So cloudy rn, goes well with piano. Sway like the breeze in the trees.
You have always been one of my fav piano tracks. People confuse you to be Chopin's composition even now, don't they? Doubt many have heard the original version either. The Tom Muscenieks version is almost the same but not quite. George Davidson's is wonderful too. All lovely tbh. I think I prefer that most of all, a tad bit more urgent and dramatic. Lettre à ma mère is also wonderful. Always take me to the edge of as gentle as I can be. Plus, the three odd years of my life where I felt nothing, you were the one track that helped me through it. Funny that 2016 was mentioned today. That year, and the years that followed were so goddamn tough for me. By the time 2019 rolled around, I just hit rock bottom. And then proceeded to feel nothing after a while lol. There was safety in that. I'd take lack of pain as a win for those years. I was so full of anger that time damn. At everything and everyone who had done me wrong and at my own self for letting it happen. I know the pandemic was objectively awful, but for me it was a period of healing. Rock bottom gives you a firm foundation, as I discovered. Stripped of everything that's unnecessary, you can rebuild to your liking. That's a gift. Feels like ages ago now, and like memories go, all these are finally distant. Which is nice, it means I've finally overcome that time. It's only around this time last year that I started to feel stuff again. Happy, light, positive, loving. Maybe that's why I love the piano, it helps me access a side to me that's so dormant most times. To be fair, it's not dormant anymore, quite the contrary. This is one of the solid reasons why I value you, M. You coming into my life was genuinely one of the turning points that I never even imagined existed back then. You have, and you continue to just help me be me, and be a person I like being. To be totally honest, the first few months I more or less only wanted to know what your fingers would feel like inside me, while you lean back on a couch of some sort. Something about you casually lounging around with that wild messy hair is so damn hot. Just wanted to look you in the eye, have you hold out your hand and move on your fingers slowly. Kinda also wanted to know if you are a talker or you just get silent. I can baaarely talk during, so I always have this curiosity. I hadn't thought of anyone like that in a long time, and then bam! There you were, and I literally felt such a strong urge to know how deep inside you can go, whether you are fast or slow or a mix of both. Wanted to possess you sexually over and over again, the kind where it's just a bubble of you and me and time slows and you wanna find out how many times you can go until you simply can't anymore. Plus the part of you that likes to win will totally dommy daddy me, and that seems like a win win to me. There's a mental component to it that only true hustlers would understand or appreciate I suppose. There haven't really been too many lovers that could do that to me mentally, and therefore noone's really had me at their mercy tbh. I wonder if you would. Interesting. Let's just say you made me happy in more ways than one, how about that? It's also why I was so fearful initially, I was afraid I'd be insignificant to you. Idk, I used to end up feeling like I don't matter to the people in my life I gave a shit about earlier on, so that feeling was really hard to shake off. I was horrifyingly bad with my people choices and spent a large part of my life around people that weren't good for me, so you know... Life makes you skeptical of trusting others. I guess you'll understand that someday, you clearly understand your friend and while my situations were very different, there's an overlap in the not understanding others' intentions department in some way. Actually, come to think of it... when I was 17, I remember I met this emcee lady and her friend who were like a decade older than me. And I thought they were nice and oh so cool, but eventually that dude used to make me pay for his stuff. What was his name? Steve. Lol. Just before uni started. Damn I was so small then. And I ended up spending so much of my summer job money on them. Man, what losers. Shit, I'd forgotten this lol. Stupid Steve with his stupid scarf and his hoe ways. Thou were a total fuckwad, Steve and a complete half wit to boot. Who tf makes a 17 yo girl pay for his stupid shit? And Pam didn't think to warn me even once, and later told me she wasn't banging him. Well, thanks a lot Pam. But back then all this just seemed adventurous and not really anything I cared about too much. The objectively awful people didn't really harm me, I was lucky.
Sorry for all the irrationalness I might have bestowed upon you as a consequence though. :)
There are some non science -y parts in me, and they believe some things just have a reason, and that thought always brought me a lot of hope and comfort.
God, the world is so full of fight. Work, people, traffic, heartbreak everything is always so hectic and strify. Never leaves you with enough moments to yourself. When you can just be. And when the key is hit just right, like at the 1.50 ts of this song, everything just pauses.
Tu tu tu tu tuuu
🎶🎵♥️
Aaaand it started raining
And now listening to Once upon a December
Seems appropo.
No comments:
Post a Comment