Wondering

Why did this one thing hurt me so much? I'm not trying to be distant or mean or trying to ignore but it's legit hurting me. Fuck. Why in the world did it impact me so much? At this point I don't even care if it was truly meant as badly as I took it, just the idea of it stung me no end. Why?

What is it that I'm feeling and why? I'm never this thin skinned. I straight up wanted to cry while listening to that one stupid ass song that made me happy just a week ago. Why? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It's not even period time, I checked. :( Ordinarily, I can get over stuff fast enough to atleast be able to articulate them, but I'm finding it so hard to do so rn. A decade ago someone told me they think I have a switch that lets me get over stuff asap. Overnight, I was told. *Eyeroll* Idk if I ever had that switch but today I can't seem to find it lol. It was meant as an insult, a provocation and a challenge at the time I suppose. I didn't fully care then, but does that mean I do now? 

Feels so weird to not be able to have an open conversation about it either. Hoooow do I choose to be in situations like this? Fucking talent. Leaping without thinking seems to be my personal Olympic sport. It's like living in a Kierkegaard book. Just trust without knowing if you should. Atleast give me a reason to, ffs. 

Oh man, I truly don't know what to do. Think I'll have to just cuss a lot until I figure it out. Atleast I'm not the weakling I used to be, so if I do get fucked over, I'll find a way to be alright.  

Raw dogging honesty on this blog. Someday, I'm gonna read it all back and judge myself.

Also screw classical, I'm gonna listen to Tokyo Ghoul soundtrack until I get my head on straight.