"Really toxic babysitting" - it's what that lady said about narcissists and I'm inclined to agree. 

I feel like anytime you end up dating someone who has npd or bpd or any of the cluster Bs, you need to ask yourself a very fundamental question - why did you feel so badly about yourself that you chose to be around this person? 

I've been pondering this lately. With so many people in my life I ended up putting up with so much nonsense without walking away and for what? I used to always just think people are nice. And it took me ages to come around to the idea that it's not true. It didn't help that my mum only modelled selfish behaviour and I came to accept that in people a lot more than others do maybe. 

If roles were changed and it was me who got Leukemia or something life threatening... How would it feel to know that up until then I was being hurt or that people around me don't care about me or haven't bothered to check up on me? Lol. It would be horrible dude.  

What a depressing line of thinking man. Seriously. It feels very soul sucking. 

~

I felt like telling M also to be nice to me. But then it hit me... Someone potentially dying should not be the reason he has to be nice, and that also cuz I ask. He should have been that way always because I've always been great to him. And that's a fact. Even after I broke the silence this time, even though I should not have to cuz he was the one who acted out... He still is being weird. And I can't take it anymore tbh. It's just too mean and there's just too much devastating shit on my plate as it is. Whatever. He is 41 and he should know how to value someone and how to keep that ego aside for people he cares about, and not be so unreliable and selfish all the time. I'm not going to baby him any longer. I don't want to be dying and realise someone is stuck in their ego never wanting to check up on me. How shitty can you be at times dude. Fuck. Unreal. I have never once treated you badly and you have never once treated me well it feels like sometimes. 

~

Meh..fuck this shit. Fuck being unhappy, fuck all the people who have sucked so far and fuck all the rest of it lol. Idc. I'll be fine and I'll be careful enough to only allow the right sort of people in my world from now. Fuck all the rest they can suck it. Never again am I going to be stuck in stupidity or malice and anyone who tries to subject me to it can also fuck off. 

Meddy v Sinner

Gotta hand it to meddy for really trying his heart out. He is one player that has grown on me over the years. 

Hope he wins this match, really lovely to see him come out fighting 

I think I've given up on a few things. It feels like too much pressure and I just want to be chill now. Been keeping to myself a lot more, talking to bro lots etc. Feels okay. Glad he understood about L too. I was afraid not many people would but surprisingly everyone did. I feel v comforted by that. It's been a complex lot of emotions to grapple with. But I'm so happy people actually have my back on this and not a single judgemental thought came my way. It's wonderful. I feel v blessed. 

Bittersweet

This thing with L brought back so many memories and events of our time together. While significant, I cannot unsee the selfishness and dramaticness that tinged all of it. 

Maybe chalking it up to early adulthood might be useful in explaining it but I don't know. The way she treated SH... Who loved her so much. How disposable she made him. All those fights and him having to make up all the time, all the times she cheated on him, dangled other guys in front of him, and then finally when he broke it off, promptly went back to S to stick it to him and screwed S over too. 

It was all so wrong. Both these guys were my close friends and seeing them treated this way was quite awful. And yet, noone would call this behaviour out to be the shit show it was. We were so weird about just accepting this nonsense. And she had no qualms about screwing everyone over whenever she wanted to. Stuff like this is why today I find myself not reaching out. I don't hate her anymore maybe. The gravity of what she is facing has settled in and has more or less removed a lot of my anger towards her too. But do I forgive any of this? I don't think so. 

And I find myself thinking... Do I ever want to be in a spot where I get jerked around like this? No. I do not. She even used to keep them hanging, and not reaching out herself but wanting others to, and if asked why... It would be the same ' I got busy ' etc. Attempting to levitate herself above others I suppose. I never realised that this is just a mask for low self esteem then. But now I see all this behaviour for what it is. Abusive. Abusive to partners and close ones. The only one she was actively unable to manipulate was her husband and I know the reasons why. 

And many other weird things too...how she wants to keep saying she is the best at everything despite just being normal and average and most importantly... How deceptive and image driven she was. She was one of the first people in my life that I truly cared about, but to now see her as a completely selfish, self serving person who only left a trail of destruction behind her... It makes me ask myself... Do I want a person like that in my life ever again? No. I do not. People like this are ghoulish and best avoided. It's such a harsh take but it's an honest one too.  And it's quite possibly the first time in my life I'm actually allowing myself to not get swayed by the waves of horridness that keep washing over me from time to time. Feels very bad to be honest. 

~

If all you do is treat someone badly... The only thing you end up being is a lesson in who to avoid. 

Everyone eventually figures it out, and noone wants to put up with it at the end of the day. 

Trying to read the night circus and just can't seem to care about it. 💀

Why do people like it so much?

Alice Munro

 

Sometimes you read horrendous records like this -

https://archive.is/2024.07.07-111321/https://www.thestar.com/opinion/contributors/my-stepfather-sexually-abused-me-when-i-was-a-child-my-mother-alice-munro-chose/article_8415ba7c-3ae0-11ef-83f5-2369a808ea37.html

~

My mind just shuts down at disturbing accounts like this. A man... In his 50s... Doing this to a kid. Would she have been the only one? I don't know. And then them calling a 9yo a homewrecker. Fuck. 

It takes so long sometimes to untangle the mess adults left you with. Esp adults whose job it was to protect your and love you. I cannot imagine how betrayed you must feel when faced with this. Or how hard it is to accept that the people in your life who were meant to care for you are the actual monsters. No child should ever have to deal with that. Women too, can be such scummy people. To distance yourself from something like this and not take the side of your own child. It's such a crime. And she has a nobel. 💀

Idk man. I think there's way too many people out there that have the potential to be harmful. It's best to be very discerning, esp when it comes to stuff like sexual abuse or any form of abuse tbh. I still just can't wrap my head around the fact that a 50yo man would do this. What I hated the most here was Alice and her completely selfish take and assuming that all these kids were a threat to her security. How do women end up this way? And how are they so completely about themselves? My own mom is extremely self centred and self serving but I cannot imagine even her being this outright fucked up. Like no way. 

This is the reason I hate selfish, self serving people. They cause so much psychological damage and a lot of the times it ends up charting a course for wreckage in your own lives when in reality... None of it was your fault and none of it makes you in the wrong. 

I wish I could take away a lot of the hate and negativity from this world. I do. If I had that one superpower, it would be that I could protect and help people who need it. People who need to see what makes them special, what makes them lovable and make sure everyone can feel at ease knowing in their hearts and minds that they are worthy. 

Shit ya. Terrible thing to have read so early on a Monday. Alice Munro. You truly are a giant piece of shit. Bitch lived till 92 also, what a turd.

 

Spellbound

Seeing Djoko with his daughter.. so cute. What is it about these asshole men who are nevertheless good to kids? Ugh. They are my fucking kryptonite. Istg I'll end up with a dude who irritates the crap out of me from time to time but then I'll just melt if I see these soft sides. Hate these fuckers lmao. Right in that sweet spot of completely having me under their spell

I was thinking about insecure people. And how they have an inability to appreciate anyone else because they are sooooo insecure about themselves that they can simply not tolerate anyone else being good. Just devolve into petty jealousy. I used to meet a lot of these and they'd get jealous immediately and I wouldn't understand it at the time. Now I kinda do. 

Secure people don't need others to feel low about themselves or to hide themselves so they can feel like they are the star. And tbh... If someone is so insecure they need to do that to someone else then I'm sorry but they are not star, they are just a poser trying hard and failing. A complete joke. Maybe that's the root of the insecurity too. The fact that they are aware of how big a joke they are. Pathetic. Nothing spells an abject loser like a try harding braggart.

Meh - anyone who tries to dim your shine is not worth a dime.  🤷‍♀️

Missing me

Read some random banter memes and was wondering how long it's been since I actually had an engaging conversation like that with someone. I really miss that. Just being absolutely in the middle of an extremely fun conversation with lots of friendliness and laughter and clever lines and such. Mhhmmmm. It's been ages since I met someone clever like that tbh. I used to looove that battle of wits and repartee ugh. Where in life did I get so lost that I have lost touch with all these things that made me so happy? Dayum. 

I miss debating, I miss funny stuff, I miss having these engaging convos that last for days on end and most of all, I miss the person I used to be when in the midst of all this. Fuck. Feels like the last few years have been a starvation mode of who I used to be. Haven't been able to express any of this in sooooo long. Heh. I want a nice, long banter sess just to feel a bit alive lmao. 

P - I know what is bothering you and what you think is responsible for this too. 

Sustenance

M is coming back and both me and her bf are so excited to go pick her up and chill with her. This is how it should be. Happy to have someone around and looking forward to being nice to them. I wanted to meet her at the airport, so does he. We both just love her. And this is what loving someone is, the desire to be kind to them and missing them when they aren't around. 

I would never in my dreams think of ignoring her or belittling her to make myself feel good. Not once. She is such a precious person to me, I want nothing but the best for her. The way I feel towards her and towards people I love is how I want people to think about me as well. I have strong friendships, lasting friendships, and I plan on making every equation I have worth its weight in gold. 

Sucks that I have to use this as a reminder but so it goes. Well, atleast I have a model of how I'd like to be treated. Years ago I wrote about how I'd like a guy to see me, and I'd like to add to it... I want whoever ends up being the one in my life to see me how I see and treat my friends. Care about them, about their feelings. Want to be nice, want to know about their lives, be interested and be supportive. Rest of the stuff we can deal but there will be no more room in my life for disrespectful behaviour, manipulation, rage or any form of meanness. I will leave at the first sign of it. No exceptions. 

Yep. This is exactly what I'm looking for. ♥️

When you worry lots and lack sleep to the point that you get all puffy and get perpetual dark circles. Fuck. Looking crazy haggard these days, really need some sunshine in life.

I keep having this dream of being in a place where you go down a few stone steps and there's a beach across. When the tide comes in, it's hard to go down the steps and there are usually a couple of guards that stop you. Otherwise you can go down and you'd be met with a huge expanse of water. 

I've never had a dream in which I crossed through, but always stood on top of the steps, usually around twilight or early morning. It looked so beautiful and serene. I don't know where I know this image from, but it always comes back in my mind. 

Grief has a strange way of removing fears and desires. This thing with L, grotesque as it is, has been making me feel quite listless along with numb. Strange is life. 

I was feeling so bad about L. And I thought okay life is short let me just say hi to this guy. It's been ages. And then woke up early and saw he was working so checked it out for 2 mins. And there he was... Nicely telling people he has to go for social events. Must be code for getting laid lol. 

I have no words anymore. I feel very betrayed. Heh. 

Idk. A person I used to really love might die. It's been wrecking me so much. All year I have thought about how finite life is. It's so gutting to realise. But what little time we all have, I don't want to spend just being treated badly by people I do my best for and am nice to. I can't unsee any of this any longer. The fact that someone might be hiding me from some girl, or just simply finds it easy to tell me they can't even say hi to me and then just doesn't speak to me for a month and now this. It's so so so bad. I can't pretend like it isn't hurtful. And what's the goal here... to prove I'm not worth a single text, a single phone call, a single email response? And maybe that was the goal. To hurt me. Idk man... You should not be so insecure as to do this stuff. Or whatever it is that makes it so hard for him to be caring. Or the need for this much paranoia and arrogance. But at the end of the day, I'm not looking to be held prisoner at the periphery of someone's life, eventually the hurt caused will simply turn to indifference. And if someone is so resistant to it, then even I don't want it tbh. I've never liked to go anywhere I'm not wanted infact. Funny thing is I only ever said hi to him on my own after months cuz I was sure by then he wanted me to. Otherwise I was happy to pretend to be a boy online and do my own thing tbh. I'm surprised it hasn't turned to indifference already, but I chose to trust him when he tried to show that he is a good guy, cuz he made such an effort to do so. I don't know if it was just an act now lol. I chose to trust the intent but idk now if the intent is just self serving. Because at the end of the day, all the intent etc can just be denied. And what I'm left with us just a person who doesn't ask about me, thinks it's okay to give me silent treatment and in general seems very incapable of actually showing me care directly. It's all in the shadows with plausible deniability. And I fear being in a spot which is like this. These aren't questions I should have or fear for my emotional safety either. But this lack of transparency has kinda taken it's toll too. It's simply not fair to me. And I'm soooo tired. I am. I guess this is the part of me I both love and fear. The part that doesn't seem to quit on people easily. But life should not be about how much you can take before you quit. And if you are the kind of man that can willingly put me in some box to be used as needed, then what does that even make you? And why should I be okay with it? All this just comes across as narcissistic and I know that a narcissist is prone to diminishing and abusing people in their lives. I'm not going through that ever again. And it should not feel like wow how nice everytime some basic niceness is shown to me. I'm done with shitty treatment and I'm not going to allow it any longer. That's just wrong. I'm not obligated to care, it is a privilege not a compulsion. It's funny but a lot of the times I meet people who drive me to indifference and I end up wondering to myself like why? Why was it so hard to be nice when you had the chance? I was always good to you.🤷‍♀️ But I fully acknowledge that I'm at fault here too for sticking around that long when I can see they are being mean. 

~

Hmm. I don't know if I'm objectively right here. And I'm not exactly angry either. I guess I'm just disappointed and a bit sad. I don't think life should be complicated by all this ego. And maybe the intent is not to be vicious either but two years of someone just never asking me a single thing about me took it's toll. That's why it feels like trying to clutch at straws and I mean. The truth is, if he cares about me as a person, wanted me in his life... This would not be how he chose to behave. Men in general are a lot more soft and kind to women. All my friends are. And all guys do know how to do that when they want, except the nasty ones who want to hurt women. I don't know if he falls in the latter category, I sincerely hope not. And I don't think he is either. I think he is just fearful and selfish at times and that clouds his judgement maybe, and then he simply doesn't know how to fix stuff. That is possibly the problem, him just not knowing how to fix stuff lol. But he is 41 and he should have learnt by now. Anyway, it is how it is I guess. I am releasing myself of this burdensome feeling and I'm going to not be angry at him or anything. Life is too short for that too lol. It's best not to have grudges and it's best to keep things simple and tidy. In the end, I feel like life has a way of restoring balance in one way or another and it will.

It's not possible for me to ever love a man who tries to strip me of my dignity or who doesn't provide the kind of respect and loyalty I seek. I can put up with a lot, but a safe haven, that's built on a firm foundation of care and respect and consideration is all I want and I know now that my heart will not allow me to ever suffer indignities, I'll simply rather be alone than lose myself in an uncaring hell hole. This I'm sure of. 

~

I will say hi this time around, cuz life is short. But I will not pretend to myself anymore that bit by bit this kinda behaviour has chipped away at my sense of safety and security. And long term, I will only be around people who welcome me and actively seek to keep me in their lives. Seeing L and seeing her life makes me want to be nothing like her ever, nor do I want to be in overly dramatic situations or any of that bs. Just peace. 

Until then, que sera sera.

One way to beat the blues fuck it. 6 mins left. Let's gooo. 

Song of the day:

Zemlya

It's strange how certain things serve to give you perspective on life. Like it's so bizarre. Two of my friends found out about L's diagnosis. Immediately bombarded me with questions about it. 

And I now I have to withstand any incoming questions about reaching out to her etc because people knew we were close. I decided not to, and I don't want to share the reasons why because it doesn't feel right to torch her reputation as a justification to strangers or to let them into a part of life and reasoning that I simply do not want to revisit. Nor do I want to intrude on her family at this time, her mum in particular must be extremely devasted and would want to know why I chose to leave and I simply can't tell her the truth. 

It's such a singularly strange position to be in, because people just end up wanting you to either behave a certain way or want to know what your reasons are for not wanting to.

Simply leaving it alone or understanding how it feels is a no go for a lot. My feeling and past are mine to protect and I do not like intrusions from people I'm not close to, yet telling them that becomes some very strange thing which I simply do not want to do. It's so fucked up man. On top of it, I am legitimately devastated about it. The more I read about Leukemia, the worse it gets and I just can't imagine how tough this is going to be. Fuck dude. 

There are so many crossroads in life. And it's so hard for me to pick my own side, especially as on the other side there's a person I have cared about so deeply. I can't in good conscience be there or reconnect knowing I don't actually want to be in this person's life. It's my fault for always picking people who don't care about me maybe. A very bad mistake on my part, but at the time I didn't know it was a mistake. Hmmm. Even now, I think I do make that kind of a mistake. I should, to the best of my ability atleast, keep a distance from people I don't like. And even if I like them, I should hold back till there's a genuine established give and take between us. I want to nurture strong bonds but they need to be two way. 

Why does growing up mean having to take hard calls? I don't like it. It just sucks man. But it's best to attain a balance where you feel nourished and not cornered. Heh. I guess half my life I used to feel like I had to hide my feelings and keep them to myself purely cuz it felt the same as being cornered. And I would get all territorial about them cuz I didn't want anyone to see me vulnerable. How sad. Even now... I'm not telling anyone other than M how I feel, but the fact that a person has hurt me so much and most noone even knows it, is just me being territorial about my vulnerability that I wish not to share with anyone other than my close circle. I'm glad I have them and I don't have to ever hide anything from them.

Anyway, I will try my best from now. Idk what else to say or do also now. Just wishing the best for her mum and dad. My heart breaks thinking about how horrid it'll be for them and that's what actually hurts me the most tbh.