. Hmmm. 

Man, I feel a lot of compassion for myself right at this minute though. I was just so sacred and convinced that I wasn't lovable, that noone would have my back ever. :( Shit. 

Still, that feeling has finally left me. So it's good. :). Yes, I think I'll be okay from now. Hehe. Good stuff. 

It's always great when that sense of reliability comes from within, then I know I can be relaxed. And I feel so these days too. Not going to let this dissolve any more. I think I've finally found my steady state. It took forever but I know it'll also last forever now that it's here. 

Sat jam

First Snow

Feels good.

Art

Okay finally found a painting I can make for M. I'd been planning this bday gift for so long and yet couldn't find anything I thought she might like. But I think this would be good. Ugh..but it's tough to make. Will take idk how many days. Still, worth the effort. 

After searching for ages, through countless styles and works I realised that more or less art needs to speak something v specific otherwise it just becomes tooooo blah. Like looks great but needs an actual storyline too for it to be nice. Atleast for me. Anyway, I'm a bit intimidated by this one cuz it'll definitely need a lot of patience to make but I'm kinda excited to try it out too. Wooohoo. Let's gooooo

Someone called him a 1000 times? What in the world? Wtf kinda experience has he even had? Man, I'm shook. And I legit do not know what to say to this. Hmmm. Explains why he seems to hate conflict I guess. Or why he is so strange at times. I think he gets so focused on preserving himself that at times he doesn't understand how he treats others too. I used to wonder why he seemed so inconsiderate, but I guess I understand it a bit better now. 

I think he has some trauma from his past though, and in attempting to fight it off or prevent it for recurring, he seems to also treat people in strange ways. It used to flummox me why he was so paranoid with me, especially as I've been nothing but kind to him. To the point where I have genuinely contemplated just running away from him at times cuz I got so tired of dealing with some random distrust not of my making. And it is very unfair to be made to pay the price for someone else's bad behaviour right. That's the part that always got to me. It's awful to do that. Like what I'm reading about Kramnik accusing Hiki of cheating. I'm sure it's extremely hard to have someone portray you in such a bad light when you haven't done anything wrong. Plus it becomes catch 22 this way. If you only think that people who are good to you have an agenda, then you'll only see them with caution and push them away or keep testing them. What people don't realise is that when they are constantly testing someone... the person who is subjected to this behaviour will find it deeply problematic. Lol. Like it's interesting but what in his mind was probably him wanting to protect some boundary, in my mind would come across as... "Hey why are you questioning my integrity?" Those are two v fundamentally diff thoughts and for me, it would come across as insulting. Hmmm. Plus I also don't want to make excuses for behaviour that hurts me at the end of the day. If I do, then I'll end up viewing him like he views his friend A. That dude seems to get a free pass to say and do whatever nonsense but gets by cuz this guy sees his past trauma and rationalises it. He doesn't even expect good behaviour or that his friend would have his back, which I'm not even sure if that guy will. He just lies and says he doesn't know him to actual people he hangs with, that's so awful. Like he is cheating on them by being with him so he has to hide it. That's so wrong, your friendships should be equal and your friends should be in your corner. Lol. Yeah, I refuse to see him in that strange way or excuse bad behaviour or demote him to that level of being like A. Standards of behaviour should be upheld and respect, consideration should be a two way street. 

Either way, shit happens but we have to have the strength to move forward and not look at everyone with some deep distrust otherwise you'll never find someone with quality. Well, I hope he sought some therapy to help with this shit cuz honestly sometimes it is just good to have a professional help make sense of these things. Security and trust are the cornerstones of every good equation and he has to be able to provide that for someone, not just want it to be provided for him. And good people eventually only stay if they are treated with humanity and respect, that isn't really negotiable for anyone. I hope he understands that someday. Well, I hope he figures it out. If you expect something good from me or anyone else for that matter, it's only fair that you ask yourself what good are you adding to my life and hold your own self accountable too. 

Anyway, I've kind of just let it all go now. It's just better if things are relaxed anyway. I don't want to randomly judge him or feel judged or have any ego issues etc. 

Just go with the flowww. 

Qwaasaa

I want a croissant. 🥺 

A nice, buttery, flaky croissant made with love and lots of expertise. 

Voted for some random guy, politics makes me so sad yuck. What a filthy profession. 🤢🤮

Watching some eps of Reindeer Baby and holy crap it's so scary. Fuck. I can't believe crazies like that exist I got legit scared lmao. Just that fucked up anger and shouting and all that is so damn insane. Man, I really feel like I haven't seen even 1% of how absolutely insane shit that happens. Even these people who shout at each other is kinda low key very disturbing to me. Imagine being scared of someone in your own home or neighborhood mofo. I'd totally lose my mind. I'd rather deal with generic douchebaggery than this nonsense. Aaaaaa. I'm feeling on edgeeeee.

Fuck dude. This type of mental illness is idek what to say these people need to be locked upppp.

You know... This reminds me of that crazy chick from M's stream also tbh. I used to feel the same type of feeling on edge around her too. Like the weird adopting of different personalities, lying incessantly, trying out all angles to seem appealing, trying to cozy up to people who could pay for her with that fake niceness, it was extremely disturbing to me. I can totally imagine someone unhinged like her stalking someone incessantly too somehow. Like keep a facade in front of someone but be absolutely crazy on the inside. It's like she had no concept of normal human behaviour. And you know what was so scary about her? I think it was that incessant acting tbh. I never told him this but I recall her speaking in an eerily similar style to me right down to using yo as a greeting and interrupting whenever I would say anything to him. It was extremely creepy. Thing is, maybe on the outset this behaviour just looks silly but my intuition about people is extremely strong esp when something is wildly off about them. Like some weird alarm bell starts to ring in my head. 

Aaaaa. Fuck. CREEEEEPYYYYYYYYY

~~

This show is so masterfully done tbh, I'm feeling nightmarish just viewing it. 

~~

I'm super lucky to have had a sheltered life man. Fuck. On balance, the only objectively awful person I've known is A and even that I left within 6 months. The rest is just life, with its assortment of good and bad experiences. And I'm lucky that every step of the way in my life I've had a bunch of good friends and I don't actually have to deal with nutjobs like in that series. I'd rather take getting mad at stuff like wondering if the person I speak to is considerate of me and generally a respectful person or not and stuff like that. And I think I've even stopped worrying about all this tbh. Just figured that the right people will make me feel safe with them, and the ones that don't are simply not worth bothering with. Having said that, I hope I'm never in a spot in life again where I have to ask myself that horrible question that came to my mind or have anyone make me feel the need to. Still, It's nowhere close to all this abusive, harassing shite I think I'll run away vv far if someone even remotely does that to me. 💀

Well, I truly am privileged in a lot of ways and I'm grateful to have the life I do. 

I've reached a good space in life. I'm happy, I'm writing, and I've stopped caring about a whole lot of useless shit lol. And I've finally come to realise that I don't have to give a fuck about things and people that don't make me happy. I got so tired over the years somehow that it took me a while to stop caring about nonsense but who cares, as long as I have learnt that lesson. I don't think I'll invest in anyone emotionally who doesn't earn that place in my life going forward either. Maybe I should have always been that way, but I used to have this naive idea that people have inherent niceness in them. Lmao, really got fucked by that one stupid thought. Now, I hold no such illusions and I'm pretty clear that I would not compromise on quality. That's good. Stupendous lack of effort is not something I give a rat's ass about. Plus I'm sure once my stance is firm, it'll only lead to better choices. I feel like a veil just lifted. This last year taught me that... To value myself, to have clearer boundaries, and to aim for equality and reciprocity in my equations. I don't even feel like giving benefit of doubt to anyone anymore, cuz what's the point. Good people don't need to be given that anyway, imo. They just straight up show you they are good. No need for prompting. It took me half my life to understand this even though it's such a simple thing for so many others na. Sheesh. Oh well, tis what tis.

Anyway meh. Life's too short to compromise anyway. Unburdened myself of any and all expectations, decided to look forward and live well. 

Cheers. I feel nice. 

Joy is returning and for once it's because I chose it for myself. I'll do my best to nurture it and myself too while I'm at it. ♥️

Chess world sickens me. It really does. So filled with such petty, small minded hypocrites who sell their souls for cash. Puke worthy, truly. I don't like it at all tbh. Even Magnus who I thot was down to earth now trying to get sponsored by Saudi like come on. I've lost all respect for everyone I don't even care that they play well like all of it sucks 🤮

Plus it looks soooo sad for a former world champ to name drop like that and still not get that sponsorship that's extremely cringe

Emotional abuse

 

Genuinely thought this was some hoax post but no. People like this actually exist holy fuck. If someone can be this inhuman, I don't even know what to say. This is just abuse to the max, what a horrendous, toxic loser fuck.

Note to self: shitbags like this exist in this universe. Never ever fall for someone who shows a lack of consideration towards you ever again. You never know how abusive they might be on the inside, and I'm pretty sure it'll be a lot. 

I legit feel that the biggest red flag in someone is precisely this - lack of consideration. That, along with a tendency to manipulate. It shows that they don't respect you but rather see you as an object to be attained. 

Not that I'll ever like someone like this in the long run, but I'm glad I have the ability to understand when I'm being treated badly. The good thing is that when I do understand it, it erodes any care I have for that person and slowly I'm just indifferent to them. 

Plus emotional abuse comes in many forms - when someone's goal in life is to belittle everyone around them, when they can't be happy if you do anything good, if your success threatens them... All of that is just kryptonite to these abusive fuckers cuz it makes their egos feel small. Unchecked insecurity is a hallmark trait of such people. Yuck. Vile. 

~~~~~

People who make you feel safe with them, actively...By their actions, words, gestures, presence...They are the only ones that are worth including in your life, and the only ones who are worth caring about. No exceptions.  Plus blah. If I know one thing for sure... I will never lower my standards to accomodate just anyone random. 

Spacewalk

 

Sometimes I'm genuinely stunned at how incredible technology is and how much we take it for granted. The fact that I can just watch a live spacewalk in real time is so fucking amazing. From docking to launches to fixing technical stuff, all of it. 

Some of the best visuals from the space station I've seen are ones where the sunrise just happens and it's such a fast moving ship that you can witness moon rise and sun rise repeatedly in a short time. 

Far above us, just chilling. 

Feel like buying myself some jewellery. But then I don't wear anything other than rings. Hmmm. Maybe like some nice earrings it's been ages since I went and got something. Lol. I've become like some ascetic, only looking to buy organic eggs and produce and not much else. Haha. I've actually lost all interest in shopping etc too. I've changed so damn much. Or maybe it's just growing up or something. I feel like I don't have too much urge to splurge as such. Oh well. Who cares. Minimalism is my jam. 

Luzhin

Luzhin is a complete stereotype of a narcissist. Wanting to obtain a woman that has social value but comes from a poor house, trying to act as if he is doing her a huge favour. Trying to twist their poverty into an advantage for him and making them servile to him while simultaneously wanting them to debase themselves so he can feel good about himself. What an utterly loathsome character. 

I've met maybe two narcissists in my life. And they were surprisingly similar. It was the exact same behaviour too. Always acting pricey, trying to pretend to be superior while being average, zero empathy towards anyone. They are especially bad for their partners. And always only concerned with themselves. It's so repulsive. And at the end of the day, it's severe emotional abuse to just leech out someone's humanity and niceness while treating them with contempt. 

Gross. People like these are true dementors. 

I've come to realise that my loyalty now is only won by people who are considerate to me. Which is good, earlier I would give everyone a chance but now I realise if I'm choosing to be in your corner then you should also be in mine. If I'm not safe with you, then what's even the point?

Saw this teeny cute little dog waiting for the lift. It was so adorable and yet so scared. Tail between legs, seemingly unsure. Her owner tells me that some kids used to bully her so she is still afraid. Man, it hurt so much to see that. Such a lovely doggie and on a random day is just afraid because of trauma. 

Abuse is such a horrific thing. It makes you paranoid and on your guard at all times. Even little creatures like her fear it. I hate it. 

Sometimes a tiny moment can be so sad no? 

Half my day is over and I've procrastinated it awayyyy 😭😭😭😭

So much to do and no mood to do it lol. Have to finish the writing too. I think I have a starting problem in that it takes me time to get around to it, but once I do I get into the flow easily. Okay let's get it all doneeee.

---

Clink

Cheers to the naive soul I used to be, and with great reluctance and a lot of affection, I fare thee well. Makes me sad to reflect on her and how baby like she was, but I guess one must adapt to the need of the hour, even if it's something you wish not to do. Ugh. One day I will capture your essence in words that hide in plain sight, and shower you with all the love I can. You are the best of me, and always will be. 

I wonder how Dosto's characters would play out should the plot remain the same but the characters were interchanged. Their personalities are so stark, so vivid. But what if you put them in other diff scenarios?

Talking to mom and man, I felt so bad for her rn. Taking care of my granny and still afraid she might be nasty to her. Wtf yo. It enrages me so much when I realise that some people are so fucking toxic and abusive. I just hate it. I have little to no contact with my granny primarily cuz I don't feel like forgiving her ever, and stuff like this just makes me feel like it's always been the right choice. 

I guess people like these have cemented my belief that consideration and respect are the two primary traits that need to be present in all equations. I always notice how someone treats me. I will never tolerate this kinda abusive behaviour or having to live in some perpetual worry about an impending attack from some shitty person. Emotional abuse can be extremely damaging. Never ever choose someone with a tendency to be abusive, they never change and you just get tired and worn out. 

Whatever. Blah. 

Nuzzing to zay, nuzzing. Nuzzing.

Top notch quotable quote.

Self assurance and respect

Watched a small clip of Gukesh saying he saw magnus's predictions for the game and how he didn't let it impact him. That's such good mentality man. Honestly something to learn from. I think it also stems from having a very strong sense of self. Something I find admirable since I lacked it for so long in my life. It's absolutely inspirational to me. Haha. Lil kid teaching me life lessons. I really like it. 

+ 

Saw some small clip posted of Botez duo and that awful Russian lady forgot her name talking to Sagar and they made some lame comments about him beating his wife at chess as an innuendo. I loved how he didn't say anything bad but I could tell he was visibly uncomfortable. Hehe. A man who just loves and respects his partner and he would never ever make those kinda jokes. I like that about him. It always wins my respect when people treat their partners well even if it means going against the group. Esp that Russian lady god she is so fucking tacky and cheap. Always try harding to be edgy. Absolutely pathetic tbh. How despo do you have to be if all you can do is make sexual innuendos constantly? Somehow it always registers to me as a sign of low intelligence if you can't make witty conversation without having to play the edgy girl role like some teenager that thinks they are relevant. Lol. While I don't actually care about edginess and can enjoy it at the right moments, knowing who to subject that to, who is okay and in on the joke v who isn't takes a bit of distinction. Then again, what can you expect from someone who shows off their body for money. Lamezies. 

Lo-Fi

 Elijah Nang - Journey to the West

As the Lofi comes on, the beats reminiscent of a cluttery room on a midnight where it rains intermittently. Enough to make you feel a lil bit restless, a desire to dance a bit, fantasize, to check group chats just to see what you might have missed, to sigh dramatically because you are so young you don't really know what the weight of the world feels like. But you know the weight of your own world that just falls down on you, emotions and all and you can just shrug it all off. Because you are young, you are beautiful and life... It's gonna smile on you no matter what. Even when you cry, you know you enjoy that feeling. The call for self appeasement in the theatrics. 

You see a book on the side, and you wonder how people liked it ever. Cuz now you are snooty, we know more than Sartre, don't we? He just didn't have friends - he was lonely. You said this when you were 13. 

Were you wrong?

Was Atlas drugged?

Shrug. 

Yogurt + Mango + Blueberry Yogurt = 🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮

And my stomach feels fucked after that. Yukky. 

"Family are those who choose to be in your life." How sweet and true. ♥️

My friends have always been my family, and I hope they always are. No matter what changes happen in life, I hope the good ones always stay. Sometimes I feel like I'm v happy to show them off to the world too, hehe. It's cuz I love them so much they seem like some of the best folks out there, esp my inner circle. I'm so proud of them all tbh. 

Summer

A time for florals and whites and linens. Soothing, happy, pleasant.

Laying in bed, half asleep and I am sooo reluctant to get up today. Just feels too cosy and nice ♥️ 

Values

Mum tells me that dads' friend actually travelled to go meet granny over the weekend. How nice. My dad really has some great friends. He actually went all that way, how many people even take time out of their schedule to do that. There are certain behaviours I love in people. When they show you consideration and actively take part in being nice to you. 

A lesson I've learnt the hard way tbh. When I contrast this with the kind of folks I was used to... The horrible behaviour some of them displayed. Shit. I feel so gross that I entertained so many entitled and shitty assholes half my life. And here is a guy who had no reason to be this nice and yet he does so much for my dad. I'm v happy for him tbh. He is a blessed man, all said and done...the right kind of people really respect him and look up to him. I love that. In a sea of jealous, petty and insecure people, it's great to have some that are so utterly sweet. Lately, I've been thinking about that a lot. How many people would actually have my back, be happy for me if I do well, with whom I feel like I can be vulnerable with ease? Not many. The kind of people I also respect are people like these tbh. Ones who won't look to belittle you, but are actively wanting you to do well. Will not be happy if you did badly behind your back. Lol, basically no petty and jealous folks. I'd like some good quality going forward. 

I hope genuinely that I too have the capacity to distinguish good v bad and only allow for the good in my life.  And I think I do. M was telling me the same thing yesterday... How it's amazing to just be around the ones who make you feel good internally. I see how happy she is now, how calm and it's amazing cuz I've seen her through some tough times. And she has always been there for me. So that's amazing too. Hehe. Cheers to the good ones, you make my life feel good. 

Salinger

 "She wasn't doing a thing that I could see, except standing there leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together."

Salinger. 

Some writers are so evocative, they can spin and entire narrative in a small paragraph. Respect. A quote I love, and it makes me feel so good to read. I guess that was the attempt and the attempt was successful hehe. I love it. 

It's how I imagine a man should love a woman, just in its essence. Seek to uplift, not destroy. Seek to cherish, not reduce. Above all, seek to respect, and all of that will be reflected back at you. Wholesome. 

Waking up just to see some of the game and dayum. So exciting I'm feeling nervous seeing it haha.

Bruuuh I fell asleep thinking it'll be tiebreaks and it's not. Dayum...I feel so gutted for Ian and Fabi though fuck. Shit dude. Damn I feel very very bad for them. :(

Mentality is such a monster. It truly is. Couple of years ago I remember seeing an interview by this kid and I was struck by his poise and therav as they call it. I've seen that twice before in my life, where two people who completely overlooked by everyone around suddenly showed so much fortitude that they went ahead to win their respective competitions and all the flashy ones were dust. The same stuff I thought I saw in Gukesh. Not giving in to pressure, battling with fortitude. And he is now a contender and I bet noone, including me, was thinking it'll be that. Incredible. I hope the kid has a bright future and grows from strength to strength. It'll be crazy how much pressure he would be under now. But I hope the will to do your best just cuts out all the noise. And that's so necessary. To have a good view of what you want and to be focused on it without letting your own mind get in the way. Huge lesson to be learnt. 

Want to take a moment to appreciate how much my mom has changed in her behaviour now. She has actually become a lot nicer. That's the great thing about people who try and make an effort, over a little period of time you actually see the results and it's amazing. That's why you should give people a chance in my opinion. I've always done that, a lot of times to my detriment too, but there's this weird sense of optimism I have when it comes to stuff like this and I can't seem to accept a doomsday kinda narrative of everyone sucks therefore cut them all out. Yes, sometimes fundamental nature of people may not change but a lot of the times a lot of things that are not core behaviours can. That's good. My relationship with her is so much better now. There was a time when it was awful but now it's actually decent and at times quite sweet too. I love it and I hope it becomes a lot better too. There's a lot of stuff I have implicitly admired about her - her strength, her resilience, her can do attitude. And all my family wants the best for me and I love that... My friends do too. That's a good space to be in. 

 Finally can lift those weights hehe. Yaaay

I feel really sad some days. Like just sad. This year has been so awful, right from Jan. And I just feel like time is passing me by. :( I wish some happiness enters my life in some way, shape or form. Just gotta keep my chin up I guess. Keep busy. I don't even feel like interacting with anyone, I've become so silent. And I have this weird feeling inside me now that if I do try to make new friends even they might be mean and I just don't have it in me to take any more damage. Damn man. I objectively know pms is making me feel this way but what do I do, it just feels horrid. When did I become so unhappy? 

Lol, I'm just playing chess obsessively today just to keep all the sadness at bay. 

All I want is to be shown some affection to be honest. But I can't keep dwelling on that cuz there's no point. Great, THIS MAKES ME SADDER!

💀

Tales

Hmm okay so mum and bro and friends liked it. I want to turn this into a series of 10-12 short tales, just trying to capture some bits of childhood in a small town. Kinda like Sweet William etc. I think that would be nice. Hehe. I'm actually v happy doing this it feels kinda sweet in my heart to be honest. I hope I can build something nice through these. Let's see. 

Why tf is it so hot zomg. Don't even feel like leaving the AC off all day this is crazy. 

I tried so much that day to hit 1900 and today I've hit it 3-4 times woohoo. Beat a lot of +2000 ish rapid guys in blitz too and one who was 2300 with position and not time scramble. That was really cool fun. Interestingly I'm finally noticing the diff in game styles with ones that are higher rated like 2000+ and lower ones even if their blitz is similar. games with lower rated ones tend to be boring and decided on bullshit but the ones with higher rated guys are more fun with sharper lines and more precision. I enjoy those I don't like the others I lose interest. But funzies. I'm happy. 

I have this strange issue where I can calculate lines for games I'm spectating but for my own I tend to kind of not see the whole board. I wonder why that is. Some weird mindset thing need to change it. 

Love

My PMS is hitting the roof and all I can think of is that one vid I loved and it's making me crryyyyyy. Hahahha fuck. Like I'm laughing but I'm soooo sentimental rn idek whyyyyyyyy. It was just so cute and wholesome and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Why did I ever see it and why is it exactly what I picture happiness to beeeeeeeeeeeee? 

I am so so so so so mushy bro fuck whatever happened to that tomboy in me, literally noone who knows me sans one or two people would even know this is how soft I am on the inside. Sheesh... I'm only embarassed lol. 

😅

I am a fools. But I like it. But I ALSO WANT TO CRRYYYY RN AAAAAAA. 

Stupid periods just dialing emotions up to 100. 

also, you fucker I hate you. Idk why, but rn it just feels good to say that lolol. 

Options

Only over the last year or so, I've realised what it can feel like to be an option in someone's life. It's  interesting. I haven't really been a part of the crowd that dates incessantly, all my equations were at the very least long term. By the time I was single, I was not in a place where I wanted to date. And even now, my fundamental nature hasn't changed.

I value people. And I don't compromise. That's an honest truth. But I took the fact that they value me for granted for most of my adult life. In some way atleast. All my equations were always crafted with care though, and there was a sense of solidity in all of them. 

And the recent past has taught me that either hmmmm. Actually no, I may have misjudged things. But I don't think I'll ever actually accept the concept of being an option to someone. I'm neither jaded nor am I built for flippance. I simply don't think that someone who can treat you as an option will ever see you as anything other than 'best they could find' or some nonsense like that. This thought came to me when Di told me the other day that she would not have married if not for 'societal pressure'. I was completely aghast at the thought. I would hate it if my partner was saying this within a year of marrying me. And then I thought...hmm...I don't think I would choose a partner like that in the first place. Like how insulting is it if you know that someone you promise your life to tends to think that they would do better than you, while using all your niceness and care? I would be absolutely crushed at the thought. And I don't want to go through life just begging someone to love me or hoping they do or like that line from Grey's where she just goes pick me, choose me, love me. Like no man. It makes me sick to even think that. If you aren't in love with me, pls don't make me think you are or try to pick me choose me lol... I would hate you the instant I found out. That is such a nightmare. 

Actually even the idea of this made me realise how important it is to have your own sense of self worth. And I've started drawing back from people who don't make me feel good now. Even if slow, I don't think I'll cater to bad behaviour and eventually I'll just detach if it continues. I don't need breadcrumbs.

At the end of the day, things can't be that hard. Not in areas that matter. If someone doesn't make you feel nice, if they don't make you feel important, if you have to worry about their feelings towards you, then just say fuck off lol. Life is way too short to just crawl through forever. 

And I hate to say it, but I hope her husband never realises this about her. Because the day he does, I'm not sure how he would feel. It would be nightmarish to know that all the times you loved them, were nice, planned things, took care of them... They were just thinking I could do better. This quality is very specific to women I think and I detest it. It's like ripping someone's soul out who was nothing but good to you. 

That's one quality I'm actually quite happy to have in me - I don't use people and I'm not scared of being alone or doing the hard work. I would never ever deceive someone into thinking I love them when I don't. And I would certainly never ruin someone's life by marrying them then being unfulfilled after that. 

After all the stupid, shitty things I've been through, my one hope is that I never end up with a person like that. What a sad thing to say about a friend but it is what it is. 

Uncut gems

Sometimes it's the little things in life that show you the bigger dynamics at play. I have often noticed teeny elements of daily living. The small, oft unnoticed things that are indicative of the larger picture. I always saw how the boomer gen was stuck in their dynamics and those tiny petty humiliations that bickering couples used to heap on each other. Not enough to be a deal breaker but just small enough to keep the other person semi unhappy. It was in these moments that my idea of cruelty were shaped. Because not everyone is a giant villian. But there are smaller, day to day ways of cutting someone down, keeping them small. I've always hated that. 

And on the other hand, I've always noticed how a small thing makes a big difference in someone's day too. A kind word, some encouragement, belief in them, it instantly uplifts and acknowledges a person. And some people feel overlooked all their lives to the point that they internalise it. That is what hurts me the most because when I see them more often than not it's just a sweet old soul. 

We were discussing lately how few people we know who were brought up in smaller towns actually have a lot more ethics and spine than the more polished, well to do crowd we were used to. It's shocking how a polished exterior masks underlying bullshit. Like putting perfume on a turd. 

Give me an uncut diamond anyday, and I'll still know its value even if it never gets polished. Idgaf about that. 

Okay I'm going to create an entire series. Have to ensure the plot is good lol. Let's do this

I've always wondered about the average narcissist. They are always the most mediocre people, convinced that they are great and in reality are more or less just so basic. Maybe that's why they find it uncomfortable when anyone around them shines even a little bit. Cuz that image shatters. And how they hang on to the coattails of people they consider better than them just so people will think a lot of them. How sad. I vividly recall that night when A called me from Singapore where he randomly went for new years. And at 5 am he was just alone on the street cuz none of his so called "friends" were actually his friends, just people he knew who didn't want to hang with him. And he called and was saying some shit and buying himself something from one of the marts there. And all I could see was a sad guy noone liked who is roaming around in the middle of the night alone because he wanted to be seen as idk... Like he has a life or something. It was quite sad and borderline pathetic but damn. I don't understand the motivation to be this much at the mercy of random people's opinions but if you are then it's so damn shit. 

Well, the one thing I do know well - if pulling others down is the only way you feel relevant, then not only are you toxic, but the only thing that makes you extraordinary at is being pathetic. 

Nadal

Wow Nadal is so... Idk. I am sad to see him this way. But I think there are times in life where you have to honor your body, your family and your life. I love him as an athlete but he really should call it quits. Can't imagine how taxing this must be on his wife. I would be worried sick. Esp as he now has a kid. That's the thing about stubborn men. Sometimes I feel like they value their stubbornness more than the people who love them. And it must be so utterly hurtful to those who realise that they don't come first for him. Esp after having kids. Idk. I hate selfishness in people, I really do. Esp when it comes at the cost of everyone else around them. But it's also very heartbreaking to see him this way, truly. Just that post match conf was so gutting. :(:(:(. 

I would find it very hard to see someone I love get hurt repeatedly. Lol. May I never have to see that day. And may everyone I love stay happy, healthy and considerate of me forever. ♾️

"She's got gaps, I've got gaps, together we fill gaps"

~ Rocky

A line that finally makes me want to see the movie. Maybe soon

A teeny tiny ouch

Man. I feel a genuine sense of sadness today. I know pms is ongoing. But I just feel bad. I don't want to say what exactly made me feel that, but I just wish sometimes that... Ugh... Fuck. Just feel sad. :(

One time of the month where it becomes really hard to actually just feel upbeat. 

And I know it's pms and it'll lift. 

Well, no worries. All phases end, this will too. Stupid pms. 

Whew...finally finished it. Was fun writing it tbh. Genuinely enjoyed the process. Now onwards to bigger stories. Need to get working on plotting my actual novel. I think that will be really fun too. Hope so. Would love to do a good job and publish it this year. Yaay 

The Little Pirate

 

The Little Pirate

The sun was exceptionally bright that Saturday afternoon. Salty sea breeze wafted in from time to time, bringing with it a faint smell of Junipers. A hint of anise mingled with their pungent scent courtesy the abundant Tickseed shrubs growing nearby. 

The small seaside town was quiet this time of day. Kids were home for the summer - lounging around in shorts, selling lemonade on corner stands, slurping on as many ice creams as they could sneak in when their parents weren't watching. Which was easy, as most parents were inside their homes, watching the telly and trying to keep their post lunch drowsiness at bay.  

On the corner of a little lane, tucked in between rows of Hibiscus and Bougainville and some yellow flowers whose name no one seemed to know...stood a merry looking house with sprawling green lawns surrounding it.

A small figure crouched next to a freshly groomed golden retriever, whispering excitedly. Little Eric was dressed as a pirate today. Blue striped shirt, red shorts and a pointy red paper hat that he had hand painted sat with pride on his wavy hair. The hat had the words 'B.I.G.H.U.R.T.' scrawled on one side, and a large black 'X' made of two swords on the other. 

"Catch!" he yelled, swinging his racquet with all his might. Thwack! The ball hit the middle of the strings and shot out across the garden, a flurry of gold chasing it. 

"Get it Barney, go faster!" urged Eric, starting to run after the ball himself. 

Barney promptly got to the ball and trotted back, half his tongue rolling out the side of his mouth. He dropped the ball at Erics' feet and looked up at him, panting.

"Good boy!" said Eric, picking the ball up, carefully avoiding the parts Barney had slobbered over. 

"Want to go again?" he asked Barney. 

"Woof", he replied, perking his tail up. 

"Okay, this time I'll throw it as far as I can" said Eric. He bounced it twice on the ground, then raised his right hand backwards for a wide swing. 

"Go!", he yelled, and swung his hand with all his might, opening his hand like an elegant butterfly.

"Thaaawack".  Specks of drool flew from the ball as it spun in a wide arc, a flash of gold close behind. Spinning across the blue sky, the ball raced over the lawn, across the flower beds, and clean over the wooden fence into their neighbours' garden. 

"Woof! Woof! Wooof woof wood woooof!" Barney threw himself at the fence, pushing against it with all his might. "Woof woof woof" he barked, trying to leap across. 

"Oh no!" The little pirate grimaced to himself and ran towards the fence. Jumping across the flower beds, he rushed towards Barney who was continuing in his efforts to break the fence down. " Shush, be quiet!!" Eric tried pulling Barney away from the fence to no avail. The dog had a will of his own, and no mighty fence was going to come between him and his precious toy. Eric put his hands on the edge of the wood and hauled himself up, trying to look over. Last time his ball went over, he almost got in trouble with the grumpy old man next door. Something about his huge silvery moustache had told Eric he wasn't a man to be trifled with. 

Hoping that the coast was clear, he gazed across the yard of the house next door, trying to spot his ball. And spot it he did. 

From under a bushy brow, his old neighbour stared at Eric, holding a glass jug of what appeared to be half drunk orange juice with lots of ice and a yellow ball floating on the top of it. 

"Oh no" thought Eric. He was sure to get into trouble now. Just last week the old man had complained to his mom about Barney sneaking into his yard and digging up his freshly watered flowerbeds. 

"He thought he buried his bone there, he was just trying to get it outttt." Eric tried explaining to his mother, but she was not in a mood to listen. 

"She never does", Eric mused to himself. 

"Well young man, is this yours?" Boomed a deep voice. Glaring at Eric, the old man made his way towards them.

One time, Eric had bitten into an apple only to find half a worm in it. Feeling much the same way as he had done then, Eric looked back at the moustached man. 

"Yes, Sir" he replied, slumping his shoulders a bit. 

"And what is it doing in my juice?" Frowned the man.

"Appears to be floating, sir" 

"And why exactly is it floating in my juice, boy?"

"Because it's made of rubber sir, rubber balls don't sink"

The man furrowed his brows at Eric, then burst into laughter.

Eric looked up hopefully at him. Maybe this time he wouldn't get into trouble. 

"May I have it back, sir?" he opened his eyes wide, trying his best to look innocent. 

"No" 

"Please? Mom won't let me have another, she says I break too many things" Eric tried appealing to the man's kinder nature. 

" I'll tell you what... You can come and clean up the mess you made, and then you can have it back. " 

" Oookay" grinned Eric, jumping down from the fence, glad that his mom would not be involved in this particular episode.

" And while you are at it, you can also weed out my garden for me. Spend some of that energy productively. Little kids should... "

Eric grimaced and zoned out. He hated being told to do something as a matter of principle. He was a pirate, noone tells a pirate what to do. 

"... go around the back gate, it's open" finished the man. 

Looking down, he saw Eric was already scrambling under a loose plank at the edge of the fence, with Barney jumping expectantly at his backside. 

"When did that come loose?" asked the man

"No idea, sir". Eric thought it might not be prudent to let on that it was infact him and Barney who had spent an entire afternoon loosening the plank just enough that they could scoot over to the man's yard in case of emergencies. 'The less they know, the better' was his unspoken motto for dealing with adults. 

Squeezing himself under the plank, he got on his elbows to crawl ahead. He grabbed hold of a bit of grass and pulled himself forward one motion and got up. Barney stuck his nose under the plank, then his paws, and wriggled on his tummy like a quick duck, emerging victorious on the other side. New places to smell! His doggie mind excited, he leapt up at Eric, licked his nose, and trotted off to discover new things. 

The old man sighed. 

"Over there." he pointed towards a long wrought iron yard table, with benches on both sides. " You can find the cleaning supplies in the deck closet..."

The table was piled high with a jumble of things. Newspapers, letters, a towel, a slightly chipped vase with dried out flowers, a chess board, a pack of cards, some coupons and other adult knick knacks Eric had no interest in. On the ground next to the table was a sticky mess which he assumed was the reason why he was there. Looked like his ball had knocked a toureen of soup over, mixed with broken china and a dash of orange juice. 

"Doesn't look so bad." he thought to himself. His eyes wandered back to the plate of cookies. It had been almost 20 minutes since his mum had given him a snack. A veritable lifetime ago, as far as he was concerned. 

"... and make sure you clean it well!" continued the old man, settling himself down at the table. He drew the chess board towards him, and lightly tapped one piece as if to lift it up. 

Eric walked around to the closet and fetched a rather stringy broom, a forlorn looking raggedy cloth and a small bucket which he filled with water from a hoze. He squatted down next to the table and began cleaning up. Picking up the pieces of broken china, he carefully put them all to a side. 

Five minutes passed, then ten. Old Man seemed lost in thought, frowning over the chess board. Eric was busy scrubbing the floors, wondering when it would be snack time. He was already tiring of this monotonous job, but once he began something, he liked to finish it well. Barney came bounding back to them, his paws and nose suspiciously brown. He sniffed at Eric, then at the ground and immediately tried licking the spot where Eric was cleaning. 

"Ugh... Getoffff, you are making it dirty again" cried Eric, trying to shove Barney aside. "Woof", said Barney loudly, wagging his tail, leaving deep brown splotches in his wake. 

"Aaaahhhh" Eric was frustrated. 

"What's going on?" asked Old Man, snapping out of his reverie. 

"Barney is hungry" Eric responded. 

"Would he like a cookie?"

"Yes, two please" came the prompt reply. 

"Here" the old man offered them the plate.

"Wha’re you doofink?" asked Eric, stuffing his mouth immediately. Chocolate chip cookies were his favourite. He held one out to Barney who gobbled it up in a single bite. Content, Barney sat down comfortably in a sunny patch. 

"Playing chess" replied the old man. "Do you know how to?" 

"Buff you aa jus’ sittin’ there" replied Eric. 

"I'm thinking about this position" 

Eric glanced at the board. The white pieces were facing him. Swallowing the rest of his cookie, he leaned over the board, trying to understand the progress of the game. 

"Do you know how to play?" asked old man, surprised at the interest Eric was showing. Thus far, he had assumed kids were only interested in one thing and that was causing mayhem wherever they went. Eric, in particular, seemed like a master of chaos. 

"Yes, my grandfather taught me when I was little. He used to beat me till I was 5, so I decided to learn it by myself last year. Now whenever we play, he loses. He still says he can beat me, but I haven't let him yet." grinned Eric, the memory of his last victory fresh in his mind. 

Old Man raised his bushy brows.

"So, what would you play for black next?" He asked. 

Eric looked at the board, immersed in thought. He reached across to pick up the knight. 

"You can only lift the pieces if you are going to play a move with that piece" interrupted Old Man. 

"Ohhh... Uhhmmm" Eric stopped midway, his hand hovering over the board. He slowly drew it back and continued staring at the board. “If I give up my knight for that pawn, then move my bishop here, can I attack his king?” he mumbled to himself. Craning his neck sideways, he tried to visualise what the board might look like for the line of play he had in mind.

“My son used to play chess” Old man said.

“Could he beat you?”

“Yes, but not until he was much bigger than you” smiled the old man. “He loved chess, and space. He wanted to be an astronaut. Did you know space is only 62 miles away from us? That’s closer than going to the next state, but you just have to go upwards” old man pointed.

“Even I want to be an astronaut.”

“I thought you are a pirate.”

“I can be both”

“A space pirate? What would you do there, most of it is empty”

“I’ll go to the moon”

“The moon? You know… when the first astronauts went to the moon, they caught the flu? Now, you may wonder how that can be, since there are no viruses in space. And the astronauts were all suited up, booted up. These weren’t just ordinary suits, these were space suits, specially designed. Tested, state of the art. Top of the line. Nothing could get through! Everyone was shocked. How did this happen? Did we discover new life? Was there life on the moon? All the scientists were excited. They did many, many tests to find out why the astronauts fell ill. And you know what they found? You wouldn’t believe it, it would blow your mind. They found out that moon dust…”

“ ohhhmm… but no, that doesn’t work. And none of his pieces are out yet. So, I should get mine out before he can. It’s a race! I bet I’m faster!! So, if I play my knight here, and even if he castles, I can start attacking his king quickly. He won’t know what hit him.” thinking out loud, Eric moved his knight to the f3 square.

“is actually so small and sharp and pointy, it can get through their space suits! And the astronauts - they breathed it in. Went straight into their lungs it did, making teeny tiny scratches along the way. That is how they fell sick! Imagine that - all that state-of-the-art equipment, and dust still got in! Like my wife used to say – ‘Dust always finds its way.’ Only cuz she didn’t like cleaning I suspect. Lord, she was a blessed woman, she was, but could not keep a tidy house. ‘A messy home is the sign of a happy home.’ And boy! Our house was a mess alright! Old Man’s eyes glistened as he spoke.

“It’s your turn”

“What? Oh…” he replied, and castled his king as Eric had accurately predicted.

 “…maybe if I move the h pawn next?” Eric fell into a trance again.

Old Man looked at Eric.

“You know, you remind me a lot of my boy. He was a good lad, he was. Very bright, and always had his head in a book. Was going to be a scientist, he used to say “Pa, I’m going to grow up and build robots. I’ll make one for you. You can stay home and send it to work.” He loved them bots. Nifty with his hands too. Took every darn thing I bought apart. “Need to see how it works” he would tell me. Ruined my best transistor, and my wife’s new electric fondue set. Boy, was she mad or what?” he reminisced. “Wife always said he loved me more than he loved her. I think he loved her more, how could he not? She was an angel. Never did make me breakfast in bed though. ‘Sleep in the kitchen, if you want breakfast in bed’ says my woman…”

“ so then if I go here, and then take his g6 pawn? He has to take my pawn back and then I can attack him from the h-file”

Eric was immersed in his quest for check-mate. He moved his h pawn up, going for the black king.

Old man looked at the board and played his queen pawn to the d6 square.

“Too slow!” exclaimed Eric, pushing his pawn to h5. “You’ll see!” he grinned at Old Man

“Will I?” laughed Old Man.

Old man brought his bishop out to pin Erics’ knight.

“That won’t do anything”

“A tell-tale sign of youth is a proclivity for extreme optimism.”

“Huh?”

“Eric! What are you doing there?” A woman’s voice rang out over the yard.

Startled, Eric looked up, only to see his mom’s face frowning at him across the fence.

“Has he been bothering you again?” she asked Old Man.

“Oh no, no, no no. No bother at all. Just playing a game…”

Her eyes narrowed, she looked at the messy spot Eric had abandoned cleaning.

“Did he break something?”, she questioned, her eyebrows raising into an arch.

“Uhm” the old man mumbled.

“See, she scares you too.” Eric whispered. “Don’t tell her what I did.”

“Wait right there, I’m coming to see what you have been up to”

His mum strode off towards her gate, as the two lads watched her helplessly. With a quick gait, she crossed over to the backyard and bore down upon them majestically in a way only mothers on a fact-finding mission can.

“So, what have you been upto?” his mom asked.

“Nothing at all mooom. Just playing a gaaame.” Eric threw his hands up, opening his eyes wide, his pirate hat perking up against the sky. “Seeee!” he said, pointing at the chess board, his face assuming an expression of righteousness.

That look only served to tell her that he had, indeed, been up to something.

“Well?” she turned to Old Man.

“Erm…”

“It’s okay, you can tell me.”

“No, no. It’s nothing serious, I just spilled some food you know… Getting on in years… boy was only helping me. Good kid you have there… very well behaved…”

Eric’s mom snorted.

“Well behaved!” she exclaimed. “Noone has ever called my son well- behaved. Troublemaker, loud, bratty… those are the words I’m used to.”

Old Man smiled sheepishly.

“We were just playing a game of chess. The young lad is quite good.”

“Oh, is he? My father taught him to play. They spend a lot of time together, especially during the holidays. He hasn’t been keeping well lately, so Eric has been stuck at home with me.”

“I can beat Grandpops now, mom.” Eric chimed in.

“I’m sure your father loves being around him. Nothing warms an old heart like the exuberance of the young. Kafka once said: ‘Youth is happy because it has the capacity to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.’”

Eric diverted his attention back to the board, promptly falling back in thought. His mum looked at Old Man, her expression softening. She took in his light blue eyes, now buried under a mound of wrinkles, the gentle curve of his mouth and the expression of mild nostalgia on his kindly old face.

“Do you have grandkids?” she asked.

“I used to have a wife and a son.” His eyes misting over, as if recalling a memory that is both distant and cherished.

Eric’s mum replied softly. “I’m so sorry to hear that. You live here alone then, I presume?”

“Aye. It’s alright now. Been many years. You get used to it eventually.”

“We just moved in a next door a little while ago. It’s been a busy few months for us, trying to settle in. Getting Eric to school, fixing up the house… we haven’t had the time to call on any neighbours so far. But you must come to dinner sometime this week. If you are free of course.”

“Why, yes, yes. Of course! I would love to. My wife used to love hosting dinners and barbeques for all our friends. She was loved by them all…Always in the middle of things, always laughing. I was a lucky man, to have found an angel like her. What she saw in me, I do not know. 33 years we were together… until that one day when…” the old man reminisced, a hint of tears clouding his eyes.

A squirrel ran across the yard as they were talking. “Wooff, woof woof woof woof” Barney perked up at the sight of the animal, immediately chasing it. The startled squirrel ran up the table and Barney promptly leapt on top to follow it. Books, papers, jug all went flying across the yard, both animals oblivious to the pandemonium. With a great leap, Barney managed to land right in the middle of the table, knocking over the chess board Eric was staring at all this while. Pieces scattered everywhere. “Nooooo!!! AAAaahhhhhhh” Eric yelled. The sudden interruption snapped him out of his trance. “I was just about to win! Barney, you silly ass! Bad Dog! What the hell are you doing?” he shouted, balling up his fists. He was enraged. “Why can’t you ever sit still? Argh! Why were you both talking so loudly?” he raged at his mother and old man.

“Eric!”

“No, mom! It’s not fair. I was just about to win and now you all have gone and ruined it!” Eric was besides himself. “And now it’s all lost, all of it!” He kicked out at a paper that had floated down near his foot.

“Eric, behave yourself!” his mom snapped.

“Tell Barney to behave himself” His fists still balled up. His face turned a deep red with the effort to stop himself from shouting more. “I was doing nothing, just sitting there, I was about to win!” he repeated. “I almost had you!” he rounded on the old man, eager to impress upon him the importance of his victory.

“ahh”

“Yes, see if I just moved my…” As Eric looked up at him, he was suddenly aware of the tears in Old Man’s eyes. Confused, he stopped mid-sentence. He looked towards his mom, who was perplexed and then back at Old Man. He had never seen an old man crying before, and it made him deeply uncomfortable for some reason. His rage vanished in a second, to be replaced by embarrassment and unease. He didn’t know what to say. Barney tucked his tail between his legs, aware that he was the cause of the ruckus. All four of them stood by in silence.

“Well, you don’t have to cry if you lose. Mom says it’s okay to cry, but still…” his voice trailed off. He didn’t like seeing Old Man this way.

“Barney can be a bit naughty sometimes, but he is a good dog you know.” He continued earnestly. At least, he isn’t a lobster.” He informed Old Man.

“A Lobster?”

“Yeah. Lobsters are really gross you know.”

“I like eating lobsters…” said old man.

“But they pee out of their faces. Just straight up! If you drink lobster soup, how do you know if it didn’t pee in the soup first?”

“Whaaat”

The old man threw back his head and started to laugh.

“That can’t be true!” he replied.

“It is! I went to sea world, and the keeper their told us. He said they just shoot pee out of their face at other animals. I would too, if I could. At all my enemies.”

“Yuck” said his mom, beginning to smile herself. “I won’t let you back in the house if you start doing things like that.”

“I’d love to see that” Old Man chimed in too.

“Gross. Boys are just gross.” His mom mumbled.

Both the men looked at her and smiled.

“Here, bring the board and get the pieces, I’ll show you something.” Old man told Eric

Obediently, Eric collected all of them and placed them back on the table.

“Geddoff” he pushed Barney, who was sitting peacefully on the board and picked it up too.

With deft fingers, Old Man set up the board to the last played position.

“There, now you can try to beat me” he said, with a twinkle in his eye.

“Wait… how did you do that? How did you know where to put them all?” Eric cried, stunned at this ability.

“Memory is a great thing” the Old Man smiled. “I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve too, youngling.”

Eric grinned. “That means I can learn them too. Will you teach me?”

“Only if you beat me this game.”

“Oh, Absolutely! See if I now take your g6 pawn with my bishop… ”

The pirate and the old man hunched across the board again, deep in discussion.

 ~

The End

Written by Me!