Oh man, it's a new week already and dad is leaving on Tuesday. Wonder when I see him next. It's been a nice trip, and I feel a sense of relief now that both him and mom are getting on with each other.  A large part of this is also my mom learning to loosen up and allowing him to be  It took her so long to get to this point, but now that she has, things have been overall happier for everyone when it comes to getting along with each other. Some of the stuff my dad put her through was quite fuckall and it's understandable that she was so angry for so many years. I would feel the way she did too, and I think when you want that validation and care from your partner and your partner starts getting aloof, then it makes you fearful and act out in weird ways. Plus it's not her responsibility completely, dad should have been a lot more caring and communicative and understanding when it comes to her, instead of just being conflict averse all the time. That's the thing about growing older, you realise the other person's point of view as well. If divorce was an option, then maybe they'd have gotten one back when they were younger. I wonder how life would have been then. I don't think it's easy for people to acclimate to a broken family, esp kids. And if they remarry and say you have step siblings etc, then it would be hella hard to navigate that. Maybe easier as an adult but as a child, oh man. In all this I always, always feel bad for kids. Not the adults as much, even though they are the primary recipients of the shit. But for a kid to understand this stuff when they are small, idk. In my books it's kinda unpardonable. Esp if home ground had fighting or infidelity or some such. It might be my own bias too though. When mum told me all the horror stuff my granny put her through, I was traumatized and I was barely 8-9 back then. It sucked because up until then I'd loved my granny and it destroyed my relationship with her. Consequently, I've never had any real connection with my extended family either. And home was just these two either fighting or pressuring me to do what they want so I was in a constant state of wanting to escape them. That's why friends have played such a huge role in my life. They kinda became my world in a sense. The worst part, imo, is how this either fucks you up enough to either give you severe trust issues or you simply internalise the fact that shitty people are what love looks like and choose them and then get fucked over and assume relationships suck. Terrible cycle. And cycles can be hard to break. I see my folks finally kind of breaking through theirs. At the very least, I don't have to worry about them making each other miserable anymore. I'll consider that a win. 

I wish they had figured this out sooner, but as they are getting older I guess they are also mellowing out. Better late than never. Couples should depend on each other. The one thing I've always seen between them is that no matter how angry they made each other, they have always had a sense of trust in each of them. Esp when it comes to fidelity. If either of them were the straying kinds I'm not even sure how much worse I would have been impacted by their marriage. I don't think mum would have ever stayed with him if that happened though. And i don't think of her even doing anything like that cuz she simply is one of the most loyal people I've ever known. For all her childishness, anger etc, the one thing that's a constant in her is her loyalty to us, something I can't even dream of doubting. I like that. I'm sure I'll be as steady and loyal and caring when I commit to someone too. Funnily enough, that's the one aspect of my personality that scares me, cuz it's so binding for me once I've committed in my mind. So it just makes me uber careful I suppose. And for all my love of banter and witty talk and general tomfoolery, I don't cross the line into anything sexual with anyone that I'm not with. Or encourage it from their end either. That's something me, Meg, Stonu etc all of us have in common. I thought Di did as well, but idk anymore. 

I think part of the reason why I got so mad at Di the other day when she said open relationship and kid in the same breath comes down to this. It's like you just know it's a recipe for disaster and you have to sit by and let it happen even though objectively speaking it's not your life so it should not be something you interfere in. 

Idk. I've just put this on the back burner and hope it was just idle musing. Although how can it be idle musing if within a year of your marriage you say that so nonchalantly. Even the thought of someone else touching anyone I'm in love with makes my entire world recoil, so to hear someone state it that way genuinely shook me. Yeah well fuck it, I'm not acclimating or accepting this nonsense. I think I'm fairly sure of cutting ties if this stuff starts becoming a reality in her. Anyway, blah. Best not to think about this.