Rooting for Ryba also today oof. Wanted her to win so bad. I really like her and her stoicism find it frustrating how few rallies happen in women's tennis though. Heh. Flashback to childhood and wanting to life the wimby trophy oh man. Hehe. At some times in life you just gotta stretch to the limit. I like that idea a lot, and I am always thrilled to see people attain that. 

~

God I hate her abusive coach though what a cunt. He even kept sitting to show some dick move throughout the game and the end what a loser. Dudes like him are just jealous and insecure I feel, fucking drags. People like him are soooo talentless like they juuuust want to act like they are important. It was so disrespectful seeing him just sitting there even after she won and refusing to get up to say something nice. He was trying to make himself more important than her win like come onnnnn. Fucking loser. Gah. So annoyed seeing his shitty face 

~

That's the thing dude. You love someone you gotta show up, be nice and actually put them first. And get the fuck up you unimportant cunt, you wouldn't be sitting there if she didn't let you. All the rest of it is horse shit. Yukky bs.

Taking an auto after so long. Man, this brings back memories. Not good ones, because the driving sucks lmao. And it's still the same unruly bs. Hahahah. Fuck. Fun stuff. 

~

I want djoko to win today man. I think he deserves another one. Oh tennis gods. 

~

Heh. He did. I had a feeling all day that he would and then he did it. Damn. I'm glad. 

Building a pickleball court in my apartment. What a fucking disgrace.

~

Bday today and finally having a nice whiskey sour. yums. The drink we go to cuz an old fashioned is never available. Oh man, something about orange and whiskey is just divine. Heh. 

It feels nice.

Lol, I feel like I've finally stumbled upon some fundamental truth in life. Of the distinction between the people who choose you and cherish you and want you to be happy, and the hangers on, who want to feed off you but not make you happy. I guess goodbye is in order to the latter. Long overdue, but here it is. Heh. Fuck it, let this year be positive and happy and about being happy. Screw the rest of it forever more. After seeing the horror that continues to descend on people all of 2025 and now in their year, I'm more firm than ever in my resolve to never let anyone in my life who seeks to belittle or be cheap like that. 

~

An orange peel does wonders to a whiskey sour. Ugh. Idk why Enrique is playing and idk why I feel like fuck the past I want to venture forward now. 

Haha. 

Enjoying the feeling of this silver panther on my finger tbh. It feels so wrapped around and cosy just absolutely possessive in the best way. Love it lots. One of the few trinkets I like. I'm not one for too much show off or possessions, but a few things really have my heart. 

~

M found me death note manga like how sweet is she man. Soo soo soooo sweet ugh. All honey and spice tbh. I love her lots. Hehe. It's these little things that mean a lot to me. I really appreciate it so much when someone makes and effort for me. I'm very lucky and I'm glad I am. She was right all along, I should only have chosen people who did that for me from the start. Well. Best time to do so is now. 

♥️

Early bday present with this omg hahahah. ♥️ Flowers and a cute note is now becoming tradition and I love it a lot. 

And a cute pot tooo omggg. Love this!

Hehe, I feel happy and blessed and protective of this feeling. May there always be a circle of protection around everyone I love. 🦾♥️

Actually watched the parade today lol. After sooooo long. Heh. It's all cold still, I wonder how come. Surprising but nice. Not much to say or think of today either, just content. 

~

I have a huge crush on Macron lmao. Why is he soooo cute? Why? 😅 Heh. 

~

I smiled lots today.

Why meddy why

I expected Tien to win but not for Meddy to get destroyed and how. Sheesh. He is playing so badly I can't even hate on him jesus he needs a comeback somehow. Lmao hated him last month for that washout performance and now I'm back to swinging between hating on him and feeling bad for him. Ugh. People should fight back so you can hate on them in peace otherwise it feels like kicking a sleeping dog absolutely unethical asf. 😤

Parents' anniversary today and it almost slippe my mind. Ordered then cake last minute and then just felt bad. Like. Not for forgetting but more like I see my dad has all but mentally checked out and is simply doing things cuz he can't just leave outright. And I see my mom is always hurt by his actions but doesn't know what else to do. 

~

Idk man. I just hope I never chase love nor neglect someone the way dad does. I don't want to be like either of them. And I do not ever want to chase someone or feel deprived or crave niceness ever again... I promise myself this from here on out, never again shall I give someone a chance or want something from them until they actually make an effort and treat me right the way my brother and a lot of other guys I know do. Otherwise everyone can fuck off idc. I promise. I am shutting the door on all that's shitty here on out. Yeah like fuck it, I'm never selling myself short ever again nothing and no-one is worth that. And no narcissists ever, no immoral, low class clowns ever. It's time to pick a side and stick to it, no point giving someone benefit of doubt ever again screw that shit too. I used to hold space for people and be understanding but honestly if people are so chicken shit that they can't work on themselves and solve their own issues then well, they can fuck off and be a loser elsewhere I guess

I want djoko to win just another slam ngl. Can old man do it once more pls?

~

Other old man losing to some noob like why. Ugh. I hate him lots but I hate him losing also lmao. Complete ass. 

I'm realising how hate can be a good motivator. Every time I hear defeatist self talk by my friend a fire in me just lights up, and man. I hate her mindset so much it makes me want to run harder, do more... Do anything to get the fuck away from that bullshit lol. In a strange way that complete lack of self belief and that loser mentality is something I hate with such passion that I simply do not want to resemble anything close to that lmao. God, just fuck that stupid miserable bullshit gah! Feel like going for another run just to get away from it 🙄

Something very soothing about seeing Howell just grind for hours only for his rating to remain the same lol. Very therapeutic hahahah. Cheap thrills.

~

Heh, M and bro learning to cook from this, was talking about my love for babka and challah only to find baby bro learning to cook lol. It's cute man. I'm glad he is a well raised kid, and he knows how to be considerate and take an interest in things she likes. It comes so naturally to him as well. That's really nice, more guys should be like him. I hadn't realised how close Isrealis are to their roots but it's very nice to see. I admire how resilient they are, and how rooted. 

~

Ugh now I also want babka. It's been ages!! Only time I've liked chocolate and bread together, all others are blasphemous. Even the French don't get it right 😤

~

Back to watching boring old man chess with my coffee ☕ 

~

If I were a dog, I'd wag my tail at the thought of some people. And that feeling is a constant hehe. I hope M is also as nice as my brother says she is, it'll be good to have another person to be fond of! ♥️ Hehe, atleast one M in my life needs to be wholesome hahahaha... Please universe! 

Guy Ritchie is such a goated filmmaker. He does so many things soooo well. I really should do a marathon movie sess someday and see these back to back. Heh. I love so then so much. I should watch all those oldies like Rocky also, idk why I've never seen these. They are just such boy films lol. Hence the resistance. Even loved the old Bond films. Hmmm. Some weekend. SH and I used to do this sooo much. We were total movie buffs, him more than me though. I guess now things are different. Don't know too many folks who like movies. Sadge. 

~

I'd like to actually like being around some movie buffs for a change. 

Paging Dr. House

Hugh Laurie is SO HOT. Oof. Those eyes, that face, that voice. Everything about him is just 🤌

~

I have an affinity for flawed characters to an extent. Not too flawed, but just enough. And bonus points for that witty way of speaking oof. Heh. I remember crushing hard even at this fellow's humor and way of speaking from back when he was more cutesy and less angsty haha. Adorable. That slow nagging thing he could do and it comes soooo naturally to him.Wish he was more on that side now. Meh. False hopes. Maaan. It's kinda like that jesse Eisenberg way of speaking. I just love it soooo much. Wit and sharp minds are total KRYPTONITE. Even think Howell is quick and witty tbh. Like his humor as well. Very low key funny and wholesome. 

~

Anywayyy...back to Laurie! Legit fine actor tbh. And SO 🥵 🤌

Trying out electrolytes for the first time wuuut. Tastes so bad yukky. I hope my cramps are simply cuz I'm dehydrated. Someone was spamming me reels of people running 5k and drinking in the middle of it and I was like wuuut... I'd just throw up straight. Can't even imagine this bullshit. Also, why, whyyy would you ever want to do something so stupid it doesn't even take long to run a 5k just finish it and then drink like... 💀 

Oh fuck, naro's cause of death came out. Damn man. Straight up drugs wtf. Shit. This is so bad

I don't even know what mitragynine is. Fuck man, I remember seeing an old interview of his where he looked like he lost a shit ton of weight and that usually indicates drugs, but never once did I think it'll be straight up meth like what the actual fuck. I thought some stupid stuff for adhd and lack of food.

~

It's crazy how people seem normal and bright and then do this to themselves idk what to even think. I don't understand. How can you have all that you want in the world and then damage yourself like that? This is so fucked up. I wish they hadn't released cause tbh, would have been a lot better without people speculating. Terrible way to go. I feel sad now. I hate krams though, I feel like he picked a nerve that hurts the most and kept pressing like the fucktard he is, and he still won't stop. What a ghoul. Some people are literal dementors.

Song for Zula

 Phosphorescent

There was a time when I liked this song lots. Listening again and I don't resonate as much. Heh. A journey in words and lyrics. Feels strange at times. 

Heh. 

The first one is minimal and a bit pastel like and so I dig. The other is just so goofy and that smile. I like simplicity, it's the basis for trust.

COME TO ME ILL GIVE YOU LOVE AND HUGS.  

And I will never let you be down on yourself, never eva eva again.

~

Heyyy Lazarus. Heh. Porcupine Tree for the win. I'm glad I grew up on classic rock and alt rock and the likes. Steven Wilson for the win here. Blackfield, pineapple thief, dream theatre... How much I used to listen to them. Aviv Geffen collabs are so nice. Should listen again.

Funny how both these songs have moonlight in it. I like. I guess the softness of nighttime has this eerie whispery romance to it. It won't burn you. Come to us, Lazarus. I don't know too many biblical references, but I find myself gravitating towards learning some more. Feel like stories teach us a lot, and if we weren't forced to adhere, we might just willingly love. 

~

Man, some rock music had absolutely megalomaniacal lyrics. So all encompassing, cringe and fun. In Absentia and such. 

Trains

Still like the interlude in the middle.

Interesting. Lmc how Poets of the fall hold up. Carnival of rust it issss. Let's goooo

Hiding

I am straight up avoiding answering damn. I  don't recall the last time I behaved this way with someone but man. I just do not know what else to do. I am completely not on board with forced closeness, I hate it and I don't like being in a spot where being rude is the only option. 😔 I do not know what to do. Damnation. 

~

Fuck it, embracing shamelessness what else can I do. I absolutely do not wish to deal with her I just do naaaat. Outrageous. 

~

It actually stresses me out man. Like. Hmmm. I don't know how to mitigate that. I really don't. Shit dude. It's an odd thing to do, to be this averse to stuff but I just am. I used to think I let things build up without addressing them until I'm saturated then I just quit. But I don't think that's accurate, I guess I just wait around to see if things change but when they don't and people treat me badly I just shut down and then stop wanting to engage. Also, people are fucking nuts what is up with thaaat. Huh? Huh? Why are people sooooo weird and nuts like whooooooo gives grief for all the shit she gave me grief for and now she is telling me HER GRANDMOTHER IS SICK. like. What even. Fuck. I am so annoyed even hearing this ngl. Barely two hours after my akka was cremated this woman was straight up giving me ultimatums saying talk to me or else and now showing up out of the blue and saying hey wanna catch up. Fuck me. Ugh. Ok rant done. Sheesh. 

~

Closeness can be tricky. If you don't feel at ease with someone then it feels like some obligation to be a certain way and I hate that... I hate feeling like I'm catering to someone and a lot of times controlling people react in such strong ways that I feel like I give in just to avoid conflict and then resent them later. Terrible. 

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Lesson to learn. Skip town if you feel threatened. That's is. Idc that's who I am now lol. Fuck it yo. Fuck eeettt. No point to stress. I says this while hiding on signal and avoiding insta and WhatsApp when I can lmao. Fucksies. I am quite pathetic lmao. Idc man, I want to be treated right and this simply isn't it. I want only niceness :(