"Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy."
Couldn't sleep half of last night and needed something to think about. I ended up listening to a podcast on Camus. I didn't know this was the articulation for the Myth of Sisyphus, and now this is quite literally blowing my mind. How could someone even contemplate it with detachment lol.
It's one thing to lose sleep it's another to then push yourself into existential questions like these lol. Why couldn't I have just watched some random Jolly videos? Those guys are so wholesome lmao
Ps- it's been raining all the time I've been awake lol
Fuck my life that narc is texting me again!! Mofo with the " hey you what's up?". So nonchalantly as if I hadn't blocked him on every piece of shit network I possibly could! God, just leave me the fuck alone already, haven't spoken to you for three years did you honestly think I want to now? Unreal.
Of all the people I've met, this dude legit is a certifiable narcissist. I single-handedly ditched an entire friend circle to escape his toxicity, I can't deal with this shit again. Argh!!
I wonder what's the line between hypersensitivity, self obsession and actual narcissism. I feel like I know a few people in the former category even now, but for the love of god I don't think I can stomach another person with this actual disorder.
Why can't I just be with someone nice who actually cares about me?! Fuuuck. I'm so sick of all this running away from people. Just want something good for once. :(
Aaaaaaa. So fucking annoyed.
My Myers Briggs yet again gave the same result lmaoo. How am I just giving the same answers over the years? While I know Jung would be very disappointed with this particular test, I'm actually a bit intrigued as to how they go about creating the archetypes. I guess maybe it's used now simply cuz it's a billion dollar industry, from what I gather. My type says I'm observant and pick up on stuff which is fair I guess. People have told me that before. And incidentally, I noticed something which has been striking me for a while now to be honest. Hmmm. Need to think about it cuz it's kinda weird, but it has been a repeat occurance.
Why is the half life of being tired longer than the thing that caused you to be so in the first place?
Also, fuck Peppa pig, that stupid pig came in my dreams complete with the soundtrack and turned it into a Paprikaesque absurdity.
How good is Satoshi Kon though, I must re-watch some of his movies next weekend. Ok bye.
... You don't have to be perfect all the time. Or pretend to be so. It's your shadows that make you interesting and lovable after all, not the facades.
Don't be so afraid to share those sides. I mean this for me and for some others too tbh. Especially the ones I feel are way more afraid than me of seeming imperfect. Wish they would see themselves from my lens, they'd learn to rest easy if they did.
M and kids just left. Man, I'm so pooped. She has soooo much patience holy fuck. Not easy to be around kids, I didn't even know you gotta watch them all the time lol. Not to mention the mess they make. How can such tiny people be so unbelievably destructive. 😑
Imma just listen to some basic ass music and chill. Need a break from humans, wish I had a dog to cuddle for a bit. I need a nice big bear hug.
Hanging out with M and C tonight, seeing them both after ages. Hope C is a bit less argumentative than he was last time omg. It's sometimes so tough to navigate equations with your friends' partners. I'm glad he dotes on her though, just seeing how nice he is to her atleast makes me want to make the effort to get along and be tempered. I don't think I would find it in me to do so otherwise, seeing as I hate people who try to draw you into pointless debates where they get dug in while being wrong about everything. Fuck idk why that trait gets to me so much but I end up being so blunt and then the other person hates me cuz they can't admit they were wrong. Howwww can you be so stupidly egoistic ffs? And the constant "see I told you, I knew this, I knew that". What is this urge to keep underlining that, and the moronic assumption that you said something others didn't already know? Aaaaaaa!
Okay I got that out of my system whew lol. Now I can go be nice and polite. Peace!
Quarter way through this book, what an interesting concept. I had no idea about the underlying musical concepts of classical music, this stuff is so interesting. I guess I'm finally starting to appreciate stuff for their complexity, even if I struggle with it from time to time. Can't say Bach is my favourite because he doesn't hit me in the feels the way a Rachmaninoff does, but something about the intersection of math and music really makes me wonder about the genius of the minds that come up with it. I find the same layers in some art as well, especially in Van Gogh. I think I love him best because I interpret his lens as one of compassion and observation. The colours he chooses are always equal parts soothing and yearning, but not necessarily happy. It's like he captures the transient essence of the ordinary and wishes to be a part of it but doesn't see himself as a belonger. Then again, it might just be my projection. After all, an interpretation probably tells you more about the interpreter than it does the object. But my goodness, Gogh truly has my heart. And Escher quite possibly my mind. Love!
There's so much to learn out there, a lifetime is just not enough.
I am so possessive. It's my one Achilles heel, but my goodness it is such a strong instinct. I don't even consider it an Achilles heel cuz it's only triggered when I feel insecure, but historically it's been for good reason.
I hadn't thought I'd have strong feelings towards anyone again, I'd basically just given up on the idea of love and the irony of fates be mocked, cuz they brought me across someone like you that makes it all feel brand new. Just hate that every second day someone new shows up, or someone says something and I have to bear it and wonder if I'm just naive. I actually just hate it from the bottom of my heart. My one hope is that whoever can figure that out about me, never chooses to exploit that. It's the one thing I have never forgiven and as mature as I can be about everything else, crossing this one line is a deal breaker like no other.
Oh well my darling...to paraphrase a song... I will do anything for Love, but I won't share it with someone else. I woooon't do that. And if I'm reading you correctly, you would never do that either. But I guess noone has to ever worry about that with me, cuz I never have and never will.
As always, it has to be all in, or nothing at all. Sooner or later, you gotta pick a side.
Just when I wanted to count how many words per sentence, our man decides to type full sentences like an adult. Always putting random spanners in the works. Sheesh. I just can't catch a break. Hehe.
Nothing like a 40 min snooze to feel nice. I finally ended up saying hello earlier in the day, as soon as I woke up, which was early as hell tbh. Actually missed him. Told him that too, just wrapped as a joke because idk I'm a bit of a dodo like that. But yeah, I did miss. I'm not gonna ask myself why, I'm just gonna go with it.
I realised while texting today that I actually look forward to getting a message replied to right as I am waking up, or right as work wraps up for him, it's kinda cute as hell. Just enjoy being in bed and seeing that name pop up with a scantily worded message. So gruff all the time, like a grumpy teddy bear. Imma keep count and see how many words average over a sentence from now haha. These stupid tiny things make me smile.
Wish you'd realise it's time you took a bit more initiative too, little grumpster teddy. I feel like you are a bit scared of me sometimes, although can't imagine why. I'm actually one of the good ones, but yeah trusting that about anyone implicitly is hard. Still, wouldn't kill you to start little by little, I have a feeling you want to, or maybe I'm projecting and it's me who wants to lol.
And I can't stress this enough...You better fucking not prove me wrong. 🤺
I'll forgive and let it go.
Can't think of you as a bad person, trusting my intuition on this one. Don't you dare prove me wrong.
Why did this one thing hurt me so much? I'm not trying to be distant or mean or trying to ignore but it's legit hurting me. Fuck. Why in the world did it impact me so much? At this point I don't even care if it was truly meant as badly as I took it, just the idea of it stung me no end. Why?
What is it that I'm feeling and why? I'm never this thin skinned. I straight up wanted to cry while listening to that one stupid ass song that made me happy just a week ago. Why? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It's not even period time, I checked. :( Ordinarily, I can get over stuff fast enough to atleast be able to articulate them, but I'm finding it so hard to do so rn. A decade ago someone told me they think I have a switch that lets me get over stuff asap. Overnight, I was told. *Eyeroll* Idk if I ever had that switch but today I can't seem to find it lol. It was meant as an insult, a provocation and a challenge at the time I suppose. I didn't fully care then, but does that mean I do now?
Feels so weird to not be able to have an open conversation about it either. Hoooow do I choose to be in situations like this? Fucking talent. Leaping without thinking seems to be my personal Olympic sport. It's like living in a Kierkegaard book. Just trust without knowing if you should. Atleast give me a reason to, ffs.
Oh man, I truly don't know what to do. Think I'll have to just cuss a lot until I figure it out. Atleast I'm not the weakling I used to be, so if I do get fucked over, I'll find a way to be alright.
Raw dogging honesty on this blog. Someday, I'm gonna read it all back and judge myself.
Also screw classical, I'm gonna listen to Tokyo Ghoul soundtrack until I get my head on straight.
