My fear of failure is completely gone. Lol, took 2 years and an obscene amount of bullet and chess but yeah, I don't mind losing anymore, I just feel like doing my best. Hell yeah! Fuck. One lifelong fear routed, another one on the way. Celebrated by playing a fuckton more bullet rn lolol. Finally hitting the kind of rhythm I want in life. And idc what obstacles come my way going forward, I'm going to give the things I want my all. 💪🏼
I'm so proud of myself :)
Shelton v Djoko hahahahhahaha
This should be gooood! Love the youngling and looks like he is going to SCHOOL!!!
Wooohoo, Imma root hard for you Benny, let's gooooo!
Kinda had a really depressing talk with Di. I told her I want to get serious in life and think long term and her first response was you won't find what you are looking for. How sad is that. Especially coming from a married person. I never understood why she went ahead with her marriage if she wasn't completely into him. Even when they were dating, she kept on finding flaws. Man, I feel bad for that guy. Like instead of figuring out what you did wrong, you just want to make yourself feel better by saying others also won't get it right. Ugh. And her comments about my brothers' relationship also used to annoy me. Just cuz her ex cheated doesn't mean all people cheat or can't work on a relationship. I think it would be impolite to point that out but man, I'm a bit pissed off about this.
Not knowing what you want is one thing but just settling and then internally disliking what you settled for is so so so awful. I never understood how people just play with other peoples' lives that way. Sorry to disappoint Di, but I'd rather be single than screw someone over. You are a friend, but at the end of the day you simply don't have integrity when it comes to people and you don't have any care for anyone other than yourself. You keep using me too as your emotional crutch, I keep sensing that. I'm just so mad at you rn. I wish I could tell you that not everyone cheats either. I never have. Lol, darling, the last boy I liked didn't even feel the same about me, yet when his friends came on to me, I shut them down and never let my boundaries be crossed. And eventually stopped talking to them for that reason alone. That's loyalty, and I didn't even need a label to freely offer it to him nor does he know this. It's cuz I know right from wrong and so do all my other friends, who would have done the exact same thing as me and not indulged/ used someone just cuz they got attention from someone else when they felt unhappy. And just cuz you choose to feed your loneliness and then simultaneously judge your partner for not being all you wanted, doesn't mean the rest of us are that weak. Lol, it's funny I did all that for M...but in retrospect I wouldn't change a thing. It's fine if he didn't feel the same about me, I wouldn't betray him or anyone else just for that. Probably a good idea to pick someone that actually cares about me though next time lolol. 😝😝 Hehe, that might be a nice change of pace 👀. Oh well. Buuut, I digress.
Di - at the moment I really just wanna say a big fat fuck you to you. The worst part of people like you is how you all pretend to be nice and caring on the surface, but honestly, it's just a disappointment underneath it all.
Ugghhh.
Ok rant done, now I can chill out and get some Shelton Tiafoe action. r/tennis has Tiafoe as their pick but I think Shelly will come out guns blazing. Rooting for the youngling!
Today was so nice. Got lots done, worked out, went out for a bit, and got a little drenched lol. A friend pinged me just to check in and see what I've been upto. Said they missed hearing from me. It was so nice. Tiny gestures like that just make my day. I've noticed even Raves starts making noise if I have been a bit low key and spamming stuff. The best part of genuine people is how they just light up your life in these everyday ways. I'm glad my friend circle all make me feel valued, I never have to doubt their intentions or live in fear around them.
Hehe, making good choices ✌️
I also just saw some group post about Hikaru's wedding. His wife is Iranian, had me intrigued. I guess under his insecure persona, is a traditional guy who was also looking for stability. It's interesting to me how people choose their partners. I actually found it really nice to see who he chose, sometimes things like these tell you that the person might be juvenile but not essentially bad. He is probably just petty asf, but I'm sure his wife will smooth some of the edges out. Sometimes you need another person in your life that gives you some gentle perspective and a sense of balance. I think women do that well for men. Maybe not all of them, but usually stable, grounded women tend to have that nice calming effect on a guy. And I find it sweet when guys just listen without making a fuss about it. I've noticed when there's love between two people, the guy will implicitly know when he has to make room for growth and do it. I find it adoooorable. Maybe this is my idea of a loving marriage too. Just be the stable one for him, and he can be the reliable one for me. And once in a while he does things he doesn't want to but because I need him to cuz I'm important. Hehe, I'd like that. And both of us know when to give space and when to give in lol. Oh well, best of luck to hiki, may he have found happiness and contentment. Lol, and I hope I'm happy and content when I find my person too. I'd like to breathe easy :)
Okay time to go ouutttt, get a drink and watch Djoko Fritzzzz!!! Woot Woot!! In the mood for some good whiskey tonight! Or an Old Fashioned. Been ages since I had one!
Let's go Djokooooo! ⚔️
Why am I not finding it all that exciting this time? Pairings have been a bit dull.🤷♀️
Watching Zverev Sinner. Finally a good match up 💪🏼. Hate Zverev but he might win this. Ta tah, Sinner! 🥺
I miss being a kid. I miss the freedom of it all, the fact that there were no layers or manipulations and people were just who they were, no sneakiness or minimal sneakiness, being boisterous, loud, running around, someone always made food at home so you didn't have to do a thing except figure out when to meet friends. My earliest memories are of wanting and making new friends and loving them lots. I still remember all the kids I met when dad was in Rajasthan, Akriti - who I thought looked like an angel. Purnima, who was my bff. Kartik and Pratap, who I once kneed in the nuts by mistake while playing football with him lmao. I vividly recall hating how squishy that felt hahhahaha. Yuuuuck. Omg and when Orkut was a thing Kartik reconnected with me and wrote me such nice testimonials. And Timmy, or Tommy. One was a person the other was his dog but I forget who was who now. His mom was such a bully. She made some scones and I hated them and she made me sit at the table until I ate it and I refused so we just had a standoff. Lmao finally I fed them to Timmy/Tommy while she wasn't looking. And she had the audacity to complain to my mom that I was not eating. Fuck you lady, your eggy scones were repulsive. 🤢🖕🏼
I spent so much time in my garden, climbing that tree I loved. Kept trying to befriend squirrels cuz I thought it would be cool to have a pet squirrel that I can carry around on my shoulder. My young heart really wanted the validation of an animal's loyalty to me lol.
Ooohhh and I remember my bigtime business plan from then. Pooja, Suruchi and I were a gang and P used to get pocket money. Lmao and I convinced them we will buy knick knacks for ten bucks and sell them door to door for half off. Hahahhaha. Managed 2-3 sales and then I had the audacity to tell them both since it's my idea I get 50% of the profit while you guys split the rest. Happily made off with 2 bucks and they had one buck each. 🤣🤣. Then P's mom came to complain to mine and I had to give back my hard earned money. :( Adults are total assholes. But damn, I used to have so many random business ideas at the time. I was v inspired by all the Blytons I used to read. I remember the lending library I created and charged people to check out books. Noone fucking paid. And the puppies we rescued who lived with me and then one of them ate a sparrow while I was screaming at him to stop. That was a nightmare alright, stupid Tubby. He also ate all his sibling's food and became fat asf.
I was also super forgetful, when mum gave me money for the class picture I kept it in my book then gave the book to my teacher for correction and forgot. And I was so terrified of being scolded by my mom, I just lied and said I gave it to the teacher. Which was true, now that I think of it. Man, I was just petrified of my mom. Luckily my teacher found it so no harm lol.
A lot of these random hijinks were sooo fun. I really miss that time. I think the happiest I've ever been in life was before teenage came around. Like legit. After that it was all angst and hedonism and idk a cycle of fixing what's broken.
But meh, fuck it. I'll just go back to the start.
"Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove."
"He's a smooth-tongued, cold-eyed, hard-nosed, two-faced creep,' I said, trying to be fair.
She was puzzled. 'How is he so successful?'
'Because,' I explained, 'he's a smooth-tongued, cold-eyed, hard-nosed, two-faced creep."
Wodehouse and Yes Minister. What a combo ♥️
~
My first boss used to love Yes Minister.
He also enjoyed telling me " Age before Beauty ", while stepping aside to let me walk first through a doorway... lmao. What an ass he was!
Soooo... Hmm. Been thinking about the detective character a lil bit. I think I want to make her relatable but not in a Hercule Poirot kinda caricaturish way. An everyday person maybe? Mid 30s? Or maybe even 40s? Actually 40s seems better, I can add a layer of life experience in her. A background that justifies a keen analytical mind plus people skills. More business less corporate though. Maybe retail? But that won't have a hook in our context. And it has to be a setting where she interacts with both genders... Oooh how about an admin? Or an HR? God I hate hrs, so not that. But hey admin works. Generally overlooked, people have conversations around them, and they are kind of written off in the corporate community in a way. So that works for the silent observer kinda play. Yes. I think that is it. And I think I'd want to start her off with the first mystery on a holiday. Maybe two kids too? And an everyday kinda husband? Kids can be funny and curious and in general add a layer of wholesomeness + chaos. Usually mothers with kids get overlooked as well, so that works too. Yeah, I want that element badly, someone you don't expect could have a lot of intelligence. I want to give her no pretences, no trying to lose weight or be cool kinda energy, but instead more matter of fact and real. I definitely want the husband to dote on her, because husbands should always dote on their wives lol. And a bit of sweet romance here and there, not as a highlight but as a more character layering kinda way. And she does need an identifier. Interesting. Hmmm. I'll have to think of this more. If I make her quick witted, it'll end up looking like she is clever, so I'll give that trait to one of her kids. Maybe the daughter. Lol. Cuz the daughter I can write as myself, self buttering. Okay fair that's cool, who will know anyway? People always assume you write yourself as the main character.
Coming to plot, I think I'll need to create the characters they can meet on vacay so a mix of tourists and locals. But if I turn this into a murder mystery, how does a regular everyday person not just freak out seeing it? You would need to be a little more matter of fact right? Crap... Lol, first hurdle. Okay let me try to create the plot first, atleast a wireframe so I can see what makes logical sense. Hmmm.
Length wise, I want to keep this at 50-60k words max, that's 200-240 pages. I don't think it will be fun to read something too verbose, so this should be it.
Alrighty, let's do this.
Spoke to Mum, she is doing better now. Thank god. I just started crying on the call. I was so damn worried about her these two weeks. Mum just freaked out but she was so nice and caring. I think she has never really seen me be vulnerable. Maybe just twice in my life. Lmao, I always just put on such a tough exterior, it's such a force of habit. It's low key funny when people are stunned seeing me feel bad lol. It's so absurd it makes me want to laugh in the middle of it all. I'm a weirdo alright. 😅
Funny are the cages you put yourself in, people assume you are strong from the outside and never realise you might need support na. It's so hard for me, but in a way it was good I cried a little. I need to learn to include people in my inner space, just so they don't assume I'm just aloof or uncaring. Especially since I'm the opposite. Whaaaate jokes.
2023 - you have been changing me so damn much. Like wtf, all my barriers are melting. I've never been erratic but I guess these must be the teething issues that come with change. I'll make like Jung and observe the fuck out of them. 💪🏼 I wish the process was linear though, for someone left brained like me, there's comfort in knowing outcomes and timelines lmao.
In another leap of faith, I told M about the raising voice thing lol. Man, it took effort to say it out loud. He didn't say anything, but atleast he knows now. If he chooses not to ack or apologise it's on him, but I gotta do my bit and be fair and not just retreat everytime something stupid happens. These aren't issues that should blow so much out of proportion and I think it's also my responsibility to not let them. He should do his bit but so should I. Oh well, should be okay though, atleast I did the right thing. Anyway blah time to let it go, silly tiffs between friends do not warrant this much footage. ☺️
Okay...Oy vey!!!! Power through! You got this!
Istg I better fucking attain enlightenment at the end of this road.
