Saw some really nice candles and such I can send bro and M for diwali. I hope she likes. I wanna send some cutesy stuff over to them 😬

~

I love sending small, small gifts with handwritten notes. Feels good. Heh. Lmc what all curios I can find.

~

Eating dinner at 6pm while reading the nose. It's a nice lil tale. Gogol wrote a lot of stuff that was part of my English classes in school. So it kinda feels like reading childrens' fiction in a way. I liked that era of reading, everything was new and exciting. Now, not so much. The wizards guide book was nice too. Simple asf to read. It made me a little sad that writing levels need to be that easy to consume now. Changing times. 

~

Not playing has made me restless asf today. I'm finding it tough to sit still. I'll go early tomo and play for two hours. I barely drink coffee also these days. A new development for sure. Will it last? Wouldn't bet on it. 

~

I allowed myself to peek on the channel today and instantly saw that same womans' name that had made me leave. It's a sign lol. I shall not peek again. Good. Sometimes you just need that jolt of reality. Just be around people who actively choose to welcome and respect me. This detour was my bad, my fault. Fault! 

~

Speaking of, can Alcu pls win?! I look forward to tomo! 

Just scrolled past a quote by Roger about going shopping for ten hours if his wife wants it cuz she stands and supports him for hours too. See, this is real consideration and partnership, knowing you gotta bring something considerate to the table for someone else to feel nice. Wish more people out there had figured this out. Alas! How sweet of him though!

~

I can't wait for morning to come by!

 🙄

Why did I see that status why why why how. So mindless. Early morning mindlessness by me. He'll just gloat or something ugh. Whyyyyy

Heh. Well, good to see tennis is going on. Still sort of decent at it lol. Playing what looked like a kid. Who knows might be his own. Heh. M used to tell me she thinks he would be a bad father. She is an asshole. 

I think he would be a good coach too tbh

~

WHY DID I SEE NOW HE WILL JUST GLOAT IF HE SEES. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

~ 

So annoying

~

Oh hey it reached omggg

~hehe my bad handwriting too. Yaaay I'm happyyyy!! Nicely aims took the pic too!

~

Omg Tiafoes outfit 😂😭😭😭😭😭😭 jesus!! He's dressed like a kid put him her fav ballet colours lmao. Opponent is also damm. You cannot make it uppppp!

~

Ugh should I go play? It's so sunnyyyyy!

~

Bless his soul. ♥️🤭🧿

These days I'm in bed by 9.30 ish. Just doing my reading and general chilling. 

~

Anyway, too tired for alcus match today. Really missed seeing him tbh. But I doubt I can stay up. Ughhyyy

~

Nvm I think I'll watch it. 

~

Omgggg. he is showing nips! Hahahahahaa whaaaat!!!

What is that outfit he looks sooooo funny 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣. Oh lord. Just never change carlitos. Such a deeply unique person. Oh I'm glad I woke uppppp!!!

Hahahha. I love him. He looks v much like a mallu boy also. Esp that royal head of hair. I hope his wrist is fine and he wins the whole thing. He is like sunshine ngl. Ezpz victory for him too, looks like. One set in the pock-et.

Djoko crying was unreal. I really wish he would quit tbh. I think it probably hit him too that it's time. Or who knows maybe he tries one last time. Wouldn't put it past him. 

~

Somehow fed quitting felt super emotional, so did rafa. With djoko as much as I admire the accomplishments, I don't have that same feeling. Good to know FedEx love is never even remotely challenged lol. How much love I was leaking seeing his ceremony. Haha. ♥️

~

A piece of mint fell in my coffee and steeped into it. Felt like I'm having toothpaste flavoured coffee yukky. Why why why. 🤢. Mint is such an awful flavour in a lot of things like eww. People who like mint chocolate are total psychos. Or orange for that matter. Grossssss 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

~

Spoke to brother lots today. Was nice. He went to some book reading lol. It's cute how he does all these things. Will be introducing M to the family soon too. That's so nice man. God bless. I look forward to it! She seems like a gem of a person. 

Happiness of people I love means the world to me. I realise that I have a very stark boundary between love and indifference. If I care about someone I'll do my utmost for them, if I don't then it doesn't register at all. Like all goodwill is showered on certain folks. I guess that's okay. Earlier it was more scattered but when I realised it's not appreciated and reciprocated, I sort of prune those trees. Maybe that happens when you grow up, you are selective about where to give energy. It is what it is. 

~

Guavas are the best. My fav fruit after orange. I can't believe how underrated this fruit is yums. Cheers to nature, for coming up with such gems. I miss them when they aren't around! 

Reading a quote by dosto about the dreamer archetype and I feel like while he is right, sometimes we simply have to dream away the misery so we can find a cause to hang on to. 

I like books about magic and wit precisely cuz they show me worlds we can visit that are pleasing to our appetites. 

When I was a kid, I would watch people stuck being their worst selves and wonder to myself... What beauty is there to be found in such pain? Hope is the quintessential escape.

Where is that speck you can look at and say life is worth living? How do we find something in this grime? Why don't we just run away?

~

Dreary day, cold. And I'm still in bed doing nothing by 6 am. Whew! 

~ uso starts today isn't it? Woohoo! 

Omg djoko lost a set already. Heh. It's his last real shot at winning one tbh. No sinner, but alcu might be all bouncy and prepped let's see.

Lmao nvm he is STRUGGLING. Man, he should just quit ngl. This is painful to see.

For once I can actually see uso cuz waking up early. Maaan. Couple years ago watched that Meddy final while texting m and it was brutal. Oh the aftertaste. Bllleeurgh.

~

Zomg this is just brutal asf. Djoko why why why. He looks half perished.

Fears and More

Took a nap and promptly had a nightmare. It's like my soul is screeching out warnings. :( 

I feel sick. Every single time I feel a little easy towards someone this kinda nightmare just brings me back to... idk... it's like deep inside me a warning bell goes off like I'm being naive...

I don't even want to recollect it. Just flow away man, and take my fears and worries with you...

~

What a bun! 

It was the same stupid thing again man like kya hai yeh always fucking troubling me. If I could just eliminate this one fear istg my life will be all cheery. Ironically it's the one thing that also tethers me, it's such an important part of my world that I don't want to let it go either. I feel like i'd be adrift without the one thing I so value. Maybe adrift is what I need though. Like why not honestly. 

Ugh. 

To be honest, maybe I just need to let go once and for all. The best way to deal with fear is to walk through it anyway so why tf not. Gather ye courage and take that step. 

~

WHAT A BUNNNNNNNN! 

I'm just gonna take by bra off and read my book. Or like watch rogers speech again, feel some good eems. 

Tournament was so fun! Kids are so much better than adults lmao. One kid just beating everyone's ass. It was insane to watch lol. And cutely keeping score too. And a small girl also playing well but lost. Still, holding their own against adult men is good. That other kid was also good at moving which made a huge difference. The older dude was quite a hard hitter but didn't get to the ball in time a lot. V fun dynamic. 

~

Maaaan. What a lovely afternoon this was! I love tennis soooo much! Imma play in a tournament sometime too. Maybe in a few months when I feel a bit more ready. I'll try my best! 

~

Awww waking up and watching Roger cry while giving mirka a shout out is the sweetest thing ever!!! Omgggggg. What a cutie man. Even at 45 he gets emotional about his wife I love this soooooooo much!! Haha this is the kinda baby a man should be lmaoooo. 

Oh Em GEEEEEE!!!

♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

7 pm, dinner done and I'm already tired asf. Reading a nice book, it's so simple. Cute premise too. Wizards guide to defensive baking. I feel like I can finish it off tonight if I just read from now to 10 pm. Lmc. It's definitely not a tough read. 

After a v long time I'm actually sitting here and reading tbh. Just me and a lamp and the quiet. It feels good. Nice cozy Saturday. Some jazz maybe to accompany me would be good too. Lmc what I can whip up. 

~

Ooo there's a tournament tomo. Should I go watch? Might be fun ngl. Hmmm. Idk what to dooooo. 

~

2 hours and 150 pages done. I am SO TIRED! Just gonna fall asleep any minute lol. Yawns.

Finally played for 2 hours. Feels great. Won a set. Let's see tired asf. This bending etc needs more conditioning lol. I feel tired, tanned and happy. Could have played longer too tbh. Hehe. I like that. Maybe I'll go tomo as well. Let's see. My backhands sucked ass today like. There's this weird block I have during sets idk why. Half the stuff I mess up is purely mental. Even not eating a banana beforehand makes me low energy.  Bittersweet feeling about some aspects. My grip is fully brown, same shade as clay lol 🧱 😆. And I also need a skincare routine if I'm going to be out in the sun. The things women need to do. 😕😤🙄

~

Someone needs to teach me stretching lol. Need to do squats also. Stupid bending. 

~

M doing well at both these sports is super commendable. It really is. Heh. I've always liked that he is smart and passionate about stuff. Wish he was also nice lmao. Oh well. We cannot have it all huh? 

I seem to have said this line multiple times. I suppose I should not. Never make a habit of negative reinforcements. Maybe he can manage to be good at all three things! Who knows! Gimme everything, I want. It's not a lot anyway. So GIMME ALL. 😬

~

Hehe. I don't think I'd ever like someone if they weren't smart and passionate about stuff tbh. Just a pretty face is never something that interests me, it was always wittiness and the ability to have good conversations. M is not witty, but there's something v funny about how weary he would look and then just get these stray comments. Angry burrito indeed. Made me adore him. But I also like it when people aren't full of themselves. That gets super boring real fast. Part of why I enjoyed speaking to his friend was because the conversation was fairly free flowing, there weren't any hangups and such. There's a level of honesty in that which I appreciate. He had a level of openness and authenticity that I had hitherto taken for granted. Usually had that with everyone else too. Going forward, I will ensure I only engage with people who bring that to the table. That's a non negotiable for me. I see a lot of people who do really well also maintain a sense of groundedness which I admire and respect. I seek that in people too. Simple living, high thinking. Or just getting high and chatting 🤣. I'm like a saint now, drinking water with lemon 🍋. Oh well. 

~

Musings musings. 

I gotta take a shower 🚿 ugh. Someone gimme a massage too omg. And with some lemon water. Chilled. Omg. Yums.

When is the wcc? Can't believe it's almost time already. 

~

I wonder if gukesh will crawl back into shape. I hope he does. I'm a big fan of people just finding their rhythm when everyone writes them off so good on him if he does. Pretty underconfident of this but yeah.

~

Ugh. And now I have to go buy vegetables. Eww 🤢

~

Met some guy I play with at the store and forgot his name lol. Shit. His kid was also there and forgot her name also. Beautiful. Hehe. Man, I really gotta start paying attention to all this. 

~

Thinking of the wcc match again and this time last year. It's been a year almost since Naro passed. Damn dude. Idk why it just struck me now but yeah. Bummer. The intro to his vids is so ingrained in my memory too.  Seeing people post so many good things about king harald it made me realise that by and large people will see the good in you if you stand by it. 

WHY AM I LOSING LOSING LOSING OMGGGGG FUCK 

I'm up at 5 am naturally and I feel so nice rn. Something about the quiet, the cold, the occasional bus that trundles past, slightly disturbing the stillness. All of it is just so endearing. I feel like going for a run, but that would mean getting out of bed. And we can't have that now, can we? Not before sunrise atleast!

~

I like checking out twitch when it's this early just to see what's what. And I see Ben's wife gambling lmao. People are weird. What an odd choice ngl

~ 

Hmmm lemme snooze for a few minutes more. 

M seems to have uninstalled insta for a bit. In a way I'm sort of glad. Maybe taking time off. I doubt she would rethink anything. Well. It is what it is. 

I've grown quite sure of the idea that our paths are going to diverge, and diverge really soon. So I don't particularly feel like fixing anything any longer. It just... We have never had commonalties in friends etc. none of the folks I knew ever warmed up to her and while I like her friends I find it difficult to have any conversations with them too. So maybe it's okay. Either way, I'm extremely certain that I don't wish to ever see her bfs face ever again if I can avoid it. Just dislike that guy tremendously. God, that obnoxious loud voice and him mansplaining every idiotic thing like no thank you. 

~

Yeah, meh. Fuck it. I've felt at peace this last week cuz at the end of the day laid some stuff on the table and I don't have to have any forced conversations. Good break.

~

Plus. What irritates me about this entire thing is that... Not once has she made an attempt to change or become different. It's like you just can't save a person that chooses not to save themselves. And that's the bitch of it. That helplessness I feel when I see someone just jumping off a cliff over and over is unreal boss. I cannot yabal. Eff it yet again lol. 

~

Omg omg omg 

OH MY GODDDD

My apartment keeps a directory of the pets in the society!!

Oh my godddddd

Wuuut

Why did I not know this before. Dammit soooo cute.

~

This is legit this cutest thing ever. Aslan the great just laying on the floor lmaooo. Just beautiful. Donna Paulson lmao. Duuude. Oh my heart. ♥️😭

~

Why am I losing, losing, losing? WHY AM I 1800?! 

😱

Level so trash ooh la la

Watching Roger play tennis is just such joy. Truly like. I am so so so happy seeing it. I feel little tears tbh. What a magical guy man. 

And roddick too. I love him as well. Oh my days of youth when I lusted after him haha. What a cutie he is. He's become a lil chonky also haha. How adorbs. People are right, dad bods are kinda attractive. Back in the day those shoulders oooh la la. Now I don't like em as much, I'm more into hands lol. A man with good hands is like kryptonite. I just love nice palms too. Ooof. I have a sneaky feeling that the love of my life will have the absolute perfect hands lol.🔥

~ 

Playing in the sun is brutal. I could not manage more than an hour. Ugh. Need a rest day and some cloudy weather ☁️ . I like that stupid dome thing that guy plays in tbh. What a good way to ignore the elements. But I like open courts more. Just the wind and the rain and the sun beating down on my face. And stars to fill my dreams! 

~

Realised that I eat like a toddler sometimes just bread and cheese and nuggets lol. Just can't be bothered to cook or do anything in the kitchen. Instant noods with egg at night. Hehe. Well. Even egg toast is such an easy and nice meal. I love. 

~

Lmc a few games. Been so long since I cheered. Hehe. I'll cheer for opponents instead 😬😸🤭. Nahhhh, today I can't lol. I'll be nice. 

~

Oh hey, cousins baby is back home. How very nice. I'm glad! Lil kids man. They'll wring your heart right out. I wonder what she is naming her.  Hope it's something sweet. 

Friendliness and affection is such a nice combo ngl. I like that it is my natural state when devoid of stressors. I like environments which propagate that too. Iss nice. One of the things I had loved so much early on was the vibe our group had. For all four of us it was something really great. Hope I find that again. 

~

Backhands were so good today. Honestly just felt nice. That other dude who comes by is so amusingly weird. Kept telling me don't play well don't play well. What a weirdo. Still, was fun. I can tell I've improved. Yaay. A year from now I'll be at a good level. Wooohooo! I soooo look forward to it!