Black Madonna

Call me when you're ready to be real

Black Madonna, hallelujah

Makes no difference here, so let's be real

Black Madonna, my black flower

Nowhere left to run 

Nowhere left to hide

Hallelujah 

Why

the fuck do I like a Harry Styles song now zomg. ಠ⁠﹏⁠ಠ

Answer the phone
"Harry, you're no good alone
Why are you sittin' at home on the floor?
What kind of pills are you on?"
Ringin' the bell
And nobody's comin' to help
Your daddy lives by himself
He just wants to know that you're well, oh

In this world, it's just us
You know it's not the same as it was
In this world, it's just us
You know it's not the same as it was
As it was, as it was
You know it's not the same

I've heard this more than 5 times, regressing like a foo' 

Ugh

You know how I was melting down all of last week. Yeah my periods just came about. 🙄🙄. Always the culprit. I should just stop taking anything I think seriously during pms cuz now I feel like a doof.

Kierkegaard on Mozart

"One can indeed imagine many more musical classics, yet there still remains just one work of which it can be said that it's idea is absolutely musical, so that the music does not enter as an accompaniment but, in bringing the idea to light, reveals its own innermost being. Therefore Mozart with his Don Giovanni stands the highest among the Immortals." 

There's a lot I want to unpack here, will think and update.

Edit: Still thinking but it's so tough to get to the central thought here. How do you reveal your being? Is he implying that it's an end unto itself?

And then he says:

What someone has loved with the

infatuation and admired with the enthusiasm of youth, what someone has kept up

a clandestine and enigmatic commerce with in his innermost soul, what someone

has hidden away in his heart, that is something the like of which one always

approaches with a certain shyness, with mixed feelings, when one knows that the

intention is to try to understand it. What you have learned to know bit by bit, like

a bird gathering every little straw, happier over each small piece than over all the

rest of the world; what the loving ear has absorbed, solitary in the great

multitude, unremarked in its secret place of hiding; what the greedy ear has

snatched up, never gratified, the miserly ear hidden, never secure, that whose

softest echo has never deceived the searching ear’s sleepless vigil; what you

have lived by day, relived by night, what has banished sleep and made it

troubled; what you have dreamt of in sleep, what you have woken up to dream of

again when awake, what caused you to leap up in the middle of the night for fear

of forgetting it; what has come to you in your moments of greatest rapture; what

like a woman’s embroidery you keep constantly beside you; what has followed

you on the clear moonlit nights, in lonely forests by the shores, in the gloomy

streets, in the dead of night, at break of day, what has ridden with you on

horseback, accompanied you in the carriage, what permeates your home, what

your chamber has been witness to, what has echoed in your ear, resounded

through your soul, what your soul has spun into its finest web – that now reveals

itself to thought.

Well, excuse me Mr. Kierkegaard! So much finery banishes my soul. You have got to be joking cuz I refuse to indulge this.

Niceness and Narcissists

Are some people so insecure that reaching out first seems like an exercise in humiliation for them? I was wondering about this lately. Like is it really worth tanking something for them because they find it this hard to be considerate? Or is it that being considerate isn't even something that occurs to them because they don't actually care about the other person at all? Maybe they look to just squeeze some validation out of them? And you'd rather be alone than initiate a conversation by yourself? It's fascinating. Weird asf, but fascinating.

I recall my rebound A from a few years ago and how he used to give me silent treatment when he got offended over something random ( "how else will you learn?"), couldn't take responsibility for his behaviour, couldn't say sorry for anything to anyone, hell he even refused to make plans with me or anyone else but would instead wait to be called because someone saying no seemed like the end of the world to him. He would try and act aloof and businesslike because in some childish way he thought it made him come across as important as opposed to comical and cringe.

It was my first glimpse into the mind of a narcissist and while it was toxic asf, I had never imagined how painful their existence seems to be. When I compared how easy and free flowing my equations with my friends and acquaintances have been and contrast it with A's hypersensitivity over every random comment anyone ever makes, it just made me realise how truly pathetic and childlike and fear riddled the world of a narc is. 

Here's hoping A was the first and last of his kind that I come across, and everyone else just learns to grow the fuck up cuz it's about time.

Intense Conversations

I had a long talk with M yesterday and got a bit of perspective. She was shocked when she realised how scared and insecure I felt about something. I'm glad she saw that reaction in me and we could atleast address it, because lately I've been feeling a bit stressed and as usual assuming that stress is actually acceptable. I'm trying to change this.

We also spoke about people, work, relationships and what I want out of life. In general, the last few years have been ones of quiet contemplation as well as trying to change my mindset. I can't seem to view work as anything other than a chore any longer, but it provides a sense of security. I wish there was a way I could find it meaningful as well though. It leaves me with a feeling of being a hamster in a wheel a lot of the times. I always get frustrated when I have less to do and don't feel engaged. Maybe it's time to put my energy in some other goal and try and find meaning there. Cuz just sucking it up doesn't do it for me. 

We were also talking about partners and she noticed how insecure I feel and was genuinely worried about me. I reacted to something simple with such a sense of anxiety that she was very surprised. I guess I am too. It's been a while since I dated anyone, as it's been very tough to get over the past. What sucks is that what happened then left me feeling so broken and unloved that idk in some very fucked up way I keep thinking I don't deserve it. And I know that's irrational but it makes me feel so small and insignificant. It's probably a sign that I need to be with someone who is patient with me and helps build a sense of trust, constancy and security. Like M's bf. He makes such an effort with her and makes sure she is happy, he calls, talks, shares his life and isn't really afraid of showing his care towards her. People like that make it easy to fall for them and it's easy to let your fears melt away when you know that the other person is constant and dependable. I should be looking for these traits as well. Cuz I'd like that for once in my life too, as I know I'd be someone who is caring and loving and dependable as well. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always the one putting an effort and I do hope the right sort of love comes my way whenever it does. 

Like I promised her, I'll make sure I'll get over these insecurities and prevent myself from feeling like that going forward. For now, just looking forward to a new workplace, getting fitter and keeping a happy mindset while I go about my day. For everything else, fingers crossed 🤞

Swings

I feel so gloomy and moody. Idk if it's the nightmare or lack of sleep or what but I just feel very down in the dumps rn. :(

Edit: been trying to decode it for a while and my best guess is that I feel like there are two choices on the table. Either put up with someone's bad behaviour or have them abandon you. 

Lmfao this is so fucked. But also my core fear. Fml. How do I overcome this?

Nightmare

Was trying to sleep and instead got woken up by a bad dream. I was at some sort of low lying bungalow which has a lot of people chilling in it. It happened to be a workplace of sorts where x worked/lived. I was sauntering around and wondering if I should say hi but instead felt awkward so decided to just chill. I saw a girl in white walk in and she went in the room I assumed was X's bedroom. I didn't want to intrude so decided to go outdoor. Went outside and people were trying to nap in the garden. Suddenly the sky seemed to become dusky and dark and it felt like there's some smoke drifting around. Like maybe a fire was on. I tried to get the people to go inside the house but noone would. Felt like I should leave but instead went inside the house again. A room seemed semi empty and had a computer in it. Thought I'd go watch some vids if nothing else. Went in, and suddenly the computer screen started to freeze and I realised it's actually X's desktop. Got a weird feeling like he would read the absolute worst into this and think I'm prying. I started panicking. Two boys came to the door and asked me what's up and why I was still there. They seemed like they had wrapped up from the night and were looking to head out. I felt really uneasy and X was still not up yet. Started trying to close the windows on the screen but total panic started engulfing me. Like he would arrive any moment and straight up be cold to me and mostly shout at me. At this point I actually just woke up and it took me a minute or two to calm down lol. 

I'm wondering why I felt so afraid of him or why I presume that if I don't behave the way he wants, he would basically be cold to me. Maybe cuz he hasn't actually made an effort to make me feel valued or important, atleast not personally. I also wonder if these are my fears or I'm observing something that I can't define. But it's weird that I'm not at ease and end up thinking that I'm doing something potentially annoying that would make him upset at me. All this makes me think that maybe deep down I feel he wouldn't be understanding towards me or my insecurities. 

Feels like a coin toss sometimes.

Trust. What a joke

Always. Al-fucking-ways. I am just so damn angry rn.

Fuuuuuck

Possess

Aeons ago, verses were written 

and until now they hold.

I can't help but pull out parts of you, 

And bring them to the fore

The night may fall

The day may burn

The clock might turn and turn and turn

Keep showing me your shadow selves

And know that I won't run

Tired

I've been feeling soooo exhausted these last few weeks. Just want to sleep all the time. Last night I actually slept for close to 9 hours and I still feel like I have no energy. Stupid fucking COVID. (⁠╯⁠°⁠□⁠°⁠）⁠╯⁠︵⁠ ⁠┻⁠━⁠┻

Wish someone would just coddle me and make a fuss lol. Adulting all the time is so meh.

Poetry in words

Vīta brevis, ars longa, occāsiō praeceps, experīmentum perīculōsum, iūdicium difficile. ~ -------------------- ~ Life is short, and art long/skillfulness takes time, opportunity fleeting, experimentations perilous, and judgment difficult I happened to come across this quote in one of the eulogies of Ryuichi Sakamoto, and while listening to one of his songs. Something about it shatters me inside. Atleast a little bit. It's reminding me of that day I did shrooms, and felt like every person in the world has trotted along on the same ground without actually noticing a thing, caged in their own minds.  I love the translation that says skillfulness takes time. Indeed it does. It takes a lifetime, and even that can be less. But it helps birth something out of you, a baby of toil and trouble and anger that bubbles.  The fact that Hippocrates said this gives it so many layers in my mind. So few people strive to seek, and fewer succeed. I've often thought that it takes one person in most fields who really dives in deep, and in doing so - pushes the needle of knowledge a fair bit. Maybe it's a cause that's worth dedicating yourself to. Maybe that's why art is important, though intangible. I don't know where I land on this, but I hope I find out someday.

Sometimes you find something so damn exquisite and out of the 💙

Curating for myself

Up a hill

It's been a while since I went on a solo trek or just explored a city by myself. Just want to take off for a few days and chill. Climb some nice rocks and watch a nice sunrise. 

Ugh, imma go tomo if I can. 

Been hearing

Puhpuhpuhpuhpuuuruuumprumpummmm

Distance and Displacement

I hear the sounds of the trees, rustling outside. Thunder slowly creeping in. The cold will break the heat, about time it did. Windy whislings make me calm, steady, rooted. One of the few times I feel like I can be in the moment, just adequate. Peace in the elements, away from everyone and noone to answer to.

Sometimes, I wish I was in a cold country, somewhere in the mountains. Looking over gloomy skies in the cold, face numb and if I smile, I feel my skin stretch in protest. 

There's so many flights of fantasy I want to take. So many questions I want answered. Not even sure who I want to ask them to, just a nebulous entity who I project wisdom on, maybe? 

Will it always feel like trying to squeeze water out of stone? Cuz I'm on the verge of quitting. Maybe I'm just not meant to experience it. Funny.

If only life came with a manual. I'm happy to do the work, not afraid to do it either. The joke is that I just don't know what the instructions would say. A hundred for willingness and a zero for sense of direction. So I guess we move a lot and still just stay in place.