Day 10 - Your views on drugs and alcohol

On Drugs:

I have a fear of most drugs and I am fairly certain I wouldn't do any of them, especially the hallucinogens. Losing control of my senses has never had any appeal to me. I'm afraid I'd do something stupid and silly and that's not a cat I want out of the bag. I have known people who have been coke heads and have done heroine and it's ugly. The instability, the loss of reasoning power, it's just terrible. I have seen them show streaks of violence and I am dead sure that life around addicts would be very painful. 

However, there is one drug I am curious about:  DMT. And I would do it the minute I get my hands on it. Unlike hallucinogens and other stuff, DMT has very specific results and is touted as a gateway to an alternate reality. And that is something I am very very curious about.

Other than that, only weed and hash are what I am comfortable with. :)

Alcohol:

Just say no. :)

When I first started drinking I felt like I was embracing freedom and adulthood in equal measure and the ride was very thrilling. But then slowly, I realised that alcohol can be a slippery slope. I slowly recognised a pattern of behaviour that started emerging when I was drinking and I started to hate who I was becoming when I was on it.

Somewhere around 2011 I quit drinking the hard stuff for good. This was after a very very terrible call I had where I said a lot of nonsense. Vulnerability coupled with confusion and sadness just made me vomit out words that no sane person should say. I felt very disgusted and decided on the spot to quit, which I did.

A few years later, the same friend showed up blind drunk to my house and insisted we go for a drive and for some reason I said yes. That was the most terrified I have ever been in a car. I thought I was going to die and at every turn I was scared we would crash into something. Plus my friend seemed very unstable that night. He tried to fight when I suggested we spend time on my terrace instead and I felt like I had to keep him calm otherwise things would get ugly. I was also afraid to leave him alone when he was so high, he is extremely reckless and I wouldn't have ever forgiven myself if something ended up happening to him that night.

So yeah, bad decisions all around due to alcohol!

I guess quitting social drinking isn't exactly possible in our friend circles, so instead I make sure I either drink dilute cocktails or beer or just order mock tails when no one is looking :) 

Day 9 - Your last kiss

Does a peck on the cheek count? If it does, then I got my cheeks pecked a couple days ago at my friend's reception. 

This guy I'm kinda sorta close to, happened to be there and greeted me like he always does. Big hug and a looooud kiss.

And if a peck doesn't count, then the last was with this boy I must not name. It was awesome. We were talking and chilling and somewhere down the line we were making out.

I absolutely love kissing him. He has lovely soft lips and a nice slow way of getting into the kiss. 

Whenever my neurotic side comes out, he just wraps me in his arms and kisses and teases me until I calm down. I love the affection between us, it's so easy and it makes me gush for hours afterwards. And I like that he never lets go while he is annoying me, I think it pleases him to see me half annoyed and half amused and always uncertain whether to hold on or let go. :)

Day 8 - Something you are currently worrying about

I'm worrying about where my life is headed. Ashte.:D 

Day 7 - My opinion on cheating

In the ideal world, I would say cheating sucks. But in the ideal world, you also only find love once, you know it's The One and it's meant to be forever. Which goes to say that basically there is no desire to cheat in itself. 

But realistically speaking, I feel that cheating is a by product of a whole bunch of things. Not being happy in your current equation, not being completely committed, not being over an ex or simply not having the best sex with the person you are with.

I feel that as we grow older, we compromise a whole lot. This permeates our relationships to a point that a lot of times we settle for folks because we feel maybe this would be the wisest choice. And as time goes on, we tend to stray. 

Also, there are times when we just outgrow a relationship. But due to societal/ personal pressure we stay in it. Cheating helps fill that void which time leaves.

For me, the only time I have come close to cheating, is when I badly wanted to leave a relationship and even then I made sure I broke up with him before I went out with someone else. It happened when me and V were on the fringe of a breakup. He basically ghosted me all summer while interning and had the audacity to come back to put me in the role of his gf. I was super sad, and felt very low. So it felt amazing when someone else was willing to give me all that I wanted. I guess it was a mix of reassurance and validity that I found and so I wanted to go along with it and hook up with someone else. I know that's not totally normal, but sometimes a good external reason helps when a good internal reason is not acceptable. 

I've also had a guy cheat on his gf with me. I could never really understand his motivations. Or how he kept her a secret for almost a year of knowing me and hanging out with me 3 nights a week. Maybe he too was unhappy with her. But I am not sure, since he ended up marrying her as well. 

I cannot imagine having to deal with the pain and confusion of someone you actually love cheating on you. I sincerely hope I don't have to find this one thing out firsthand 

Day 6 - The person you like and why you like them

Like? Or Like-Like?
As I am not sure, I am going to assume it's the former.

I like my new friend M, since she is fun, a bit irresponsible and fairly grown up. M has too many adorable traits. I like that she is tiny, like a little grinning imp that's up for cheap jokes and silly innuendos. She seems fairly honest and up front. When she is upset, I can see her slow decline into insanity. And she will Make You Deal with it as well, only to laugh later on.

On a deeper level, I like that despite being a rich kid, she is very down to earth and treats everyone with respect. It's one of her best qualities. She is also easy going and we can sit and talk and laugh for hours together! I actually miss her if she comes to office late coz then I have no one to trouble.

I also like that she is fairly sorted in her head. Her reasoning for things she says and does is quite spot on. It's a refreshing change from the type of people I was used to. 

So yeah,  I find her quite entertaining and fun, and am glad I got a chance to get to know her.

Day 5 - 5 things that irritate me about the opposite sex/same sex

1. Hypocrisy. 

I mean, I can kinda sorta make do with the type where the person is unaware of it and it's for some really stupid things. But I hate the type where you sit around in judgment of others and stigmatise certain acts like sex, dating, life choices etc.

2. Not answering messages on time.

Like come on, I know you read it. Wtf just answer it. Don't wait 3-4 days to get back to me. *eyeroll*

3. Not being direct.

I am a literal person, I cannot deal with hints and innuendos and sly sliding away tactics. Urgh. Come to the point please people. 

4. Fighting dirty and holding grudges.

I dislike it when someone brings up some random thing from the past into a fight in the present. I also hate irrational temper tantrums and people who keep a ledger full of others' mistakes. Like learn to let go and move on! 

5. Being petty and mean.

I find meanness and pettiness to be traits of the unevolved. Like I feel these people would follow Kim Kardashian on Instagram, bitch about their friends, and be generally unpleasant to be around. People who pick on others and act superior should slip on a banana peel everyday. Just because.

Day 4 - What I wear to bed

Such an intimate question! What I wear to bed is mostly reflective of the mood I am in or the mood I am trying to set. ( Ey ey )

I have a special love for mismatched clothing that are well past their glory days. They serve as my adult comfort blanket. For eg a slightly torn yellow something with whatever pants or shorts have been washed the day before. Mostly, this particular item lets me walk around bra-less at home and no one can tell. 

On days when I do not want to look like shit, I go for a fancy lacey racer back with Jammies to match. I carry them around when I travel also, so as not to be judged as a slob by others. Plus airport security tends to open my luggage at times, looking for lighters. And it is VERY embarrassing when then whole world sees ugly clothes inside.

I am quite fond of flimsy clothing as well, they make for really comfy sleepwear!

Day 3 - What kind of person attracts you?

Hmmm, I think this just might be a long one. :)

People in general fascinate me, so there are a lot of different sorts I get attracted to. I like quiet, shy, clever people, who have a bit of mischief up their sleeve. Shy people always make me wonder why they are so shy, what they are hiding, what makes them tick and lastly, how long before they share that with me. I find the inner worlds of the quiet ones to be so deep, and I can't help but stick around until I am a part of it.

I also like slightly childish and righteous ones. They are too precious. I love seeing them get all outraged at perceived wrongs and I like the steadfastness underneath all that innocence. It makes me feel comfortable and the instinctive trust that you feel around such people is very hard to replicate in others. I feel quite protectively towards them as well, so the equation becomes a bit caretaker-ish in the end.

There is also something quite enticing about brooding, intense people. The conversations are much deeper, and everything has that hazy, seductive edge to it. It's quite magnetic, and time spent with them makes me feel very earthy and slow and purposeful. 

And then there are the ones that can banter really well. I mean, fuck. There is nothing as attractive and awesome as a good banter session. I find that immensely stimulating. I also tend to fall for ones who beat me at this game. I love love love to know that such cleverness and mischief can exist in one person. Given a choice, no matter how flighty they seem, I end up gravitating towards them on pure instinct. 

So yeah, basically I am a sucker for a whole lot of personality types. I have a theory that it's because this way I get to explore different sides of me, I can be so many different people, and feel so many different emotions! :)

Day 2 - How have you changed in the past two years?

This one is a bit tough. The most obvious change I can sense is that I have become good at prioritizing myself above the other people in my life. I know that sounds selfish, but earlier it seemed like I was like a doormat emotionally, and I didn't like that feeling. I made me unhappy back then.
At this point, I am sure I can survive by myself if I need to, and that's a very liberating feeling. 
Another thing that I worked towards was taking responsibility for my own life - which includes being responsible for any personal or professional highs/lows and overall acceptance that most things in life are the way they are, because of things I have and haven't done.

Other than that, I don't feel like some very significant change has happened. So this will have to do for now.

Diary Posting Challenge - Day 1

Doing this with L, starting today. The point is to be honest in these answers as well. So I'm gonna try my best. 

Topic: 

Weird things I do when I am alone.

I have to think a lot about this one, coz most things I do seem normal to me.

But I'll take a shot at it:

1.Pretend I am a singer and sing along to a bunch of songs like I have an audience of 30000.

This is definitely my favourite activity. In fact, I'd totally have chosen singing as a profession, if I had a good voice. :)  I remember doing this as a kid also, listening to Britney Spears and pretending to be her. 

2.Sleep/Lounge around in just a T-shirt / skimpy dress / minimal attire or forgo clothes entirely. Lingerie is a no no. 

I'm guessing this is a pretty common occurrence. Deep down, I sincerely believe, we are all nudists.

3.Read People Magazine until I drown in guilt about the wasted time / intellectual void I have fallen into.

Like I just soak up information about all the random goss that's flying about. 

4.Watch some terrible chick flick and cry during the emo bits.

Well, it needn't be a chick flick necessarily. I can pretty much weep in any movie. Probably one of the reasons I prefer watching superhero flicks at theaters. Noone will catch me weeping there.

5. Weave weird story bits/wishful thoughts together. For eg: What if I were a character in some anime, or travelling through space, or in the past. Endless possibilities and wishes. 

"I like...

...fooling around with words." - This was a title for an article about David Duchovny. I love the implication of that sentence. It reminds me of Californication and the wonderful, wonnnnderful writing that show had! Sleaze aside, Duchovny's character was so damn charming!

It made me think of modern romances, and romances in the years to come. How they would pan out?

Where would they be set? How would people communicate? Long sentences or Lyk Ths? Would it be the glory of one person or the fleeting excitement of multiple? Would it have the same charm of the olden days? Or will it be rush rush rush?

Things move so fast these days, it feels like everything is blink and miss. Something about a slower pace of life, which lets you savour and delve and deep dive into interactions, is a thing I miss. :(  

Because, I too wanna fool around with words. I wanna make mine long and entertaining and peppered with innuendos and mischief and hidden meaning. :) 

*Rainy day meanderings* 

 

The validity of feels

"Flowers are restful to look at. They have neither emotions nor conflicts" - Freud

Flowers indeed are very pleasant to look at, but I'm not sure if we can attribute to their being inanimate. But I have often wondered about the merits of emotions and what purpose they serve us in general. 

Which brings me to a topic I have been intrigued by. 

In a world where every person but one was completely devoid of emotion, would the power of emoting be considered a superpower or a liability?

At a very base level, an emotional response is the result of hormonal triggers, which are in turn influenced(?) via social conditioning and/or are predisposed to genetic influence. For e.g.: The amount of anger or fear a person feels towards a certain event or stimulus, is subjective to that very person and their experiences. Hence, I may get very upset if someone is dishonest with me, whereas my friend may assume that people come in various shades of grey, and thus brush the matter off. Interestingly, the chicken or egg debate can be brought in here. Did the hormonal trigger happen and hence you exhibited that degree of response or did the social conditioning kick in, and trigger that much of a hormonal response? (Need to research.) 

The level and complexity of emotional responses varies across species, with the non human species exhibiting the basic emotions: Fear, anger, sadness, surprise etc. And largely, for them these base emotions are a means of survival. (Whether they fall under the category of behaviorism or otherwise, would be another debate). These base emotions help them detect threats, survive that threat, nurture their off springs, decide whether to live in packs or in isolation, etc. However, things start to get interesting once more complex emotions come into existence. We hear about dogs being possessive of their masters, cross specie nurturing of off springs and similar events in the animal world. In humans, things like jealousy, contempt, sympathy, empathy come into existence. (Insert examples for the spectrum - delve into the pros and cons)

Now, keeping aside the evolutionary benefits of the base emotions, how do the base and complex emotions serve us? (need an example of the desirable effects of complex emotions.)

Often, I have noticed that a lot of conflict unresolved, due the logic and reason being over-ridden by a tide of emotions. This can be on a large scale, where people of different religious ideologies are at odds with each other for perceived slights to their deities, way of life etc, or simpler things like an individuals inability to admit to wrong doing and their reluctance to be open about certain aspects of their lives. In both those cases, if the emotional response is suppressed, then a more rational line of thought can be inculcated, which can in turn lead to a more desirable outcome. 

Even in daily interactions, emotions play a large role in determining the general environment and state of mind. Say you are at a work place - you get a promotion. This results in you being happy, and an under performing co-worker experiences jealousy. He or she is then faced with a choice - to understand the underlying reasons why that led to this undesirable situation coming about, and taking corrective measures like enhancing their skill set, taking up more responsibility and things of that nature. Or he/she decides to sulk instead, backbites about you, and generally adopts a pessimistic and defeatist attitude. I'm not saying these are the only two choices, just two of the many I am considering.
In the first scenario, the emotional response is over-ridden eventually by rationality, and gets that person a step closer to their desired outcome. In the second, the chances of a desired outcome are significantly less.

Drizzle and Go

The cold wind blows
And the trees, they start to sway
The sky is getting cloudy
There is a hint of rain.

We pump up the volume
This rhythm is so divine
The center is calling
And there's no conflict in our minds.

Dancing Queen

Because that song came on!

One Step,Two Step

Why is moving on so tough?

This is a question that has been haunting me for a while. I heard from a lot of people that you can truly move on only once you find someone else. But to me that just seems to be a way of evading the core problem, rather than solving it. They also say time heals most wounds, and I agree. As time goes by, it layers every experience, and replaces it with newer ones that catch your attention, hold it, and shift the focus. The addition of more characters in your life has a certain healing quality to it as well. I guess it's the flowing nature of things. It's funny, but when you read stories and watch movies, this whole spectrum of feelings comes across as poetic. Being the observer is a boon - being that character, urgh. The good part of it being a complete narrative is that you have complete control over it. I wish life was like that sometimes. 

I have been struggling with moving on for a while now, and on most days it's fine. But whenever confronted with something 'real', my first instinct is to shut down. My friend says it's the comfort of the shell I retreat back into, and maybe it is. Everything outside of the shell is so pointy, it pierces too often and too much. :(  I just hope that I find it within me to be able to fight that, because the alternative would just be missing out on something better.

So someone HAS written a book on this concept.

“Contrary to what we usually believe, moments like these, the best moments in our lives, are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times—although such experiences can also be enjoyable, if we have worked hard to attain them. The best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile. Optimal experience is thus something that we make happen. For a child, it could be placing with trembling fingers the last block on a tower she has built, higher than any she has built so far; for a swimmer, it could be trying to beat his own record; for a violinist, mastering an intricate musical passage. For each person there are thousands of opportunities, challenges to expand ourselves.” 

― Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience