The balancing act

Playing today gave me a sense of niceness. And I think it's time I started to take steps to build the life I want, one that is meaningful to me. 

So keep your head down, use your time wisely, work on your manuscript, do some good work, get fitter and eventually trust that things will work out the way that you want them to. At the end of the day, you can still be happy that you never diluted your ethos, did what's right and there's no shame in putting your own self first. A year from now, here's hoping I'm well and truly happy with the balance that I'm trying to achieve in my life. Not a lot I want, but I do want to be relentless in chasing my goals without fear. Everything else will just become background noise one way or another once the focus is set. Plus what's good and meant to stay in your life will figure itself out. Even when it comes to people, eventually it just comes down to them also making the right sort of effort for me, so whatever they choose, let them do it freely and accept whatever choice they make. Not going to try and make them do one thing or another. Wish there was one thing I could tell M though. He once said I met him at his work and that matters. But I never mentioned that meeting him at work doesn't change the fact that I'm a good person and I've always been loving and loyal from the time I've met him till now and that will never change. That's not a fact that should be overlooked either imo, but in his words, it is what it is. It's not a pleasant experience for me to be treated like I'm untrustworthy, and that is what it boils down to eventually when someone keeps so many barriers in place. When you do your best and in turn people look at you with skepticism, it's hurtful. All those folks who get wrongly accused of cheating would understand that. Having said that, I am his friend, and will continue to be, and that fact has to be balanced with my life goals too. So I guess it's okay. If we are meant to play a role in each others' lives, we will find a way to, in whatever capacity that suits us. But I will not hammer at a door that's shut in my face any longer or stress him or myself out. I guess that's fair. And be nice to him, don't punish him for wanting to protect it. He has had an uphill journey when it comes to his profession and might have dealt with stuff you can't even imagine. So if he has finally found his niche and come into his own, then you can't blame him for wanting to protect what's his. Be supportive and like him for who he is. Not a lot of good folks around, so when you find one, just be accepting of what they choose for themselves. It's the right thing to do. And you are nice too, and you deserve to be - at the very least - around people who see that in you and make you feel welcome.

And do your best for yourself too P. Life is good, lets make it better. Start today and let's goooo! ♥️

Anyway, glad that's sorted in my mind now. Can be happy and free and normal. 

Also played some user called TheUnknownRussian yesterday who seemed as if he was titled cuz he destroyed me and later was on lichess tv playing a GM. What a rush!

Oh god now I'm again getting the urge to play more rapid ffs someone stop meeeeee.