Waiting for the match to start even though I finally feel super sleepy at the right time and this italian music is making me feel ever so slightly upbeat. "Merry" is the best way to describe all the music I heard today.
I truly don't know what the future hold. All I know is that I want it to be sweet and nice, like this Tuscany music. The other day when I was asking M to say something positive about himself, I later realised that while he finds it tough to do so, I find it tough to do that for myself too. And while it was so easy for me to see how adorable he used to be - while he nitpicked the fuck out of himself - maybe I'm doing the same to myself by being constantly critical of myself too. I need to learn to create that friendly niceness towards myself too, just as I wish he would for himself.
So here goes one nice thing I will say about me - once I make up my mind to do something, no matter the fears I have, I strive to do it and I am relentless on the follow through. And I need to commend myself on some progress I sense I have made this year. I'm actually at a point where a lot of my fears have kinda subsided. I'm not sure when I turned the corner on this one, I think it happened gradually. It's a strange new normal for me, and fairly nascent. Not because I am comfortable being by myself, which I am, but because I made up my mind that I'm not going to be in any equation where I feel alone or sharing my thoughts and feelings is something I fear to do cuz it'll be dismissed. And if someone does try that, I wouldn't find it crippling; but rather I will see it as the red flag it is. Took me a long time but I eventually internalised the fact that people you need to keep close and safe with you are ones who do the same for you. Which is a good start at the very least. And you don't have to be perfect, never ever. Nor do I need anyone else to be, just need them to have a good heart and genuine goodwill. Anyone who has that, will be decent and do right by you and everyone else they know. I actually mean that. I don't give a hoot about someone appearing perfect, I'd rather they be real and vulnerable and trust me enough to show me their unvarnished selves.
And speaking of, omgomgomg I haven't spammed this boy as much as I usually do this week!! Been so busy with folks and the unending errand running I had to do. I'm slipping 😭. Plus he has gotten all nice and calm and zen these days. Total sweetheart he is. But wait I'll go do it rn, just to make some noise for effect.
Edit: Done, hollered at him to wake up to watch the match. Sometimes I just enjoy bothering him lots, I don't even know why. I literally don't do this to anyone else but with him I feel like some kid that's like " gimme attention nowww ". I'm not even ashamed, I have this godawful grin on my face even at the thought of sending random nonsense, it makes me v happy. Just as much as turning myself into a burrito and cuddling inside my blanket does.
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