Intense Conversations

I had a long talk with M yesterday and got a bit of perspective. She was shocked when she realised how scared and insecure I felt about something. I'm glad she saw that reaction in me and we could atleast address it, because lately I've been feeling a bit stressed and as usual assuming that stress is actually acceptable. I'm trying to change this.

We also spoke about people, work, relationships and what I want out of life. In general, the last few years have been ones of quiet contemplation as well as trying to change my mindset. I can't seem to view work as anything other than a chore any longer, but it provides a sense of security. I wish there was a way I could find it meaningful as well though. It leaves me with a feeling of being a hamster in a wheel a lot of the times. I always get frustrated when I have less to do and don't feel engaged. Maybe it's time to put my energy in some other goal and try and find meaning there. Cuz just sucking it up doesn't do it for me. 

We were also talking about partners and she noticed how insecure I feel and was genuinely worried about me. I reacted to something simple with such a sense of anxiety that she was very surprised. I guess I am too. It's been a while since I dated anyone, as it's been very tough to get over the past. What sucks is that what happened then left me feeling so broken and unloved that idk in some very fucked up way I keep thinking I don't deserve it. And I know that's irrational but it makes me feel so small and insignificant. It's probably a sign that I need to be with someone who is patient with me and helps build a sense of trust, constancy and security. Like M's bf. He makes such an effort with her and makes sure she is happy, he calls, talks, shares his life and isn't really afraid of showing his care towards her. People like that make it easy to fall for them and it's easy to let your fears melt away when you know that the other person is constant and dependable. I should be looking for these traits as well. Cuz I'd like that for once in my life too, as I know I'd be someone who is caring and loving and dependable as well. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always the one putting an effort and I do hope the right sort of love comes my way whenever it does. 

Like I promised her, I'll make sure I'll get over these insecurities and prevent myself from feeling like that going forward. For now, just looking forward to a new workplace, getting fitter and keeping a happy mindset while I go about my day. For everything else, fingers crossed 🤞