Chatted with M a lil bit. Now he is being nice and open. You're a total enigma man. And yet I can't help but smile everytime I speak to you. Ugh. Why am I so fond of you? 💀
I hope he is doing ok, haven't asked him much but he seemed all glooms lately. Whatever I'll try and cheer him up somehow. Or annoy him so either way he breaks out of the funk if he is in one. Better to be angry than sad anyday. 😬
You know. People play chess romantic styles and a lot of the time it can be edgy and thrilling and lovely. I play my life that way. And the losses are horrendous and have the potential to be devastating, but the wins are absolutely fucking legend too. Just gotta keep playing until the final win comes about, I guess. What else is there to do anyway?
Oh man. I saw this reel on insta and damn. So many emotions zomg. There's something so pure about babies. Man, I hope whoever I end up with loves me and cares for me, cuz I won't bring one into this world if I can't give him or her a happy home. Sometimes I do wonder if life would be simpler if I didn't have these many thoughts about this stuff. Idk. I see so many people just either making do or kinda floating along, but I just don't know how they do it. The ability to convince yourself that something is just good enough is a superpower. But then again, maybe from their perspective it is what they wanted. Idk.
Stuff like this reel just gives me so much perspective. Even if it's fleeting. But there's a sense of groundedness in it and reality and I guess I just feel like longevity is only to be found in genuineness. It's also the reason why I'm so careful and only holding out for what feels right. Plus, if someone can't treat me right, then they will never treat a kid right either. That hate text made me realise how much poison is there in this world, and how unprompted. I think that's why respect and care and gentleness towards women is important tbh. I don't think people realise that. That general softness that a guy can show towards a woman he is protective of. It's not cave manish, it's just providing something safe for her, for his family, like a cocoon. Keeping a woman miserable is not the way to go. And I don't want to live in anxiety ever. Doubting a partner or thinking oh what if they don't like me if I do xyz things etc. Like no man, I just can't live that way anymore, my mind just says no thanks. I want surety and assurance and mental peace when it comes to this. And even the woman keeping him miserable is a no no. I actually never think of that side of it cuz I default to thinking I'm very caring, so i e never thought of it as a possibility. But that's also not completely right, the other person has to feel cared for, I can't declare it by myself too.
I've done my rounds of dealing with bs, but doing so as a kid is fine, as an adult no thanks. Cuz I may not be overtly protective of myself, but there's no way a kid comes in harm's way in my vicinity. And I have to always remember that. Hmmm.
Always knew there was a reason I didn't buy into the apps of the world or go around having sex with random folks. Lots of women have even laughed at me for choosing to be this way cuz they think it's a bit non feminist maybe. Idk. I've never once used any, might be one of the few folks of my gen who hasn't. Parts of my life have been defined by being single, but I don't really regret that choice one bit. Rather have someone be nice to me genuinely than settle for bare minimum. I didn't learn to define what genuine looks like for a long time, so I guess I'm a slow learner when it comes to that but that's ok. Even sexually, I've always stayed with the ones I was in a relationship with and never strayed or been tempted to. That's how I know I'll also be able to hold a marriage together. I like that about myself, even if the world might think it's conservative asf. Idc, my life...I'll live it my way.
This little bit of softness and gentleness I sometimes feel, gives me a glimpse of a centre where I feel stable and it's like all the pettiness of the world just washes away, telling me that I'll be fine.
Oh man... Talked to S and meeting him finally on Monday. And going shopping for his fiance lmaoooo. Why are all my guy friends so clueless when it comes to shopping? I just love it. I can't believe he is getting married ffs my oldest buddy who I've seen wearing knee shorts in school and grown up with daaaayyum. Couldn't believe he still took one suit for his friends wedding and then just changed the shirt inside like wtfff hahahah no change from when we were kids to now. I'm so happy, meeting after so damn long!! Hope he cries tears of joy on seeing me while I laugh stoically! 💃😈
Hmmm. What am I missing in this? I checked all the online tools and they are more or less variants of the same thing. Dunno how many people even use them or how frequently. Man, I have zero data on anything. Still, I find this so fascinating. I'm pretty sure there has to be some very basic ways to learn that I am not aware of at the moment. Quite an abstract issue to actually think about huh? Let me see. As I play more slow games, I'll try to pinpoint my thoughts and methods and see what I can understand from them
Playing today gave me a sense of niceness. And I think it's time I started to take steps to build the life I want, one that is meaningful to me.
So keep your head down, use your time wisely, work on your manuscript, do some good work, get fitter and eventually trust that things will work out the way that you want them to. At the end of the day, you can still be happy that you never diluted your ethos, did what's right and there's no shame in putting your own self first. A year from now, here's hoping I'm well and truly happy with the balance that I'm trying to achieve in my life. Not a lot I want, but I do want to be relentless in chasing my goals without fear. Everything else will just become background noise one way or another once the focus is set. Plus what's good and meant to stay in your life will figure itself out. Even when it comes to people, eventually it just comes down to them also making the right sort of effort for me, so whatever they choose, let them do it freely and accept whatever choice they make. Not going to try and make them do one thing or another. Wish there was one thing I could tell M though. He once said I met him at his work and that matters. But I never mentioned that meeting him at work doesn't change the fact that I'm a good person and I've always been loving and loyal from the time I've met him till now and that will never change. That's not a fact that should be overlooked either imo, but in his words, it is what it is. It's not a pleasant experience for me to be treated like I'm untrustworthy, and that is what it boils down to eventually when someone keeps so many barriers in place. When you do your best and in turn people look at you with skepticism, it's hurtful. All those folks who get wrongly accused of cheating would understand that. Having said that, I am his friend, and will continue to be, and that fact has to be balanced with my life goals too. So I guess it's okay. If we are meant to play a role in each others' lives, we will find a way to, in whatever capacity that suits us. But I will not hammer at a door that's shut in my face any longer or stress him or myself out. I guess that's fair. And be nice to him, don't punish him for wanting to protect it. He has had an uphill journey when it comes to his profession and might have dealt with stuff you can't even imagine. So if he has finally found his niche and come into his own, then you can't blame him for wanting to protect what's his. Be supportive and like him for who he is. Not a lot of good folks around, so when you find one, just be accepting of what they choose for themselves. It's the right thing to do. And you are nice too, and you deserve to be - at the very least - around people who see that in you and make you feel welcome.
And do your best for yourself too P. Life is good, lets make it better. Start today and let's goooo! ♥️
Anyway, glad that's sorted in my mind now. Can be happy and free and normal.
Also played some user called TheUnknownRussian yesterday who seemed as if he was titled cuz he destroyed me and later was on lichess tv playing a GM. What a rush!
Oh god now I'm again getting the urge to play more rapid ffs someone stop meeeeee.
Hmmm. Played a 15+10 today. It was interesting. Tried my hardest to calc for opponent s moves and I think I was atleast thinking of variations for 75% of the time. I'm determined to get this right tbh. Idc how many games I lose, I want that visualisation to become innate. I think playing this on a board is what might help though. I remember even playing chessle and that helped me lots. Maybe I should go back to trying that out again too. Lmc. There has to be a way to solve this.
Edit:
Okay played another and held the concentration for ever. This was good. Although the pressure got to the opponent more than anything else. And I did miss one check by the opponent cuz didn't take enough time. Hmmm. I don't want games to be about winning, I want to define it more as set goals and see if I get them right.
You know? I really really think that for adult improvers there haaaaas to be some form of training tool that can do the job. There just has to be. I haven't figured it out yet, but let me jot my thoughts down and see if there is something here. I really feel like there might be.
Hmmm. What kind of data could I even use here? Interesting. I just knooooow there is a basic level solution that can be designed here. If avg people can run marathons then people can atleast improve till 2200 rating starting from scratch. 💀
I am really enjoying this though. Genuinely lovely to think, it's great.
Edit2: okay I played another holy fuck that was fun and so addictive. Dayum. Loved it. Missed some v basic stuff but I'm guessing it's cuz I'm slow rn. Wowz I can't wait until this becomes a habit imma have so much fun playing then. Love itttt
Texted M a lil bit. All I wanted to do was have a nice friendly convo. That's it. Instead I just want to rant atm. Lol. This man has a special talent in that I straight up just get wild when he says something that I perceive in a diff way than he intends. And in the moment even I instinctually react and later on think and realise ok this is what he probably meant.
Felt like he is soooo skeptical of me even now. I am sometimes at a loss as to what to even say to him cuz it feels like everything has to be censored. And I just haaaatte it when someone treats me like I'm untrustworthy. I hate it from the bottom of my heart like. Esp someone who has known me for so long and someone who I've always watched out for. Does he think I don't have enough intelligence to discern between what needs to be private and what doesn't? Worst part is, literally one person in my life even knows that I know him. Just the one. Who doesn't understand or give a shit about chess. What's irritating is... People in this world keep accusing each other of cheating and being nasty and petty all the fucking time. And imagine having someone do that to you and then treating someone else the same way. It's just so.... Idk like... Insulting, you know. I just recoil at the thought that someone thinks they need to be wary of me or what they say to me. All my life I've been looking out for and been protective of others and to have someone question my character like that is one thing I find very intolerable. Noone who has ever met me has ever questioned my integrity. They may have hated my bluntness, my tendency to say cutting things at times and thought of me as insensitive, sure. But integrity isn't something that has ever been in doubt. And there's a reason for it. Ugh. I'm pretty sure none of this is actually the way I'm seeing it, but I am annoyed that he doesn't trust me. Actually I'm certain he does trust me but is still guarding stuff on principle. And that I hate more lol.
Anyway, blah. Ranted it out, so I can be normal. I have to remind myself that their boundaries are theirs to keep and not for me to flout. And I'm not some beggar who is going to go crawling around asking for trust if they choose not to, like no way. Make that decision on your own or don't. I'll be fine either way. And I will move on in my life and find ones who do as well. No harm, no foul.
That's the thing about life isn't it? Eventually it becomes a stack of actions and actions have consequences and while it might seem big in the moment, time passes, things move and one day you'll either be close to each other or like complete strangers. I want more in life... I want to have genuine connections, and not be constantly unsure of where I stand or have this horrible feeling of always knocking on a shut door that may open a tiny bit one day and may not open at all the next. Plus whatever man... these things should be open hearted and sweet not feel like some uphill task. Noone is immune to the passage of time, and I've observed life enough to know that the grass is always green where you water it.
Why am I not able to sleep :(
Just feeling weird and anxious about nothing, and vv distracted. Suddenly my attention span is at an all time low. Stupid late evening workouts also put a spanner in the works. Really need to sleep better.
Also ffs gotta quit this stupid 3+0 what a joke I've wasted half my life on it fuck it
Tolstoy, you el supremo! I fangirl dosto but my god your writing skills just blow me away. What a phenom this book is. I cannot ever delve into current fiction cuz people like you have simply set such a standard for amazing writing.
Russian authors are simply a class apart.
Did a lot of thinking this week. Was totally away from everything and everyone. Some pic of J has pooped up on my time line and poop is right. That guy really pushed the trajectory of my life into a weird direction. But what felt wrong then feels right now. He wasn't the right one, he was just a glimpse into a future that could be nice, but he wasn't the right person to carry that out. So I'm glad it ended and I'm glad I had the strength to move on. I loved you though, and in you there was a glimpse of forever after that I cherish, because something I want for myself. I will never think of you again though. I haven't missed you all these years and looking at your pic did nothing either. Just told me how the only thing that didn't fit in the idea of forever was you. Screwing someone over is not in my dna, and it will not be a part of anyone I choose either, of that I'm sure.
Goodbye, flipping you off one last time for good measure lol.
Youth and long hair is all I miss from this pic zomg. My haircut now is soooo bad and short 😔☠️
And then slowly I was thinking about M and why he has meant so much to me all this while. I think it's cuz knowing him finally showed me that there can be people who have similar values to mine, that they can be strong headed and willful and caring at the same time. Cuz he is all of those things. As frustrating as his behaviour can get at times, he does embody a lot of traits that even I possess and value. And his strength is what I find so appealing as well as his vulnerable side. The dichotomy of that makes me feel kinda protective of him, but also not in a way which is bad. I guess that's why it bothers me when he is aloof and gets into these weird modes. At the very least, I sense that we can be very good friends, ones who have each others' backs. But lord knows he needs to decide to actually lean into that the right way. Plus I don't want to be the kind that in turn gets aloof if I feel paranoid and then be distant, it's not fair to him. Ugh. Randomly these problems exist due to miscommunication. Idk man, I think it's time he started being a bit more open and trusting of me. I can't make him, but I won't wait forever either. Let's not be in limbo for the rest of our lives. All he needs to do is say hi and be steady. I don't think it's the end of the world but I do think I'm a good friend and a good person and it's time he recognised that too. After seeing the kinda shit a lot of other folks do, I can actually safely say I'm a lot better than a whole bunch. So some basic reciprocity I deserve, and will not compromise on. Plus consideration towards me cannot be off the table and after this long of knowing each other, he should feel atleast entitled enough to ask me what's been up with me if I haven't said anything either. He has that right, he should know that by now. Ugh. So much I would like to say but I have no clue how so here's hoping he figures it out for himself. Lol. I can't keep second guessing stuff and he can't expect me to take everything on blind faith either. Anyway, blah. Teething pains, they'll solve themselves. Whatever, love you lots M, please do what feels right to you, I would love to be there for you, but you have to ask me to as well not just expect me to always. Still, it's your life and I don't believe in caging people so whatever suits you, I'll let you be. Whenever this silence breaks between us, I'll be there, no worries. Till then, I guess I'll just miss you a tiny bit <3
Having said that, I am more or less happy now, and smiling. Imma smile lots more from now, look so tired and drained here BUT IMMA SMILE FROM NOW
I don't understand people. I just don't. Straight up do not. And lately it's started to feel like it's kinda pointless to even try.
In the midst of all this, I discovered that someone I used to be friends with is obsessively prying into my life even now. Like what the fuck dude. After all this time has passed!! Not only is this behaviour unhinged asf, it's also so damn intrusive!
I feel extremely violated and so utterly repulsed. Fuck. I don't even know what to say like to do this behind someone's back and with such terrifying frequency?! After all the nasty stuff he said to me! I should give up on being nice to people, they don't deserve it and this behaviour is just appalling. I'm genuinely just shocked and I find it unforgivable. Just wish he would move on with his life and leave me the fuck alone.
I tried. Didn't quite succeed. But still
Yesterday I went for a drive. It was getting dark, very cloudy and then started to pour. Took the wrong turn and drove city side for a bit then had to turn around. Decided to take the toll road and go to the outskirts. Felt a bit tired and contemplated coming back home but then pushed through. Turns out the tollway for coming back was clogged with traffic and my mind was like oh boy no way. So kept driving ahead just so I could avoid coming back too soon and it was just absolutely beautiful on the highway. Low hanging clouds, little dark but not too much. The semi hilly landscape always makes it feel like the sky has come on down to visit me. I love the expansiveness. Drove on for a bit and then came back around. This time the tollway was free, the traffic was gone.
Sometimes in life it feels like a perceived setback might just be a slight delay but when you come back around, things would be okay.
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Finally found something decent on an insta reel. Of a dog no less.
I am incredibly, profoundly, completely, utterly, devastatingly, dramatically, and all other I don't even know what these words are called ly sad tonight.
Just sad. I don't know what to do and I can't stop crying. Been ages since I felt this way and this sad.
For once, can't the sun shine on its own without me having to just work for it? Even for the littlest thing. I'm just so so so so so tired. Fuck. I'll pick myself up tomo, but tonight I just want to cry as much as I want to.
God I'm just gonna have such puffy eyes tomo.
Edit: played bullet instead lol. Feels better.
Played a long game and missed mate in one again. By move ten I was so excited that I just started playing fast as usual. Fuck my life. Won the game but made the stupidest mistakes ever and I hate myself rn. Feels like ass.
What I truly hate about this isn't that the opponent played better than me. I love when they play well and I don't mind losing those. It's that I was playing garbage. I hate winning when I play garbage.
And wtf dude. Either I'm excited to play cuz it looks like a cool position or I'm nervous. Both suck cuz I need to be calm and I'm not.
Chess I love you but I fucking hate you too.
Edit: lost another winning game ofc, but fair and square. Suck it.
You were so pretty my peace lily!
The weather's kinda cold and rainy rn. Feels gloomy. I felt like sketching tonight but just feeling so blah. Man, I haven't gone out in a while. This whole week was just busy with parents and running around getting them stuff or making food etc. Time just flew, barely had a moment to myself. Showed dad a bit of M's show it was so cute he just didn't get twitch at all. His flight takes off soon, bit worried about how the winter season will be in Leh. Half my life just goes in worrying about someone or the other. Lol. I randomly asked M about Di today. Didn't elaborate but just asked what he would do if his friends were doing stupid shit. He was also in two minds about it I think. Hmmm. I wanted his opinion cuz I think we have similar values and outlook, so it's good to get a perspective. He didn't say much though. Meh. Dunno what to do. I also noticed today that one of the dudes on his stream randomly talks to me like he knows me well. I had spoken to him agggees ago when I thought he was benign but cut it out when he started trying to flirt. And now I limit the convo to just the show but even so he kinda makes it seem as if we are a bit too familiar at times. Found it a bit odd. But meh, probably just acting cool or something. I've gotten kinda wary of internet folks in general now. Even the other day when that other guy got hammered and started getting borderline abusive to M. That was such a shocker to me. I thought he was quite nice and chill till then. Like anonymous folks being dicks is something I've seen before, but for regulars to openly be this nutty is very, very surprising. Quite crazy. I don't think I'd be able to handle stuff like this ever. In all this, I actually feel like M's friend is the only one who would be decent and never cross lines even though currently banging someone's wife lmao. He has never misbehaved with me. I've just spoken to him maybe twice but my sense was that he is very much like a child and won't do shit if you straight up tell him not to. Oddly, I trust that about him.
Man, people just fascinate me. This is why I never judge anyone outright. I feel like the ones who seem really nuts are often decent and the ones who act normal can be quite crazy underneath. I guess a lot of the genuine toxic folks learn early to wear these facades. Those are the actual scary ones, the ones being deliberately manipulative. I don't think I've come across too many edge cases in my life but sometimes I wonder if it's because people need anonymity to be that way. Idk. Guess it's better to just be cautious all round.
Played my one long game for today. Man it's so nerve wracking. In the analysis I saw a bunch of moves that I had considered and yet was so nervous I didn't play them. Wtf. So weird to feel this pressure it just comes in the way of thinking and I tend to then just blitz out moves cuz I'm scared I'll make a mistake. Had a mate in one or take the queen but just missed that even though I was trying to set it up. Sheesh. Half of chess is just psychological at any point. Interesting how opponents also make mistakes under pressure so at times it's more of a who cracks first kinda thing too. But I don't want that, I want to know how to calculate and do it right. It isn't even that tough to calc 4 moves deep it's just a weird fear of making a mistake that stops me ugh what in the fucked upness. Battling my own mind instead of the opponent most times. I can que sera sera life but chess I want to mamba. Think I also need to tell myself some pointers before I play any game so I can keep reaffirming what I'm looking to get out of it. A warm up ritual of sorts. Will try again tomo.
This version man omg. Make me fall in love over and over and over again. Break my heart and I won't complain.
Fuck, every single note just stabs me with its beauty. The pitch he starts at right at the beginning, just knew from the first sound it's going to be special.
Remember the first time I came across it, almost a year ago, and my mind was instantly like howww do you know it, who areee you? Lol. There's so much beauty in your soul, M. That's the thing about music, it gives an instant window into someone's heart. I was just stunned. In a far corner of the world, one I had never thought about, is a person that has existed for so long, doing his thing - living, laughing, playing, getting angry, being patient, being impulsive, being cheeky, being sweet to people when they don't know it (which I'm 80% sure is your MO), going to fucking Gibraltar and playing tennis with a kid on a random eve, then hiding it for years lol and a chance circumstance made that path cross so randomly. Odds were in favour and I'm glad they were.
I play my life by instincts and it was actually this song that told me it's okay to trust you tbh. No platitudes, no observations of traits, just this. You made me want to trust someone new for the first time in years. I've never asked you for anything, I never know how to ask anyone for anything I suppose, but two songs I take from you, and in them find so much love. Thank you. ♥️🙃
How can anyone come across you and not just love you? Simply not possible. I won't ask you questions that you don't bring up yourself or aren't willing to tell me. It's up to you how much you want to include me in your life but I have to say... you have noooo clue how special you are. None!
Looks like I'm going to hear this on repeat.
Damn it's making me a lil teary and I don't want to know why.
Had this sudden thought that our man is hitting on someone. Idk where it came from but it just occured to me. Dayum. Just hit me like a bolt out of the blue.
Am I just very naive? At times I really don't know. :(
Fuck, I just like him so damn much. Oh man. I just can't help liking him either idk why. :( okay, I know why. Lol. Cuz he is honestly one of the most precious people I've had the privilege of coming across and just so gosh darn adorable to boot. Outside of my fam, there's maybe a handful of people in this world that genuinely matter to me, and he is one of them. 💀
Knew this the day I realised I wouldn't want Di to be privvy to my thoughts even though we are friends but I would love for him to know them. Weird, but he makes me want to share stuff with him.
Boy oh boy oh boy. The possessiveness I feel at times is unreal, isn't it? Lol. Man, you really are an Achilles heel for me, well and truly. Hmmm. But I'm very certain he also has a very dominant and possessive side to him, so atleast he might understand me having one too. I'm not dominating, probably more submissive but bigtime possessive I be for sure. I hate showing this side of me to anyone, it's the one thing I guard like crazy. Very few people would actually know this, even my closest friends haven't really witnessed it tbh.
Okay, let me just get some work done and distract.
Edit: whew! Idk what had gotten into me suddenly. Djokovic has mamba mentality and I have made myself adopt Que Sera Sera. 😅
Edit 2: if I had to be honest, I think I'm just afraid of losing this equation at times. That's why I suddenly overreact when I feel like he is aloof etc. Ugh and I haaaaate aloofness I hate it. Fuck man, whenever someone is precious, so much fear can suddenly just creep in. For no rhyme or reason at times too. I really hate fluctuations and in general the idea of someone suddenly not being there freaks me out. Like I can take meg, raves, stonu - everyone for granted that way, I just know they'll always be there. Aloofness doesn't bother me with them cuz I know them all so well. I want the same here. A couple of days of non communication shouldn't change that at all. But it isn't anyone's fault I feel this way and I need to work on it and make sure it never impacts anyone else negatively. Sheesh, just had a random moment, didn't I? Haha. Hope a day comes where I can just freely declare that he can take me for granted and let me do the same too. One lives in childish hope 🙃Anyway, from my side atleast I'll try to ensure stability. I'd hate for anyone else to feel like I might dip on them randomly, when it's literally the exact opposite of what I want.
Okay, I'll just read something and chill and spend time with dad for a bit before he leaves.
Somedays a simple song does it
I just like it when the lyrics are hopeful and about taking a leap. I've always believed the point you stop at, is the point you settle for. And something about songs of hope just tell me that it's okay to take a break but don't stop that journey. Keep looking for what you seek.
Reminds me of that last line from Ulysses that I once wanted to get tattooed. Sense prevailed and I didn't, but I love that line so much
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
Byron may be a romantic, but Tennyson over Byron, anyday.
Okay I just asked what I'd been meaning to. Let's see what he says. Man, I find it so tough sometimes to word what I mean. Hopefully he understands and can help fix it. Should be okay. Ugh, I just want him to be more open and forthcoming man. That's literally it! So tough to tell him that without sounding strange. How am I so bad even now at expressing anything?! For once, please just take the lead and just understand how I feel and just fix it for me without me having to vocalise it 😭. Plus I just don't getttt why he gets so silent about some stuff I never understood it before and I don't now. I legit have no frame of reference for what it might be and I'm sure he isn't mad or anything so I simply don't understaaaaand.
Lol, for someone whose job includes communicating, he can be sooooo uncommunicative when he wishes to be lol. Crazy person. And I just turn into a clumsy weirdo in turn, and that is not helpful I'm sure. Ye gadsssss!
Meh, I suppose it just means underneath everything I just care a shit ton about him, so I want things to be great all of the time and it bothers me if I feel like something might not be. Probably quite irrational to think that but I also can't seem to help it from time to time. But he will get it, I'm sure. Thank god
Man, I've become like those women who want to say one thing but have a deeper underlying reason to and then will just get all emotional to boot. Never in my life did I think I'll be so cliche but I find myself exhibiting very traditional gender roles when it comes to him, right down to expecting him to be the man and take charge and generally keep order and rationality when I feel like this 💀. He draws out my femininity in full force and I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH IT NOW LIKE A CLICHE WOMAN I WANT TO WHINE IN FRONT OF HIM AND JUST HAVE HIM BABY ME TILL I FEEL NICE, AND IT'S NOT EVEN THAT I WANT TO CRY I JUST WANT THAT NICENESS THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE OVARIES HOW MOCKED.
Ok he handled it lol. Just a bit of reassurance and then I feel fine and the sun shines. Think I was just missing him this week cuz barely spoke. Hehe, I'm happy again. 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬
Waiting for the match to start even though I finally feel super sleepy at the right time and this italian music is making me feel ever so slightly upbeat. "Merry" is the best way to describe all the music I heard today.
I truly don't know what the future hold. All I know is that I want it to be sweet and nice, like this Tuscany music. The other day when I was asking M to say something positive about himself, I later realised that while he finds it tough to do so, I find it tough to do that for myself too. And while it was so easy for me to see how adorable he used to be - while he nitpicked the fuck out of himself - maybe I'm doing the same to myself by being constantly critical of myself too. I need to learn to create that friendly niceness towards myself too, just as I wish he would for himself.
So here goes one nice thing I will say about me - once I make up my mind to do something, no matter the fears I have, I strive to do it and I am relentless on the follow through. And I need to commend myself on some progress I sense I have made this year. I'm actually at a point where a lot of my fears have kinda subsided. I'm not sure when I turned the corner on this one, I think it happened gradually. It's a strange new normal for me, and fairly nascent. Not because I am comfortable being by myself, which I am, but because I made up my mind that I'm not going to be in any equation where I feel alone or sharing my thoughts and feelings is something I fear to do cuz it'll be dismissed. And if someone does try that, I wouldn't find it crippling; but rather I will see it as the red flag it is. Took me a long time but I eventually internalised the fact that people you need to keep close and safe with you are ones who do the same for you. Which is a good start at the very least. And you don't have to be perfect, never ever. Nor do I need anyone else to be, just need them to have a good heart and genuine goodwill. Anyone who has that, will be decent and do right by you and everyone else they know. I actually mean that. I don't give a hoot about someone appearing perfect, I'd rather they be real and vulnerable and trust me enough to show me their unvarnished selves.
And speaking of, omgomgomg I haven't spammed this boy as much as I usually do this week!! Been so busy with folks and the unending errand running I had to do. I'm slipping 😭. Plus he has gotten all nice and calm and zen these days. Total sweetheart he is. But wait I'll go do it rn, just to make some noise for effect.
Edit: Done, hollered at him to wake up to watch the match. Sometimes I just enjoy bothering him lots, I don't even know why. I literally don't do this to anyone else but with him I feel like some kid that's like " gimme attention nowww ". I'm not even ashamed, I have this godawful grin on my face even at the thought of sending random nonsense, it makes me v happy. Just as much as turning myself into a burrito and cuddling inside my blanket does.
Omg played long game finally, two pieces down, still managed to equalise then missed mate in two holy fuck hahahhah. I need to play slower but this was SO FUN! FUUUUCK.
It's some weird psychology but being a piece down really makes me concentrate hard and actually think as opposed to be lazy. Shouldn't be using that as a crutch though. Okay and my goal here is to just slowly think 4 moves deep before I play each move. I need to train myself to do that so it becomes a habit.
Also, random Italian music is my chess music omgggg. Yessss. It's just the right tempo and sweetness without making me want to run up a hill. ♥️
Edit: okay played another. Was so fun. Got a decent position then idk lost concentration and lost the game but it was really engaging. Think I'm gonna stop at Max 3 long games. And I haaave to start having less time than the time I start with 💀. Goal 2! Lol. Woohoo!
Edit2: Fuck it, seems like I can't stop at only 3 so might as well just commit to playing 15+10 now on. 💀
I feel like I'm still really bad with communicating tiny things I find bothersome. Like I have something to share that has been nagging at me for a while but I just don't know how to say it and I don't want it to build up to something huge in my head cuz it's not supposed to be so extreme. But why do I not know how to do it lol? Guess I don't have the words to articulate it. And yet if I don't, it'll just build up in my head too, or I'll just feel bad and then want to detach and stop caring. Those can't be the only options though, I don't want to be extreme or overly emotional like that. And I'm not, I'm just idk. It's just this one tinnnny thing if it is fixed, I'll just be so happy and I won't have to wonder silly stuff. Ugh. Why can't people just get what's on my mind, life would be so easy for me if they did. 💀
Took folks out to lunch today. It was nice. Both getting along and no bickering or repeat convos. So much of life can just pass by in the same set of conversations with people at times, doesn't it? This whole growth and progressive mindset thing is quite important even for day to day living. I've seen people be so critical of themselves and others so many times and it always struck me as stifling and limiting. Esp as some folks are constantly trying to pull others down. I guess that's why the phrase is "have the courage to try new things". You should not need courage to do so, but when stuck in limitations that become self imposed, it needs courage to push through that mindset. How sad huh?
Oh well. It's nice to have dad around after such a long time. He can be so sweet and loving, not to mention is probably the most generous person I've known in my life. I love you, papa! Sooo much! And as usual, we shall not say the words but shake hands like colleagues. Stoic Indian men, amirite? 🤣
One thing that registers in my mind repeatedly. It's a small thing, and yet it never gets done the only times I actually need it. I don't get why it's so impossible. I legit don't.
Something about being in bed at 2 am and listening to Kandaiki is so transportive. It's nice how parts of the day can be sliced into active and passive moments. I like both. And something about pulling back into yourself with music to accompany you in the stillness is one of my fav bits.
Now I feel like sketching again tbh. Why am I suddenly so into it? I used to do it more as a peace out thing before but lately I feel like I want to get better and better and make something that takes a lot of effort. Lol, making hobbies competitive, and yet I don't mind that.
Ooo, Ocean in a Drop by GoGo Penguin is good too. I can't wait for this band to blow up, they are absolutely phenomenal.
Started listening to them at the beginning of the year, and they don't disappoint. Side note: what a crazy beautiful year this has been. So significant. The year I finally decided to love myself. Heh. Took me long enough. I have a feeling 2024 is going to turn out great.
Also, does Djoko win? Zomg can't wait to find out. What a guy! Heart's with FedEx forever but man, do I respect Djoko or what. Salud! Still, will root for Sinner to take the whole thing, the guy is a bit overlooked compared to Alcaraz but I like him. Ugh, but he plays Meddy so idk. So confused lol. Who wins?! Me, the viewer. I do. Safe bet.
And Boreal Forest. Ooh. Think I'll just read for a bit and sleep. Unless I decide to answer the siren call of midnight chess, you are the bane of my existence. I love you so! Goodnight, world! 😴
Had some random ass person on my chess group make a case for piracy like wtf. First time in ages I actually lost my temper for a bit and engaged on this topic. And it's so irritating when people adopt that MBA GD style way of talking like as if the points they are making aren't just horseshit, but something very worldly and wise and worth considering. 💀
And the worst part of this entire useless discussion was him later saying he is an author. At that point I wanted to cry. Like seriously. Lol, it's so hard to not be snarky and say all those cutting things that come to my mind. Vv tough to be polite at times.
Speaking of chess, it seems I spend a good 2-2.5 hours a day playing stupid 3+0 so I think I need to divert that into atleast playing one or two longer games and get in that habit. Been saying it forever, but haven't yet actually gotten into the habit and it's stupid not to. Lmc if I need to just schedule it for a set time or if I can manage to start my day with coffee and chess instead of coffee and 3+0. Or play while using the bike. Either way, atleast one long game a day and at night I can look up older games, I was having fun doing that anyway. Ugh. So easy to slip out of schedules sometimes. Sheesh.
GET BACK ON THE HORSE AND STOP SLIPPING
I guess this one just stays here. Lol, I can't believe I am refusing to publicly post this but just feels weird to do so. But really liked making it, there's so many shadows and angles you need to consider even for something so simple. Took longer than I thought tbh.
Really enjoying adding details though, it's actually quite fun to make one thing slowly. Used a pencil so got a bit smudgy but whatever can't help it now.
That thing about how people make you feel being your predominant association with them is actually so true. Lately, I've given up on any and all expectations from people. But I do feel like how someone treats you always registers and either makes you fond of them or alienates them from you. For me, the process is gradual, but once a certain threshold is crossed, I either really like them or don't find it easy to go back to them. In case of the latter, I don't even think it's the people you want to go away from, it's that feeling of shittiness within you they evoke that you don't want to feel. And it's easy to say things like " you should not feel this way or that way " but in the end you do, and instead of invalidating it, people should learn to hold that with gentleness and meet you halfway. It's a thing I've started noticing a lot more. Who chooses to prioritise me v who doesn't. And that's a bare minimum to have a healthy equation with someone, isn't it? And I do find it hard now to be fond of those who don't.
Conversely, I'm also very prone to caring about ones who do make me feel nice and I have a lot of affection and loyalty stored up for the ones that are genuine and warm to me. Not people just being nice cuz they want something, but ones who make the right kind of effort. It's easy to spot cuz only the well meaning ones will actually showcase those little things that matter. Checking up on you for you etc. And I never have to second guess them cuz they work to build that foundation of steadiness so I feel secure by default. I love that. I noticed that in my friends as well, they all make time for me I guess the solid, upstanding kinda folks do this cuz it's in their nature to, you don't have to ask them, or have to second guess anything about them. I'd like to think I do the same for people too. Atleast on balance, I hope people I care about know it and I bring positivity into their lives as well. Not a lot I want from folks, but this steadiness and security is something I can't do without and I'll make sure people around me experience it from my side too. ♥️
One of my dads' friends is home for lunch. Man, so many people try to use my dad for favours fuck. Literally all his friends are folks who just swarm him the minute he is in town just so they can get stuff from him. Yuck. Makes me so sick.
Then I have to remind myself that how you make someone feel is how they remember you, and it's not nice to be rude to someone just cuz you don't like them. But man, it's tough sometimes. Plus if dad is okay with them, then I can't particularly say anything, not my place to.
BUT
I hate having to be nice to these fuckers yuck. Lol, I did not inherit even 1% of my grandads' political genes. I simply cannot force my face to smile or look pleasant when encountered with things I find annoying. 💀 Just hate all this simpery and ingratiating behaviour from the bottom of my heart. And tomo I might have to drive them to meet that other friend of his too ugh. I think I'm just gonna get out of it somehow.
Was trying to understand why I hated that conversation last night and had such a bad reaction to it. I think it's the underlying deception of it all.
For as long as I've known her, I've heard her say these negative things about others. Like my brother's relationship when they were long distance. Straight up having a negative take on it cuz her own relationship didn't work. Assuming that meg and I would have conflict cuz every friendship has conflict. Telling me I won't find what I want in a partner so I need to have low expectations.
All of this just boils down to her not being happy with her life choices and trying to make herself feel better by assuming other people are in the same situ. Like the misery loves company thing. And I hate it. I hate that mentality, that negativity, that meanness and bitterness. And I feel like protecting myself and my friends + fam from this mindset. And the part that's so unreal and deceptive to me is how she is ruining a perfectly nice guy's life by constantly being miserable yet being married to him. He has always been so nice and caring and even went for therapy to fix stuff and dealt with her anger issues and what not. I guess I notice his contributions cuz I've never really had someone make an effort for me so it strikes me easily. He even waited for more than a year to have her say yes to marriage. Fuck man. Like I'm sorry but not everyone has problems all the time and they don't need to open relationships to make it positive. In fact, right after you'll realise it wasn't the solution and then you are left holding a bag of shit. And I'm sure if she finds people genuinely happy, it'll only make her more miserable cuz then it'll just show that oh it's actually possible to have something good in life.
Whatever. I don't want to think of this again.
Hmmm. I don't know if I will be able to continue this friendship in the long term.
Wow Di is planning a baby wuuuut. Damn man. So many things you need to think and plan for it. Crazy. Talking about stress management and taking vitamins and such.
Edit: oh wow and spoke to her and she says she might be ok with an open relationship now. What in the world is happening to people I know? Wtf dude. Reasoning being that if both you and your partner are depressed then you need to bring in something positive sometimes.
I cannot compute this.
I don't have the heart to even say what I feel to her tbh. I just don't think she likes her husband. I remember her saying she didn't find all that she wanted. Man, idk. I hate to say this cuz she is my friend but I feel like she is extremely selfish at times. Everything she says and does is all based in her own self interest. Even texting me at 2 am asking me if I'm up and wanting to call me that time if I am. Like, you can't take me for granted to that extent too.
Sometimes people just make me sad, they really do man. And all these choices at some point are bound to catch up with you and when they do, I have no idea how you all will cope.
The thing I genuinely hate about all this is - how can you want to bring a child into this? I don't get how that works. Planning a baby should be a happy thing, with lots of love for the kid, for yourself, for your partner.
I legit feel sad hearing that and hmmm. I don't think I'll carry forward friendships if people become this way. I don't want stuff like this to be a part of my life. I've always kept Di at an arm's length, cuz I sensed that tendency in her to be selfish and I didn't want to be used. I don't really share much of my own life with her. But it won't work for me if she starts going down this road cuz it's simply not the kind of lifestyle I can be around. :(
I also feel sorry for her partner. I just don't think she has ever been in love with him. From what I've heard it seems like he does a lot for her, and shows so much care and concern. All those little things like making food, taking care of her when sick etc. If all that also isn't enough, then what is? Poor dude man. Sometimes guys just get so fucked over, don't they? :( He will just be like a sitting duck in this. Noone deserves this.
Shit. Something inside me just feels like it's shrivelling up. Not sure why it impacts me so much but it's like a friend who had everything going for them, just decides to make crap choices one after the other and there's nothing you can do to stop them. And they insist on drowning everyone else around them too.
Ehhhhh. I'm just fed up man. Fed up of her and this constant fucking whine about everything it's just unending. I don't want to deal. Was having a nice quiet evening to myself, should have just continued. Mood kharab kar dia mera pura.
Need to distract myself now.
Think I'll just play some chess. Fuck it, I'm gonna degen bullet.
My dad is so incredibly stubborn dayum. Lol, it's just my fate that every man in my life has always, alwaaaays been like a stubborn mule lmao. Always dug in over some random thing for no reason that I can fathom except they just want to get their way. And like... I can just tell when they are about to get dug in, you can see it in that expression on their face! Haha
I love you all so damn much! ♥️
Hanging out with some lady friends tonight and getting made fun of for being a saint 💀. You know, I always assumed I'm very liberal and I stand by it, but how is it that so many women are into casual sex and I'm not? All the experimentations I did, was back when I was in my late teens to early 20s, but after that I've been very steady relationshipy more or less.
Lol, they are showing me dildos and asking me which I'll prefer and I'm reluctant to even answer this lmao. So many of them prefer asses. Interesting. I like hands and lips for some reason. Esp lips, something about sensual lips makes me want to just kiss. Like Benedict Cumberbatch's. Yum. The weird thing is, I don't think most of them are as sexual as they claim though. Like all of this seems like a lot of talk to me, but none of them strike me as particularly passionate. Idk, something about the extra talk seems like overcompensation at times with most people. Lol, can't really corroborate though.
Brooooo. Shit. Why can't I also do casual sex and grey areas? My life would have been so much simpler oops. I'm enjoying listening to them but I don't think I can do this myself, I just straight up start acting like a boy and acting like a bro to guys when they come on to me. How do so many women find it so easy? I always knew I was a one man woman, but never knew I'm this strangely conservative when it comes to my own self. Even in my slut phase my fling had turned into a relationship and then at some point he was opening up to me about his life and I was thinking but, but, but we are supposed to be unemotional, aren't we? 💀 And that I can be, for sure. But I feel I've gotten a lot more protective of myself in the last few years especially, this is what happens when you let your romantic side dommy you into wanting to hold hands lol. Which, let me be frank, I love love love to do haha. I won't bang you if I don't want to hold your hand and walk around with you as well. 💀
Someone pls make my life decisions.
💀💀💀💀
Realising now that I'm actually just meant to be a traditional wife of sorts. Oh boy. This is a fun realisation. The whole world is going women's lib and I want somewhat traditional gender roles. Wonderful. Anyway, true lib is being able to make any choice you want, not just ones that are popular. Plus it's just so nice when the man is the man in the relationship, takes the lead when required etc. And idk I'll make you soup when you are sick and generally fuss over you. And here's hoping we don't need a dildo to make me happy ⊙﹏⊙
Fuck, I'm feeling so shy rn. Gonna hide my face in my drink for a bit.
Listening to MJ - Lady in my life. First time I heard this one. The lyrics are so nice but I wonder if anyone actually feels this way anymore. It's just easy to have them in song, isn't it? It's just harder and harder to believe that guys out there can actually have these sentiments lol. Anyone would be willing to fuck you, but will someone want to make love to you? I learnt the difference very late, in retrospect I'm not sure if that does any good though, so I just don't think about it. Funny is life. Oh well, what can you do?
Float on, as Modest Mouse would say.
Practicality - where dreams go to die, and sarcasm - where you learn to cope. COPE!
Whatever, I wanna listen to rhythmic basslines now.
My go-to songs for when I'm feeling wired:
1. Running up that hill - Placebo
2. Honest mistakes - The Bravery.
Come on baby, come on come on darlin.
Hmmm. I think my fav Modest Mouse song is Gravity Rides Everything though. The mushy girl in me finds a friend in it. Songs of hope, sunsets and things being a-ok.
Toxic relationships. The root cause of trust issues and general terrors amirite? Hmmm. I've been in a couple, the first was just a fling of sorts so I didn't particularly chart that down as harmful to me cuz I simply didn't care, I was just interested in the here and now. I remember him waking me up at 4 am once, yelling at me. It was so disorienting. But luckily I was a very dense kinda person then so I didn't actually understand back then that it was going to escalate into an abusive cycle. Thankfully ended it before it got too crazy too. He used to keep threatening to break up over small things until I gave in to whatever he wanted so in the end I just said ok when he threatened me again. And that fuckwad then took back his words and said no we have come so far, we should give it another shot 💀. Man, was I stupid or what? You live, you learn.
The second one ... The less said the better. It didn't go the way I heard it described today though, the trajectory was v different. But I guess narcissistic toxicity is different from that kind. I think what set it apart was it wasn't abusive in the sense that someone was trying to hit me, it was unreal in a whole different way that I hadn't ever encountered. One of the worst things that ever happened to me, happened due to that dude, but it was his complete disinterest and lack of care that was truly horrifying. All that silent treatment when I did something he didn't like, even over something small. Dayum. I hated that so damn much. Like abusive people have that cycle of abuse then niceness to hook you, and they know what they did was wrong. But with this one he just denied the fact that what he did was wrong. I don't even know if anyone who hasn't dealt with it will understand, but it's like their mind is closed to the fact that they can cause harm. I still remember his words " you'll get used to it ". Even after me telling him about that night, he simply didn't think of me once or even compute that he should. Didn't call or talk the next day, just pretended like nothing happened. Dayum. And there were so many other instances where he simply didn't care about anyone, he always only thought about himself. What a trait. Indifference can be the biggest form of cruelty when applied to situations that are extreme. Plus I got into this as a rebound and I was so so so hurt and tired at the time that I simply couldn't bear to end it cuz I was so tired of losing people. I think the worst part of this is the fact that it made me stay with him for almost half a year more. It's weird but after having someone you loved completely break your heart and losing out on what you feel was the best thing to happen to you, and right after jumping into the worst that has happened to you is so unreal. That sense of home I had with J, it was the first time in my life I considered the idea of marriage and love that lasts. Only for it to get wrecked and replaced by that absolute nightmare of a person. I wanted to just fight with the universe at that time lmao. Man, I was childish and how. No wonder I simply shut down after that for a bunch of years. I really needed that time to steady myself and heal and become ok. Which I am now, thank fuck. Glad none of you all are a part of my life and I don't have to see any of you ever again. I haven't really thought about you guys but even thinking of you all rn doesn't really matter to me, it's all done and dusted.
But somehow, I never realised that there's a methodology to all this. Like wtf bro. And these boys seem to know the entire spectrum, right down to timelines. Dafaq have they all even dealt with? 💀💀💀
Blah, fuck it. Idgaf and I'm never going to about this shit ever again and hope they don't either. Not letting crap like this dictate my life again.
Don't make dumb choices henceforth, is all. 💪🏼
Wow, so I can play act the traditional, goody goody girl lmao. The number of oldies that seemed to be impressed hahah.
Meekly listening to instructions, offering snacks and doing as told and smiling lots. Such a woman I be. All while sneaking in chess.
Never have I ever acted so submissive.Well, maybe not never. 💀
And now time to drink a bit and dancing to Billy Joel. Dancing with myseeeelllff 💃
Dan da daaa
This is one of those songs you can close your eyes and just jump around to!
And dance till you are sweaty! 🥵
...will guide you home.
So much festivity all around. Diwali has that one benefit of being sparkly and beautiful. I like seeing kids enjoy the festival. I'm neither traditional nor would I consider myself particularly religious, but as I'm growing older, I'm seeing the beauty and value of preserving some form of culture, atleast for the kids. When we were growing up, it was so stifling to have people force you to bend the knee to the idea of religion that it was really hard to have an objective view of traditions. Most of us rebelled against the force. I guess for me, divinity is such a personal and private idea that I hated someone telling me it needs to be just so. And I never thought fear of punishment should be the reason why you act with honor. I think you should do it because it's the right thing to do, just so.
As a kid, I loved it when my granny used to tell me all these stories of gods and goddesses. I loved hearing about the triumph of good v evil. Loved greek and roman mythology a lot too, and then scandinavian myths. A large part of my moral compass and views were formed early on due to the stuff I read. And I think that's why it's important to give kids a foundation. I feel mythology plays a role in that, the storytelling is easy, kids get it and they imbibe a certain view which can help be a guiding light. I think the balance needed is to combine this with critical thinking and the need to ask questions, take nothing as is. I'd love to teach kids chess just for this. It has baked within its structure a lot of important skills that need mastering that can be applied elsewhere.
I don't like external rigidity and force in life, something that's very unique to asian culture I suppose. It's changing now but man, it boggles my mind how insanely fearful adults used to be and how they clung to random societal rules for no reason other than fear of others.
I hope when I have a family of my own, I can create a nice tidy unit where we are able to talk about everything, where we respect each other and are able to value whatever we all think and make room for our differences as well as similarities. As a teen, I spent a large amount of time wanting to stay away from home cuz it was so conflict ridden. I think it's one of the reasons I'm so possessive and protective of the idea of what's mine. All that garbage like open relationships or cheating or any of that absolute shite has no room in my world. Transparency, commitment and reciprocity are the cornerstones I want to build any future relationship on. As an adult, I want to ensure that within the bounds of my home there is peace, generosity and lots of love. A place people want to come back to, a place that has the feeling of warmth and baking bread and idk soft couches and a stellar music system lol. Yeah one of my vv few material wants is a good freaking sound system so I can listen to 80s music lots.
I used to think I'd love it if a kid of mine inherits my love of reading earlier on, but now I feel I'd have done my job if they value hardwork, generosity and know the absolute strength of kindness. That much would be enough.
Just a little bit more and it would have been perfect but I'm about to claw my hair out so I think this is the point I stop. But maybe I'll go back to it cuz it's gnawing at me like a giant bug.
I SHOULD HAVE JUST MADE FUCKING NUDES. ISTG HOW TF HAS A STRAWBERRY DRIVEN ME TO THE EDGE OF INSANITY MOTHERFUCKING STUPID BERRY
Dad's visiting after so, so damn long. Man, he looks older now than when I saw him last. I hope my parents finally just decide where they want to settle down and then proceed with it. It'll be a weight off my mind. I honestly just want them to live together peacefully and collaboratively, I hope it happens soon and they both can be happy.
Oiii. Saw that miniclip again it's so adorable. You are such a shy boy!! I always suspected that! Such a tough persona you have otherwise omg. Dayum. And now I get why you get miffed over things you are incredibly, crazily hard on yourself. Some ten flaws you found in something that was so benign. You dodo. I dote on you more than I have on anyone ever in my life. I used to wonder about that so much earlier. I generally downplay things so it's saying a lot that I'm so free and open about sharing all the good things I notice in you. But every part of me just wants you to know that I guess. I wonder sometimes if someone in your family was very hard on you growing up? My parents were, and it was a nightmare to say the least, so I would understand. Is family important to you? The idea of having one of your own? Sometimes I even wonder what your life has been like, what you faced. I'm sure some of it was devastating, makes me sad knowing that. The day you tell me, I'd know you trust me fully. Whatever it is, it'll be safe with me forever. I don't really guard myself at all, but I know your secrets are very precious to you, so I'll guard them for you. I have a feeling you know that about me now.
There is something that I would like to tell you, but I'm not sure how to phrase it to you. Hmm. Let me try and articulate. It's like... It's not the size of your accomplishments that's ever made a difference in my opinion of you, it's the person you are that always has. Even if you had absolutely no accomplishment, (a thought that must be blasphemous to you hahah, the very idea, amirite?) I'd like you just the same because who you are is what made it happen. Say you were at a point in life where you were starting out, I'd think you were just as great then as I do now. Like the younger you who you kept nitpicking, it's that person who had the strength to turn you into the you of today, isn't it? So what's not lovable about that? Young you was just as wonderful and instrumental in getting you here. People have this idea of perfection wherein they think everything has to be just so, but that's not correct. Perfection is more about realising the complexity of life and desires and accepting that while still trying your best. If that makes sense. Focusing on things that seem inadequate is the flawed perspective. Hmmm. But I don't think my words are doing justice to the thought in my mind so I'll let it be.
Whatever, fuck words.
If I just wrap you in a hug and tell you you are amazing, how long will it take before you actually believe me? I'd hug you as long as necessary though, so it's a moot question really. Actually maybe a little longer than that cuz you are very, very huggable to me.
Cheerio, darling! Onwards and upwards to better things and happier times!
Ooooo I thought of a nice question to ask you. Hahaha I'll stump you good with this one. Oh boy I can't wait!
