Did a lot of thinking this week. Was totally away from everything and everyone. Some pic of J has pooped up on my time line and poop is right. That guy really pushed the trajectory of my life into a weird direction. But what felt wrong then feels right now. He wasn't the right one, he was just a glimpse into a future that could be nice, but he wasn't the right person to carry that out. So I'm glad it ended and I'm glad I had the strength to move on. I loved you though, and in you there was a glimpse of forever after that I cherish, because something I want for myself. I will never think of you again though. I haven't missed you all these years and looking at your pic did nothing either. Just told me how the only thing that didn't fit in the idea of forever was you. Screwing someone over is not in my dna, and it will not be a part of anyone I choose either, of that I'm sure. 

Goodbye, flipping you off one last time for good measure lol. 

Youth and long hair is all I miss from this pic zomg. My haircut now is soooo bad and short 😔☠️

And then slowly I was thinking about M and why he has meant so much to me all this while. I think it's cuz knowing him finally showed me that there can be people who have similar values to mine, that they can be strong headed and willful and caring at the same time. Cuz he is all of those things. As frustrating as his behaviour can get at times, he does embody a lot of traits that even I possess and value. And his strength is what I find so appealing as well as his vulnerable side. The dichotomy of that makes me feel kinda protective of him, but also not in a way which is bad. I guess that's why it bothers me when he is aloof and gets into these weird modes. At the very least, I sense that we can be very good friends, ones who have each others' backs. But lord knows he needs to decide to actually lean into that the right way. Plus I don't want to be the kind that in turn gets aloof if I feel paranoid and then be distant, it's not fair to him. Ugh. Randomly these problems exist due to miscommunication. Idk man, I think it's time he started being a bit more open and trusting of me. I can't make him, but I won't wait forever either. Let's not be in limbo for the rest of our lives. All he needs to do is say hi and be steady. I don't think it's the end of the world but I do think I'm a good friend and a good person and it's time he recognised that too. After seeing the kinda shit a lot of other folks do, I can actually safely say I'm a lot better than a whole bunch. So some basic reciprocity I deserve, and will not compromise on. Plus consideration towards me cannot be off the table and after this long of knowing each other, he should feel atleast entitled enough to ask me what's been up with me if I haven't said anything either. He has that right, he should know that by now. Ugh. So much I would like to say but I have no clue how so here's hoping he figures it out for himself. Lol. I can't keep second guessing stuff and he can't expect me to take everything on blind faith either. Anyway, blah. Teething pains, they'll solve themselves. Whatever, love you lots M, please do what feels right to you, I would love to be there for you, but you have to ask me to as well not just expect me to always. Still, it's your life and I don't believe in caging people so whatever suits you, I'll let you be. Whenever this silence breaks between us, I'll be there, no worries. Till then, I guess I'll just miss you a tiny bit <3 

Having said that, I am more or less happy now, and smiling. Imma smile lots more from now, look so tired and drained here BUT IMMA SMILE FROM NOW

Listening to: Balmorhea - Winter