Ugh. Stupid gastroenteritis when will it abate wtf is going onnnnnn. In my life I've never been sick and now this bullshit fuck me. From missing someone just yesterday to pooping water all week what a spectrum life is so fucking mocked 🙄💀

In the last three years, I've lost two family members. Everytime I visit my family house and see my aunt's picture there I just recall her emaciated face and what cancer can do to someone. Someone else has it too now. I guess I have some latent sense of grief regarding both too. That's the thing man. People leave us, but not really. 

One day I will die too. As you grow older that fact becomes more real. They say it's morbid to think about it all and maybe it is. But these last couple of years have really pushed me to consider this fact cuz at the back of my mind I'm wondering hey what if it happens to me? And there's another question in my mind, one that just breaks my heart and I don't want to visit it. :( hmmm. It's okay. Maybe people who love me might miss me. If they love me that is. Who knows? Heh. Well, some others can be relieved they don't have to tell me they heard me often on vns lol. Haha. That's also true. Yin and yang I suppose. Must have been scared when I accidentally dialled after grandmum died too na. And he knew she died too, still didn't care. Atleast wasn't updating statuses then, but sometimes we slip oops. Bragging about talking oh just yesterday! to some random lady but couldn't be bothered to be nice once to someone who was actually good to him. Haha, kudos...values doth shine, don't they? Well, no worries I'll never be around again, let alone call. 

~

Meh. Takes all sorts to fill up the world. But hey, someone turning me into a brown person that makes a white one uncomfortable... that is not what I ever signed up for in life. Honestly never a day I thought I'd ever see, let alone have to endure. What a complete disgrace. And shame on me for not seeing it for what it is sooner. For that, I alone am to blame. 'lol' was a response to that iirc. I will remember that next time I feel like making excuses for him. Anyway running out of any manipulations since I called them out probably playing one of those leela bots is left. And I know him well enough to know it'll happen soon. Well, in all fairness I know this cuz I end up missing him at the same rate probably. I will concede that. Meh. Whatever. That missing is also part of my flawed thinking which refuses to completely buy into the idea of him being monstrous. Evidence be damned lol. No more bait and no more rope for anything manipulative. Is this who his parents raised him to be? Just hurt people and then hide? Heh. I thought even deadbeat dads sometimes show up lol. Maybe not. 

~

Life is way too short ya. And you never know what might happen. It's simply not wise to go around collecting bad experiences and having someone hurt you again and again in what little time you have. Best to tread your own path and stick to things that make you happy.  I don't particularly care anymore about anything but I would like to be able to finish some stuff I'm working on. That would be nice. I know I'm a good writer when I try. Heh. Funny no. I always cheered on this one's work but when I sent something just the once he haaaad to ignore it. Then came here to see if I was upset or not. I couldn't even believe how petty someone needs to be to do that. Anyway, all these are just shit memories, look forward to forgetting them all. Noone of this is fair to me or has been and I'm sick of it all, esp manipulations never ever again will I respond to anything that's not directly said to me. Lost me for good but atleast I've learnt my lesson in never allowing meanness and toxicity in my life. A heartfelt goodbye to it all. Heh. Leaving it as I found it. Simping for women. Back to what one does best eh? Lol. A full circle. 

~

I don't want this to be the sum total of life experiences either. What I have felt over the last couple of years is truly, mind-blowingly rock bottom and I do not want to revisit that area ever again. Maybe it's a form of midlife crisis but honestly this all is just way too sad for me to want to resign at this spot tbh. I'd like things to be better and I'd like to make active choices to make them better. I guess I've more or less learnt to prioritise substance and character in people and I shall look only for that going forward. I suppose the knowledge that you might die can be used for good. It's sobering to know it, but it can help you create a north star if you want. Let's give it a go. 

 12 weeks huh. Lol. Ok so be it. 

I wonder if I had gone around simping for some random dude and then tripped all over myself in my eagerness to announce it to the world like it's some achievement... How would it be taken? Well, we would never know cuz I shall never do that for someone random. 

Simping truly is cringe asf, but what can you do? Yet more things in common with his bff. Haha, that's a bit dickish of me to draw that particular comparison but I mean seriously man that was so utterly sad to witness. Anyway, I guess people have diff priorities what to do. Guys gonna be guys. 

Blah. Simp away I suppose more power to you. 

~

Awwie and how cute is cammy lol! I can't believe thibs actually keeps this on hand to spam on demand haha. And he added music also to it lmfao. Adorbs. Doggies are sooo cute and she is soooooo adooorableeeee omg. Look at that smushy face!!

I should just get a dog lol. 

Ok saving just cuz it's soooo cute!!!!

Cams

~

I can get behind simping for dogs ngl. 

Fever after a long time and complete stomach upset. Feels weird to be sick. Gastroenteritis ugh. Man do I feel bad for folks who have to deal with this often this is not fun damn

Sometimes I see these puzzles and I don't get why this move is said to be so good. Idk. I mean yeah it's deffo unlikely and in a live game it would be difficult but the thing is if you are asking the right questions along the way, which most good players are I presume, then it might not be so hard. Idk. Have seen so many others where the. Continuations are so complex whereas this one only the first move is difficult to spot but the rest just flows so. Hmmm. But would I spot it in a live game? 💭 

My mind has snapped shut to a lot of things, and yet I don't want to quantify them rn. Let's see how long until they become solidified. 

~

Having said that, I wish to credit myself for doing the things I make up my mind to do. No matter how difficult. That one comment really set me on fire lol. I guess sometimes it's good to get that external push even if it's simply cuz you want to prove someone wrong. One day I will make her eat those goddamn words, I promised that to myself. Fuck, nothing more annoying than a shitty person trying to taunt. It all shifted in my mind after that behaviour, I actually simply do not wish to forgive it or rather, I don't think I can forgive her. Guess when some lines are crossed it's very hard to uncross them... And I know I'm not specifying what it was that got under my skin but it's only cuz I'd actually like to keep this private lmao. 🙄 - 4 u, 4 whenever next. Reading my diary lol. Complete shamelessness but it's so shameless that yeah alright. Now I've even fessed up that I know, still I gotta censor myself. Lol. Censoring self in a spot I always considered hidden. Whatevs. 

~

Taunts can be an endless source of motivation esp when they come from someone who you don't respect lol. Man, but it is tough to bite my tongue and not retaliate back in kind cuz people like this just fold at the first sign of pushback then cry instantly even though they are the ones to cross a boundary first. I guess I am resentful now and it's kinda hard to unwind this. Esp as I guess for me it just boils down to accountability and lack of it. I'm sick of people who simply don't hold themselves accountable, don't apologise, then want you to let it go so they can continue being pussies and avoiding doing the right thing. Fucking pathetic. 

Dutch

Checking out more of flank games, really liking wing gambit too. Stumbled on Magnus's clip about the dutch defence, and how playing on the flank increases odds of results, from there entered a rabbit hole of Magnus' stonewall games. + the ones against Vishy. They are so good. Pawn on a3 and then just goes h5 as well, forcing be1. Oof. Goat for a reason. Him and Botvinnik, must be the best in the world at the dutch ezpz. No contest. Well, also hiki he plays it so much. He is also so damn aggressive as a player. Really should check more of his games out never have somehow. 

~>

Oo even alekhines bogoljubov game is nice. Hmmm. Dammit I like this opening now. 

Jim's mush

I don't know which rabbit hole led me back to Jim Jarmusch but here we are. That crazy dude I dated introduced me to him forever ago. Coffee and cigarettes. That was the film. Heh. These random arty circles I once found myself in. Never quite bought into them. But it did lead to good recos at times. I want to watch these films all over again just to see if they hold up over time or no. Man, this was so forever ago. I almost never let myself think of any ex, nor have I ever gone back to anyone. But I do miss some tiny elements at times and I think I want to allow myself to. I guess maybe just ak tbh. None of the rest. He was the one who knew me and understood me well. And I miss the tiny things and niceties like number of times ak would call and sometimes just sing me to sleep after chatting my ear off post midnight lol. Haha. I loved that. I never realised that such simple everyday things are what one might miss someday, but I guess negative experiences have a way of highlighting the positive ones. On balance though, we all have stayed on good terms and so it's easy to preserve a bit of fondness towards certain memories. Hehe. I always took for granted how easily people trusted me and opened up to me, still do tbh. It makes me happy to know they all felt I was reliable and that I never broke anyone's trust or harmed them. I guess I want those good times back now. The movie nights and the nice conversations and all of it. Yeah. I want it back and I'm going to find it. 

Okay let's read Rashomon. Gotta finish it today. 

~

Dammit, Rashomon got over. Ok that was a short tale. Decent one but Kappa win. Let's finish in a grove as well. 

~

Workout for mental clarity damn. When life feels sucky that one push just helps so much. Somedays I feel draggy and don't want to, but never regret pushing myself to get it done. 

Damn that's stupid chess bender lol. Completely zonked today. Idk why but even though it's rough going I kind of enjoy it too. Hmmm. Glad I am I never found this game as a kid cuz istg it would have been vv tough to leave. 

~

I wish I hadn't read the news the last few days man... Just felt so sick and gross seeing all the hate idk. And it makes me feel so shitty to think that being brown is something that gets people so much hate. In my entire life I've never once seen someone through the lens of race cuz what a dumb thing to do in the first place but damn man. People still clinging to this archaic nonsense. It's like the world keeps regressing out of boredom and spite. 

~

Fuck in 2025 people are so dogshit they care about rubbish like this how fucking pathetic and low class like sheesh. Education is so fucking important man. 

~

Tried all day and still just 1997 ooof. What an enticing number damn man. Ffs. Hahhahaa shiiit. Like an addict I've played and idc I juuust wanna cross that damn 2k dammit. Nvm just overdid it lmao. 12 hours. 💀

~

Danya also releasing stuff on morra and claiming d5 is a lil known thing. Actually called out this guy for not having it in his book and presented it like his own discovery. People are strange. 

~

Mofo just kept going like a dangling carrot and lost all gains lmfao. What a day today has been. Oops. Back to 1920 no less wtf mannnnn aaaaaa. Screw this game. No no! ⚔️

 
Such a wise thing tbh. And it's true... Someone who loves you will not put themselves in a position to lose you. I guess that's worth waiting for.

Made the mistake of reading news again oops. I eat my words, M was completely right about what he said. 

~

Ps - If you show up to read this then I hope you are doing ok. Always have to add this caveat in my conversations with myself now lol. Anyhoo.

~

Wow, reading some more now. Hmmm. Ok this stuff is legit crazy wtf is even going on. Dude wtf like bruhhh. Everyday it's more and more scary shit. So much of this is just devoid of empathy for people, their well-being and all directed at brown folks. That's such a sobering thought damn man. I never thought I'd be queasy but I am. I don't know what to say but... I think it's time to draw a line in the sand about empathy and care. Something I need to genuinely think about seriously now. 

~

Bruh and now reading that yarvins bs and according to him harvard should be abolished by April wtf yo. 💀 This entire timeline is so crazy like why even. I really have to hand it to these idiotic nutters and wannabe discount Nietzsches honestly. Their hubris is so completely mocked and how. Just bored billionaires in need of a purpose and too dumb to actually see it. 

Watching an episode of house and while I love the show I completely forgot the arc where he starts hooking up with his ex wife when she is married to someone else. Now that I'm seeing it, it feels so sick dude. How fucked up would it even feel to have some guy come in and blow up your marriage. Or if you having troubles with someone and a third person just destroys it. No matter how bad things get how tf do you just do something so shattering to someone...even ones who hook up with married folks like how do you all justify it man. How sickening dude. And this is just stuff when people don't have kids I can't even imagine as a kid how much you'd hate your parents and the dude or woman who destroys your family life. How fucked yo. 

A heartfelt puke.🤮🤮🤮

~

This stuff scares me so much dude. I know that to risk loving someone is to risk being shattered but having someone cheat on me would be the kind of shattering I don't think I will be able to get past. I've never once given in to temptation and I never will. But sometimes I'm just so afraid if it happens to me what would I do? :(  well, for starters never trust a guy who doesn't care what you feel or puts some other woman first. No matter their justifications and rationalisations it doesn't matter. If someone cares not that they hurt you then just never pick them or love them. They don't deserve it and you sure as shit don't deserve to do this to yourself. That's actually a test of loyalty too, cuz it's easy to say I won't stray etc but loyalty is built out of respect and consideration without that there is no real reason to be with or around someone in the first place. Heh. Never love someone that doesn't care what you feel, and never love someone who doesn't treat you well. 

Jester Chester

 Crawling

The last concert. Damn. 

~

Eons ago, in a lifetime far far away. I swayed to you. I didn't feel the exact kind of alienated. I've never been alienated, I've always been in the thick of things. But I got you. I got you cuz deep within I always felt like maybe noone gets me. Maybe that's a common feeling. Your popularity definitely says to me that it must be. You sang, we listened, we connected. Heh. To think of us all as tiny lil signals all blipping by ourselves. 

And today I heard this. Just a bit of a homage maybe. From an artist I kinda like. He got that damn piano right.

Crawling fuse

~

I'd pick a piano player over a guitarist anyday. 

~

I miss you Chester san. You are my personal bookmark into a time where I was angsty, a bit lost, and sooooooo into life. I didn't know it then, but damn. There was a fire in me that has somewhat simmered. I like it that way, I think it needs to only rage for something that's worth it. But looking back I guess I do love who I used to be. 

~

Funny thing is... I don't connect to the lyrics at all, never did. But the yearning, the piano, the paraphernalia. Now that. Goated asf. That fucking piano man. Damn. Just sneaks up on you.

~

Finally growing my hair long. One must tint it to suggest nostalgia. 

~

Speaking of, we end with the OGs. Best fucking intro and best goddamn collab. Fight me. 

Crawling - Cornell

How hot is chester too damn. Shoulders. Ooof. Goddamn manchilds get me everytime... Every. Fucking. Time. Like my own personal kryptonite. 

Let's go. 

Vv la di da 

~

A day without news is a good day tbh. And then I open yt to see neimz declining a lie detector test he himself set up lmao what a weirdo man. No way people don't think of him as a cheater now. Of all the silly stunts to pull. This guy really manages to  completely bungle everything all by himself. 

~

e4, d4 and g4 in the caro duuude. Maaaaan I just can't!! The stuff this man finds so damn attacking shiiiiit. And he missed that mate in one but damn dude. Aaaaaa. Such exciting chess fuck. 😭♥️