When I see you

~ 

I see you with the eyes of love. 

The lines on your face, the frowns, the smiles, the way your chest moves. The ruggedness, the temper, the way your voice can croon. The grumpiness that can spark annoyance. I am honest enough to notice things as they are, but I do not weigh myself down by the lens of judgement. 

I'm an optimistic beaver perhaps. I feel like I'm called to build. These days all I build are walls. Shame. Hopefully that will change. 

For now, I see you getting older...the subtle signs of age...they creep up on everyone, as they do on you. And you are conscious of them, aren't you? More than most. I wonder if that means you find yourself hard to love. Do you need to be perfect? We all fall short of that, that's one of life's constants.

I used to think love was pristine and perfect or atleast it was meant to be. Little did I know. 

I see all this now and maybe a bit more, lord knows you aren't perfect, neither am I. And yet I view it all...as always with the eyes of love.

All the kinks, all the insecurities, the subtleties...they endear me to you. I like to make you smile. Even if it's just for a moment. Nah. Tbh poetry aside, I wish you'd smile a lot more and be happier. I like it when you tease and take things lightly. The way you can make jokes in that voice of yours. That humor is just wicked good. Damn. I'd love for you to share my lens, and see that you are loved just as you are. Some days less, other days more... But always loved. No matter what. 

Loving you is a part of my soul. I fear that knowledge most times. But I love you just the same. How could I not?

Little by little, I have discovered this one unshakable truth - 

it's those things people tell us are flaws, stuff they tell us to hide, to keep hidden, pretend it doesn't exist...to be ashamed of even...those are the very things that actually make me love you so fucking goddamn much. 

Flavours of ice cream and flavours of you. Could never say no to either of that. 

~

Me - 2025

~

The corollary must also hold good I suppose. Maybe if you were perfect...I would not love you at all. Hehe. Suck it. 😘

Pete Yorn, Glass, 2K, Me and Tchaikovsky

Real Good Love 

That video has all that I love hehe.

Two whole days questing that elusive rating just so I could hang up boots. Hehe. Didn't get it yet. Dayum. 

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Got it. After two days. To the sound of Philip Glass haha. 

Company 2

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Maaan. What a song. That urgency oof. Signature Glass. 

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Someone was right, stupid ass soundtracks can be nice. Ugh. 

Charms

~

A fitting image for Tchaikovsky

Pas de deux

What a pretty, pretty song. Oof. ♥️

The Backwater. 

~

Ugh. Canon snuck up on me again. Lol. Gotta banish it for good. Stupid ass reminder of things unhappy. Goodbye ye terrible song, reminder of vulnerability you be. No thank ee. Never again. 🚫

AlphaGo

Ugh. Literally just sitting in a corridor. ♥️😭💀

The other day I thought the only time this person might be zen is when he is acting the part to piss someone off. I remembered it now and I just can't stop laughing. This assery would be tolerable if it weren't punctuated with non caring. Too bad.  

Attack in Kashmir and dad is nearby and mom is worried asf. Sometimes I worry so much about my fam. People making jokes about Vance visiting causing doom in threads I saw but they don't realise how serious it all is. Him being here has nothing to do with it. Testament to bad parenting and upbringing that these people can be so flippant and cavalier. He himself was very respectful tbh. 

~

It's so hard to be secular when I read stuff like this. Asking people their religion so you can decide who to kill for no reason. All my life I've treated people as fairly as I can and yet reading about this stuff in this day and age makes me feel defeated. My friend is posted nearby and he might be called into active duty again. Just don't even know what to say. 

~

Lol. In the midst of all this dad still lying to mom about having left from there. 💀💀 Why are men like this? Just. Loool. Just doesn't like conflict so does everything to avoid. Maybe all guys are like this lol. Smh man. Learn to understand concern you all. 

Cue stress release laughter. 

Rudolf Spielmann

Checking some of his games out. So nice. And kinda relatable too. Just goes for mate in everything haha. I like. Chess has so much history and I love these attacking players a lot. 

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Oh wow born on d's bday and died on a's. Damn. 5th may and 20th aug are both such recurring dates in my life. And 9th dec. Weird. 

~

 His life is so tragic though. A jewish person in Austria at that time. :( 

There's so much more to life than a game. I wish people lead happy lives. 

Pope Francis

I admired your grit, compassion, inclusivity and your empathy. ♥️

On Easter Monday no less. You were one of the good ones. 

~

Ugh. You were a cutie old man... And one of the few who openly embraced everyone I am sad now. A life well lived. I hope someone worthy succeeds you. I'm sorry there are some folks in this world that want to negate you. I guess that's the price we pay for standing up for the ones the world tries to shun. But I hope you were loved by people close to you. 

RIP Pope. 

Amen. ♥️

It's been a nice day. Sinners had FANTASTIC music. Love the soundtrack. 

Too bad I can never look at icecream the same way again. 💀

Lick it like it's ice cream. Not too hard, not too soft. Like you enjoy it but you want it to last. 

- could not help but rofl

~

One of those days when I want to taste your mouth on mine. 

~

Something about wearing white today just feels nice. On a sunny day, feels pristine. 

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Sinners is fantastic wow. Music is so seamless. V cool. 

~

For Easter 

Why not? Hehe. Might as well just taste a cupcake instead. 

~

I have an eyelash on my cheek, so can we make a wish too?

Pls? 

Lions among us

I miss the era of respect. 

I miss the times when you had leaders you look up to because they hold themselves to high standards and in turn, ask you to be your best selves. That was the whole point of the symbol. That one embodiment of who we are, who we aspire to be. 

It's easy to fall into muck and grime. It's so lowly to do that though. So let's not. And you should be discerning. You should learn to be differentiating. And you should... God knows you should learn to think for yourself. It's a person's most precious asset. The ability to look at a thing, a person, a problem with equality and equanimity and never think less or more of yourself in relation to it. But have the faith that you can measure yourself against anything and you willlll give it your best. That self belief is the bedrock of sportsmanship. I believe that's the crux of ubermensch. ( Nietzsche be damned but my god the man was clever. )

I just fundamentally miss all of that. Maybe it's my military upbringing. Always knowing your ps and qs. Conducting youself with dignity and poise. All of it is so important. Dignity in self, is so important. 

And I miiiiiisssss the era of gentlemen. When men were gently protective, and so were women. Just in different ways. 

~

I want to see the rise of leaders that once again embody a higher ideal. So we may once again look at the future with hope and yearning not fear and distrust. Or disgust, as I seem to be feeling these days. 

~

The heart of a narcissist is a fucking coward and he shall never be a lion. I wish some scripture had just stated that bluntly. 

Oh wow. Sending people to prison for being brown. Is this what the world has come to? 

Fuck dude. In my entire life, I've never once been conscious of my skin and now suddenly seeing the world feels so sick. Being brown really does make people uncomfortable huh? Damn dude. I wish I could rewind the last few years. Back then I'd never ever even though to refer to myself by a colour it's so dehumanizing. And here I am. Having seen so much shit behaviour in the last few years. I am truly disgusted with the world. 

~

There goes my happy afternoon wine high. Lol. 

 

A teeny oops

I was SOOOOOO tempted to heckle ugh. Who tf loses to a wgm like. Just. Really wanted to lol. You know. Like. Sometimes you just want to annoy someone cuz they annoyed you lmao. Juuuust wanna fight haha. God. Fights make things better also once in a while just yell at each other then cool off and be nice again. Haha... But he wusses out of those also has to act like he is some serene zen monk. Probably the only times in his life he might have managed that feat is when he is trying to annoy someone tbh. Actually fighting it out works when both people trust each other and know it's not going to go out of hand and neither will get hurt deeply, like both know how to fight with each other. Guess he and I don't know that. Or rather, he doesn't. He tends to get super mean so that doesn't work. Gotta fight to stop being mad not to destroy the other person sheesh. He just doesn't know that. One more thing to add to list of things huh? In all fairness I'm sure he would also like to give me a earful. Deffo would have wanted to atleast once lol. At least. Well, too bad he can't. 🙈

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Haha good humoured me takes things lightly and knows how to handle people, even difficult ones. Mopey me will be like world has ended and unless you fix it I won't talk. Haha. I am an ass for sure. ♥️💀 I kiiiinda know it. But ass side only comes out during times of egregious trouble. Once someone makes me feel safe and cozy I become all sweet and doting lol. Hehe, I do love doting and fussing over people tbh. I call other people children but it seems to me I might also be one 💀😂. OOPSIES. Yeah whatever idc, good humoured me also is one of my worst enemies, forgives too many sins. She can stfu. [Person who ignored you when they know someone passed away is not someone that deserves grace. Anyhoo. Ergo stfu good humoured me - do not forget this. ]

~

But seriously though. Wgm and all. That title is a hoax first of all.🥲🤦‍♀️

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Lord, if he had lost to that CM also then idek might have actually sent him a scolding lol. Tf is he doing even. Shouldn't be losing to total clowns as tiafoe would say. Haha he should really get that 28 it's about time honestly. Or don't. What do I care? AND declining gambits too. Sheesh. Wussing out pro maxx. 🙄 I'm soooooo tempted to say it haha. Would irritate him like mad. Hehe. Oh well. If he ever gets to 28, I'll probably have to congratulate. Nah, that awful lol makes me never want to say another word. Well, too bad. "Only once in my life I've been there waaah" as if it's not within realm of possibility. Haha, hate him regardless of all this. On that I shall stay firm.  😤♥️

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Hehe. I'm in a good mood today and now feel like just being chirpy and adding many emojis 🤭

~

You know what? I'm gonna have a nice cold glass of wine. ♥️ Banish thoughts of those that get 'uncomfortable' eff it. 

Cheers!

Feet up, and a desire to heckle lots. Lord knows some people in particular deserve it. 😘

~

My take on mimosas are so much better than actual mimosas. Also, I love rose. That colour is so pretty and it matches what I'm wearing today hehe. All peachy and pink. 

Feel very stir crazy without exercise just so restless. Like a cooped up doggo. Which reminds me... When people take our advice and suggestions... Isn't it just polite to say thanks? Heh. Just remembered something and realised the person in question took my suggestion then never told me they did. Until I noticed then just didn't say anything. 

Lol. What can we do but laugh, eh? 

~

Hehe. 

Teardrops on the fire. Feathers on my breath. 

Qgd

Ugh this man is like poetry in motion ooof I just love this. Istg his thirst for just knowledge is so damn neat. 😭 

I miss the games he commentated on first time loved chess commentary too. Maaaan. I should ask when the next round of coverage will happen, would love to sit through a nice grind session haha. Ugh. Who plays qgd like this maaaaaan aaaaaaaa. 

LOVE! 💕 

Why are all fms and ims similar rating on lichess? Sometimes I really wonder. Seeing rosen and he is 2800 bullet and 27+ blitz. Gauri is an fm and he is 3k bullet and 2700 blitz. Remember bartholomew also being sameish. Yet their styles are so different esp gauri whose bullet was nowhere close to how even Sadler plays. Sadler ofc loses on time a lot but his games are beautiful. Hmmm. Will try to observe these peeps. Or can just watch Gurel lol. One of two finds on lichess that I love so much. Kid's games are really fun too. 

All scriptures are rooted in one fundamental. Actions have consequences. 

~ 

This is a core tenet that I believe should not be erased from this world. It's one of the most important things in life. For a good life. I recall that question Socrates had asked. Does God like a deed because it is pious or is a deed pious because god likes it? It a very deep question I suppose. In my mind it's simply loved by gods because it is pious. That way, you place virtue as the highest good, actions that even gods bow to. I like that thought. It says we all aspire to the highest good. There's humility in that. 

~

These days, more so than ever... I believe man needs a framework of virtue to aspire to. It's so important. Every symbol we have, points to that. Symbols of good. In all our stories... Good defeats evil. And it must, so we have something to aspire to. Because it isn't easy to cast aside selfishness. It's unchecked power, imbalance, lack of consequences... That is the root cause of suffering. And I guess the only way to alleviate it, would be if we care just as much about others as we do ourselves. Like a zero sum game except for good. Is it possible? Heh. A good question too.