Having a long talk with bro and discussing fam. It's quite sad how scattered our family dynamics have always been and how awful it was mentally to grow up around them. Even today while I have a functional relationship with them, I'm just so sick and tired of how petty and selfish a few of them have been. Dad extended his tenure at work and I know that he is doing it just so he doesn't have to stay with mom. And idk man, the way she behaves I can't quite fault him. Somewhere I think I've learnt to give up on them all tbh. And the thing I hate the most about my mom personally is how she can't take any responsibility for her behaviour, always insecure, always making things someone else's fault, never saying sorry, egoistic max, and yet controlling to boot. There are moments when I forget all this and things are fine, but in my heart I can't quite think well of her. Idk if it's some undiagnosed disorder that compels her to be this way or what. But in the end, I've witnessed this uncaring, ghastly behaviour almost all my life and I don't think I want to anymore. In anyone tbh. It takes just one shitty person to ruin the life of everyone else around them, and I firmly believe it's best to stay away from those kind of folks. All this ego, unkindness, ' cater to me and only me ' kinda selfish shit is a recipe for utter disaster. No thanks! 

Having said that, I've spent half my life knowing that my family was a source of pain to me, but I'm determined to change that for my own self going forward. Whatever equations I create going forward, I'm going to ensure have all the genuine elements of decency and kindness that I seek. And I will never let someone like my mom in my life, I just don't want to. No exceptions. 

 Jan is already over. Wtf. 

Forgiveness

Just gonna take a moment to let go and forgive all that I was upset about. I don't think carrying forward any hard feelings is good for anyone, so I'm gonna just let that anger dissolve, let it be and just try to be at peace. I don't want to be mad at anyone and I don't want to carry any negativity within me, so I'll try my best here. Whatever happens, it's okay and it will be okay. 

Films

Watched animal, dunno what the hoopla was about. Most of it was sooo shoddy. Smart marketing though, it got so much hate that  even today people are talking about it. Idk why but I feel like the quality of films is so piss poor that even I could write a half decent script. It's just awful man. Kinda shameful tbh. I legit gave Hindi films a chance thinking I hated them all my life cuz they seemed so tacky but honestly totally not worth it. A bunch of regional films were better. I remember V, he wrote suuuch a good film. And the end product is incredible as well. Lol. The amount we all used to hang out that time. I was such a kid then. I didn't even realise for years that he was so talented. Randomly used to show up at my place with his Captain Morgan and then give me tips on decor lolol. Sucked that he was a married dude who hit on women. His wife was sooo nice. Had to avoid him after I realised he was like that.  Granted he was a big douche too, but other than that deffo talented asf. God I remember how mean N was to him. Called him over to work on the script and then just didn't open the door while we were all inside. Soooo horrible. Some folks I've known have had zero issues being absolute turds to others. For no reason too, just to be a dick. What a lost opportunity for N though, he could have kept his word on the collab and been a part of that film it was amazing. Total idiot. Lol. I should watch it again. Forgot it's name too... Ummm. Wait lmc. Ah yes, Trance. What a phenom concept that was genuinely. Take a bow Vadakkan, deffo delivered on all that you narrated to me back then. And way better than expected. Man, I've really met some v talented folks over the years. Randomly I meet them, and am on the fringes of such weird stuff like sports and movies lol. But love it! 

Read a post about DD calling out sexism in chess and half the comments are like people would not be interested in your chess cuz you are just 2400 therefore the sexist comments cuz they only care you are a girl. Like 💀💀

How sad and fucked up is this. 

Love how these pathetic players suddenly feel as if only magnus can teach them. Was nice to see someone share that John B atleast calls out any bad behaviour instantly. He is a class act, I've never once seen anyone be cheap or derogatory towards women in his space. Glad there are people like him tbh. I've always appreciated how above board, classy and relevant he keeps his act. Honestly wish more people would raise their standards. The post I read was just filled with demeaning her rating or trying to justify why people act the way they do. Like so sad to do this to someone that's barely of age. Tackiness. 

Just settling in slowly into a routine. Just feels nice to keep my head down and work. I'm not allowing myself to meander and hoping slowly I build momentum for all the things that I want to do. Decided to leave all the negativity aside as well, came to the conclusion that there's no point in mulling over stuff. Gonna do my best for myself. Have a lot to do and it's best to do it with a happy mind. Aaand I'll watch a Ghibli film tonight zomg. Been ages since I saw any and I think imma go back to Howl. God I love that movie soooo much! ♥️

Finally got a new set of weights zomg so hard to lift even 5kgs 💀

Need to eat more eggggsssss 

Praying to the gods to never get injured again lol

 Oranges ♥️

Slams

AO being over leaves a strange empty feeling inside. Weirdness

Reflections and Lessons

One of C's office friends was fighting with her bf and that guy just sent her an expensive bag as a make up gift. Lmao. In my entire life I've never even thought of these things. Made me realise how low my expectations always were. Not that I care about stuff like this anyway, but I think it's important to know that there is consideration on both sides in any equation. I've been missing that for most of my life. This fact genuinely makes me sad, like legit just feel bad about this. I'll be mindful of this going forward. Plus idk this is basic so things should not reach a point where you have to feel like you are abandoned by someone everytime there's a tiff na. Hehe, I like feeling wanted and that I matter. Like rn also C called up just to check up on M and just listening to them talk feels so great. He is a gem, always does the sweet things... I'm glad she has him, he is a quality guy. :) 

Well bday kinda over. It feels decent today, just chilling with friends and watching match. I felt v touched by that, just low key and sweet. It had been a while since I caught up with a bunch of folks, esp.my cousin who always makes it a point to call me on my bday. I love you guys lots. 

Meg asked if M wished me lol. I'd made an effort for his and here we are. Even she was like yeah he won't, he will just act like he doesn't remember. But we are not 13 and this much pettiness is 🤷‍♀️ Just weird that he can't even be nice on his own one time. Lol. Like my happiness, making me feel nice...doesn't mean anything at all? No warmth for me huh? :) 

Damn, I really wanted this win with this exact scoreline but fuck. Gutted for meddy. 🥺

And now seeing Federer crying after losing to Rafa zomg. How much emotion. Hahahhaha fuck. I love you FedEx so damn much, what a baby you are. I'm fully gonna be like Mirka someday, just taking care of an adorable, competitive manchild 🤣♥️

The hustle and bustle of a coffee shop always intrigues me. So many people, all living their lives mingled with smells of fresh brews and baking breads. I'm not sure I like the chaos, but I love observing them and seeing them animated and happy. I'm becoming more and more into just observing scenarios these days, but in a very detached way. It feels like a live movie just going on as I breathe. 

It's funny, having a bday breakfast and it's the first time in years that I'm just chill on my bday, I don't fear anyone holding it hostage and not wishing me as some form of punishment lol. Every year someone would do that, over something petty. I think I've finally learnt not to give importance to people who can be this mean lol. That's a great self gift tbh. ♥️

Oo post 12. Happy b'day to me! 😬 ♥️

Time to tank my 1900 bullet ratinggg

Watching Jobava play some 2700 and it feels like he is just trying to school him lots lol. Wonder who this dude is - OptimistischeSschach. Tongue twister it be. 

Awwie he rage quit after losing 7-1. Dayum. I like how clinical Jobava is so steady. 

Lmc the game he won later:

https://lichess.org/b9M6NV0n/black

Oh he played this boy also, hmmm. Beat him in a ruy looks like. 

Man, who areeee these players some of them are so damn strong. No wonder Jobava was playing with his food haha. Deffo wanted to fuck around. 

Bday tomo. After a long time I'm just looking forward to a chill day, just watch the match, drink a little and hope this meddy brings his A game lol. Would be great to see a wild 5 setter and cheer hehe. I wanna get some sparkling wine and put a strawberry in it just to pretend to be fancy. Sparkling wine is such a crime against wine and yet my palette loves it. 

Clink clink 🥂