Khalifaaaa

Seeing some Mia Khalifa memes and omg my boobs are a bit like hers 💀💀. Noot as big thankfully but in a push up they have a similar effect ffs. God. Of all the things to notice. Heh. I think women notice boobs more than men notice boobs 

Seeing old pics now. So much of it is bittersweet. I felt like an outsider in so many moments of my life. Even now, I don't have that feeling of belonging somehow. But I guess it'll come in due time. Hmmm. 

The weird thing about nostalgia no. I think I spent so much of my time running away from stuff that I barely focused on where I actually want to go lol. If that makes sense. What's that quote? " Wherever you go, there you are?" Or something like that. But yes. 

In some sense I blamed circumstances outside of my control. But maybe a lot also had to do with me not being in a space where I was taking active steps to ask myself what do I want? 

Lol. I just sent some random thing about RaGa to M and he just said some perfunctary line about asking his other friends about politics and just that one moment kinda stung me. I just felt like... People you actually talk to?

I don't think in my entire life I've ever been treated that way. Ever. At the time I wondered what the reasons could be and now I realise whatever the reasons are, nothing justifies hurting me like that. If I'd done the same, I'm sure he wouldn't have given a shit why I did it. 

Well...For starters, I want people to treat me right and be nice lmao.

Haha. Meh, fuck it whatever. I told myself I'm letting it go and I have. No point dwelling.

Plus a person should actively want you in their life, of their own choosing. That's just fundamental and it's fine if someone doesn't. I hate feeling like someone got stifled or felt threatened and it's not the right thing to push them in that kinda corner too. Guess that's what it came down to in the end for me. Distress, coercion, a sense of... "If I don't do this, I'll lose this person etc"... These are not fears I want anyone to have about me nor do things for me because they fear losing me or something. They should feel happy, safe and comfortable, and actually want to see me happy and make me also feel good and safe with them. Plus if someone doesn't even care that much about me then... idk... what's there to say...So leave it. Been through enough in life as it is haha, can't keep getting hurt all the time lol. Gotta protect myself too. Funny but now I've also let go of any expectation of consideration on his part for me. But I guess that's just how it is, that right he had to earn and he hasn't so it is what it is too. He needs to be able to create that feeling of safety in me also, that is not up to me. All that stems from a place of strength and an internal desire to care about a person. Can't be faked. Anyhoo, not coming back to these thoughts again. 

For now...All I want to do is work hard and create something I find value in. The latter bit is very important to me cuz I need that sense of purpose in work otherwise just starts feeling v empty. And I want to feel like I can make something that noone can take away from me in some sense. Carve a niche that's genuinely mine and I can be proud of. 

In general I think chasing goals just feels good, you can immerse in it and the payoff is happiness. So I'd like to focus on that and a couple other things I have in the pipeline. 

I actually found a good idea that I think can work too. So kinda excited to see what shape and form it can take. 

This shall do for now.

Sitting awake and looking at some old pics of grandad and such. I never really ever considered how much influence he had when he was alive, I was so small that time. But I remember that one party meeting he took me to and everyone giving me so much importance lol. He was a patriarch in the true sense though. I barely know much about him, my decision to stay the fuck away from family always prevented me from wanting to get to know, but it might be interesting after all these years. Weird. I've never been interested in politics and such, always found them shady. But both my dad and my grandad were actually a part of the govt and even now dad works for the transport dept under that CM, so technically still affiliated with govt. 

Heh. Wish I'd inherited some measure of political thinking and diplomacy, I have none haha. I would be the worst politician ever I'm sure. Best to focus on children's novels lol

Ooo..finally it's just cool again. Yay. I love it. One nice bout of rain always helps

Waking up one morning on my bday trip last year. 

And me messing around with liner and lipstick day before  

Somehow, I think I prefer not having on make up any longer. Even though I look tired and sleepy asf in the first one, I still prefer being that way. Hmmm. Strange. But just feels more natural and nice somehow. 

Have changed a lot

Dark and Light

Man. Just so fucked up to read that shit about Fabi. I hate the adult world sometimes, and chess world in particular is so depressing yuck. I hate it all. I didn't even let myself think of the implications of it all because it's all so murky. I absolutely hate it all. What a grown fucking guy of 30 is thinking doing this is beyond me. Or how they can bring themselves to. Are chess people so developmentally challenged like everyone says? Idk and I don't want to know. 

~

This is why I want to write childrens' novels I think. That's my internal reason. I want there to be some beauty in the world, some innocence, some light. It's just my way of trying to create it. Maybe the joy I fail to see in the world, I can create in worlds of my own. Hehe. Maybe that's why I love Calvin and Hobbes too so much. 

Hehe. This has my heart. 

Well, onwards to chapter 3 tonight. 

Oh the battles we must face

Damn reading that book now and shit, that's a shit ton of analysis. It's really amazing the effort that's gone into it. Told him so, and he promptly ignored that lmao.  That paranoid ass will view niceness as sus hahahhaa. What an oddball. Sketchy behaviour a dime a dozen he sees day in and day out and takes it in stride but I bet his walls go up the minute he senses niceness and then ignores it. Lmao. Atmost he will put one heart I bet. I would totally not be surprised if he did that and then didn't say anything. You are such a goof man. Too bad you don't understand how well I actually understand and accept you both. I bet knowing that someone accepts him just for him is something he doesn't trust at all. Hahaha. Dodo. If that day shall ever come that he internally realises that he actually trusts me, istg I'll need to do the traditional coconut breaking thing at a temple just to thank the lords lmao. I actually think it must be one of the hardest things in the world for him to do, to just feel safe and know that he is safe with me implicitly. Lmao, he will probably lose his mind and try to sabotage our equation and test my patience to the utmost before he gets there for suuuuuuure.

Well too bad, it's time he got used to normal niceness at the very least. Semi jokingly rolling my eyes as I type this but yes, it's high time he does. True mastery is getting over our own fears, darling. And the only way forward is through. Be relentless. 

Contemplated if I should tell him but then I did. Hope he keeps it to himself and doesn't tell his work people. He seems to trust a bunch but idk man. I kinda don't and I don't like things like this being left to the devices of blabbermouths. Esp that idiot A, he never knows when he should keep his mouth shut. I just hate that shit.

Lol, I'm only such a private person that the idea that someone's life gets malicious behaviour doesn't sit right with me. I'm so careful I never write names anywhere even when I have never shared even this space with anyone. I recall when my first blog got that random asshole who kept spamming abuses. Fucker from L's uni who was a complete dick. Sheesh. 

Ugh. But it's okay, he should know I guess. And I'm sure he knows how to be discerning too. Here's hoping. 

For a Rainy Eve

Last a while 

Pretty, pretty! 

~

Oooh and this Phoebe

Damn I love their beats and that sultry way of singing so much. Absolutely my vibe. I find it so damn seductive. Just slow, easy, rhythmic, inviting. 

~

And if you don't love me noooow

You will never love me again.

The Chain

Listen to the wind blooooowww

Tennis

 Heh. Baby me.

Man, one of the worst courts I'd played in and played there for a good two years. Crazy stuff. But such funnnn. Tennis was the one thing that kept me happy with all the other pressure or studies and competitive exams and what not. I'm really grateful to this game. Fuck. I used to spend 3-4 hours playing there and I remember that awesome feeling after two hours of play where you just felt like you could go on and on and on. 

God I love this game ♥️

Aaaa. I just feel bad about this guy's past ya. That stupid shit I read just really scarred me only lol. Told him I understand why he hates conflict. Ugh. I honestly hope he lets all that baggage go though. For his own mental peace. 

Maaaaan. Stupid ass shitty people always giving grief to others. 

I wonder sometimes why he stayed with such folks. But maybe at times you just don't know any better who knows. Idk man... Like the one time I spoke to one of his friends, maybe for a day and a half... And then realised that okay he is being erratic and coming on to me despite me saying no. So then I stopped talking. Same with that other dude. I was okay knowing new folks but not at that cost. These filters should be intrinsic. But maybe it takes time to build them for some people. Hmmm. Well, I hope he will be fine, that's all.

No point in carrying negativity forward, doesn't do anything productive.

Blah. Fuck it.

Anyway, it takes just one person to be nice and genuine and all the rest of the pieces in life just fall into place. Nothing to worry about too much.

Aaaaand I gotta order myself some good lunch zomg I'm soooo hungry today. Egggsssssss

And woooork. So much to dooooo.

Waking up nice and rested. Feels so good man. Nothing like a good night's sleep to make you upbeat the next day. 

Alrighty, time to get some work done. Let's gooooo.

Ooo and Thibault is online I can use him as my radio again hahaa. Good shit. He plays some awesome work music. Great taste. Followed him on lastfm and turns out we listen to a whole lotta same stuff. Must be an overlap of wanting work music that's not distracting. Nice nice. 

Time to have a good day. 

Lipstick

Finally bought a new one, and clicking pics like a giiiirl.

Embrace cringe when noone is watching 

I may never learn how to do a full face of make up, but daaaamn I love a good lipstick. 💄

Bonus track that's making me swoon cuz the beats are so damn good. That damn violin ugh. 

I can do anything

Esp the beats after 2.00. Oh myyy. So damn good. If you play me that, I'd dance to your tunes every single time. 

Oh and found another fav. 

Chuck and Blair huh. Heh. Twisted as you were, you did love each other. And Chuck. He never sold anyone out. Might have been a nutjob when he pleased, but he was the only one who saved everybody. I liked that about him. Dependable, in the end. 

Shells of silver

Ps - Selfish people are never dependable, P. Always know that. 

Reading some more blogs and articles on BPD and found this: 

" A defining factor of BPD is that we are plagued with no sense of self.

In between partners I would find myself completely lost and out of my depth. I did not know who I was until I had attached to someone else. My life had no purpose until I could fill it with someone who loved and cared for me.

When I was with partners, I struggled to understand them. I think I can speak for a lot of people with BPD when I say that we simply just don’t understand other people. We don’t understand their motives or just plain anything. "

Like wtf. 

How is this even possible? Dayum man. I've known some folks who date shit tons and can't be alone ever, but if this is what drives them then that's so fucked up. It always struck me as odd that people aren't okay in their own company, and I know loads of people get married or dare because they can't be alone but that can't be because they all have BPD. So there must be a spectrum that people exist on. 

Wow. And I can't even imagine what having no sense of self is like. Or to change personality based on people around you. What the fuck. It's bad enough on its own but to feel compelled to do it? Bruh. 

Okay I'm genuinely mind blown at this. I don't think I've ever met someone like this to be honest. And it even said their mood swings to extremes within minutes. That's so unstable. 

What the fuck was M thinking if he ever was with someone like this? Duuuuude. Oh my god. Fuck I don't even know what to say. 

I thought that bong dude I knew was erratic but no, I have zero experience even knowing someone this way. Why the fuck did M stick around someone like this?! Didn't it strike him as extremely unreal? Like these mood shifts etc alone seem like they'll be hell to live with. And you'd be constantly on edge around that person because you don't want them to fly off the handle or do something horrible. Fuck. 

Brooooo. I used to think dealing with people like A was hell but no, she was definitely nasty asf but nowhere close to this shit. She once blocked me for 3 months cuz I sent her some Ed Sheeran song lyrics and she took offence to them for some reason and then unblocked me near her birthday and then yelled at me for not wishing her. 💀💀 Wasn't even the worst thing she did to me but my god, it was pure hell knowing her. Imagine dating someone who behaves like this. Now I'm just sorry for her husband. But I get why she picked him too, his whole identity is fawning over her to a point where it's very gross to see. Like why can't he have some sense of himself or some purpose and I used to wonder why tf she picked that guy of all people. But I guess people like this can't be with someone equal or stronger than them, cuz they can't be controlled. 💀

Wow. Okay I think I understand better why he seems to hate conflict too. It must just make him on edge and feel powerless also if he feels like he is compelled to behave a certain way. I know how much I hated it when I had to feel like I was under A's thumb and had to cater to her needs or she would get nasty. That's a horrid feeling. Even K hated it and never married her because of the trauma she inflicted on him. And she is horrible but not this bad. 

Mofo. 

This guy should have just told me earlier about this, I'd have understood him better then. Poor thing. A lot of his behaviour makes sense to me, in this context. Or why he is so keen on keeping his friend away from that other crazy lady. Must have first hand knowledge of what this is like. 

Plus I've hated that feeling of powerlessness where you cater to someone at the cost of your own self. So I know the fear and unsettling feeling it leaves you with constantly. 

Ugh. 

Aaaaa why would you stay with a person like this you dodo! I mean I guess I get it, I've also been in a similar situation and didn't leave for ages thinking the other person will change. Man, what a shitshow. 

These articles make me grateful I booted A to be honest. A good reminder.🎗️

Not able to play also lol. Damn. Entire body feels drained asf today. Sheesh.

Cluster B Research

Reading more about BPD and narcissism. I find the human mind very fascinating. The stuff I've read about Buddhism and a lot of eastern philosophy actually comes to mind here. They are all geared towards having a healthy set of control over your own mind. Which would ideally negate any of these issues, maybe that's why they were designed in the first place. How interesting. I felt very bad when I read both disorders to be honest. The fact that something hurt you to the extent that people end up with these traits is so awful. Pretty much all texts are saying it happens due to childhood neglect and trauma. That's so fucked up dude. I hate people who hurt kids. Just hate them. 

And so many people do grow up in households where their mental mindset is never really taken into account. It's a story that's way more common than it needs to be. But as you grow older you have a responsibility to yourself to realign yourself. Atleast I believe that. Have to end that cycle of shittiness from within. 

I had felt so much delayed trauma after my last two relationships that I simply felt shut down, then when I started feeling better there was such a sense of fear of getting hurt again. It was a hellish experience, particularly with the narc, because it was so unreal to day in and day out just be subjected to the feeling of not being human, of someone willingly trying to belittle you, ignore everything about you, ignore even the smallest things you do that you might be proud of... Because acknowledgement from them comes at the price of self respect. You literally have to ask them lots so they feel like their opinion is valued. For even the simplest of things. I had no idea people like that exist earlier, and I kept thinking something is wrong with me maybe. Lol. How sad. It was an unfortunate mix of fears too I guess. But the experience, and every experience since has actually taught me that valuing myself is of prime importance. So in that way I'm actually grateful. It helped me release, understand and change for the better. Haha. Just decided to remove all baggage from the past and kept at it until it was gone. 

I recall how bad I had felt when M point blank refused to say hi to me. It hurt so damn much to know that a person I'd hitherto been so caring to, whose insecurities I'd tried to be mindful of from the start would just straight up treat me this way. When I first met him, it used to surprise me that he would get offended over some things I considered not too great. Then I felt like hmmm, okay maybe someone who is always trying their best doesn't like it when they feel like someone is being critical, which I wasn't to be fair, but at the same time I realised if he interprets it that way, then I should be more mindful and phrase things in a way that don't make him feel bad. At most steps, I tried to make him feel comfortable, something I do for most people I care about. And then to have that person just straight up be like no was so weird and unsettling. As I got over the hurt, I also realised that at the end of the day I'm not entitled to anyone's care and if they genuinely feel a need to be so firm about something then obviously it's not right to push and I let it go and didn't judge him or be nasty to him. It would have been mighty easy for almost anyone else to just be like fuck you, you are an asshole. But even assholes are entitled to keep their boundaries and I meant what I said then, like you obv don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with. For me, it was the last moment of any expectation that I had, which I let go. And in a sense it was great because it's the right thing to do. While I do think that treatment and the silence for a month after was unwarranted, I also realised that he has a lens that's only aimed at protecting himself. I used to find it insulting that someone can question  my integrity, I still do tbh. But I've come to detach enough to realise it's actually not about me at all. It's just an existential think for him to want to feel safe. Funnily enough, that just made me feel bad. Like so fucking bad. Cuz like... I can't imagine being in a situation where life has made you so paranoid that you feel like you need to always be on alert. And it must be something awful to have made him that way. Even that thing he said about 1000 calls like wtf. He said it so casually like it's an everyday thing. No, it isn't. It's fucking abusive asf. And honestly I can't even imagine a guy doing this to me, I'd be terrified. It made me understand him a bit better tbh. I'd have been v insulted earlier if I thought someone thinks I'd be this way to them and that's why they need to be firm. Now I just feel a sense of compassion cuz I realised it's really not about me, it's about him and his past. And that fucking felt worse cuz wth man. He is my friend at the end of the day, and as hurtful as he has been at times, the idea that someone would have done something so bad to him is very unsettling and I hate it. Weird that knowing him has actually made me confront a whole lot of my own internal fears and let them go. It was a funny situation, the things he triggered in me were all my internalised fears and not things he had actively done. And we are both somewhat similar in that maybe we are both trusting people who got fucked so now are trying to ensure it doesn't happen again. Great...now I feel bad for this ass lmao. He truly is an ass though. Haha. I'm fond of him, but my god he can be an ass. God knows I've been extremely cautious about trusting him too, it's not as if there haven't been moments where I thought some awful things about him too. For that I am sorry. I should not talk to someone if I think they are capable of shit like that and if I am talking to them then I should not let my mind go towards something so nasty. I genuinely regret that part. I never told him so, but maybe someday I will. I must have been a bit erratic too at times and he didn't judge me for it, but has been steady in his own right. And For that I am grateful. I guess there are some people in the world that you actually want in your corner for some reason, and I wanted to know he would be in mine. Idk if that's wrong or right, it just is what it is. I actually don't care about his achievements or anything else, but something about the person he is, is the thing that I genuinely liked from the start. Cuz achievements and all are great, but I've known so many high achievers over the years and I don't really value that beyond a point, cuz a loooot of them were also turds. Such folks never are good in the long run, they don't make you happy even in friendships. Always just trying to pull someone down or compete with them for no reason, it's just shameful. 

Sometimes you just go through a bad phase right. Hehe. I know now that there will be balance in our friendship, atleast from my end. A person who impacted my life, whatever the stage and state it may be in, is at the end of the day someone who makes a difference. But it's time for the difference to be a net positive and genuine too, and add some happy value to my life. He has to be dependable atleast. 

Anyway, no more bullshit and no more harmfulness. Be clean, be nice and most of all, feel safe. Haha. It's hard some days when you remember how people fucked you over, but neither of us are inherently bad or looking to be harmful, so it should be okay. This is why I hate fear, and why it's called a self fulfilling prophecy I guess. Cuz in looking for trust, if you behave in ways that are erratic, it might come off as strange. Gotta just relax and allow things to go with the flow without judgement. 

I'm glad I made the effort over these years tbh. Everyone feels a sense of lack in some area or the other of life, but that can't be the only lens you look at life from. Gotta be able to dream of a good future. 

And lately, I've started also feeling like you cannot be skeptical of every person that comes your way. People are a mix of good and bad, but cannot just be trying to protect yourself in ways that you get paranoid about everyone. That paranoia will be evident and eventually drive away all the good ones, and only toxic people will stick around and that becomes a loop imo. All this bpd, npd stuff is very rare anyway, most people are just normal with good days and bad days. Just because something bad happens to you once doesn't mean it needs to happen again, just take it as an unfortunate circumstance, laugh it off and try better next time. Ezpz. ;)