British writers

They just have this way with words that's so utterly delicious. 

 "With the slightly miffed air of one who has run their finger along a daughter-in-laws top shelf and found against all expectation that it is sparkling clean, the Grand Master got on with it"

Uh. Ended up reading Guards! Guards! 

Articulation

Context: some guy saying patriarchy impacts men in that they are always told to be bread winners and get better jobs etc. 

Genuinely one of the most impactful thought lines I have seen articulated in a long time. Was very hard hitting to me, as I never considered it this way. But it's true. There is a huge difference between the two. I don't want to think of it in terms of men v women ofc, but I've often noticed how a lot of guys simply don't understand inequality from a woman's perspective. I recall the time when P told me his mom asked him to buy her a set of earphones cuz she didn't want to ask his dad because his dad makes her justify each purchase. And it was such an awful, humiliating way to treat your wife. To be the mother of two grown children, someone's wife and yet not having enough autonomy to be able to just get yourself a some fucking earphones without asking or telling someone or justifying the purchase like what the fuck. It was so unbelievably abhorrent to me that this is the reality of his household and what was worse was him simply not even understanding or seeing it from that lens. He simply kept saying oh but dad makes all of us justify cuz we need to learn the imp of money like fuck. A father teaching his kids that is one thing but it never even occured to him to realise that he is being so humiliating to his life partner and treating her like she is below him and hence needs to be taught the value of money? To a point where she would rather ask her grown son to buy them? Ugh. So repulsive. And the son, does not even understand the difference or how garbage it is to treat someone this way. He kept talking about her having some unspoken power like she can tell his dad when to come home. Like it's the same thing. Would his dad be okay if he had to make a case to buy himself something simple or ask for an OTP every time he had to make a simple transaction? After what... 30+ years of marriage? Yuck man. 

The worst part is that they come from a generation of tier 1 unis, high income, high net worth families and this is how they think for something as petty as earphones. 

One thing I learnt from my mom is the importance of financial autonomy in any relationship, so you can always have your head held high. And it's true. You can't even have a proper fight with someone if you are discontent and then have to ask them to buy something small like how fucking humiliating will that be? The amount it'll chip away at your own self esteem? Any form of forced servitude is just awful to me. I understand discussing big purchases with each other but not having the freedom to just shop for random small things is something I can't wrap my head around. And for a guy to consider this normal for his own mother. It's always in these seemingly benign things that I find true reflections of the evils of patriarchy. I'm glad my gen doesn't have to deal with this stuff anymore but I'm truly sorry for all those who had to live their lives with this being the norm.

It's true. A lot of people just don't realise it. 

Oh wow

 The Dripping Tap

How does the exact type of music I want to listen to at every moment just show up like clockwork?

Stunning. Honestly one of the greatest bands to come out in the recent past. Fucking stunning.

Dance with me

To This

I love StrFkr. And I want to drink an Old Fashioned, hold it in my hand and dance with you. 

Fuck man × I owe it to myself to not settle. This just means I'll choose someone crazy who will wring my heart to bits and I'll love him still. Oy vey. 

Well, here's to the crazy ones. 

May we make love, may we feud, fight, cuddle, and love each other forevermore.

Just make sure you are a man. That's all I ask. Like I said, I can't settle. Strength of character is non negotiable. I have it, you gotta too. The rest, we can figure. 

Until then, imma groove to:

Isabella Of Castille

Or maybe this

Girls just wanna have fun

I know how to be good. Just like I know how to be kind. Doesn't mean I don't know how to be the opposite. I just choose not to. Otherwise I'd be out getting flung and touching tongues whenever I wanted. But I don't. 

But hell will freeze over before I let you disrespect me and get away with it. Suck it.  

And unlike your other ladies, I do not plan on getting some guy to finger bang me on harleys and ask you if you care. If I was letting some other dude finger bang me, I assure you...you'd be the last person I'd even give a shit about. Because trust me....the dude fingering me, would not be a giant fucking pussy. :)

Leclerc the Pianist

Why am I only discovering today that he plays the piano wtffff!! And so good!!

Mariage D'Amour

Omg one of my fav tracks and he plays it so fucking well!! Aaaaaaa

And oiiiii hehe, he played Handel on my bday lmao I love this. ♥️

Daaaamn man, something about the piano and people who can play it. Gotta have such beauty in your soul to be able to do that. 

I never want to forget the feeling it evokes within me. 

PictuRisque

~

Tell the truth you never wanted me 

Tell me

In my dreams I'm jealous all the time

As I wake I'm going out of my mind

Going out of my mind

~

Seeing some insta lives all perfect and pretty and graded to correct colour. I have shiny smile too, I slap it on whenever I have to talk to someone, it's so easy. Sometimes I wonder if you would have ever had that problem. But you're soooo tough aren't you? :) Mr. Tough Guy. 

Here's a song I think would suit you fine:

Cold Little Heart

Tu tu tu, tu tu tu tu. 

And this a song for me: On Melancholy Hill

Hehe, sorry darling... I'm being mean to you cuz I miss you, obviously. :) 

It's just fun to imagine you as a cold, heartless, scheamy ( I can't even spell it, I tried thrice) lil B word which I can't bring myself to call you ever because I can't bring myself to demean you. But why'd you have to go be so mean to me? 

I wanna wail, wail, wail like Daisy Buchanan might, except I'm not shallow and flimsy like her and nor as delicate...but just this once I wanna get upto glorious flights of dramatics and wave my pretty lace hanky around to signal my discontent. Heh. So I'll be make myself content by scolding you in my mind, and trust you me, I have - very harshly at that. I always forgive you after though. That's my pet albatross. I named him Fluffy. 

Black, White and Blue

Here's an actual song for you though, maybe someday I'll send it and you can pretend you are hearing it for the first time: 

Friday I'm in love

Oh wow and coincidentally this too - 

Of all the things to find, the song came on and a little later the image. 

May the gods of odds always be in my favour. And since I wanted to share this song with you, I suppose I should say our. Lucky you. 

Such a loungy day. Gotta find some nice place to go to, feel like being around some plants and trees lol.

Edit: lying down in the grass with the sun scorching me and listening to some random music from a coding stream while reading and playing chess intermittently. Technology, I love you. I truly do. Following thibault on lastfm, he is a gold mine of nice music. So excited to discover new artists!! I think I can spend just hours simply finding new stuff. 

I feel good. The only thing that would have made this better is a nice cold beer next to me hahah. Too bad parks don't let you but I guess if they did, I'd be snoozing here after one oops. 

Was checking out some Haskell learning site and the author seems to be a Terry Pratchett fan. Named some chapters after his book. I love these random crossovers and now I want to reread Guard! Guards! 🤷‍♀️

Agatha Christie

Finished an old Christie. Doesn't have the same impact now. Dayum. I guess it would have been fun as a kid but some of her books are so dated now. The plot twists just didn't work.

 Interesting. Trying to find the framework used in mystery thrillers and hers still seem by far the best. What a genius of her time she has been. Stunning. 

Funnily enough people are still trying to ape her style of writing with all the new web series and the kinda plots they come up with and yet noone comes close. There's such a dearth of creativity. 

Why is it suddenly do damn hot? Ugh. What crazy weather change sheesh

I start to feel very down in the dumps if I don't do cardio. Took a two day break and I'm so morose now. Why does it feel like a lifetime has passed since my bday when it was barely two weeks back. Idk, feels like time has crawled to a halt and I'm just moving slowly. And I suddenly just feel... unlike myself. I'm just going through all the motions I have to, but my heart's just not in it. In anything to be honest. Lol, I'm a zombie 🧟‍♀️

Plus periods are also looming so deffo going to feel a bout of misery there too. Damnations. 

I saw a vid of pewds pop up on my feed and omg he is a dad now. That's crazyyy. And such a cute kid he has, a v happy, calm one. I like to see how people start to define meaning in their lives though the families they build. I don't think you need to have kids necessarily to define it. But you should definitely pick a person you love and respect both and who loves and respects you. I think all the rest...the noise, people, the world outside... All of that can be dealt with if you have that one solid person by your side. And you know... That feeling of home and comfort and stability only comes by when you can just relax and trust the person you are around. No games, no bullshit, just knowing in your bones that they'll have your back and you mean a lot to them. The right sort of friends and lovers always make you feel that way, stable within you, no need for pretence, your vulnerabilities all safe in their vault. I know the time is approaching for me to find the person too and I'm hoping I do in this year and the next. I'd like to be in a stable, happy relationship now. Hopefully the right stuff comes my way. I won't be able to settle for just anyone, I know that for sure. So here's hoping I get lucky. Two things I'm certain of - I want to be shown value and I want to be shown care. I think that's why I've been so selective, I've simply never felt safe and comfortable with people but I'd like to now. Whatever hardships and heartbreaks have come my way, the one thing they have finally taught me is that these are the necessary ingredients for every meaningful equation. And I take that to heart now. I hope in a couple of months I feel ready enough to start dating new people. Rn, I don't have the desire or the mood but atleast by mid this year I need to push myself to get out more, meet new people and see how that goes. Well, atleast mentally prepping myself. Hopefully the zombie mode will also wear off by then. Maybe by M's bday. That would be a good timeline. Okay May 15th it is. Hehe, hopefully I look forward to it by then. Funny thing is I'm so tired and drained by recent events that I don't have the energy to make an effort for anyone anymore. So in a way that's good, cuz the other person will have make some for me for once. Lol, wonder what that feels like... Atleast hope they see me as an actual person, and want to actively talk to me. Wonder if that's asking for too much effort haha. 

The bar is on the fucking floor. 😝

Fuck, how did my life come down to this point that I even have to ironically state this? Like wtf. Lmao. Never value someone who deliberately makes you doubt your own worth. Damn you M. I have no clue why you chose to hurt me like that. I was always so good to you, and you couldn't even keep your ego aside and wish on my bday. So mean spirited and stingy of you. 

Oh well. I don't need to think about stuff like this cuz it's not happening again. First and last time I make room for that. I honestly know a lot of people do love me and respect me and genuinely like having me around. I won't doubt that ever again. And I know once it clicks, it'll stick. :) 

Pride

Loool

Tari fucking with his food and getting fucked instead. Saving for posterity. 

A 28 hundo getting smashed by an 1800. Love to see it. 

https://lichess.org/aqnCirDU/white#110

~

Fuck it, let's get shitfaced today... Been a while. In the mood to be reckless. Should I play chess? 

Okay fuck it getting drunk and playing chess like the good lil girl I am. FML. Let's tank ratinggggg.

~ 

Wicked Games

~ 

Ok let's tank more games let's gooooo

Music: Ocean Drive

~

 

Tinted

Somedays I'd write a story based on a friend and I always discovered what I truly thought about them from the way that story went. It was a strange way to be honest about people, and always gave me an insight into my own feelings towards them all. Their truth, their insecurities, things that make them shine, all of it would be wrapped in a warm hug of acceptance but also clarity. 

Incidentally, there are some people I don't want to write about. Because I'm afraid to find out the difference between what I want to believe and what I do believe. Oops. 

Porcelain

I've been a fan of Moby for so long, and yet I've never really paid attention to a whole lotta lyrics of his songs. As Porcelain comes up, a song name that I adore, I feel like I'm listening to it for the very first time. 

"In my dreams I'm dying all the time

As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind

I never meant to hurt you

I never meant to lie

So this is goodbye

This is goodbye

Tell the truth you never wanted me

Tell me

In my dreams I'm jealous all the time

As I wake I'm going out of my mind

Going out of my mind"

Funny. I've never related to lyrics that were uber sad or hopeless. I don't think I do even now, somehow they simple fade into the background as the musical notes take over. 

"In my dreams I see Roger Federer smacking a ball in style

This isn't even a lie" 

Heh. 

I want to play a little game with someone

2 lies and a truth. If you knew me well, would you guess which is which? 

If I knew you well, would I guess which is which? 

Might be fun to find out. Bet I'd know you better than you know me though, I'm the kind that pays attention. 

Had been over to Thibault's channel a couple of times this week. I have started using him as a radio I think. He strikes me as a v indie coder, somehow they all have this liking for loungy Indian music. Bit on the nose to find someone who knows more Indian artists than I do, kiiinda shameful lol. Still, music is music and I love discovering random stuff. 

Just feel happy and restless. Tried out new weights and arms are sore asf lmao. Total weakling I be. Feel light hearted and chirpy after a long time. Hehe. Good shit. Hope the quiet remains. 

Peace! ✌️

🤷‍♀️

 Amen 🙌

Pick and Nitpick

Reading a lot after a long time uninterrupted. Feels really great. It's funny but the few things that can actually guarantee flow states are the most rewarding too. Just being engaged in any activity does that to me and I legit love that feeling of immersion. It's gotten a lot rarer as I've grown up but it's so annoying to have 1001 distractions. I don't care for them. 

Long conversations, working with my hands, reading, working out(at times), researching, even cooking. All of it helps me feel in the moment. Last night just got a dose of good food poisioning and even that made me feel in the moment on account of how painful it seemed lol. Whatever works, amiright?