Djoko Rafa omggggggg. AAAAAAAAAAA

dammit one last time oof. Love it

Whistle whistle cheer

Once I had a love and it was a gas

Soon turned out had a heart of glass

Seemed like the real thing only to find

Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

In between

What I find is pleasing and I'm feeling fine

Love is so confusing there's no peace of mind

If I fear I'm losing you it's just no good

You teasing like you do

💃💃💃

~~

I want wine. 🍷 

Aaaaand

I LOVE THIS SONG SOOOO MUCH AFTER SOOOO LONG OMGGGG

Can't take my eyes

Ta da ta da ta da da da da.

Omgggg I can dance across a room to this with someoneeeeeee

I LOVE YOU BAAABAYYYY. 

Swaaaaayyyyy 

Let me looooove youuuu

Hmmm.

Today I told him what was on my mind after eons. And midway I was like yeah it's okay he should know and I should also not be afraid of speaking up. Bottling it for months then suddenly spewing it out of the blue is also not cool. It might blindside someone. For once, neither of us got heightened or lash out at the other haha. It gets tough when both folks are emotional about the same thing. Maybe. I guess it comes down to safety also. In blaming him, and choosing not to communicate I was denying myself a sense of safety. And in anticipation of a torrent of emotions it probably threatens his. Lol. A clusterfuck. Truly. 

Heh. I don't know man. I think it's not wrong for me to expect a ' glad I know you too ', happy you are in my life etc. Because I do express care cuz I genuinely do otherwise I'm also detached and can be. So it's up to him really. The parts where I need to feel good is for him to take the lead on. 

But anyway, as for the rest of it... I think I'm just gonna let go of all expectations and let things flow on their own. A genuine equation has to arise out of genuine fondness and a desire to be close, everything else is simply control and coercion and that's not good for anyone. So let me just stay in my lane and focus on being happy and grounded. I want niceness and consideration, I'm happy to offer the same in return along with transparency and openness. If he brings that to the table, great. If not, I'll keep the space open for whoever naturally fits in there. But I'm not going through life feeling unacknowledged ever again. I'd like to experience wholeness and wholesomeness and if I'm making as much effort in being understanding, I suppose fairplay states the other person also does their bit. 

Plus my litmus test in the end is simple - is this person showing behaviour that I'd be okay exposing a child to? That's been a good north star to understand what is right treatment v what is not. I don't care if I never have kids but I will not spend my life around people who treat me badly. Friends or otherwise. I think that much should not be off the table. 

I don't take any of this lightly. 

Anyway, let me not get carried away and label stuff and take it on faith this one last time that it was simply avoidance that made him that way and that he understood what I said and will make the necessary changes. If not, then 🤷‍♀️

Whatever else happens, happens. 

Que sera sera. That's a fucking good motto to follow.

Nothing as nice as just feeling tired and sleepy by the end of the day. Whew. These rainy days make me not wanna leave the quilt too heh. 

Assholes

Day in and day out. I see posts on Kramnik and hiki etc. See that fabi dates 17yos and is friends with that sexual assaulter Alejandra. No way he didn't know what was happening. So many many problematic people. I don't know if it's chess that makes them that way. Sometimes I think it does, because they tie their self worth to their play. But they way they behave is so utterly horrible. If I had a kid, I would be ashamed if they turned out to be adults like them. Honest to god. A grown man of 40+ accusing a 10yo publicly of cheating no proof no actual evidence just straight up worldwide broadcasting shit about a child. Inviting shitty bullies all over to do the same. It's just abusive and how. And the fact that someone that old just doesn't get why it's even wrong to do so. It's one thing to suspect something. But quite another to try and steamroll someone's career, much less someone that's a baby. And it's laughable to imagine a 10 yo child being diabolical enough to get away with fooling algorithms. Maybe these people simply have zero idea how algos work but still. Just the idea that such abusive behaviour is the norm is so fucked up tbh. He got his ass handed to him by that IM. Didn't once say sorry or that okay well played. No, he just dug in more and kept finding excuses. Such a sorry state of affairs. 

Hmmm. Seriously man. If any kid of mine grew up to be an adult like this I'd consider myself a complete failure as a parent. 

Funny how tennis never had such stupidity. Barring some tiffs here and there, noone starts saying do drug tests on people like Alcaraz just when he wins. In fact most of them do share a camaraderie. I guess I just prefer tennis players overall tbh. Hardwork plus good attitude. Lol. No way the moms of FedEx or Carlitos are ever going to think they fucked up as parents lol. 

It's such a sad thing dude. I'm sorry the chess world is so petty. They are such complete assholes most of them. I can't even imagine being accused of cheating, let alone this way. Fuckers. I get why most chess folks start to keep to themselves when they are faced with such toxicity too, who wouldn't? Yukkies. 

Heh. From loving the game to hating the players. What a joke. 

Finally

After close to two months of feeling like shit I have started to feel a bit better. Damn man. It almost felt like some light had just gone out of my life or something. Crazy. I've never actively been down like this before. How tf do people who have actual depression even deal with it holy balls. It's scary. 

Anyway, time to put it all behind and just reach a happy space again. No more getting stuck, build some momentum and rise and shine. 

Oh well, song for the night:

You'd be so nice to come home to

There's an old, old, old world girl inside of me, one that loves nice music, dancing against someone's chest and a whole lot of oldish world romance. Ting ting ting tingle. 

Sweep me away.

Holy crap joy... Where hast thou been? I missed these so damn much, NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN. FFS. 

Fuck it

Fuck the turmoil, fuck the sadness, fuck people who are mean, and fuuuuuck the world. Idgaf. 

Tired of being sad, tired of wondering if someone is nice nice nice no no no no...not a narcissist, not a cheat, not evil... no, nein nyat...Niceee. Say it to me slowly, whisper it again and again so I believe. 

Make me believe. :) lel. Can you?

I could die tomo, so could you. That's the fucking truth and the north star I've lived by. Sucks, but that's why I care and don't quit and I don't let myself just be meeeeeaaaaannn. So many fucking times in my life I chose to stand by and let it slide and I always will cuz nothing else feels right but damn the universe has a way of testing that fucking resolve all the goddamn time. Heh. Fuck you too universe, I'll win against you too. Suck it. Idgaf. 

Here. 

Rhye - Taste

Play me. 

And let me lie down. 

~

Hurt me again, and I will set you free. And I will never look back. Promise. 

~

Meanwhile, 

The engineer in me loves this song. 

A journey to Reedham

Take a bow, squarepusher, you outdo yourself, what a composition. Bring the chaos together, and bind it with your beats. I love the jazz version more cuz jazz has my heart but dayum to be able to create this oof. 

Gotta go back to music...my one true love. 

~

Aaaaand I will label myself art because why tf not. 💋♥️

Cheers to signature red. 

Cherry cherry cherry indeed. 

The importance of Niceness

Hmmm. I know chess can be frustrating. But lately, all this random ignoring and acting out is getting a bit much tbh. And adding it on when I already told him about L's cancer thing and how bad I was feeling is just taking being insensitive to a whole new level. 

~

I was wondering why I feel annoyed by it... It's cuz it's very dismissive. Usually if someone is pissy about something they just either communicate it openly or cool off and say something to show that they are normal. Here, it feels like... I'm gonna give silent treatment and then you only reach out etc. It would be juvenile if some teenager did this, but for a 41 yo to be this immature is weird. 

If I pull back, it's only cuz I get tired of being the one doing the work and I feel like okay this is the space for you to and this is the space where it should be you but then it just goes into tantrum mode of wanting me to be the one to say hi. And a lot of the times it feels like deliberately mean also, with the whole I'm gonna not only give curt replies, ignore half of what you say etc. 

Like where is the bit where you ask me how I'm doing? How I've been? Anything at all about me , any conversation that's actually about me? Like not even once in two + years? 

~

Aiyoooo. 

Just. Lmao. Idk what to do with him sometimes it's frustrating. 

You should not test someone's care by throwing tantrums you should seek to make them feel happy and comfortable with you so that the bond can grow and thrive. His way feels like I'm gonna stamp on this plant repeatedly, refuse to water it, then get angry cuz it's dying. 💀

Like bruh..it would do the opposite if you actually showed it the kind of care it needs. When will you figure that out?

~

Well I atleast told him that not in so many words but called it out. I think maybe I should also do that more instead of keeping it to myself. Lol. Both are being avoidant in this. And that's stupid on both our parts. Ugh. It's my Achilles heel though. If I feel someone is being uncaring I just hate it and then feel like maybe I should not invest my time and emotions with them. And that's fair. I think I will end up pulling back if things stay this way because honestly it's not worth it to be hurt randomly and then have little to no recompense. Feels very soul sucking. And if I detach these parts of me then de facto it will mean that I don't give a shit about him and that will just make me indifferent. Idk man... It's for him to figure out I can't do it for him and I'm not holding myself hostage for someone if they can't be caring I just do nooooot have the patience for it. I want peace, stability and solidity in my equations and I will not settle for less any longer. 

Woke up at 4 am and worked out promptly. Was thinking to myself... I feel like doing my best and being better when I feel like I have a larger purpose. I have never coveted anything in this world tbh. To a point where people around me would always wonder why because everyone took it for granted that being smart meant you want the bigger slice of pie and I've never wanted that at all. But what I do love is doing my best for people I care about. Building something for them, for the community around me, being helpful, being strong... All of that is very outward driven for me. I feel like since you have finite time, atleast spending it so life is better for everyone with you in it is worthwhile. Even if I was building a company or a business, I think my end goal would remain the same...to get to the top simply to impact the community around me. I hope someday I get a chance to change things for the better for some people atleast. I would love that. I'd like to do this via making education possible and accessible maybe. Rn it is a very nascent dream, but as I gather my wits and get to solidity, I think it is a dream that I would like to fulfill. 

I think everyone needs a leg up and someone to believe in them. I believe from the bottom of my heart that no matter the odds, people can over come them with a little help and encouragement. My last company... I saw VC, a guy who was barely few years older. Top B schools, generally a typical management guy who was nice as well as driven. And then turned out he had polio. A disease I thought was eradicated tbh. And it felt so fucked to see. Until then I had never suspected that he might come from a place where his parents were so neglectful or that he must have really had to leave that impairment aside to do his best. It's not easy, but these small instances in life really tell you a lot about people. 

I've had the luxury of a good life, of being able to do as I please. Not many have it. But for what it's worth, I'd like to atleast be able to give back in some shape or form. To my family, to my friends, to people who have been there for me. I'd like to be a rock for them. And take care of them and genuinely just make sure whoever is in contact with me atleast feels a sense of happiness that they met me. That would make me very happy to know that I achieved that on balance. Heh. Maybe I am my grandad's granddaughter after all. He might have been a semi influential man, but more than anything he was an honest man. Never did anything wrong, didn't exploit his power, took only what was given and never more, and helped everyone around him. I admire and respect that. I didn't know him too well, but this is my idea of him and I'd like to believe I'm right. More importantly, it's my idea of what's right in life and I would like to live that thought. 

Soulmate

 Totally my spirit animal lol. What a cutie

Stupid weather making me sick. Ugh. Fever and cold and just wanna cuddle. Crazy how a bit of rain makes everything so cold.

That account popped up on my feed again and I  remembered that shit this guy pulled with that shreya girl and how he got her to delete her comments and then delete herself from that account itself for a bit. A few weeks ago when I saw that I was so weirded out and shocked. Reading that post again today and it feels like meh. People will do what they want. It's all so childish and silly too. All of it. The hiding, the sneakiness, deception what have you... whatever it is...everything. It's just... Whatever I guess.

Going to such lengths to hide stuff is just kinda sad.

And I just don't care at all about all this childishness and I'm over all this weirdness tbh. There's no need for hiding me from someone or someone from me or any of this, I'm not his mistress for him to go to such lengths to keep me away from his life and idk, after seeing L etc I just feel all this bs in life is simply not worth it. It could have been me who got it too and the idea that someone can be stuck thinking he needs to not reach out to me, or has to hide his life from me or just give busy kinda excuses yadayada is a bit too lame tbh. Blah. I can't help him understand any of this, you either get it or you don't. So sad no. If it was me and I don't tell I could just die and he would be sitting there thinking mean thoughts about me trying to ignore me to prove how he doesn't care about me. Lol. Funny. Tragic that it feels like it might be a distinct possibility. 

...

Lol. What a weirdo he is. Idk why he has to hide so much like what is there to even fear? Feels like at times that he is ruled by a lot of fears tbh. I realised he hates confrontation so runs away from it. V avoidant, but you should not feel so unsafe in everything. It's almost like some ptsd and phobia for him and I can't imagine why. Really sad though. Can't imagine someone living with such paranoia and the need to hide stuff about themselves. Bizarre. 

Like it's okay if there's a tiff here and there, that's just life. Well, I hope he works on his issues idk what else to say. Heh. Sometimes it used to make me v angry which is unlike me but then realised that maybe I'm dealing with someone with a lot of personal issues or something. Hmmm. Well, I can't make him feel safe but by now he should just feel so on his own. Or maybe he is doing something shady lmao. Who knows with guys? Anyway,  I'm v forgiving and I'm quite soft on the inside but you gotta be able to be decent and be honest and open otherwise what's even the point. Especially reaching out. It's fucked up that he has the same trait as A and it's v worrying cuz I can't deal with another narcissist again man. It's extremely red flaggy that he hasn't done it once in two years that is not normal. And I am sure as shit not his past or evil in any way. So it's v bizarre to be like this. Tired of feeling like he thinks I might be or whatever. Blah. Fuck it.  Anyway, so it goes. 

~

You know what I would have liked tbh? A little appreciation actually. Like thank you Prajakta for being there for me, thank you for caring about my well being, thank you for reaching out always and caring about me and being in my corner. Thank you for always being supportive of me. Because I have done all that and I always will, but a little bit of acknowledgment goes a long way. Those are the words that would have actually touched my heart tbh. Randomly ignoring me or acting like what I have to say has no value and all that is just soooo... well in his words kinda mocked. You can't always just be about you, at times you gotta also ask about the other person. When someone's a good friend to you, you should also be nice to them...Well. Everyone should learn the value of appreciation and showing someone you value them. Light heartedness, happiness, laughter, positivity, value, consideration... All of that would have been nice. 

Oh well... Life should be simple and from my side it is and has been. Rest of it is not my issue. 🤷‍♀️

Drives

I have a special love for long drives. Open roads, good music and just a lovely sunny day. 

Plus I get to look at the sky and spot the different types of clouds I once painstakingly taught myself, and it's a teeny bit of info that is just so special to me idek why. 

What's the greatest book ever written and what makes it great? 

I don't know. Might be many contenders. For me, the ones I've loved are either ones that made me think lots or ones whose plots were so well crafted that the artistry got to me. 

Really hard to find series that you can just dig into though. The last I loved is maybe open, which I read incessantly. But really want to find more that are meaty. 

Anyway, new day... Enough moping and existential crisis lol. Let's do the best you can and just be happy from now. Can't change what's happened, but can try to make the future better and more mindful. 

Enough of grief and feeling low too dayum. It's been so rough these few weeks. Idk when this heaviness will fully lift, I'm trying my best but it creeps in when I don't expect it. I guess it also tells me how much I cared about that asshole woman lmao. I did, I do. And I can't bear to think of it anymore. But I gotta come to terms with it and I have to allow myself to grieve when needed too. 

Hmmm. In the interim... here's to letting the past go, to rest, and genuine happy peace and stability. Let's atleast start to try for it all from now.

Cheers. 

Everytime I think about L, it shatters my day all over again. I told M about it too, didn't say much but mentioned it. Didn't really expect him to say anything anyway. 

Anyway, idk. I guess it's life? What can we do in any of this except just deal with it? I'm not even sure what I feel anymore. I don't have any anger towards her, mostly cuz it just feels pointless now. 

That's the thing with getting older, life seems more and more finite. It's something I've always been aware of, but never as acutely. I just want the best for everyone I love. I do. I want them to be happy and prosperous and have a purpose. I guess that's why I reached out to this boy also. He is such a child and gets so bullish about so many things and part of me wants to scold but mostly just wants him to understand some fundamental truths which I feel he hasn't yet gotten round to understanding. None of us know how long we have. He told me I was being too serious when I said I want to stay away if he didn't want to talk to me, I wasn't. I understand how precious little time we all have and while I might be simple and direct, I cannot and do not want to tank equations and friendships on whims nor do I seek to hurt someone but I fucking need solidity. Idk, blah. You can only take a horse to water I guess. But maybe it is a privilege and he must have had a pretty lucky life if he can be so cavalier with people too. That in itself is a privilege to me. I guess it is what it is. You do you man. I don't grudge you or anyone else the privilege of being flippant because it means sad parts of life have never touched you. But I am acutely aware of a lot of them and that's why people are precious to me. Maybe someday you'll understand me enough to get that.

~

Ugh. My friend mocks me saying you were so proud of booting all the toxic folks in life only to include the most toxic person ever and choosing to believe they are good. I hate that. And from the bottom of my heart I hope and wish that you prove them wrong and that this one time my trust in someone isn't misplaced.