Made myself dumplings for dinner 🥺

Rainy days and dumplings are just so damn good. I'm a chef. 👩‍🍳

Ahahahhaha. Fuck. What a cutie man... Totally adorable. 

Evaporated my miffy mood. I love goofy folks.  He would be the ultimate grandpa for reals

Getting emails for push up bras shipped to someone under my name. This is so fucking weird.  💀💀

Felt super sus. Yuck. The last name of the building is the same as mine, it's addressed to my pet name that not many people know, it's right after I clicked pics. Fuck. Better not be  that guy again god it would be unbelievably sad if his life hasn't moved on even after so damn long. It's shipped to the city he lived in. Been a year and a half so like pls. Hopefully not and it's just some random coincidence but he is the only one who knows all these deets. 🤮🤮🤮

Why did I ever know that guy fuck. Even without this just remembered how much crazy shit he has pulled and it's so fucking gross. Had forgotten. 

Plus I yelled at him, blocked him a while back what more can I even do? 

Ugh. Even the thought of him makes me want to puke all over again. 

But like honestly a year and a half later, after me being clear I don't want anything to do with him... if he is still around then honestly he just needs help. I can't bring myself to believe that he would sink this low though. It's crossing over to such completely cheap and disgusting category. Idk man. This kinda shit v tacky guys do and I can't think he is that low class. I sincerely hope not cuz not only is it disturbing if he is still obsessed with me, but it's also vv crazy to do stuff like this. 

Just hope this is a random coincidence and nothing more. Lol. Worst part is you never know if some shit is a technical glitch or what too. Except it just feels sus that I talk about push up bras and one gets shipped under my name, to my id and right after. And it's not as if my nick name is common so idek. 

Ugh. 

Blah... I'm sick and tired of people being shitty.

~

All I ever wanna do is live my own life quietly without hassles sheesh. Idk but I don't want to think about it cuz it's creeping me the fuck out so much. It's scary and creepy and v disturbing fuck. I don't like this at all. 

And if it's just a coincidence then whatever.  Fuck you googs for making me paranoid. 💀

Philomena Cunk

Why.. whyyy is she so funny zomg.

https://youtu.be/Ma8ShBFyE3g?si=VK8LspUli9D2hcAF

Lunch with Cunk is my new fav thing to do lmao. Fuck. Just can't stop laughing at the genius of this woman

Good vibes only

Finally hair is growing outttt. Is the bad haircut curse going to leave me? 🥺 

Aaand my plant is also planting woohoo. Dunno why my hat and a random cup are in my other pot but 🤷‍♀️

Now just gotta try and make sure I sleep 8 hours straight so I don't wake up looking tired asf. No more post midnight reading or scrolling, be an adult! 

Sheesh

BABY STEPS. 

Ugh. Nothing I hate more than morning sunlight hitting my face when I'm not done sleeping lol. And why is it that I sleep on one side of the bed then wake up on the other. 💀

Okay more snoozing, my eyes hurt in this much brightness.

Goodnight world! 😴 

Sensual

 

I like it when guys like boobs. His hands on them just feels good. As does his mouth. The real reason I like beards. Feels fucking divine. 

The few secrets that I don't openly tell. 

Xoxo

Changes

"Narcissists were taught in close personal relationships there is something called power."

Damn... That is such a powerful dialogue and so true. Everyone who feels insecure seeks power in relationships cuz they can't imagine that they can just be loved as they are. 

The lecture on this left me with quite a few thoughts. Why do some people accept bad partners? Because they believe that's all they should get? Because it feels familiar? Could be. 

I noticed at times how C and some boys I know simply can't admit to not knowing anything. How they are so prone to talking over someone and try to compete even when someone isn't trying to compete with them. They can't stand the idea that they are wrong or rather inadequate. Even when that quizzer asked me some question that I was answering, that guy kept talking over me and trying to say the same thing yet didn't actually know the solution. I used to get irritated by it but I've since just chosen to not pay attention to it. 

And that's still an annoying traits at best, but if you have some constant need to be the best in front of a crowd and your partner, to their detriment too... Then idk. That's not the greatest way to be. 

Lol. M still is able to deal and she doesn't care about these traits. That's nice. I guess what she said about trade off helps. 

I too have struggled with the idea of being accepted for just who I am at times. But never so severely that I'd put up with toxic partners. Basically, your parents must have done some shite job as a parent if as an adult the love you accept is shitty love. Or rather, it's not even love at all. Just toxicity. 

Would I ever entertain a person like my mom as a partner? Probably not, atleast not unless I'm shown value and care in a way that makes me feel seen and secure. Around her, I felt like my emotions went unacknowledged for large parts of my life. Not fully, but enough to make me feel not validated. And I guess I do now seek wholesomeness and kindness as the most prominent traits. At the very least atleast in words and gestures I wish to feel safe and cared for. Acknowledging me as a person is the one thing I can't do without. Plus you should be able to be honest about what you think and feel without fear of pushback or invalidation. I make a conscious effort to ensure people feel safe with me and can tell me whatever is bothering them. I would like the same in return too. 

A lot of people have opened up to me about this kinda stuff. Even S's sister who is so much older than me, told me a whole bunch of stuff when I met her last and it was just the second time we met. I recognise now how trusting they must be of me to be able to openly share this kinda stuff. I've even suspected that maybe M has had some issues in his life that have been quite difficult. I mean tbh it's kinda obvious. At times earlier, I guess I was so used to people opening up that I kinda just expected him to as well. Hmmm. But then I realised that if someone feels soooooo compelled to keep things to themselves, then it's okay...it's not nice to push them into sharing. It reminded me of my earlier self when I'd get all defensive and aggressive if I felt someone was encroaching on something I held precious. While I wish he didn't feel that way, it's still his journey and I wouldn't like anyone to feel imposed upon I guess. He has this thing where he is constantly just fearing attacks. I used to feel like I'm walking on eggshells earlier because of it, but now I feel a lot more relaxed. Just figured whatever happens, happens. You don't have to be a different person for someone to feel comfortable, if they don't feel it the way you are, then maybe it's just something that can't be helped and that's fair too. Hmmm. Having said that, we will only be friends long term if he loosens up and opens up a little bit and shows me care too. Can't be some one way street forever also, that's not fair to me and I can't be expected to be understanding all the time. At the end of the day, whatever bad experiences he may have had, I didn't cause them, and I should not have to pay the price for stuff others did. Viewing me with a sus lens is shitty, it's like Kramnik just accusing people for no reason lol. There's a bunch of things he needs to make up for I feel sometimes, even if I chose to let it go. I wouldn't be able to trust him fully otherwise, and that part is very important to me too. I can't make room for paranoia. Guess he can figure that out on his own. Oh well. Time will decide. 🤷‍♀️

I do feel sorry though, for people who were raised so badly that it took them ages to break away from that influence. I understand how messy that must have been. 

Hope they do overcome all this stuff, it takes a bit of work but once done, it feels great. 

The more I've cleaned up and cleared my own lens, the more I find just ease and clarity and genuine solid footing. And the best part is simply that I don't have any fear or even an inclination to think that way, now I'm just like yeah okay we shall see and I trust I'll just be able to make the correct decisions. Was a troublesome two years that got me here, but these are changes that stick so I'm quite proud of it. 😬♥️

The Professor

Sadler is such a good teacher. Really love him. Precise, approachable, always curious and extremely good at breaking down complex concepts. Been intermittently checking out his Leela series and I wish more people had this kind of clarity and power of communication. Plus the amount he must actually be researching. I noticed that he tries out all these lines in his games and I suppose that's him trying to find more novelties in it. Saw a game of his and was such a simplistic marvel to be honest. He manages to convert d4 and QGD type structures into very sharp variants. 

I've always respected and loved my teachers, hehe..maybe a bit of a teacher's pet too at times. But only cuz I love learning and have always appreciated those who take the time and trouble to explain things with ease. They make learning a total joy. 

What strikes me about him is also the humility with which he communicates. For someone that brilliant, he doesn't have any airs about himself whatsoever. I guess that's what also makes him approachable. Great teachers all have this one quality I notice. They always make you feel like you can do well. I think it has something to do with the purity of their pursuit of knowledge, they don't dilute it with any personal issues. So the attempt is only focused on discussing the subject and no human emotion interference in a way. I like that a lot. 

Wish I had known more professors like him. I have known a fair few good ones, but the ones I resonated with the most were ones who in my view atleast were encouraging and had not only a passion for their subjects, but also made you feel like you could ask them any and all questions because they understand your desire to learn and appreciate it. 

Goody!

E5 and you win the game. Just beautiful. I'll try this out in some game, I tend to get this position a lot with d4 but haven't played that in a long time. 

Watched this video and was fun. 

https://youtu.be/5l6mwfsmnBU?si=ByXO-tSw7owpCDZ2

This therapist is really good. V interesting interview style, very empathic, doesn't feel judgemental at all. V cool. I enjoyed this. 

~

You know... With all the research I did and all that yadayada... I think to pull back... All that really matters... Is how people around you feel with you. That's all. If they are happy and comfortable and you feel the same about them, that's all that matters. It doesn't matter the labels and non labels etc. Just that with whatever you are given in life, as long as your community and you are cohesively in each others' lives in a beneficial way, atleast 70-80% of the times. That's a great deal all around. 

~

Plus she said a nice thing in the end... I really loved that.

 "Listen to people's situations when it's not high stakes"

That is so wonderful. I loved that. 

" In order to love people, we sometimes have to do things for them when it's not comfortable for us. " 

Yes. True. But with practice, you can and it begins with small steps. 

Besties

Talking to S after such a looooong time. Hehe. Fuck dude, he and I have been friends for so many yearssss. This is crazy. There are some people who just stay in your life in such a sweet, quiet capacity no. He is my oldest friend that's so cool. Hehe. Man, the number to times I tried to set him up with M. Hahaha. But it's okay I don't see them being a good couple to be honest. He would not have patience for her interests and she for his. Weird that my friends can be so different from each other. 

Just didn't even realise how much time passed while chatting. Reminding him of the times he used to sneak into my house with his ex and I made them breakfast at 6 am lmao. Fun times.

Sometimes when I'm lying down I just cup my boobs. It feels so comfortable and cosy. Or just trace my hands on my hips. I like the feel and curve of the pelvic bone. 

Maybe I just like touching myself 👀

A Pickle

Omg the chillies and jalapenos I pickled have actually come out well!!! Aaaaaa. I'm soooo happy and excitedddddd!!!

Fuck... This feels so damn nice hehe. Now I have two jars of pickled stuff 🤭🤭🤭🤭

Omgomgomg I should have pickled carrots tooooooo and beets. Oooo I'll do this nextttt.

Psychopathy

Heard an entire lecture on psychopathy while out running and I'm struck by one thing. How tf does anyone even measure empathy on a scale? Or decide what are and aren't acceptable levels? 

Some of these metrics used just seem a bit sketch at times. 

It says psychopaths just do everything premeditated. Especially manipulation. That's quite a scary thought. But the same trait, if applied to science... Would yield good results. And a person prone to doing good research, if they end up having a natural capacity and predisposition to have foresight, that would give them the ability to focus and problem solve well. I don't know if there are any overlaps around these lines actually. 

I think in general people who are manipulative must have some elements of psychopathy in them. You have to be able to view someone as an object in order to try and do that, right? 

I don't know. My thoughts about all this are too disordered and I don't have enough info. 

The most disturbing part of this is how they are supposedly so cunning that they end up being v charming and have people fooled. I've only known one person like that and yes, she is extremely deceptive and also in some strange way prone to wanting every male's attention in her vicinity etc. Hmmm. But even she is someone everyone now avoids so I'm not sure about how much she fools anyone. In fact, lmao. I seem to have stuck around a lot of folks who many people avoid haha. Oops. 

But fuck, it's so interesting. The human mind is fascinating asf. 

Reading more of Saki and loving it. I'd forgotten what a gem of a writer he was. He actually has a very interesting way of crafting his stories too. They are all hinged on a moral, wrapped inside an instance and a plot twist that highlights it. He must have really sat and thought a lot to be able to come up with such multiple settings. V cool. Digging out my older books and man, feels great to just find so many good ones. I'm glad I've collected books. The only things I've ever indulged and splurged on haha. Growing out of my tomboy phase came with an added wardrobe and the accompanying paraphernalia, but I'm not as fond of all that as I am of my books tbh. That feels nice. 

When I read stuff like this: 

"You are not to go into the gooseberry garden," said the aunt, changing the subject.

 "Why not?" demanded Nicholas.

     "Because you are in disgrace," said the aunt loftily.

     Nicholas did not admit the flawlessness of the reasoning; he felt perfectly capable of being in disgrace and in a gooseberry garden at the same moment. His face took on an expression of considerable obstinacy. It was clear to his aunt that he was determined to get into the gooseberry garden, "only," as she remarked to herself, "because I have told him he is not to."

... I realise how much of my writing styles and preferences are influenced by authors like him. I have a huuuge amount of love for wordplay and mildly absurdist comedic situations. Hehe. 

Also, gooseberries yuckky. So gross they taste 🤢 

~

What an utter joy this paragraph is:

Nicholas made one or two sorties into the front garden, wriggling his way with obvious stealth of purpose towards one or other of the doors, but never able for a moment to evade the aunt's watchful eye. As a matter of fact, he had no intention of trying to get into the gooseberry garden, but it was extremely convenient for him that his aunt should believe that he had; it was a belief that would keep her on selfimposed sentry-duty for the greater part of the aftemoon. Having thoroughly confirmed and fortified her suspicions, Nicholas slipped back into the house and rapidly put into execution a plan of action that had long germinated in his brain. By standing on a chair in the library one could reach a shelf on which reposed a fat, important-looking key. The key was as important as it looked; it was the instrument which kept the mysteries of the lumber-room secure from unauthorized intrusion, which opened a way only for aunts and such-like privileged persons. Nicholas had not had much experience of the art of fitting keys into keyholes and turning locks, but for some days past he had practised with the key of the schoolroom door; he did not believe in trusting too much to luck and accident. The key turned stiffly in the lock, but it turned. The door opened, and Nicholas was in an unknown land, compared with which the gooseberry garden was a stale delight, a mere material pleasure.

~

Maaaaan... Writing like this is such a lost artform it makes me sad. Barely anyone would read it and even chuckle at words like sorties and the beauty of the craft here fuck. Books like these will never sell now. Lmao. And these are the kind of things I wish to write haha. Well, fuck it. I'm gonna write for me cuz I like to write and I'd love to caress words and make them say what I mean but with a teeny tiny twinkle of mischief. 

All hail obscurity, a thing I must be gunning for but who fucking cares. One life, let's go. 

First laugh of the day just seeing that clip lmaooo. That sounds he made hahahah. Fuck. Ugh... He is sooo goofy at times zomg. Such an ass. All my annoyance also melted off. Well, I wasn't annoyed at him, just at the world in general that keeps shitting on him. I hate how hurtful it must be for him to read that shit about himself. It's just horrid. What a tough and shitty spot to be in. Fuck it, fuck the world. I won't let them colour my opinion. Not right to put someone under such stress either and I've seen how idiotically sensationalist some people are, won't believe them over my own judgement. 

Ughuhuhhuhuhh it seems hahahah. Silly fellow. Oh man, I'm laughing again at that fuck how does it come so naturally to him to be like that lmaoooo. TOTAL ASS. But one I'm vv fond of. ♥️