Baby, baby, you're my sun and moon
Girl, you're everything between
A lot of pretty faces could waste my time
But you're my dream girl
~
I don't think anyone thinks this anymore. It's just pretty sentiment in a song. Most times all they do is follow the next pretty girl on insta, if you are lucky she will show you her boobies. Makes it worth following her, no?
~
"Way to the home is promised to be so long, there are only debris underfoot "
Weary, but real.
That music just brings so much stillness to me I don't even know why. Something so small but means so much to me. Idk what it is about the piano but everything is so still when it comes on. And yet I feel like it's a drop in the ocean and insignificant to anyone but me.
Keys on the piano same as the keys to my heart I fear sometimes. Yet another secret I gotta hide.
Interesting numbers on the birth trends across the world. China projected to fall to 500 mill that's an insane drop. Having an ageing population is always going to be a massive drain on resources but knowing that country it'll be very scary what they'll try to do as damage control. Fucked up to even think of. Why is it always women who face the brunt of all this? Forced abortions was bad enough but forced pregnancies would be a nightmare of a situation. Anyway let me not think of it.
Wish people in India had a similar mindset though. Of not having babies. Most educated folks tend not to now, or atleast have just the one. Lol, except I wanted 3 at a point just so I can create my own version of a happy family the way I always imagined one to be. Hehe. No women in my life ever understood that. I guess they equate kids with burdens which is fair if you don't want them. I've reached a point where I'm okay with either possibility now I guess. I'll be fine either way cuz I realise kids aren't necessary to be happy with someone too so both choices are fine as long as you love and care about each other. But anyway, still the stats are slow as of now. I want to read more about this kinda interesting.
Idk what it is about the new year beginning but I have this sense of gloom that has just crept in for some reason I do not understand. Maybe I'm just nervous or something idk but feels extremely strange cuz I have no clue what the source of it is. Hope it passes soon.
Ugh. The problem with an overactive mind is that sometimes it just truly wants to fuck with its own self. I'm great 95% of the time but that 5% when I feel scared or worried, I'll just straight up imagine the worst outcomes and idk it's like what Rowling said about dementors in HP, it's a good analogy for fear and depression cuz it legit just sucks out all warmth from life when you feel that way. For me, it feels more like my internal landscape is just cold and arid except that I'm seeking warmth. Anyway, blah. Idk why I'm acting this way today, probably just bored so fucking with myself. I need to drive myself away from seeking outcomes in life instead turn towards learning and liking the journey. A lot better as an approach and then I don't think of 10001 ways how if I want something I'm doomed to be denied it in some 100 diff ways. I think that's another roadblock I face mentally, just self sabotage out of fear of winning/attaining goals. Whatever imma defeat this shitty mindset too, it's not going to be a burden I carry perpetually. Suck it.
Was scrolling some reddit randomly and came across an askreddit about kinks that people couldn't get into. Man, some of them are unreal. A girl wanted a dude to fuck her with a baseball bat like what the actual fuck. Here, I hated it the one time someone used a ribbed condom cuz it hurt me. Ffs. I never understood how some women get into these very extreme sort of violent kinks. Even wanting to be hit. And some of it isn't playful it's like yeah hurt me for reals. Dayum.
What are the things I can't get into? One is deffo being dominant. I haaate submissive men like I don't think I'd ever get turned on if a dude wanted me to bang him with a strap on or something. The very idea gives me the icks. It's interesting to me that I can only want to fuck someone that I respect in some sense cuz in my mind to do this to a guy has to mean you think of him in a very belittling way. Or maybe I'm just v old school in that way idk. But I do like my men masculine and the take charge type in bed. Hmmm what else? Well no baseball bats either lmao, or punching me or something... Reading that was sorta disturbing like guys are fucking strong first of all. And the ones willing to punch you during sex would definitely be the crazy types who will hit you other times too. No scat and all that either. God I still remember that one reddit thread that was just legend. Omg I wish I could find it. Hahahhaha deffo one of the funniest things I'd read. Poor guy.
Oh fuck it, now I'm spiralling in old reddit threads and it's way more enjoyable than musing this. Peace out!!!
What an enjoyable read this was. Jay Rayner, can be a bit of a twat from time to time, but is always unceasingly funny.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/09/le-cinq-paris-restaurant-review-jay-rayner
"Other things are the stuff of therapy. The canapé we are instructed to eat first is a transparent ball on a spoon. It looks like a Barbie-sized silicone breast implant, and is a “spherification”, a gel globe using a technique perfected by Ferran Adrià at El Bulli about 20 years ago. This one pops in our mouth to release stale air with a tinge of ginger. My companion winces. “It’s like eating a condom that’s been left lying about in a dusty greengrocer’s,” she says."
The worst part of this evocative statement is how I know exaaaactly what she is talking about. Oooh lar lar.
Watching a movie called Three of Us. Seeing a Hindi movie after so long. It's so sweet. All their equations are shown so beautifully. I love good cinematography and slow films sometimes. One of the things that struck me was when that lady comes to visit her childhood love, even he gets touched by the gesture and slowly starts writing more poetry, creating more art. It's such a subtle thought but I feel like it's true, some people just put you more in touch with your emotions and you want to create because life feels that much more beautiful. I've been writing so much more this past one year. I've had this blog for a decade, and not a single one of those years compelled me to write more than a handful of times each year. And in a strange way, this blog is a repository of who I am, who I used to be, the thoughts I thought over the years. I always meant for it to be the one space that keeps me honest, but I didn't realise the volume of writing would be something that would also be an indicator of significance. Interesting, huh?
Dammit. Now I feel like reposting last night's rant lmaooo. Just sitting in my drafts all hidden. But then again, that is me too, hiding the strongest, most impulsive feelings. So why should it not be the same here? Yeah, I'll let it be.
Heh. And I really love this movie. So soft. I like both the couple's and how cute their romantic moments are. I love such slow silent moments tbh. The inside jokes and the gentle way of just being there for each other. Good marriages are made of these. Absolutely divine.
Lmaooo. Why was I so emo yesterday? Haha. Weird. Over something sooo small, but I guess those tiny things are all I seek and when I don't even get those then I feel emo lol. Note to self: You're a total child at times, P. But it's okay to let yourself feel things if you do, just don't make it anyone else's problem that's all. :)
And it's okay to want something small like someone wishing you on occasions on their own, or them texting you first and all that, it's not the end of the world. Lots of people do a whole lot more for people they care about. Not unreasonable to expect just a bit of unprompted care here and there. You don't have to spend your entire life thinking you don't deserve it or that someone wouldn't do it for you. :) And sometimes people show care in diff ways too, may not know this is what you want cuz it might seem insignificant to a lot of them. But it isn't insignificant in that it means something to you.
awwie now I wanna self hug lol.
And deleting that post cuz I don't wanna see such an emotional thing I'm so embarrassed by it rn oof. Still, I'm really good at hiding strong emotions and keeping them to myself na? Noone ever really knows me, lifetime of practice just hiding how I feel. Maybe that's why I have so much empathy for his lil sibling, we both have never felt too safe opening up about how we feel I guess, and learnt not to show it too. Heh. Alrighty, tis what tis.
Okay gotta snooze more then let's go get some food. I am SO HUNGRYYY
🙄
Bleh... You know. I don't ask for much but sometimes even I'd like it if someone was nice to me. Whatever.
Lol. I just feel like it'd be nice if I was given some importance once in a while. Whatever idc. Imma just stop caring, caring is never an advantage is it? Sometimes I'm just so sick of being the only one that puts in effort. Atleast it seems like that to me from time to time. Maybe some holy day someone might think to actually make me feel like I'm important to them. One can hope.
Ugh. I'm just annoyed. Stupid drinks not helping this either.
Well, like you, I'll just say 'lol'.
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