Lol spaghetti squash. That takes me back! :) it was sooo much fun back then, just testing you hehe. Oh man, I loved how hustly you were and also sooo convinced noone else can be. ♥️ Hehe. All those lil, lil deets I'm sure you thought I missed. That one song I loved that you NEVER played again. Heh. I had soooo much fun spamming you. Funny thing is, from the start I've felt like I could just understand you well. What was instinctual then is now I guess comfortable. 

I've seen you change and grow sooo much over the year. I thought you were a great fling type, even contemplated just hitting on you for kicks. And I'm sure you know how to have fun, and a part of me soooo wanted to do that, cuz I'm good at that too and I was dying to find out how our energies match. Plus... Idk there's something so enticing about no holds barred fun, just absolutely seduce the mind off someone. I wanted to see whether I get you or you get me. Cuz I knooow you'll just want to dominate that and I'm not easily swayed and within that would be a loooot of fun and push pull. Temptress! But then I figured most people anyway do that with you, so why just add my name to a list like that? And yet you are actually the first person I've actively fantasized about. Oooh baby, now that's one secret I'll never tell. Xoxo. The places my mind went to, umm umm umm. You're this mix of romantic, aggressive, fun and impulsive that's such a lethal combo for someone like me. And I had this overwhelming feeling that all that you are, I'll be able to respond to and hold steady for simultaneously. I don't even have the words to accurately describe it except... Idk that storm within you would find a vessel in me? Atleast in my mind it was like that, every time I thought of you. With you on top whenever it went there ;) . I have a feeling doing you would be very, very addictive.

But shit, in retrospect I'm glad I didn't just do some blink and miss thing with you. I remember how mad I was at you my birthday week when you did that weird disappearing act you do, I'd totally decided like a dug in child that I also won't speak if you don't. Lmao. I guess I just needed some form of sweetness from your end back then, I'm like a vulnerable softie inside and I clam up when I feel unloved. After effects of having dated a narcissist I suppose, you just get hyper vigilant about red flags. And here's the kicker. Idgaf if the person knows me well or not at all, if they seem nice and I want them around, then I default want to be shown care and will pout lots instinctively if I don't get it. It's funny to me now to think of but yeah I'm sure I wasn't all that easy to handle at times. And now I just default assume there is sweetness and then proceed to spam you to my heart's content when I feel like it. Which might seem crazy to you, but oh well. Oopsies. Getting to know you from then and seeing you change over time has been quite nice.  I'm also trying my best to be responsible tbh. Esp with you, I hope I have been, atleast on balance. I hope someday soon you find it comfortable being vulnerable with me too. I'd love that, it'll make me feel more at ease as well cuz I like that protective space. And idk, little by little I'm seeing that boyishness in you give way to the man who is seeming a lot more responsible. I like the blend of the two. Good to be both, no? Feet on the ground, but reaching for the stars? It's all about the stretch. Best part is - the boy who would be a great fling is someone I think would be a great father too. Look at that spectrum. Crazy innit?

Lately a bit humble too like wtf. I noticed that today and it was just so sweet. In a good way, cuz hmmm. To me it just means you are being kinder to yourself and I'm delighted so see that. You are way, waaay too tough on yourself otherwise. So many changes in youuu. Just wanna squish you tight in a giant hug sometimes. Even as I sit here typing, listening to your music while you run your tap water which is hilarious in its absolute absurdity, while my body seems drained and tired, I can't help but smile a little to myself at this awesome mix of everything in this moment. Even the incessant talk about mayo is just so banal and yet fits into the comedy. But I muuust say...I hope you retain your humor and your cheek, it's absolutely hilarious and endearing and I hope it never leaves you, no matter how responsible you become <3. Trying hard at things you love and taking things lightly at the same time, that to me is the optimum balance, and the best way to be happy. And with a smile like that, you should be happy. 🙃

Edit: you know what? I'm gonna use you as a muse for a story. I used to do this earlier with people when they fascinated me, to see if I can catch their essense. Let me try one for you. This one would be harder cuz I know so little still but I'll try my best. 

Edit2: I dote on you soooo much lmao. Reread this to edit here and there and had a smile while simultaneously thinking dayum, so much sugar. You have the ability to just drive me wild and at the same time melt the fuck out of me. The entire gamut of my emotional range is at your mercy. Wtf man. I'm a total sitting duck. Ugh... But I don't like the lopsidedness of me knowing you better than you knowing me. I want you to know me, like genuinely, with no pretences. I want things to be fair to you, I just don't know how to go about it lol. I'm too, too, too shy when it comes to stuff like that, so this bit I'm just gonna leave up to you and hope you figure it out somehow.