Toxicity

Toxic relationships. The root cause of trust issues and general terrors amirite? Hmmm. I've been in a couple, the first was just a fling of sorts so I didn't particularly chart that down as harmful to me cuz I simply didn't care, I was just interested in the here and now. I remember him waking me up at 4 am once, yelling at me. It was so disorienting. But luckily I was a very dense kinda person then so I didn't actually understand back then that it was going to escalate into an abusive cycle. Thankfully ended it before it got too crazy too. He used to keep threatening to break up over small things until I gave in to whatever he wanted so in the end I just said ok when he threatened me again. And that fuckwad then took back his words and said no we have come so far, we should give it another shot 💀. Man, was I stupid or what? You live, you learn. 

The second one ... The less said the better. It didn't go the way I heard it described today though, the trajectory was v different. But I guess narcissistic toxicity is different from that kind. I think what set it apart was it wasn't abusive in the sense that someone was trying to hit me, it was unreal in a whole different way that I hadn't ever encountered. One of the worst things that ever happened to me, happened due to that dude, but it was his complete disinterest and lack of care that was truly horrifying. All that silent treatment when I did something he didn't like, even over something small. Dayum. I hated that so damn much. Like abusive people have that cycle of abuse then niceness to hook you, and they know what they did was wrong. But with this one he just denied the fact that what he did was wrong. I don't even know if anyone who hasn't dealt with it will understand, but it's like their mind is closed to the fact that they can cause harm. I still remember his words " you'll get used to it ". Even after me telling him about that night, he simply didn't think of me once or even compute that he should. Didn't call or talk the next day, just pretended like nothing happened. Dayum. And there were so many other instances where he simply didn't care about anyone, he always only thought about himself. What a trait. Indifference can be the biggest form of cruelty when applied to situations that are extreme. Plus I got into this as a rebound and I was so so so hurt and tired at the time that I simply couldn't bear to end it cuz I was so tired of losing people. I think the worst part of this is the fact that it made me stay with him for almost half a year more. It's weird but after having someone you loved completely break your heart and losing out on what you feel was the best thing to happen to you, and right after jumping into the worst that has happened to you is so unreal. That sense of home I had with J, it was the first time in my life I considered the idea of marriage and love that lasts. Only for it to get wrecked and replaced by that absolute nightmare of a person. I wanted to just fight with the universe at that time lmao. Man, I was childish and how. No wonder I simply shut down after that for a bunch of years. I really needed that time to steady myself and heal and become ok. Which I am now, thank fuck. Glad none of you all are a part of my life and I don't have to see any of you ever again. I haven't really thought about you guys but even thinking of you all rn doesn't really matter to me, it's all done and dusted. 

But somehow, I never realised that there's a methodology to all this. Like wtf bro. And these boys seem to know the entire spectrum, right down to timelines. Dafaq have they all even dealt with? 💀💀💀 

Blah, fuck it. Idgaf and I'm never going to about this shit ever again and hope they don't either. Not letting crap like this dictate my life again. 

Don't make dumb choices henceforth, is all. 💪🏼