30th May

Everytime I see something sweet. No matter how my day has been, my mind just goes to that one place. And I love it soooo much like. I do not have words to describe how deeply I feel certain things, and how deeply I care about them. Heh. This tiny little dream of mine. How I cherish you with all my might. 

Secret garden was a book I loved, when I grew up... I realised how many things in it were racist, and that tainted it so. But the core of it still stayed within me. To just keep something safe and nurture it. It's the core part of me that seeks expression always. I hope it never fades away or gets mucky. I really do. Nothing is ever pristine, but that doesn't mean we don't try. Always been the motto. 

Ugh. Should I buy it for myself? 🤔 

Found a couple of rings I find super pretty rn. Even though I know I won't exactly wear it all the time. 

Dilemmas! 

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Fuck this. I could have one against that 2100 i really should have. Loving playing while seeing djoko rn. M's anxiety over him is sometimes very overwhelming.  Nevertheless man. What a champion dude. Noone should be anything less than flattered asf to be compared to him. Truly. I wish he gets this over the line, I really do. But either way, what a champion mentality. To stick it out when he is so completely tired. Just a couple of years ago he would have won this in three. That's nuts. I like Fonsu lots but producing this level against him even now is just beautiful. I love this match. 

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Wow, that was something else. Tennis is the best flipping sport in the world. ♥️

Everytime I see this swashbuckler he is losing that game like wtf. 🙄 Come onnnnn. 

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Nvm I also lost more lol. Pathetic. 🎉🎻🎻🎻🎻

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Imma see Jodar play today let's see how he is. Heh. I bet a certain someone would have seen him a year ago only. 

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Wow hailstones pelted me lmaooooo. Noice. Fuckers are sooo hard haha. 

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Oh my Jodar is nice to see. Good going. I like michelsen too tbh. He looks like Anisimova's brother. Lol, long extended bathroom break. 

I really want some nice younglings to rise up. Need a kickass bunch of competitors. Wish it happens. Also another Rafa man. Oof. Don't 🥺

Why is their kit the same though lol I can't tell who is who. Crazyyyyy

 PINNED PAWNS. OMG. 

These effing noob mistakes I deserve to be 1700 only complete waste. Complete. Sheesh. Pathetic asf. 

I wonder how many words it's been. It's crazy, I never knew someday I'll venture out into a completely new arena. Well, atleast it's fun and I enjoy it. That's all we can do really, spend our time on things we find meaningful.

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I knew sinner will gtfo this year. For once I'm relieved. That fucking 25. Just one more man. I really hope it happens. I want this ajja to limp his way to victory if he must but just that one fucking time he should get there man. One last hurrah for the old gen. 

I was feeling cheerful and then I realised it's cuz it's the last day of periods and I'm back to the mean. Lmao. 

World feels so nice and happy. Like the sun is shining et al.  Heh. I wish to see a good week of tennis, actually I wish to go to RG itself. Hmmm. I really should plan sometime. Would love to be there. 

I wanna have some fun!!!!

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There's ALWAYS INTERIM MOVES. PAWNS CAN MOVE FORWARD. 

I am not happy again stupid chess ugh. Gotta streak my way to 2200!!!!

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Lmc if this guy is playing get some inspo. 

Nvm he also lost the one game I saw. Stupid chess. 

Okay 2020. Needs to be 2220. Just a matter of a missing 200 points. Childs play. 😌

Ugh. But seriously though... A tiny bit of thinking goes a long way. Fairly certain I can at the very least close this gap. And I think this part of the journey might be more enjoyable too, given there would be actual thinking involved. I am low key excited by this. 🎉 I also know I won't be happy no matter what rating tbh. If it's 2200, I'll get used to it then wonder how to get to 23 and 24. Oh well. I suppose that's not a bad way to be. Let's see how it goes. I really do feel 24 is the decent end of non titled play, like for a noob that's respectable. 

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Royer is trying yet not able to do much. Interesting. How fit is Djoko even? I feel like fitness levels have gone up overall in older folks now. Or who knows... Maybe the newbs are just blah. 

Djoko. I saw him in my dream. Lol. Of all the weird things. Arguing with him about something. And then ... Omg. I dreamt about this boy and for some reason he was sucking at chess and needled him by saying sheesh at this rate my rating will catch up 🤣🤣🤣. Omg talk about putting hand in lion's mouth. Hahaha. Fuck, I can just imagine the dam it triggers in him if some noob says that to him, just sheer waves of hate. Oh boy. Who knows maybe that'll inspire him to get that 28 and stay there. Might be just the push. Funny he hates djoko when he himself also likes to perform to shut the haters up. Interesting. And likes dancing. And languages. Ahahahahhaa omggggg. This would deffo be more triggering. You are more like djoko than FedEx.  

Oh baby! How I wish I could say this. Just 💀💀💀🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼

Petty spiteful shit like this gives me joy at times. You know. Like just irritating someone cuz they've annoyed you. Mwah! 🙂💋

Being woken up from a strange dream is a very surreal experience. It's just so weird when you feel like you were in a diff reality altogether. These days if something wakes me up before I'm done sleeping I get a mild headache. And for some reason I was completely engrossed in a thing I can't even remember atm. 

Meddy never ceases to disappoint..never. just. Why. Ugh. What a washout.

Finished work, ran errands, rained beautifully, came back for coffee and match and boom. Meddy doing his thing. Ugh. 

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Heyyy I'm back to 2000 rapid. Well, that wasn't even tough..something is weird here... Idk how I slid down to 1800 and idk why this climb didn't feel tough either. Strange asf. 

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I wish to see summit of the gods. And I wish to be 21 hundo. Actually 22. Ugh. I WANNNNTTTTT

 The second game I played was SO FUN! OOOF. omg I love sharp and complex positions so damn good it feels. 

There's something about beating someone higher rated that just gives such a thrill. Like just get dug in and try to outmanoeuvre feels sooooooooooo adrenaline inducing. 

Mama, mia! 

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Omg this game against Oleg even better ooof. Felt so GOOD. 🤌🏼

Feels like flying too close to the sun ngl. Wingsss

 There was always this dialogue in my mind, said half jestfully, to a nebulous entity I wished to love deeply.

 "How much do I love you? Too much."

 I wished to contain the truth and my fear in one statement. Loving someone brings me joy, it also brings me the fear of not being loved. In that paradox I lived half my life, but I shall not do that for the second half. I suppose I wish to love you just enough, but only reach that point side by side. Toil and trouble it may be, but who cares, amiright?

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Reading Master and Margherita brings me back to this thought. 

The idea of the devil seems so merciful in this. But the part about Yeshua and Pontius Pilate really captured me. 

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Well, I guess I wish to love you just enough. And I wish for you to love me too much. Hehe. But love should be a privilege not a curse, I would not wish for you to be burdened. So, I suppose I hope you love me just enough too. 

Maybe the truth of life is simply honouring that which feels divine. 

You know what. Everytime some life event comes by, it feels like I'm adrift in the midst of it and then somehow I feel a pull to go back to the mean. There are certain things I wish to be consistent about. And I miss them when they aren't there. Like even chess. I don't like when I'm not into it. Gotta streak a bit. 

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Today was a good day overall though. I'd like to be more productive but yeah. Not too shabby. Feels nice. 

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Periods are late this time and I'm wanting salty chips and missing someone haha. Fucking hormones. I don't wanna go to the doc either 😔😅. I'm sure it's the heat and running and general exhaustion causing it. 

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Women's tennis sometimes disappoints me so much. Looking at anisimova starting out so sluggish against a non seed is just tragic. Just why

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Finally playing a little better. Feels nice ngl. I guess I can call it a night now. 

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Slam season finally here, whew! Djoko looking in good spirits too. Just one more man, please.

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I am legit excited. My shipping tube also coming along. This week will be so nice!

Omg painkillers are a nightmare, I feel so groggy and sleepy even now. Very sluggish. 

Had a fitful dream too. Sitting in a wooden cafe and someone was there trying to show off a lot. It was so weird. I felt like I was stuck between two choices again. 💀 

You know when you are on a high mountain with a sheer drop and a sensation of wanting to leap takes over? Kinda like that, but way more uneasy. Hmmm. I do not like uneasy dreams. stupid pill.

Something is sharply different in my mindset these days. There's a sense of not caring for outcomes that has solidified in a way I wasn't expecting. And it's nice, cuz it feels as if I'm finally free of any burdens I was putting on myself. Heh. Free of self imposed limits. That feels nice ngl. I suppose I'd like to change some courses and I'm looking forward to it. Goody

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Reading Pascal's wager and I have a fundamental issue with the 2x2 he is postulating. The idea of a god that punishes you for not believing in them is at odds with the idea of devotion in general to me. It's interesting how the eastern values kinda run after spirituality, and the concept of freedom from birth cycles. It's antithetical to the idea of god being the supreme virtue that can bless you to see them simultaneously as someone to fear. Weird, huh?