Why is my uterus rebelling against me so much? :( just feel like popping two painkillers and then passing out for 12 hours except it's monday morning so I can't :( I need a hug
Edit: dunno if it's the periods or the painkillers but this entire day has gone by in a haze. Damn, they are so strong I couldn't feel my lower body at all.
Took a pain killer for periods, and forgot and drank beer and now my head is spinning and meg and I are watching the world cup and the team is down 3 wickets for 2 runs and idk wtf want to screech at them. What a shit performance. Fucking always comes down to Kohli. Anushka must be losing her mind.
Ugh I need food I'm feeling all woozy
Edit: losing to 1600s also cuz everything is a blur. I don't think I should have forgotten that I took a pill before drinking. 🥺 mirroring stupid WC match so annoyed at the way they are playing absolute trash
Need to put a reminder to drink water else a hangover will kill me tomo. Why did I drink after so long? :( but match day so it's ok.
Omg I need food I have to remember to eat
Ugh. I actually just want to... :(. Dammit. Aaaaaa.
Okay don't let your mind go there. Stooop. 🚫
Order foooood.
Told myself I'll be zen but then saw him play incessantly while I was bulleting my mind away too and just had the urge to shout at him lots but didn't. So far I've limited myself to two lines I said, and it was uber polite and then decently left it alone but istg if he doesn't fix stuff with me I'll never ever forgive him.
It's so strange. I miss him so I want to shout at him. There's no logic here and guess what idgaf about logic it can kiss my ass for all I care. Read some quote on stoicism just today and wanted to tell Marcus Aurelius to kiss my ass too. Anyway he is numero uno stoic so he can write in his diary like a baby girl while he proceeds to kiss said ass.🖕🏼
Someone give me a medal for my self control, I deserve one.
Played a lot of chess since yesterday. It's a good distraction. Lol. I thought I'd feel really bad about how he is treating me, but rn all I feel is a bit of anger and not much else. At some point in my life, I'd have been gutted at the thought that I am disposable to someone that I gave a fuck about, but time and experience has done its thing and my mind is just like yeah ok accept it. I guess that's a good thing. But I don't wanna be in this type of dumb situation man. Like it's soooo unnecessary. At first I thought he was deliberately being mean but no, he is a complete child so I bet he is acting like this for some reason only he knows and for some reason he has to hide it then snap at me and leave me guessing. Trying so hard not to cuss, but what can I say about someone who even eats pineapples like a kid, stabbing at them with a spoon. Not that I'm any better, I'm also super dug in cuz I want things to be normal and everytime it feels like it isn't I also panic and want to fix it immediately and I bet I come across as a complete lunatic too.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Okay now I am fucking mad too lol. This is beyond stupid. All it needs is a proper conversation to sort out but he will die in that stupid pit he wants to dig himself in, and I'll die on this stupid one where I want to know I'm important enough for him to fix stuff with me and be forthcoming. I wish I could let that go but ugh, it's like an existential thing for me and I want to know this cuz ugh. Well cuz you don't understand that you have this way of drawing out my care and loyalty and I'm terrified that you'd treat me like I'm meaningless and I'll get hurt once I allow myself to fully have your back. You don't understand how permanent my loyalty tends to be, I'm not flaky and I just caaaaan't give that 100 unless I'm sure I'm cared for too. So no dice, and this isn't an immature hill so suck it I win. And make no mistake, currently, you are treating me like trash and I hate it. Can't just leave me stranded everytime there's a hint of a conflict. I want there to be openness so I can actually discuss all this with you so you understand how I feel, instead of just hiding it and keeping it bottled up. Plus I'd like to know what's on your mind too. I'm sure I must have fucked up from time to time and you might have your own view which is why you are angry but I can't guess what it is.
Lol both are mad but don't know why the other is mad so pretending to be okay mostly but then being dramatic at intervals. Maybe it's that I was impulsive and erratic and that might have hurt you. I'm sorry if that's so or if I made it seem like I was stranding you, I would never do that. Even when I'm quiet from time to time, it's not that I think you are bad, it's that I just get scared so I try not to impose. Plus you neverrr talk first so it feels like it doesn't matter to you. This is the issue. Cuz I still can't tell if it impacted you or you didn't give a shit lol. And maybe I was so busy thinking you don't give a shit that I inadvertently made it seem like I don't and didn't stop to think how that might come across. Idk, I hope it wasn't that. And you also can talk first no! Idk why you hesitate to, are you concerned how I might perceive it? No idea what it is, but it just comes across as uncaring and dismissive. None of the people in my life have a problem talking first, why do you? 😶 I've also not had the courage to address any of this. Oh man. But if that is so, and the suddenness of my reactions have hurt you, then I guess I owe you a huge apology too. Fuck. P, you are an idiot. Maaaan, I hope I didn't hurt youuuuu. And I hope you know I don't actually think any mean things about you to be honest. In fact I just see you in such a positive light all the time, it's weird. I barely ever do that for anyone, but with you it's just this gut feeling. Guess that's why I want to fix stuff once and for all, cuz I know you are one of the good ones. Lol, FML for me. This whole thing is one giant FML. 💀
On a lighter note - There should be a competition to see which of us ends up being more immature though. I used to think him, but I'll also compete for gold in this department. 💪🏼
Oh well. SUCK IT, EVERYONE!
Okay, lets get some work done.
PS - once this fight is over, if that day shall ever come, I'll ask him to play semantle with me and meg and beat his ass 100-0 and give him a real reason to whine.
Just had to sleep it seems. Lol. Idk man. I care about you a shit ton but if you just don't wanna tell me and be this way always then what can I say? All I want is for things to be normal and nice between us, why is it notttt?!
Maybe this is just you wanting me to leave you be. Must be that. So I guess I will
Fuck everything, imma spend time listening to Mr. Matthews.
Sweep me away, oh sweet, sweet saxophone.
Concert versions are the BEST
Crashhhhh! Into meeee
I come intoooo youuuuuu
A boy's dreammmm.
Lol, naughty naughty.
You know what I would love to do rn? Just go lie down on some grass and look up at the night sky. I love that stillness. And heyyy... Fields of gold just came on. How perfect.
Maaan... what is even wronnnggg? I don't understand! Did I do something? Why so distant then? For the life of me I can't figure out wtf it must have been? Ugh. And all this silent treatment and not telling like what do I even do with that?? Aiyooo. I thought everything was ok, it all seemed fine but then randomly he acts aloof like wtfff. I just hate this. Atleast can tell me so I can fix it or explain if there is something to be explained 😭. How will I know if he just ignored that question everytime?!! Even when I ask about his injury he has just been snapping my head off like I'm doing something wrong. Wtf. Yaaaar. Plus it's so rude and dismissive towards me! I'm not some dog that has to be trained, I find it so insulting when people just straight up ignore you like what you say has no value. It's the one thing I just hate more than anything. Just truly, truly hate it. I can't keep badgering also even though I want to bigtime now but then it'll just be a fight. Some ten times I've asked already anyway. Ugh. For once can he be upfront and just trust me enough to say what's on his mind?! Why is that so tough for him? Or just yell and fight if that's what he wants but get it out so we can be normal!!! 😭😭😭
Fuck me, what a weird ass situation!
And I knowww he is mad about something. I can feel it! Just hiding it all the time.
Ffs all I do is work, read books, play some chess and play semantle and crossword with meghana and still life has to find a way to be complicated for reasons I don't understand. I HATE THIS. Men are total babies. Always giving grief. Yehi hota hai... bhaav do, pyaar se baat karo phir attitude de denge upar se. Tab manao bhi.
I'll just shout, fuck it.
Hehe
Anderssen wussed out. Lolol. Thou art a pussy, Adolf.
Interesting motif here too. It's kinda similar to going after the dark squares here, right? Lmc.
Morphy - Anderssen 1858
I ate lots and I'm lying in bed and idk man this feels so nice 🤭
Wish I had a dog to cuddle. Hehe.
M didn't work today, did he? :( I find his consistency so comforting. Actually miss seeing games when he is taking time off. Poor thing, he works so much and here I am, shamelessly wondering why he didn't work one more day lmao. Hope he is doing fine though, sometimes I feel like he pushes himself too much. Anyway, hopefully he is back tomo. Till then I shall amuse myself with looking up other games but FIRST finish some pages of your book P, no elves are going to come help. Okay bye.
PS - I kinda hope our equation is smooth sailing from now. I'd like that. It was sweet how he responded when I told him about my vit d thing. It was a small thing but I liked it. Those tiny tiny words of niceness mean something to me. That's not too much to ask for also, right? I dote cuz that's my nature but I guess I also deserve some care from time to time, don't I? :) Yes, I do. Anyway, I also have to try and not be too guarded, just be happy and relaxed from now.
Learn to trust in people P, he is a good soul and you've always known that and he does watch out for you, even if he is subtle about it. So trust that instinct from now.
Plus, a little talk to self - I think you need to stop letting fear get in the way of your judgement and in general let it colour your view of people. Enough is enough, there is no need to constantly assume the worst outcome and then get scared or act out or be harsh to someone else because of it. Time to adult, do it slow but do it right from now on. You'll get there. People who care will make room for it and be there for you as well, so no need to worry. Cheers! Chin chin.
Philomena Cunk is a total goat. Omg. What a comedic genius. ♥️
Lines that made me laugh till my stomach hurt:
Philomena to a professor of feminism: A feminist looks in the mirror, do they see an equal woman or a better woman?
"Despite being the stuff of nightmares, Santa is the world’s most popular home intruder.”
"Shakespeare’s greatest work is Game Of Thrones: ‘Queen Joffrey, like all Shakespeare’s queens, was played by a young boy in a dress."
Oh man. I think Cunk on Shakespeare is deffo my fav. And the time she asked some ridiculous question to the professor emeritus at Oxford what was itttt? Ugh I forgot but it was so asinine I loved it.
Ladyyyy, I love you!!!
Meg tells me her ex husband never even followed her on insta. I don't know whether to laugh or what. What a guy man. Seriously. I never thought social media bs was a thing you need to read into but looks like that's yet another indicator of how close or distant people keep you. Was it to hide that he was married? Idk. Could be. He was cheating on her anyway so maybe it was something like that. Plus, she is like me, I'm sure she never would have asked him to follow as she would consider that to be something people should do of their own volition, and it's the right approach as well.
BUT! I just hate when someone treats my friends badly. 💀
She was right. If someone wants to find a way to give you importance, they will. And equally, if they want to find a way to be dismissive and insulting, they will do that too.
Whatever, hate that dude. 🚫
So pretty.
I'm getting so used to these that I'm just like anticipating all games to have such killer attacks lmao. Talk about spoilt.
Anderssen Keiseritzky 1951
