Dream Journal - 2

Slept a bit fitfully last night and woke up at 3am from a dream, the first one of the night. I was in a place which felt like a dining room and had a table. I had removed some stuff from its packaging and was trying to collect the packaging so I could bin it. I turned to ask you and instead saw you go inside a room and just climb into bed. Felt unsure as to what to do with the stuff in my hand so I decided to ask.I didn't know if I should enter the room and as I was trying to decide, you just snuggled into the covers, turned over and looked at me. Think your covers were white/beige/cream with a tinge of green, and the bed was a bit messy. I was suddenly aware that it was just both of us and no people left. Something about that felt so intimate and vivid and for lack of a better word... Real. (The irony, amirite?). I could feel that you were completely comfortable around me, just lazing around. But I didn't want to take that as a given, I needed you to actively ask me in. I did want to climb in with you and be cosy in a cocoon with your hands wrapping me up. I kept debating if I should. Something about you being tired makes me want to...lol, well, it turns me on if I had to be honest. Haha, god knows why that is. Hmmm. 

A few moments later, I could feel my body heating up the way it does when a dream is starting to pull away and I'm entering a conscious state. It's one of two ways my dreams ask to be over and I find it fascinating. It's either just a feeling that my entire body is slowly raising its temperature - like an adrenaline rush - or I hear a doorbell which sounds exactly like my apartment's and I wake up thinking some delivery has arrived. 

Interesting. I want to make sure I journal all of these, they are so telling. I think this one primarily was underlining my tendency to hesitate and act formal when I'm feeling unsure. The contrast of a sudden switch to informal settings and yet me needing an active invite to join you speaks volumes. I guess even in my dreams I don't like to intrude on someone uninvited, much as I'd love to be with them. 

Hmmm. Sounds like I'm looking for some form of surety that gives me a sense of peace, and that has to come from the other person of their own will. That's fair in my mind. Can't do all the work for someone, personal effort needs to come from both sides otherwise what's even the point. As with all good things, balance is key.

Chess dreams

Woke up with a chess game in my head, not one that made sense but just happened to be there. I think I'm majorly stalled atm and it's kinda starting to get to me. I'd like to be better. One of the key things I'm doing wrong is visualisation. I constantly tend to see the board as a two person game instead of a one person game. Hmmm. I think I need to figure out a way to challenge that default stance. Because I get the calcs right when I'm trying, and I tend to find the best moves simply cuz comp analysis has given me a sense of intuition but this is only when I'm paying attention actively. 

Idk how to summarise this but I guess constant awareness + full board visualisation is what I need to do. 

I want to study other games as well, lmc I'll pick one. I only know the opera house one vividly so far. 

You know. Chess needs some tools for beginners that can mimic training for kids. Let me try the opening tree explorer and see how it feels. 

Fuck it, I'll study today. 

Moonbeam, Midnight, Howl

You've got me flying like a bird on a moonbeam, babe

There in the heart of the pale lies a screen

You've got me flying like a bird on a moonbeam, babe

It's just I'm cautiously falling in love with you

Cautiously, cautiously again

DAAAAMN, I love this song. Fuck fuck fuck. It makes my hips move in that one way only a certain beat can. And that line is so damn good. 

😐

Got woken up super early for a fam call lol. Was nice hearing everyone together. I miss baby bro. :( Want to meet him asap. 

I hope today is nice, I want to stay happy. Think I'll sketch today, it's been a while since I made something. Ever since I got the A3 sheet pad, I've just dilly dallied cuz it's so nice and I feel like I don't want to make something bad and ruin it. Actually wish I bought an A5 one cuz I wanted to take it with me while travelling and sketch on the go. Those travel diaries look really nice. 

In other news, I finally allowed Di access to my insta lol. Does this mean I'm being social? Who would have thought it? Idk why I don't enjoy sharing, the last account I had just had so many people and I hated seeing all that show off bs. Banned everyone lol. Was talking lots to Di this week, she is doing well finally. I'm so glad. Had a tough year. It sucks when friends have so much bs to deal with. Funnily enough we are friends because she needed someone to talk to back then, and I'm glad she reached out. Hard to make good friends as an adult, but it's great that all of mine are awesome! I love you dodos so much :) 

Oh well, time to get out of bed! Think I need a good workout to break the tiredness my eyes are so droopy. BUT... I like holidays yaay!

Damn

I'm just so tired. Such a long day. I hope I can fall asleep soon, sleep is always elusive when I want it the most. 

Ooohhh

Holy crap I love this

Dayum, never heard this before but the beats are so good and the tempo holy hell!

I find it so damn seductive! Especially 4.30 ts, so damn neat! 

Damn damn damn, have to check this band out a lot more. 

Musings

Should I openly share what been on my mind? I've never done that directly, so I'm not sure how to in a way. It doesn't help that you make it a bit tough to open up to you, you just never directly ask anything. That's a bit weird, given the amount of time we have been talking. Ugh, but I don't want to do some stupid disappearing act either and I won't, know you well enough that you've earned some care. I wish you'd just open the emotional doors a little bit, so I can feel safe sharing. But it's okay, it's not something I'll ever force anyone to do. Do it only if it feels natural, if not then I'll accept that. Won't like it lol, but still. I guess this means I have to actually decide on my own whether I should or not. 

Alright, I got this. I'll do it. 

Road Trips

I love love love being on the road. Give me a long winding road with no end in sight, and watch me disappear. I like the idea of not having any destination in mind, just drive on and see where it goes. 

Listening to:

I was just guessing at numbers and figures Pulling the puzzles apart 

Questions of science, science and progress. Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start.

These are few of the lines I relate to from this song. I think that dichotomy of affinity to fundamentals vs just a deep love for people and love itself has been an interesting contrast for me all my life. I sometimes feel like I could chase down a concept with all my might just to understand it, and give up the chase in an instant if love asked me to. So I guess that's where my heart lies. 

Nobody said it was easyyyy

And I rush to the start. 

Hmmm

People can be friends, yet so starkly different from each other. It's interesting. Some can talk about themselves so openly and others are so guarded. I've always wondered about that. Both Ms I know are guarded asf. So was A. J too. Di somewhere in the middle. Like she is extremely guarded but she always maintained that she opened up to me quite easily. Even though we started out talking a lot later in life, it was quite easy to get along. We have a nice equation.

Crap, I think I'm seeing a pattern haha. Almost everyone I'm close to or have been close to is a closed up person one way or another. Lmaooo. Oh well, it's about time one of them starts opening up for reals, enough mysteries and testing and whatever else he is afraid of. You have one life, lean into it. If I can - you can, I'm sure. Think I'm gonna straight up ask him to soon if he doesn't start on his own lol

Kenny G

Travelling today, looking at the rain drenched greenness and this comes on. 

Ugh, never thought I'd develop a liking for you, Mr. Kenny G, but accepting that feels like I'm coming into my own. Why did I ever supress these parts of me, I wonder?

Feels like I'm finding my centre. And I guess I like the person I'm turning into.

Hearing

I really really like this song. Been hearing on loop, just so mellow and sweet and synthy. 

Sometimes the basic stuff just does it.

♥️

Saying ' I trust you ' is usually so damn hard for me. I don't think I've ever uttered those words out loud, and definitely not by my own volition. But this time it didn't feel that tough at all. I quite liked it, made me smile. I'm glad. For once, I won't dilute that sentiment by trying to make a lame joke.

Feeling a lot of affection suddenly, someday I'll state that openly too. :)

Damn

...fantasising about something is so fun. If only you knew how strong my imagination can be, you'd probably need to use your fav word. 

Might have to say it slowly though, and catch your breath...so to speak. 

Remember

Guru Josh - Infinity?

Fuck. That song lmaooo. Fresh out of uni dancing in random seaside clubs till 3am and pounding jager bombs with that new circle hahaa. The shit we used to do. Stupid ass Tito's and Curly's. 

" Take your time...to trust in me. And you will find...Infinity ♾️ "

Aahhhhahahah. CRINGEMAXXNESS 

Running

Just kept going today, I feel so good. Finished with modest mouse - all float on. Alriiight.

I like the middle to the ends of a run, my mind seems so in the moment. Maybe running is a way to capture the moment, and be in it. Body all heated, steps in rhythm, heart feels peaceful. All you gotta do is go on. Binary choices for the win. 

Everything will be okay in the end. 

Fist Bumps and Big Teeth

I like how you have the ability to get along with different kinds of people and treat everyone equally. I saw a bit of it today, and I love that about you. 

Growing up in a society with inherent biases and social grid lines, the one thing I have hated all my life with a passion is perceived social inequality and people who capitalise on it to treat others badly in some way or another. So often I would see casual contempt showcased for people who had/were "less". Made me sick. 

One of my earliest memories of sensing these divides is when I was in the 1st standard. So maybe like 6-7?! Idk. My dad one of the commanding officers in that town at the time, and in the scheme of things used to have a lot of social currency and general prestige that came with the post. A classmate of mine - who was also the son of a daily wage earner - happened to come over with his dad who was delivering something to our house. I went over to say hello and his dad basically made him greet me politely but was unsure if he should be allowed to play with me. I was very confused, but the adults were all acting like it was normal. I might be getting a lot of the details wrong now, cuz it's been a while, but I had this overwhelming feeling of forbiddenness emanating from everyone at the thought of us playing together. 

The worst part is how these get passed down to kids and they just act out all the shit they see adults do. Like my gay friend constantly getting bullied in school. It went on to a point where he thought asking me out was a way to show the world he had a gf and wasn't gay. And then it become this huge scene where half his bullies came to confront me about us dating. Lol, I was so mad at all of them! We had a huge showdown with me yelling at 7 boys at once, while my friend stood around doing nothing. Fuck, istg I could have gotten a beating of a lifetime and I would have happily taken one if it meant they stop harassing him. 

Many years and a lot of life experience later, I came to understand the garbage social structures in place and I have no patience for people who don't just stomp on all of them collectively with conviction. Be a dick to everyone equally, that's the motto. No selective dickery. If you gotta be cunty, do it to everyone.

Most people may not understand or know this about me, but I can admire someone's skill while being completely neutral to them. It's only personal traits that actually evoke an intimate reaction. And I don't fully (or maybe not even partially) know the kind of man you are, but the few values you've let slip do earn my respect. I truly hope I'm reading you right. :) 

To my toothy 1st standard friend - It was a joy that you came over, I was happy that day. Thank you for a core memory that has helped me build a foundational value in my life. Wherever you are, I hope life smiles big, wide grins at you, just the way you did at me that day! :) 

Lots of love.