In between

~ I remember being fascinated by the word betwixt. ~

Diss tracks

Wake up bright and early, make coffee, sip it in sunshine, open news, see someone talk about fabi + teens, and then see the song linked about him being a hoe by that teen. 

~

LMFAOOOOO. Fuckkk. Hahahhaa. That song is sooo hilarious and like... Hahahha well, dating teens is sus asf but having such a song trash you is such top tier shitposting oh man. I cannot even. First time in ages I've laughed so much oh god that's just tooo priceless.  

~

Never thought a day shall arrive where I'd find someone singing about him being a sex addict but here we are. Ooof. Mama mia indeed. 

Maaan I wish I could share this with someone oh god. Haven't laughed like this in ages. Dude got a diss track, teenage style. Ahahhaahha fuck. 

Just 🤌🤌🤌🤌

~

This is the first time in two weeks I've actually laughed damn. Heh. Sometimes it just takes something so fuckin absurd that you just wondering tf is happening. Heh. Good stuff. It's time for the doom and gloom to subside. 

~

🍯

" Do I wanna put it out there? "

That's a thought I grapple with from time to time. Often times, I was pushed by a desire to be unadulteratedly myself and very honest to myself. I wanted to capture all my thoughts naked, say the stuff that the world structures ask you to hide and just be unvarnished. Simply cuz my innate belief is that you have juuuust one life. And so I allowed myself to be honest and open. Just here, but I did it. I wanted to make sure years from now if I look back, I can see who I was, and who I was trying to be. Halway through, I realised hey... Somebody kinda knows my safe space and comes by, so I then I tried to gently intimate them about it. And I was at a crossroads too, like should I be honest or not? Would it be better to hide how I feel? And then my mind was like fuck it, you can't just falter in that quest because someone you didn't even share this space with found it. 

It was uncomfortable for me, but I kinda just put that out of my mind and proceeded as usual. Then came a time that I started questioning... Hey... I can't just pretend that the price of honesty at this point might be hurting someone's feelings. I should definitely be tamer in my expressions, more considerate. And the thing is, irl I would be just that. I'm always putting people first so like... Lol. See that was my contention. I'm always, always, alllllfuckigways putting someone else first. Their feelings, their sensitivities. This was my onnnee place to feel how I feel and think what I think and say what I say so why should someone rob me of it? I know the simpler thing was simply to shut it down but for me it was like bruhhh... I've kept it to myself for soooo long like a decade or more so why should I be pushed out? Hahah. I know it's all probably childish but it's also something simple that I was not willing to let go of. Ugh. No it's not childish, it's my spot. Mine. 🤺🤺🤺🤺

And now, slowly but surely. I find myself censoring my thoughts a little bit. I posted something so unvarnished yesterday and then woke up to remove it. Haha. I suppose peoples' feelings do matter to me. Because... I suppose feelings can be fleeting, and rushed but words can be etched on someone's mind forever. Lord knows I would take it badly if someone was criticising me. But I also would not be peeking into something if they didn't want me to lol. Hahah. Assholery that was, ngl. Oh well. It's okay. But that assholery is why I want to be careful with my words. Even if it means I'm the one that is left being nice at a cost to myself. So, I suppose in the order of things maybe hurting someone is not worth it. When you give a shit about someone, or atleast when I do, I'd like to treat their feelings with atleast the same amount of care as I do mine. Which leaves me where? Haha. In a bind, that's where. 

Well. It's okay I suppose. I'd rather be kind than right if I had to choose between one. I suppose that's how I'd want to be treated too. Too much honesty is simply self serving and can sometimes be an excuse for being a dick. And god knows there are times you waaaant to be a dick too hahahaha. Fuck. That's also true. It's a weird thing about passion that sometimes when you actually care you are so involved that you kinda wanna fight with them cuz you want everything to be normal... So weird right. I've seen everyone do it from time to time and never understood it before. Now I kinda do. What a wuss I've become, seriously. 

I used to always pick rationality over emotions cuz it just felt safer. Now I'm a lot more easy going and accepting of it. It's funny. A few years ago seeing someone exhibit the same traits as my mum made my heart sink. Like how... Hoooowwww did I find someone so far away who has the exact traits that damaged me growing up? Constantly self focused, never asking how I feel, what I like. It's always like hey gimme the limelight and if you want any then I'll act like you don't matter. It was ironic in the funniest way. Felt like my soul was screeching in some unholy irony like whyyyyy again whyyyy. Howwww why meeee. Hahahha And it was scary at the time like the thing I feared the most, aka a person simply so focused on them that I don't exist to them yet again materialized in my life. lmao. I can appreciate life for it's beautiful way of giving the finger. Oh well. I've never wanted to lose myself in someone else's selfishness and self centeredness. It's also very boring when someone just constantly makes things about themselves or you can sense they want you to finish talking so they can go back to their own self. It does seem like a disorder of sorts. But, a little bit of that made me also understand some parts of their fears and their nature. Atleast my mum's. I love her today and I do care for her and support her. Definitely don't want to run away from her. Heh. Man, the amount of distance I wanted from parents growing up isn't even remotely funny. I suppose even today I don't want someone who is selfish and self centered. I want someone who puts me first, who is nice to me and who does it right off the bat. My feels and wants should matter to them, not just this take take take bs anyway. I will never again wait for someone to be kind. But I atleast know I'm not afraid of anyone anymore, so that's good. Would I want to bicker with them? Yeah ofc. Sometimes it's just good to haha. But in the end I think values need to match, respect needs to be paramount and care needs to bind all of it together. Otherwise it's all useless and not worth the time and energy anyway. 

The one nature of fear I understand is that it's never the person or situation that we fear, it's our powerlessness and inability to cope in that situation that we are afraid of. It all melts away the minute you feel hey I got this, I got my back. If someone bad happens, I trust I'll be able to deal. Feels good to know we have ground under our feet and stability in our walk. 

Hmmm. Well. Let's bring the troubles of the past to a close, a cute teeny bowtie on it. Kick em into the sea. ⛵ 

Tis what tis. And once again we go que sera sera. Whatever will 🐝, will 🐝

Que sera sera. 

007

Watching the old bond films for the first time and man, they are great! Like wuuut. I never knew! And my my! Connery is such a hottie haha. Shit he was only 32 or so looks 45. People of that era were super masculine. 

~

It's interesting how men have progressively become a lot more feminine in their grooming over the years. The lads from connery era all look so old and adult like. Can't put a Chris Evans next to him and find him anything but a baby lol. Nice. Good stuff. It's nice guys are okay with loosening up and being more experimental actually. I kinda always hated the slot guys used to be put into where they are told to be emotionless and strong etc. That's just not fair to them. It's good those barriers are breaking and we look at them in more human ways. That phrase ' not a real man ' had struck a cord with me for some reason. I had never once thought about how demeaning it must be to tell a guy that. Like completely erasing his self worth. It's crazy people out there can be so harsh in their interpersonal equations tbh. I never understood how you can say you love someone and then try to belittle them. 

Seeing the Connery gen, kinda makes me also understand where it all stems from. You have this macho dude as a model male then yeah, anything that isn't macho is less than. Ugh. To be fair there are women who buy into that kind of an image too. And man, this movie is sooooo crazy misogynistic in parts lmao. Women are simply nothing more than blow up sex dolls. But fuck, what a marvel of filmmaking and that too from such a long time back. My mum wasn't even born then haha. Oh damn. I'm sure she would find Connery very hot lmaoooooo. Hahahahha. Oh fuck. I've become very fond of her now haha. I must admit, it really feels nice. 

~

I wanna do a complete bond film marathon damn I'm loving these so much!! I'd loved that film shaan as a kid and I didn't know it was inspired by bond lmao. Wow. Hehe. I love what I love. Glad to know it. 

Omg he just smacked her butt hahahaha fuck. " Man Talk" smack. Fuuuck. Oh feminism you would get so damn outraged at this hahahahah what a guy film it is 💀😂. And he says this in those tiny shorts with hairy ass legs hahahhah.  Let's goooo Goldfingaaaahhh

Week later I open apps to check news and one of the first things staring at me is someone collating a bunch of pics and messages of fabi dating a minor fml. Didn't even know there was so much shit floating about either. 

Tf is going on in the world idk anymore. 

~

Back to no chess this unholy game and unholy people begoneeee ⚔️✝️🙅‍♀️

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Ugh. I wish I could do some cleansing ritual god I'm so repulsed by everything rn just nein nyat nakko🤺🤺🤺🤺🤺

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Man. I just can't even bring myself to look at a board anymore, feels so unreal and like idk....ugly. There's such ugliness in this world it gets to me lots. It's not like I can change anything but it just hurts to see. I hope it all wears off over time. I remember seeing JB's tribute and it was heartfelt asf. And then it all felt so surreal like wtf people are giving tributes to someone who should be alive like wut is happening. And now this fabi with teens muck. It's all so ugly man. And it all feels so dilute and inauthentic like everything is just hyper optimised to serve some need. I hate that. And even this spate to tributes, I'm sure a lot of it is real but how many people will remember you a year, two years or more later? Only the ones who love you. They'll miss you forever. Rest is, and was always noise. So like... why leave them so early? Pure childishness and self absorption. I really believe that. Life goes on as usual for a majority of folks and the few who love you will be devasted forever. That's the spectrum of impact. 

Thoughts like these bum me out ngl. And I don't wanna look at a board because I don't wanna be bummed out. Fuck, knowing you saw someone's last stream is just crazy. Tf does one do with that? 

Heh. Some realisations in life are so weird one knows not what to do with them. A person who was so universally loved still chose to look at the negatives and shape himself through that lens. 

Man. The one year I had looked forward to diwali and then just spent it shell shocked. 

Damn how I wish I could turn back time and go back to stop myself from ever playing chess. All I've seen is shitty things and people and that's it. I wish 2025 hadn't happened either while we are at it. This year just sucks. 😔 

I wish to stay far away from all these realisations.  

~

Still not able to look at chess anymore. Want to puke. I don't know the guy but just the fringe stuff around it and seeing that horrid evil unhinged lunatics just go after him unchecked even after he passed away like. Fuck man. I cannot. I can't stop imagining how awful it must be for his mum, to have someone just make a mockery of your son's death time and time and time again. 

~

I feel v bad, I think I just wanna delete my account and forget this game exists. 😔

~

I never want to know anyone in chess ever fuck they are just evil. I can't even imagine FedEx or Nadal bullying kids to death dude like what even happened I can't fuck. It's surreal asf. Man, even formulating this sentence feels absurd asf. Damn. 

~

Heh. I kinda wish I could rewind the last few years and I just never even started playing this game. Life was a lot better without it. Touche. 

Dad just called up to check on me out of the blue hehe. It was so sweet. Sometimes I feel like I've been surrounded by so many selfish, self centred people early in life that I kind of never expect anyone to watch out for me. While I don't actively mind it, or think about it, it's moments when someone just calls impromptu and says ooo I wanna see your face been so long and then just chats, it just feels really nice. If someone cares about me, I will never take it for granted. And this feeling is so special that I do not want to waste time on anyone who doesn't. I guess I'm realising more and more that active care and acts of being sweet matter to me a lot. I want more of that in life. Over the last three years I've really understood at a core level how important it is, and I do not wish to ever find myself in that kind of a situation again where the lack of it leaves me shell shocked.

Experiencing that feeling where you just know no matter how bad you feel, some people will not care is a fate I would not wish on anyone. It's the ugly, soul destroying hell hole of malignancy that seeks to destroy you from within. I do not care about such people anymore. Just as naro should not have given a flying fuck about all these ghouls. I do not know if Naro took his own life, and I really hope it is not that, but I do feel people in general need to hold themselves in equivalence to others and not look up to someone or need their approval. Be respectful, be kind, but have your own back too. Don't leave those who love you in a hurry, noone can fill the void of someone that is loved. 

~

It's crazy how some people touch your life man. It really is. There's moments of humanity in a lot of life's touchpoints, even when they are on fringes. Naro had way more love and goodwill in his life than I do, I really wish he had seen that and made that central to his being. I thought about the number of times even JB had mentioned him and with so much affection. JB is another top guy tbh. I suppose this stuff is part of grieving huh. Came across some very cute vids of neims losing to danya etc haha. It felt so sweet and crushing too later cuz I realise these folks are just kids who were having fun at the time. The older I'm getting the more I think innocence and care of kids is of utmost importance. I don't get how old folks are so cruel sometimes. But fuck these old ghouls.

~

I don't really feel like playing chess anymore, atleast not for a while. Watching that appalling bs by Emil on Twitter made my stomach churn, I really hope this time around there are genuine consequences for the bad actors. Despicable shit. I'd be surprised if Krams decided to show some decency and stay out of it now but knowing that malignant turd he will find a way to insert himself into all this and try to act like he was some sage guy. Fuck. I feel so sorry for Naro's mom. I really do. I cannot imagine how horrid it must be to have the man who harassed your son to take such a drastic step keeps trying to get your attention despite it all. I'm so sorry she has to deal with this. God bless her, I hope she finds the strength to find peace. 

I feel like chess just makes people evil and I'm not sure I want anything to do with it anymore.

~

Hmmm. Just gonna go out lots and have some mundane fun for a while. 

A sea of tributes that I've been reading on and off all day have me so choked up. It's a festive time here, there's crackers in the air, people lighting stuff up and yet, I feel so hollow and weird. It's not like I expect anyone to understand this either. 

~

The suddenness of it all, the fact that across the last few years I've always had some passive observations about him all to just culminate into this is so gut wrenching. It's such a sudden full stop, it just feels unreal. I recall his podcast with fabi and how weary he looked. I found it so concerning. And I used to always feel like bruh don't let this stuff get to you. It's not some show, it's real life and I suppose that's the differentiator, seeing an actual human being go through this and decline was so bad. I even remember seeing his play decline and thought it was concerning. Damn dude. I remember being vehemently opposed to the idea of him letting that shitstain Krams try to match against him cuz he was using it all for attention and clout. Fucking unhinged narcissist. Even seeing his reaction and the speculation and bullshit he spewed after news broke was one of the most vile things I've ever come across. Hard to even understand how such malignancy can exist. 

Damn. That part makes me mad. But I suppose it's anger a large part of the community feels. 

~

It's a testament to how kind and sweet he was that almost everyone except the obvious bad faith actor are all pouring out their grief and support and love. Very rarely have I seen such overwhelming positivity towards a person and yet I can't help but think how pointless it is and how much better it would have been if he was still around man. Shit. Bad faith actors notwithstanding, like fuck it if some folks hate you, focus on ones who love you man. Fuck. Nothing in the world is worth doing this to yourself. Life is so much more precious than a fucking gameee dude like maaaan. Life is worth living even if people around you are shitty from time to time. Krams, giri, nepo... They are just fucking snakes dude like why just why think or care about them fuck. They were just jealous of his success those petty fucking losers. 

~

In the end, why didn't the love and support matter? Some of us crave for acknowledgement, and care, but he had that, and friends who cared and loved him and checked on him, a community that overwhelmingly loved him too so like... Idk man. I wish what I fear isn't true but most of all I wish this was simply some nightmare and not real life. :(  

Almost everyone who knew him and knew of him in the world has tears in their eyes today Danya, and I just wish (and I'm sure as do most others) that we could rewind and he would be around again. He had his entire life and such a bright, beautiful future ahead of him man damn. I can't stop thinking about how his mum and brother might feel, shit dude. 

~

Narcissistic abuse is the worst. My heart breaks for people who have to endure and even more for those who succumb to it. But you must must must always tell them to fuck off. Never give in to that. :(

~

I hope that every person I love, have loved, and will love in the future knows that they can bank on me and rely on me if something happens, if they need someone to talk to, or just need some strength and support. I shall be there without judgement. And I hope even the assholes that I've given my heart to carry that knowledge in their back pocket as they make their way around the world being assholes. As much as I disagree with their policy of being an asshole, I refuse to be one to them in retaliation. I may be tough, but I am fair asf and most importantly I care and always will. Fuckers. 

~

Naro Oct 19, 2025

I can't wrap my head around it still, I literally just saw him play last TT. Fuck.

RIP RebeccaHarris.

You were truly one of the gems of the chess world. I admired everything you stood for. I can't believe I'm never going to see you play again. :(

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck oh my god fuck. 

I can't believe it wtfff man. Oh fuckkkk. Shit. 

Oh man I just can't believe fuck I'm feeling so.... Dammit how what whyyy. Jesus Christ. 

~

I don't even know what to think how the hell did this happen. I just.... 

Man, life is so fragile I don't even know how to process this wtf!!!!!!

~

RIP danya :(

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I feel sick to my stomach about this idk 

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Fuck. Reading all the stuff posted and I still can't wrap my head around it. Oh man. I am not able to process this at all.

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Annoyed

Watching Hiki shit talk his wife's performance when she is 7 months pregnant to an audience wow. 

As someone rightly pointed out, he is like 40 how tf can you be such a shitty partner. 

~

I have more and more discovered that a side effect of liking this game is that it kinda removes empathy and humanity from you. Like hyperfixating on minimising errors make you irrational asf when you view them, but if that's all you focus on, then you are nothing but a twisted excuse for a person. It's like... Idk how can you willingly become so shallow and small? It's very weird. I feel bad for his wife, truly. What a clown show. Imagine playing badly only to have your significant other and father of unborn kid just being mean to you while you are 7 months pregnant fuck. I just can't even imagine what a small, petty fuck you need to be to be this way. 

~

The sad part is I've seen people who are not even close to him in skill behave this way and that's so inexcusable. It's like their entire sense of self worth stems from knowing how to move pieces of a board game and acting like wow I'm so great. On a grander scheme of things it makes me wonder like how can you want to spend your entire life just playing a game? It's a great passtime, but it isn't as if it's contributing anything meaningful to the world, so why not have that realisation and have guardrails on your own behaviour? Feels like watching drug addicts sometime. Just in their own world and lashing out at others. 

~

Ugh... I'm actually just annoyed by this lots like how tf treats a pregnant woman so badly dude. Brian damaged fucking idiot. 

~

Small dick energy and peeps who play chess. A match made in heaven. Bottom of the barrel clown show, honestly. 

~

Comes right on the heels of having seen a chess film lmao. Literally one about obsession too haha. Oops.

Perennial

 

Things that are enduring. I'm glad I love a game like this. And I'm glad I love Satyajit Ray. 

Hehe and I can't tell what opening they are playing lol

Reading about Naro's mental health issues and I felt so bad about it. I'd wondered off an on how badly it must have impacted him from the beginning of the crazy stuff and now seeing how he was during his last stream really made me sad tbh. It's completely crazy how many unhinged lunatics are out there. :(

~

This entire year something has felt off about him whenever I've glimpsed him, like idk what but just looks sickly, aged and worn out. I usually follow him on lichess TA and even there his performance seems so lackluster. 

~

The weirdest part of all this is how I kinda just understand some folks and their nature and can project how they'll feel in some situations. It used to be an academic exercise for me at some point because human nature has always fascinated me. But, as I've grown older, what used to be a clinical lens has kinda become a lot more empathetic from my pov. I don't really know the dude, but I've always appreciated his honesty and his values, because they are the stuff that I also hold dear, and I could understand how dealing with witch hunts might be gruesome. And it's sad to see I was correct in my understanding of it. Idk man... I hate unfairness and character assassination and all that rot tbh. I hate it. Just fucking be fair and square in life or gtfo with that immoral shit. Seriously. I have deep rooted disdain for slimy behaviour. Ugh. I hope everyone has someone who looks out for them and wants the best for them. It's great to have that in life. I'm lucky I do, and I hope I can also be that person in the lives of everyone around me. Cherish ye loves and nurture them as best you can. 

Diwali is round the corner. For once, I feel like dressing up. Not for any reason but just to look all bright and shiny. 

~ 

 I'm missing some people this time around damn. 

 Jimmy Carr's a riot. All these years and my fav comic stays the same lol. Just so quick and witty. 

~

I guess I have a deep seated love for words, and he comes closest in terms of just pure wit. 

Lmao yt feed giving jump scares now haha. I did not expect that vid to pop up hhaa. Fuck.  Crazy. It made me run away though. I guess I'm simply not open to revisiting bad memories any longer.

~

If this year has taught me anything... It's that there is so much meanness in this world directed at women and people with a diff skintone, that I just do not want to cater to any racism and bigotry and meanness that's directed my way. I miss days when I wasn't aware of this being a possibility tbh. Heh. I guess some peoples' hate sees no bottom line. I can't forgive myself for waiting around for a morsel of kindness for over 3 years. I do not want it anymore and I never shall. 

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I feel like I wish I could just become a nomad and travel. I never feel like I'm settled and I belong somewhere anyway. Just wish I could take off and leave everything behind at times. 

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The pitter patter of the dogs' feet upstairs just so cute man. Heh. Makes me smile every time I hear it. Dogs are the best, just so wholesome. Hehe, he is walking around again just as I typed that. Adorbs. 

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I feel like having a drink today. My body aches from all the work and workouts and I just wanna unwind.

~

Tomo onwards back to grind lol. I look forward to it. I liked what Carr said tbh. The life you want to lead is at the other side of the work you are avoiding. That's very profound.