Watched the debate today and wow. No words.  💀

Resolutions

The heavy conflict I felt made me go over all the times I spent with her since childhood. Spoke to a bunch of people as well. I decided not to reach out. It was a tough decision but as decisions go, this week made me realise how much hurt she caused me all my life. To a point where I'm just simply not able to entertain the idea of even checking in with her. It's just so sad that I feel this way but it's almost like a phobia of letting her in my vicinity. I know it's unreasonable but my mind is just like...You know she will just screw you over given half an opportunity again. And I can't go through that kinda pain and havoc ever again. 

I've never actively tried to screw anyone over. But I start to maintain my distance when I see someone attempt to harm me. With her, I gave her a lot of chances and at each turn, she always tried to hook up with someone I cared about or cause trouble between my close friends and I. Some psychopathic reason that leads her to try and be the girl in every man's life I guess. And then just cheat on all of them. Lol. And I can imagine her doing exactly that in the future too. A iago, if ever there was one. 

You aren't a good person L. You just aren't. All the people that were close to her... All of us... Everyone has the same conflict, esp the women around her. Pretty sure N would not want to reach out either. 

I still feel a lot of conflict. She was my childhood bff, someone I cared about a lot. And yet. It now feels like I was a fool for doing so. Maybe I wouldn't have hated her as much as I do, had I stood up for myself or called out all this shit. But a friend should not have done these things in the first place. The image of her cozying to J is so burned in my mind that I simply cannot forgive or forget this. It is what it is. 

It's not as if she reached out on her own. She could never take that responsibility or make an effort. Atmost just would manipulate others to try and come off as a victim and force the person to talk... But simply won't reach out to people on her own... Standard... "I got busy yaaa" kinda excuse to everyone like she is somehow more important than everyone else around. Well, you weren't. You were just full of yourself and people eventually left you alone because it's such a sad, loser person trait to be honest. People figure that shit out easily, and it shows the underlying insecurity as well. 

You know ... That is something I will never understand. Is it really that fundamentally important to be seen as superior for some folks? Do they not value just being seen as nice? Or is their self esteem so fragile that it shatters at the thought  of even reaching out on their own? I guess maybe it is. Their loss. Noone will eventually give their time to people who treat them badly. It's just a truth of life. People who are nice, who value themselves, who have integrity... They simply won't cater to this tbh. And in the long run you will lose them and their respect. That's just how it is. Life isn't a zero sum game, eventually things catch up to us. I guess some people figure that out sooner than others. 

Shattered

Drove for 2 hours. Lol. I wish I could do it forever. How to run away from this feeling of wreckage? 

Fuck... Feeling so fucked rn. I can't rid myself of this grief that I'm feeling omg. 

Man. I've hated you so much.  You betrayed me repeatedly and I know you always would, that's who you are. And yet, you were my closest friend, someone I loved and cared for. And I don't know what's gonna happen. I hate being in this prison of choices. You are the shittiest person I know and yet I cared about you so goddamn much and I just feel so horrid hearing this cancer thing and how it's so scary and I'm afraid we will lose you and I just fucking don't know what to do. 

........

Still feel gutted idk what to do.

Just this Jan I had had this thought about how life is short... And how anything can happen. And I had felt so bad about that thing then ... And now ... It's like... Idk man. It's so scary to know L has this and she was at the end of the day a person I've cared about fuck. 

Almost half my life I've hated her. Hated her for betraying me behind my back, for trying to take away people I loved, for constantly... Constantly being that one person who serially hurt everyone I've been close to. And now she has a disease she may not recover from. And I don't know what to do rn. I just don't. 

Idk. Just mindlessly playing chess 

I'm so lost rn

Omg mom just called and told me L has Leukemia. Fuck. 

I am so shocked and stunned and idk what to do. Fuck. I think I'm panicking........ Fuck fuck fuck

Tweety bird

Lol. JB turning philosophical. I wonder what it is about twitter that makes people want to talk about life. I've noticed it a lot. I feel sometimes that it kinda acts like a thought for the day diary entry. It's weird to sometimes see my feed soooo full of philosophy from random people. That, and the influx of random crypto and alpha male dating advice bullshit threads. Fuck. The latter are so fucked up. Treat women this way and that, attract women who aren't attracted to you... The latter has been some trending topic I think. And it's so insulting to women like hey how do I shamelessly attempt to con you should be a better title. Still, I'd rather take a JB going grandpa anytime over the other toxic shit I keep seeing. I think their algo sucks it just keeps pushing random right wing content these days. Or maybe that's muskymans agenda now who tf knows that dude is a nutter.

Salinger

 “I’m just sick of ego, ego, ego. My own and everybody else’s. I’m sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting”

~

A book that taught me you need life experience at times to understand something cuz my god I didn't get this one till I was atleast 21. 

And now I'm profoundly sorry that I got it at all. Life was fucking delightful before that. 

 How does white go from this

To

To this

I don't get it sometimes like that first position all you have to do is give a rook check and win the knight. How do 2400s make these mistakes? 

There must be something about their games that gets them to 2400 though. It can't be arbid. 

I wish I knew what the sub modular level chess skills that are at play here. Pretty sure these guys do one thing better than the other so even though there are holes in the games, over all they must obviously be making less mistakes than others. Hmmm. 

Lmao. So many random realisations one after the other wtf. And here I wanted to just curl up in bed with a nice book and some juice to sip. 

Hmmm. 

I think it's a good idea to put all of this stuff out of my mind for good. No positives will come of any of it, it's best to just live my own life simply and enjoy myself and look forward to things I'm doing. I had fun going out yesterday too, and I think it's best to surround myself with people who make me feel happy. 

Yeah, let's just do that. I'm not even angry or any of that, I think all that stuff has just been squeezed out of me. Heh. That's nice. I don't like that mindspace and I don't like being mad at anyone and it's just best to keep to myself and protect myself, and do things I enjoy from now.

Hehe yeah, go back into the Agassi zone, that was lovely.  

And I need some more sleep and then maybe a workout and then even more sleep haha. Crazy schedule the past few days. Need to rest up good and recharge. 

Lol... I'm back to being at a point where I don't feel anything anymore. Cheers to that. 🥂 

Fuck dude. I really wanted to tell him I beat an IM. It wasn't some great game but it would have been so nice to share it.  

Why tf is he being an ass to me? Why tf has he ever been an ass to me like wtfffff!!! Something I'll simply never know. 

Ugh. It's so weirdly lopsided to feel care for someone on one hand only to realise they deliberately want to make you think they don't give a shit lol... For god knows what reason also. I hate being on bad terms with him but it's not like I caused it. This is no way to trest someone. And it sure as hell isn't the right way to treat someone that's always taken so much care towards you.

For this, and for the multiple other times he has treated me badly... He owes me a genuine and sincere apology.

~

Not much I want from people in life, but I need them to be kind to me and sweet and that can't be off the table ever. :(

~

Man, but the thing I actually dislike about this game is how trash I played as opposed to beating that dude like I don't even care, just that I wish I had not got thrown and actually given it a good shot. These stupid flags suck tbh. Literally my last game after being up all night and still all I wish for is a do over. Lol. Hahaha. Fuck, now I'm just ashamed of it so it's okay no point sharing I'm not feeling proud but rather just embarassed lmao. 

Fish

Okay that notif of the one account I saw that lady from this guys' stream follow really creeped me out lmao. 💀💀💀💀 Whyyy is it so bizzare and sounds like me and has the same rating too wtf. Aaaa. Idk why but it's just toooo creepily similar to my username and that caption legit throws me off. Fuck. It hopefully is just some random coincidence or it could be one of that delver dude's crazy alternates. Haha. I feel like it might be also, he has some insane knack for picking up on how people speak and mimicking them.  Anyway blah. Elane elyne and que sera sera. Que sera sera is something I happened to say a lot 💀💀. Fuck. hahahha. It's funny but also kinda crazy if it's his tbh. Bit too much effort being put into it. Esp sandbagging your rating to this point. 💀💀 Sooo sus. And it will be a bit fucked up if he uses this to get a rise out of M also tbh. I wouldn't put it past him if it's him for reals. It'll be quite a shit thing to do though. 

The fishy smells sometimes just stink up the joint. 💀

Old fashioned

Cheers to the shittiest old fashioned I've ever had. 💯

Grooving to the strains of Lana Del Rey and wondering why tf aren't drinks in this joint a tad bit better. 💀

Atleast the moon was out. 

Hehe. Been up 24 hours cuz couldn't sleep but couldn't miss this goss and drinks session. I love girls nights. ♥️

And yet, getting home and changing into my PJs is so goddamn satisfying lmao. Finally I can sleeeeeep, soooo tired. Face looks exhausted asf too wow.

And yet, I feel happy. 

GRINSSSSS

Night night, world! 😴 

Playing with this kid and seeing her do gymnastics. So small and cute man. She came and gave me a hug tooooo. Omg 🥺🥺. Girl kids are super sweet. Those asshole boy kids just threw water balloons at me and laughed lmao. 🤣 Fuckers. Hahah

~

Seeing Federer's documentary and he is just weeping throughout hahah. Omg. Just so adorbs he is. I feel like Mirka most times man... Fuck. M just teasing me saying this is exactly how I'll be with a guy hahahha. Yeah, I think it's true. I just looooove taking care of someone and I don't think I'll have a problem with someone as cuddly as FedEx, I think I'll just love that. He does come across as very self centred in this though, I kinda don't like that about him. But maybe it's the way this was shot? Idk. The bits about Djoko are just such cheap shots at him ahahhaha. That's like a collection of the worst footage of him lmaoooo. So petty. I think FedEx just haaates him. Both of them seem to hate each other tbh. Lol. Oh well, what is sports without a good, petty rivalry? No fun, that's what it is. 

Beat a titled player wtf

Beat an IM at bullet what the actual fuck. 

Aaaa. And halfway through the game realised it's saying titled player and it threw me off and I blundered a rook lmao. Like bruh. Shit, should not have noticed it, would have played better tbh and tried to find better moves also. Felt like I had fallen asleep or was dreaming lmao. Or that he was hustling me lmao. Shiiit... I got so thrown by this pairing. Ordinarily I never glance at an opponent name or rating until after the game is done ugh. Even his pawns were better towards the end but fuck it. Haha. Stupid rook loss just made me scramble 

What in the world is happening and howww.

~

Done with chess for the day fuck this lmao. Too surreal. 

Anthem

For the love of rock, my first love. Let's goooooooo!

 Take me out

Bonus:

No You Girls

My fav track oof. 

Do you never wonder? ;) 

Another bet?

 

For suuuure this 2400 is going to try and take that pawn and trap his queen. I just know it. 

Waiting, waitinggggg

Aaaand there we go. With 9 mins on the clock in a 10 min game. 💀💀💀💀💀

I find this sooooo frustrating it's not even funny anymore. 3rd time in 2 days. 💀💀💀💀💀