Texted M a lil bit. All I wanted to do was have a nice friendly convo. That's it. Instead I just want to rant atm. Lol. This man has a special talent in that I straight up just get wild when he says something that I perceive in a diff way than he intends. And in the moment even I instinctually react and later on think and realise ok this is what he probably meant. 

Felt like he is soooo skeptical of me even now. I am sometimes at a loss as to what to even say to him cuz it feels like everything has to be censored. And I just haaaatte it when someone treats me like I'm untrustworthy. I hate it from the bottom of my heart like. Esp someone who has known me for so long and someone who I've always watched out for. Does he think I don't have enough intelligence to discern between what needs to be private and what doesn't? Worst part is, literally one person in my life even knows that I know him. Just the one. Who doesn't understand or give a shit about chess. What's irritating is... People in this world keep accusing each other of cheating and being nasty and petty all the fucking time. And imagine having someone do that to you and then treating someone else the same way. It's just so.... Idk like... Insulting, you know. I just recoil at the thought that someone thinks they need to be wary of me or what they say to me. All my life I've been looking out for and been protective of others and to have someone question my character like that is one thing I find very intolerable. Noone who has ever met me has ever questioned my integrity. They may have hated my bluntness, my tendency to say cutting things at times and thought of me as insensitive, sure. But integrity isn't something that has ever been in doubt. And there's a reason for it. Ugh. I'm pretty sure none of this is actually the way I'm seeing it, but I am annoyed that he doesn't trust me. Actually I'm certain he  does trust me but is still guarding stuff on principle. And that I hate more lol. 

Anyway, blah. Ranted it out, so I can be normal. I have to remind myself that their boundaries are theirs to keep and not for me to flout. And I'm not some beggar who is going to go crawling around asking for trust if they choose not to, like no way. Make that decision on your own or don't. I'll be fine either way. And I will move on in my life and find ones who do as well. No harm, no foul. 

That's the thing about life isn't it? Eventually it becomes a stack of actions and actions have consequences and while it might seem big in the moment, time passes, things move and one day you'll either be close to each other or like complete strangers. I want more in life... I want to have genuine connections, and not be constantly unsure of where I stand or have this horrible feeling of always knocking on a shut door that may open a tiny bit one day and may not open at all the next. Plus whatever man... these things should be open hearted and sweet not feel like some uphill task. Noone is immune to the passage of time, and I've observed life enough to know that the grass is always green where you water it.