Smyslov v Fisher

Checking out one game of theirs from 1970. Good golly. Fisher is just insane, the way he dismantled that position. I don't even have the skills to appreciate how in depth that calculation ability for him must be, literally spotted one weakness and attacked the fuck out of Smyslov. I can imagine how crushing it must feel to have an ending position that's basically so limp, you'd want to spit out of disgust. And these are the greats in the world, so if Fisher can do that to them, that's like 😭💀. Terrifying chess.

Hmmm. Beginning to understand how daunting the idea of facing him must be for people. Anyway, saving just to look at it some other time and crying about how helpless chess can make you feel. So many powerplays in a board game lol. 

Anyway, lemme check out more of these Fisher destructions. Chinese buildings must have toppled slower than some of Bobby's opponents. 💀

Finally a good night's sleep. Feels nice for a change. Ugh just wanna cuddle in my blankets and snooze more lol. Yumm

Oooh and it's stonu's birthday todayyy... woohooo. Been ages since I spoke to her. Nice, I shall do that 😁

Tigist Assefa

What an absolute legend man. Holy fuck. 

2.11.53

Take a bow. 

You know what, time to shrug off this mehness. Life's too short, no point wasting it feeling blah. 

I'll call Raves tomo, get some good recos for recuperation, fix my injury and get back to working out properly. Plus I can depend on him , long as he isn't fighting  or making up with his gf, he should find the time to research and come through for me. It's nice to have dependable friends, I'm glad! ☺️ 

I'll gift him a nice bottle of wine someday for his troubles.

Franny and Zooey

"I'm sick of just liking people. I wish to God I could meet somebody I could respect."

"I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody."

"I’m just sick of ego, ego, ego. My own and everybody else’s. I’m sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting. It’s disgusting."

"And I can't be running back and fourth forever between grief and high delight."

When I first read this book, I was all of 17?! Somewhere around that. And none of it made sense to me. I was just like why tf is she complaining so much, how fucking self indulgent. I got back to it at around 19 and it kiiinda made sense to me but not quite. Years later, every second word makes sense. Perspective, really gets you good. The kicker? I suppose I'm being self indulgent too. Except this time it's out of sheer exasperation. But self indulgence nonetheless na? Lol. Whiny like the protagonist. 

What can I even say? 

Bleh, also need to find some yoga and stretching exercises for myself. Atleast gotta take care of the necessary before washing away in a sea of irritation. Hmm. I think I'll ask Raves for some recos maybe, he works out lots so he would have some recommendations.  

Dirk Gently

"There are some people you like immediately, some whom you think you might learn to like in the fullness of time, and some that you simply want to push away from you with a sharp stick."

Lol, as usual Adams hitting the nail on the head. Now...if only I had the discernment of figuring out who goes into what category, I'd be a whole new person. 

BC

Dude my leg just hurts so damn bad fuckfuckfuck. Can't even sleep the pain is so intense. Tf is going onnnnn.

From sleepless nights to existential crises to injuries to cranky moods, Nietzsche got it right when he said " to live is to suffer ". 

Who can I flip off out of spite to ease this suffering though? 😶

TO WHOM DO I REGISTER MY COMPLAINT

Fams

Maybe the fact that one of my parents has such strong narcissistic tendencies is the very reason why I am so self sufficient. It's interesting - the more observant I've become - the easier it got to deal and separate myself from this influence. I don't feel powerless anymore, on the contrary I feel perfectly fine and centered and capable. 

I'm glad. I've worked really hard to change the narrative and determine what I need, want and deserve in life. And I won't compromise on that front.  For once, I can say that honestly and know that it'll hold true from now onwards.

Plus you know what? I trust myself to make the right choices when push comes to shove. I've always had the strength to have people's backs when they needed me to and I've also had the strength to have my own when that was needed for me as well. So I know I'll be fine. 

Yay, go me! 💪🏼

Sway

Funny how you randomly find a song and it makes the world upright again. Lmao. Music is so damn powerful, and such a huge part of my life. 

Con te partiro

Some cuss word idk

Another late night. Ugh. I want to talk to someone sensible and get some perspective and feedback. Hmm. Lol, I've never actually reached out to anyone for advice in my life, have I? Feels so weird. None of my friends think like me so they just won't understand. Sometimes I wonder if the problem is me or is it the whole world you know. The one thing I do miss from my earlier friend group was that there was a sense of intellectual satisfaction from some of them. I hate to say it that way, I really do. But idk. I really miss having people to bounce ideas off of, who had some interesting povs at the very least. 

What do I do? Maybe it would help to just write down bullet points and try to reach to the bottom of it. Atleast accurately defining the problem might help. Lmc. And I have to remember to eat properly too, I've just been avoiding food randomly. I barely have an appetite this past week. Istg I'm just gonna go get a drink or something, will give me a change of pace at the very least. 

Light up

Reading Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid. There's such nice everyday humor in it, the writing style is warm and sunshiny. When he talks about the 50s and 60s with all the new inventions and the middle class having access to them, it gives me a sense of wonderment and nostalgia for a time I wasn't even alive in. I've often thought about 70s and 80s being the cool decades but never stopped to think of the ones prior. 

Like how amazing would it have been to be there to witness the birth of a light bulb. Having electricity at night, hearing a human voice over a radio, seeing television for the first time. Fuck. Even a telephone. Aeroplanes. 

The world is so oversaturated now and the inventions are so deep that only subject matter knowledge is what will help discern the wow factors. Hmmm. I think I've discovered a more layered meaning behind the phrase "ignorance is bliss". People have the audacity to scoff at elon's last space shuttle launch like it isn't quite literally one of the most insane pieces of engineering out there. I remember how much the media pushed the narrative of it being a failure when it was anything but. So damn crazy. Just blew my mind at how easily people adapt to new tech to consider it commonplace, when there's quite literally a teeny chunk of population that actually has the skill set to make it happen. Hmmm. 

One of the things I feel would be extremely profound would be space travel, whenever that happens. I've often fantasized about the overview effect and in some small way I understand what it tries to convey. But to actually witness it. Omg. I think my heart would break and heal in the same instant. 

Oh man, and then imagine it becoming commonplace and people complaining about wait times and slow flights. 💀

Seeing the earthrise same as sunrise and dismissing it. Lmao. I bet that would happen. 

Ugh. Okay I'll go read more. 

Heat

Giving my leg heat treatment, what all you gotta do for injuries man. I never had them before it's so wierd and I hate how persistent this one has been. Really need to take better care of myself from now. Plus the cold at night makes me want to snuggle in blankets forever. I don't think the temperature falls below 18-19 but still I end up 🥶

I'm just gonna cuddle and watch a nice movie in the dark tonight

Tried meditating

FELL ASLEEP

AGAIN 

Second night in a row that I can't sleep :(

What changes do I need to make to ensure I'm happy again?

I can't keep chasing ghosts, and I have to set my life in order cuz I can't just let everything slip by in a haze of " I feel bad rn "

Need to come up with some gameplan. 

Wide awake

Yet another night I'm finding it tough to sleep. I'm just... idk. I keep trying to run away from it, but I think I understand what I feel and why. 

Think I just want to laugh at myself at the moment, better than any other alternative. Lol. Just... slow claps are in order I guess. 

I'm just so sad lol

😅

Heh, funny is life isn't it?

Started pouring right on cue. Nice, atleast the weather is giving me company