Periods about to arrive and everything seems so damn gloomy rn fuck. Just feeling depressed asf. :( just so hard to feel positive on days like these. 

William Blake

Have to see the whole thing but Great Art Explained has some of the best content out there. 

I find this guy hilarious... Hated church, monarchy, exploitation of workers, scientists and possibly everyone else too if he has time to think about it lmao. Man after my heart. Hahaha. 

Being acknowledged is one of the most important things to me tbh. If there's one thing that's a complete deal breaker for me, it's lack of appreciation and lack of these little things. And genuine acknowledgement, you can always tell when someone is being sincere. I was rereading the story I wrote for S, and how nice it felt when he and my friends all appreciated it. It's a small thing, but it meant the world to me. And the story for V, they all were so happy to see it and it felt nice. Even reading this Jolly's book rn and seeing the vid when it was revealed to Josh shows me the perfect kinda picture of camaraderie. It's not just about Josh appreciating the effort, but the acknowledgement of the love and care Ollie put in. And the thing I like about Josh too is how in his own way he shows a lot of care to his friend. That's so important. You can't just use people lol. 

Well, I'm glad slowly and steadily atleast I'm letting myself admit that there are certain things I consider important and those things I'm not willing to let go of. Just ends up feeling like emotional slavery without it to be honest. 

Heh... At this moment, I'm kinda feeling hurt about something. I know it will abate, but I don't want to forget the thing that made me feel bad. It's not worth it in life to be treated badly. And I should pay more attention to how I feel and not try to find excuses for why someone did that etc. The fact that I'm hurt, and there was no trace of care ever that I felt bad... That should take priority over everything else. Otherwise idk, it'll just be a pattern and I do not want such patterns in my life anymore. Someone who can rationalize or justify hurting you once, will probably keep doing it. I want niceness in my life. I'm not willing to compromise on that. Hehe. Guess I'm starting to be a lot more caring towards myself :)

My cousins bday today and just seeing so many folks being so nice to her. Makes me feel good. Bro is roaming around in Istanbul too, just random trips with friends. It's so nice to see people being happy. 

Heh. I want more of this stuff in my life. People who are good, who behave well and it's fun to be around them. 

And that sunshine just looks beautiful. 

Hehe... I love their friendship. It's so wholesome. M and I always talk about how they are doing all the bullshit we do, and that we should cristen ourselves Merry. Heh. 

Waited for ages for this to be shipped, but now it's here and she loved it. Promised her I'll write one for her too someday haha. I loooove turning my friends into characters and writing something that brings out their innate goodness. It gives me a lot of joy especially as something about the act also helps me understand exactly how I view them. ♥️

I remember the one I wrote for S, that was one of the best ones. But he was also a great character, so quirky. And for so many over the years too. All of them loved it. 

I'll do a small series when I get time for her, or maybe try it as a comic strip of sorts. Hmmm. Okay, keeping a pin in it. 

I'm dying to actually read this cuz I know Ollie has a wonderful way with words but I haaave to stop myself. Curses!

Finally finished the series by that lady omg. Some of the stuff she called out really struck a cord. The bits about never being happy for you... Always turning the conversation into something about themselves. Dayum. That's very true. Like I remember once when I said I went for a run and this dude was like I walked 4 kms. I kept wondering why he turned everything into something about himself. 

The athlete that was talking to her said yeah I got the chance of a lifetime to represent the US in the Olympics and I shared it with my partner and the response was ... " I wish my career was going well ". Man, it's crazy how invalidating that must have been but also crazy that it can happen to a person like him. One of the things even I notice and register as a red flag now is who is happy for me and who acknowledges something I do, vs who doesn't. Esp when I was writing the stories it definitely made a difference in my mindset when I saw, but mostly my friends and family are great and they all came through hehe. 

The thing is... In isolation all these traits kinda seem childish, which they are. It's just like some kid that's unable to focus on anyone but themselves. But when you see it in adults it's scary. Like Rublev losing his mind on the courts. Just the idea that someone is thaaaat lacking in self control is so messed up. Even if tantrums are childish, seeing a grown man do it is another level of crazy. Pretty sure Rublev is a complete nutter too, much his kinda violent behaviour is absolutely a no no. 

Sometimes I feel like even people like bweh try therapy, will it ever make any difference? Cuz it this is who you are after having done it... Then what is there to even say? Like how much worse were you? 

To paraphrase that lady... Can't give someone congrats for making it from completely unhinged to somewhat unhinged lol. 

Hmmm. It is quite scary dude. Seeing Zverev's trial and Rublev behaving this way... Just feels like men with anger issues are best avoided. You can't love them or fix them, they'll just harm you. Was seeing the ball kid's reactions and I'm sure it's horrid to be faced with someone violent like that. Makes me wonder how much worse it must be for people who grow up in those households fuck. 

Okay don't want to think this early morning lol. Nvm. Fuck you rublev you complete nutjob

If I were to be really, really honest, what would I say? :)

Ok here goes...

Heh.

Guess I don't feel safe writing it down anymore. How nice. 

Oops.

Bruh

~

A basic question like this came as a nice surprise and then I was thinking ummm why did it surprise me and I know the answer lmao. 

Duuuuuude. 

Lol. 

Wow. M is right, you know you are making the wrong choices when even bare minimum consideration starts to stand out as nice lmao. Fuck. I feel like laughing lots too. 💀

Ugh... Again getting more emails for shipments addressed to me. Wtf. I have half a mind to call the number on it to find out who it is. Just feels so fucking creepy to witness this yuck. I don't know who is behind this but it's just cheap. V low down stunt to be honest. Somehow can't believe P would be this jobless, I sincerely hope I'm right. 

People are fucking crazy and I'm sick of them.

 A bring sunny day... Let's get stuff done! 💯

We were talking about how much our early experiences shaped us. She hates the idea of being dependent on someone. Cuz she saw how humiliating it can be when the person you are dependent on decides to hold that over your head and be mean. 

I hate the idea of interacting with someone invalidating. I need to feel emotionally close and have a strong basis of trust in my equations. People who exploit that knowledge would be people I hate. 

More and more in life, I'm realising the need to be around people I can rely on and blindly trust. 

The kinda bond I had with J maybe. Atleast the emotional side of it was very precious to me. But it was also cuz he was a good man. Heh. I'm always going to be grateful for the fact that I realised in that time how great it feels to not just be treated well, but how comforting and sweet it is to be able to just have a cosy, trustful equation. There's a sense of friendship mixed with love and reliability in it that had my heart. We both used to celebrate each others' wins, talents and goodness, while helping the other if anything was wrong. Solid as a rock. Hehe. Getting over you was so painful, I loved you and the love you showed me so damn much. 

That's the kind of equation I seek in the end. I haven't found that sense of comfort with anyone since. I've definitely never felt mentally at ease or completely safe either. Hmmm. Well. It's a sad realisation but it's okay, I think it's good to be honest with yourself about certain stuff. 

Hmmm. I don't really know what's going on out of the blue, or why he is being so strange but I'm also kinda tired of having to be put in this spot tbh. 

All of this just reminds me of A. She was so insecure and would for years just keep taking offence at random things then treating me badly. The underlying vindictiveness, spite and the desire to cause harm was so ingrained there and I always hated that behaviour. She is just emotionally abusive to be honest. Lol, like the time she took offence at Ed Sheeran song lyrics like fuck. That was so unreal. 💀

Not sure why this reminds me of that now, but either way. There are good, respectful ways to resolve conflict if there is any. Although I can't even imagine what it could be and the entire process of second guessing is not a situation someone should put you in. Hopefully it's nothing but idk why it seems like something is up. 

Blah. A lot of this just feels very unnatural at times lol but bottom line is I do not wish to be harmed by anyone. Idk man.  

Lol, first dealing with some random creepy stalker that is emailing me bras, and now someone acting weird out of the blue. 

Heh, life just refuses to be peaceful at times. 

Oh well. 

Day too bright. Fuck. Lol. Kept waking up intermittently and heard a podcast on Machiavelli then dreamt about it randomly. The shit I do at times. 💀

Then heard another by that cluster B expert and lmao, it's like listening to bedtime horror stories. 

Omg that gift was every bit as nice as I expected and she loved itttt. Woohooooo...

Awesome! ♥️

Watching Sadler play is a complete pleasure. ♥️ 

Everytime I see him play, I'm just floored by the technique and the play style. I wonder if there are any other hidden geniuses in the chess world. Rarely get to see someone so elite. Whew! 🥵

He also strikes me as a very quality person, one that is worth knowing. Such a gem of an individual. 

Moonlight