God and devil are the perfect example of yin and Yang to me. All the time, there's just this quest for balance in everything all the time. Rarely have I ever come across people who crave balance, those who do are usually unbalanced asf. The mysteries of life. Stuff we crave the most defines us. 

And then I think of someone sweaty and how it would be to have sex with them right as they are. 

We are all so basic, so utterly mundane, wanting the same old thing then some more. From Mephistopheles to wanting a sweaty you, I sure am basic. Meh. And now my knee hurts, and I'm unable to sleep. Perfect.

~

Beat a 2100 and still had tunnel vision and missed fucking mate in two. Why don't I ever think and play man sheesh. It's so annoying to think you played well only to discover it was stupid asf. Ugh. Two knights mate that too gah! Ffs. The only thing that makes it better is seeing that Howell grind forever and stills stay 28 hundo lmao. Me being bitchy to let off steam hahahah fuck it and fuck him also. Fuck everyone and this stupid game to boot. 🥾

~

Even magnus takes time to think and play and here I am making 4 moves in 2 seconds like a fucking fool. Ugh. I'd be so much better if I was just not so impatient. Pathetic. 

20k words. Halfway through to a novella. I have to get this done! I'm structuring it as I go, I like the architecture part of this more than the actual writing lol. Building stuff is just so good and fun man. Understanding the why is always very rewarding. Hope I can finish this soon, would like to add a few illustrations to it as well. Then I can start working on my novel too. Gotta chop out distractions as we go, it's insane how many there are these days. Never a moment to get bored in, that's nuts. 

~

Speaking of which the sheer number of calls I'm getting today aaaa. Driving me crazyyyy!! 

~

Put Howell on yesterday while I was working just to get some bg white noise. It's interesting how that simply serves as a fidget spinner at times lol. Hehe. I find it hilarious that he just hates multitasking, tanks rating then goes on benders to regain it. Very therapeutic and relatable tbh. Haha. He also wants to be an independent creator, thinks he could have been like levy. Interesting how that guy is the gold standard in social media creation. Man, before pandemic I had no interest in chess whatsoever. Crazy to think what a 180 it has been. Good or bad, I'm glad it's a part of my life. I can't particularly share my interests with most people but it feels nice that I have stuff to keep myself occupied with that I enjoy. Years ago I decided I spend too much energy on people and decided to taper some of it off. Now that I have, I find days more enjoyable. That's good. Drama in doses is fun but never more than can be handled. Learning to be selfish lol. About time!

~

I have to read too zomg. A MOUNTAIN BECKONS!!

~

My insta just acts up randomly these days. It randomly removes the status update circle from some names. I wonder why it does that given I don't actually view people's stories. Weird.

15000 words done. Feels good. I can wrap this stuff up by next week. Holy cow I'm gonna be done with a novella. And it's simply for practice. That feels good. And I'm so damn tired rn. Hehe. I gotta churn out more. People talk about Brandon Sanderson churning out pages and pages and it's pretty incredible the volume he works at. 

~

I need foooood. 

Sometimes you find out something so heinous and terrible about a person that you lose all liking for them, and it's simply irrevocable. Sucks, but such is life. 

Marshall is soooo cute!!! Omg. Barked at me for sitting in his spot aaaaa. What a cutie man fuck.  Cheered me right up! Doggies are the bestest. 

~

Watching gossip girl again lmao. It's the best brainless show to see when you feel zonked. Haha. Still can't stand blair and her constant backstabbing. I remember A and I used to see it during uni and she liked blair and I liked serena back in the day. I never realised why she related to her so much. Cuz she would behave exactly like that zomg. Completely missed that back then. But wow. Relating to that backstabbing was unreal. Crazy. Haha. 

Idk if anyone on this show is redeemable but over time I think mostly just chuck was someone I could atleast accept was loyal to everyone, so him. Haha. The biggest degenerate. It was weird how sexually ambiguious I used to find him though, never found a single dude attractive on this show. Didn't like Nate, he was too perfect, like a Nautica or an Old Navy ad. Not my type, esp the banging married women bit. Roofus was a doofus. Dan was a prat. It's weird but I think for me it's the personality that dominates attraction, I can't like a guy just cuz cute. Hehe, maybe that explains my lust for Cumberbatch and Jesse Eisenberg. 

" A heartfelt letter? Who spayed you man?" Hahahahah fuck. He has the best lines.

Oh fuck I just realised the lady who played Georgina passed away. Oh damn. Crap. Daaaaamn. 

Ok no words. :(

Out of all times of the day, I dislike afternoons the most. It's such a weird time. I dislike the sluggishness of it, the fact that everyone seems in a semi stupor, like a pause before evenings, which I love. 

The sheer mental boredom I feel at this hour is unmatched. 3 pm is usually the bane of my existence. Begone, quick!

~

Dream Journal

Had a strange but nice dream, we went to some hotel like thing ... Me and idk someone was there who I vaguely remember... Was under renovation and I was bored and it had a newly restored restaurant that looked super old world. They had a buffet my friend wanted to check out and I kinda wanted to loiter around. True to form I also checked lichess in the dream to see someone tank their bullet rating to 2500 haha. Then went back to exploring the place. It felt like something straight out of the 60s, everything was plain and had newspapers laying about. Columns in the middle of the room, white and imposing, yellow walls, plants everywhere. A place that would deffo serve cherries jubilee and rum soaked puddings that someone lights on fire before serving you.

I like dreams that have a stress on architecture like this. Heh. The place was near a beach and had some very rustic spots. Maybe I had to pee that's why there was water lol. Who knows. Stupid inception ruining water bodies like that. Oops.

~

I want more nice dreams and waking up early to the coolness of the mornings. Do I dare think I can wake up early enough to go out for a run?

I do not dare. 

Stupid stomach bug. I hate it. First time experiencing an actual stomach ache like what even is that. 

~

Spoke to bro for 2+ hours was sooo nice. Hehe. Woke me up and then trashed me for being grumpy lmao... I love sibs. Just. Sometimes I wish I had like 3-4 it would have been soooo nice. Haha. Just sitting around pranking people and being annoying would have been suuuper fun

~

Ugh. Watched one game of his guys', was thinking what if bd6 works, then he played it and then boom there was a counter, then he didn't check and gave up bishop and it lost on the spot. I am annoyed he lost. Can't even play half as well as him but it irritates me even now nonetheless if he loses. Haha. Fuck. The only person I'd grudgingly like to even see beat Sadler is him, as much as I love and respect old man. I miss seeing Sadler play tbh his chess is so darn beautiful. Hmmm. I'll get some wine and read his blog for a while maybe. Jeez. I really think he had it in him to atleast be at old man's level if he gave it his all. I know it would have been an excruciating journey to undertake but it I suppose I feel... Eh fuck it. No fondness for this person. Go play stupid moves idc. 🙄 Lose more also. 🖕🏼🖕🏼

~

Omg there's a doggie called bingo here. BINGO! Awwwieeee... How cute. Patooties. Ugh. Love it. 

 It's like I've forgotten how to play chess completely 

Voicing out all I felt over the last couple of years and I don't particularly feel too good over it, in fact rereading it makes me feel low key sick. 

Heh...it's weird to be in a spot like this. I know I'm not going to address any of these things with her, because I know there's no point in it. Fuck it. Feels surreal, because I know there's an ending hidden in there somewhere. But meh. 

~

Let's stuff it in some big box and pretend it doesn't exist. 

Like we always doooo!  

In the midst of periods, stomach ache, and generally wanting to fucking die, seeing young Nadal pics gave me so much joy lmao

Just. No notes, just a heartfelt Mama Mia! 😭 ♥️

 Feels like I've become a tad bit slow. Strange. 

I do not like this feeling one bit. How to reset? 

Ugh. And I feel sick, stomach hurts like crazy. Wtf did I eat? Ughhhhh. I hope my eggs are not spoilt 😔. Oh maaan hurts so much I can't think.

~

Damn, I've never woken up in the middle of the night with a stomach ache before. Wtf yo.  Feeling so weird and uneasy 

I am making such silly mistakes that I'm now back to being super annoyed at myself. 💀 Tanked 100 straight points istg I better get to atleast 2200 to make up for this bullshit

Worries

I worry about people all the fucking time. Mom was telling me she thought I called her when she was out. And I realise that I actually do that a lot. When she travels, when dad travels, even when bro travels. One time I was annoyed when he didn't tell me he was in turkey also lol. Hahah fuck that earful I wanted to give him.  

Hehe. I guess I just enjoy babying people. 🍼🐣Not actual babies, just people. Oh good lord, a baby peed on my face once hahahaha. Boy babies. Always causing chaos. Didn't even know what to do just held him like simba while he peed across the room hahahaha fuck. Oh man. He grew up to be such a naughty kid too, I recall him trying to ignore his mom when she scolded him and act extra loving to whoever else was present to make her jealous. Loool. How can small kids be so full of personalities, it's actually quite interesting to see. 

~

Aaaah. I'm turking for some good chess content tbh. Playing like shit need some good inspo lol. Where is Sadler? I miss following his games too. Ugh. Old man not playing enough lol. Fuck dude, being 50 and being so damn good esp at bullet even now it's insane. 

I NEED INSPO!!!

For the first time, trying to schedule something for a decade from now. Heh. I hope this Lil niche of mine stays intact for ever. And I hope I come across that post ten years from now. Wow. That will be something. I'm curious to find out where and how life would be then. I hope it's great. May peace and love find us all, and in the darkness light the way.