I am loathe to do a run today. Just do not want to. Want to just snooze, and cycling feels tedious too. Why so lazy?
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Ugh. Cycled for an hour just because. Damn, it's slow compared to running. I don't mind it outside but on the stationary bike it's quiiiiite lengthy. Maybe I'm just moping and cribbing cuz pms lol. Fuck it. Mopes it is! I don't even want to shower lolol. Yukky
Driving in traffic is so ridiculous sheesh. Cannot believe how long I was stuck.
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It was good to see dad here for a change. A short trip, but nice. I'm glad. Everyone seemed to get along too. I noticed how he likes it when people are being smiley and sweet. And how much my mom's behaviour actually makes him want to run off lol. It's strange how one person's insecure reactions just end up being traumatising for someone else. These kind of harsh emotions and constant negative bs is such a relationship killer man. If they were my gen, he would have fucked off long back. Hmmm. Sobering thought. Oh well. Time to put all this aside.
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I have so much writing to finish good lord. Backlog is crazy. Need to really just drill down and get stuff done. I want to badly publish a few kids' novels. Damn.
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I love fauda. Lior raz is so good at making shows. Soooo good. I like how distinct all the men on this show look, and the women are simply stunning. So, so beautiful. Raz scamming on every pretty one every season too lmao. Perks of being the writer and showrunner haha. Just gives himself make out scenes for no reason.
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7 more days till periods and I'm already experiencing my pms cramps jesus. My uterus is hatin on me why why why
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Haven't played at all today, but saw someone get 27. Interesting.
Some mornings you wake up early and photos sends you a cute album. Hehe. I don't have too many pics as a kid but the few I do are so nice.
I used to love my weird outfits too, so fun. Can't find a single pic with a normal one lol
Dammit 2 beers and I feel high. Lol. And I feel so much fondness for someone I should not.
Ugh. UGHHHH.
One of the legit mysteries of life for me is not knowing why this one person matters to me so much that I feel like being my best self for them, wanting to just do more and be more and just be responsible. I've never felt like being responsible so completely towards someone before...now for once in life I do. I don't know where that thought takes me, but it definitely has put me into this trajectory of wanting to be very responsible towards them, a burden I was so reluctant to undertake for anyone else lmao. Hehe. I like that tbh, I like knowing that I wish to come through for someone. Finding a core drive is always a good thing, and I feel this one will pay dividends in the long run. It's the spark I was missing forever.
With or without you. Maybe you were just a conduit...it'll be a shame if I simply forget who you were someday. Oh well, what can anyone say. I mean I could say a lot. Drunk enough to feel affection but not enough to feel anything more. That's good, I like knowing how streamlined my feelings are now. I shall never sell myself out for anyone ever again.
Sic vita est, vita bona est.
Watching a davis cup match today woohoo. Omg. I'm so glad tennis is a part of my life. Feels good.
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This was fun!
Maaan. I wanna go to more tourneys. AO next year! ♥️🤌
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A beer after a long day and NOW I WANT YO WAYCH GOSSIP GIRL CUz I'm drunk let's goooooooooooo
I love this show so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺♥️♥️♥️
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Rufus is a doofus
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Omg drunk bullet with GG in the BG let's fucking gooooo
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God I hate Blair. I hate her soooo much that stupid prissy attitude, that controlling bullshit that fucked up repressed asf personality jesus what an atrocious character yuck. 🤮
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Heh.
I know you love me.
Xoxo
💋
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I could so easily write a book like this. Frivolous, satirical and oh so fun to masterbate to. Emotionally ofc.
I am going to sketch jam jars. They look so damn pretty and wholesome that I simply must.
Ugh. I mean... Just look at that so pretty!
I am going to recreate this raspberry one tonight when I get some time to spare.
When your heart isn't willing, but your... Ugh fuck even mind isn't willing. Why? Lmao. WHY?
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I know I should but I do not want to, why this hold on me ya?
Crazy.
Well, we can't term them crossroads then, can we? More like a one lane highway going straight sans exits.
Pathetic, I am pathetic. Bah, humbug.
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FUCK IT.
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A bday selfie to preserve a year gone by. Unvarnished, as it should be.
Really like this
I think I'm gonna create something like this and ship it to bro for his bday. It'll be nice. And I hope he likes it lol. Hmmm. I should think of something in diff colours for him maybe.
This is so simple and heavily inspired by Picasso and Frida both. I do like the cohesiveness of it and the colours, even if it's easy to make once you get the idea of it. Hmmm. Dammit I wanna paint a big canvas it's been ages. Lmc what I can do.
Never worn sarees but some are just so pretty man. Legit. Hehe, maybe I'm finally not a tomboy and can one day try something more graceful and feminine. I suppose my tastes are a fair bit feminine but not ultra so. I'd like to try it out a little bit sometime.
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There's so many artforms in this country, esp regional ones. I love that. Phulkari, some of the Kutch embroidery, ikat prints ooof.
Geometry, always has my heart. ♥️ And this fabric is divine just so subtle and gorgeous. I want!
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Got ai to generate something depicting love and care towards someone in this style. It's really cool what all it can do and so quick.
Whew. Feb is already here wuuuut. There's so much to get done this month. Kinda overwhelming but also feels good.
In the middle of so many moving parts now. It feels nice.
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Seeing old pics and it's been fucking ages since the pandemic man. What a time that was, just changed everything. Hmmm. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I really, truly, deeply wish to make it count and I am very much looking forward to it now. Finally, huh? Took me fucking forever.
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Going back to reading master and margarita, had paused it halfway. I really like how quirky this book is, esp the bits about Pontius Pilate and Jesus. Abrahamic religions place so much value on sin and doing the right thing, it's an interesting contrast with more eastern ones that value liberation from earthly cycles. Some are so essentially human focused, the others of spirit. I've never felt like you need a concept of religion or god to do the right thing, maybe that's why I keep coming back to.
"Is the pious loved by the gods because it is pious, or is it pious because it is loved by the gods?"
I always lean to the former articulation, since to me it means doing the right thing for its sake is the highest good and you can be an atheist and still love it. You can be looking at a North Star that god itself wishes to love and strive towards. There's something very humbling about that thought to me, a way to honor the divine and the cosmos by paying homage to what feels like the essense of life.
I could be completely wrong about it too, but even if I am, it's okay because not harming someone and trying for virtue is an end unto itself. Hmmm. I really should put another semi philosophical book into the roster once I'm done with this one. It's good I found an audiobook but unfortunately I fall asleep when I listen lmao. Haha. It takes me like 3 mins and poof, I'm asleep. Same thing happened when I tried meditation just straight up fell asleep every.single.time.
Okay, I should try to tackle this book today. Atleast finish ten pages. Let's gooooo.
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Oh hey T is online I can just switch on his strem and use it as radio. Heh. Using the guy who codes lichess as bg radio was never a thing I thought I'd be doing but here we are. I'm sure he would like that too tbh. Heh. He genuinely seems like a good dude too. I hope he is one... God knows my faith in humanity needs some restoration. Tiny steps.
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This is what he decided to play to wake up, this. This. Hahahhaha what the fuck aaaa. Omg I can't stop laughing at how unhinged this is, there goes my quiet reading session fuck. NVM!
Had a nice dream of going on some sort of a fantasy adventure with NGC and for some reason a person resembling tari lmao. Idk what he was even doing in the background haha. It felt nice, we were looking for something. I bet it's some weird movie paraphrasing but I cannot remember what it is. I really liked it
In bed by 8 and just whiling away time. What a long day it was today. Crazy, with a dash of almond brittle. Bday stuff lasted quite a while, it was good. I really enjoyed myself this year. I'm glad. Got such a nice gift too. Zomg. The entire set. Maaan. ♥️ My friends are the best!
I'm glad I have people in life that care about me and wish to do well by me. Ever since I made a conscious effort to prioritise only those who are, life has become very streamlined. That's good. I guess I should have kept things like that from the start, but what is life without some stupid asf mistakes, huh?
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Aaand summer is already going to start wtf yo. This heat will be tough to deal with on runs. Can't believe I actually have to buy ORS now, also pickle juice lmao. I'm gonna try that if I get cramps haha.
I really am looking forward to better runs. It's one of the things that is becoming the highlight of my day. All that cycling has paid off in that nothing seems monotonous after cycling good lord it is a tedious exercise haha. 30-40 min runs just pass by so quickly now though, the time perception has actually changed. And trying to cycle again feels like wowza it's taking forever. Still, I think it's good to have a mental ability to withstand tediousness.
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Also, Djoko. I felt so bittersweet. I knew it was going to be very difficult, and part of me wanted him to win the 25 as well. But all I'm genuinely left with is respect and humility and a sense of loss. With him retiring, the era of childhood and my first love of sports comes to a close. It's indeed very strange. I know all other players will rise but the feeling of loving and rooting for Roger and hating on Djoko and finding Nadal to be the bestest cutest ever is kinda in the past since I can't see them on court haha. I'm glad I got to witness it all, because as much as it is an era coming to a close, it still formed a huuuuge part of me. Heh. A sport noone around me followed, so I suppose in some sense it was very solitary but who cares. I wonder if P still loves tennis. Hehe. Bestie she was lol. Watching that speech where he thanked Rafa just brought tears to my eyes too. It's been soooo meaningful, truly. To see people strive and to root for them to get there. It was wonderful. I hope to root for everyone I love always. For the little things in life and the big ones. Hehe. Even if they boil an egg right I'd like to be there to say good job hehe.
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Cheers to beginning a new year of life, and here's hoping it brings many a milestones and happy moments with it. I hope I find my center. I really want to. :)
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Falling asleep by 12 at night these days instead of my usual post midnight waking sessions. That's good. Who knows how long it lasts lol. The perennially elusive sleep cycles.
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Ugh this stupid djoko retiring has made me emotional wtf hahahah. I am still feeling like crying lil bit. Jesus.
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And this one for the current boy genius. That's one hell of a composition. Just love it.
