Talked to Di finally last night and it seems like she is chill. Good. I don't think I can deal with another tanked friendship lol. I don't want to lose people like that randomly. Man, I feel like in a bunch of things sometimes I've just been floating. S is in town and I haven't gone to meet him either, sheet. I should have but even he didn't text later so I gave up. Idk why lol. Usually have fun seeing him. But idk, somehow haven't had the will to go meet folks. I really need to get some of my fire back lmao. I'm usually good at maintaining friendships but lately been too funky and loner like. In my bid to get rid of my fears I also tended to detach a bit too much. Can't just run away always. I need to become a little more outgoing. I notice that when I'm more silent, so many people tend to try and be dominant around me. Funny how your environment is always pushing against you and the person you want to be. It's like everyone has just been taught to tell you how to live. 

Plus, I never realised earlier in life how everyone is always vying for hierarchy. Since I've always been vocal and sure of myself, it never occurred to me to actually be cognizant of other people's motives. But a part of my mind also goes bleh in response to giving a shit about it. Cuz as much as I feel fear intensely in one area of life, in others I'm just like gtfo and refuse to budge an inch for anyone. Interesting. 

Man, people are fascinating. 

All this will go in my book of characters and one day I'll write a novel and they shall help me. Magnum Opus incoming.