Jesus Christ the nuttiness of it all lol. I have no words, and sadly I'm not even mad. Weird. I should be exasperated but I'm simply like yeah ok. Achilles. That's as good a name as any. " I do what I want ". Well, so do I. But usually, it's the right thing, the considerate thing for everyone, not just be a selfish jerk. I just don't go around showboating about it. I can't imagine treating someone I love or respect that way tbh. In fact, if I put myself in those shoes I feel like wow how insanely selfish one must be, it's something I do not relate to. And that's just it. I can't imagine treating someone I love that badly. And I don't wish to be on the receiving end of it either. 

~

Talking to my friend the last couple of years made me realise how broken she is as a person, she doesn't value anyone in her life. She clings to all that she devalues, it's just behind their backs. I found it repulsive. Devaluing people like that, it was eye opening for me. Saying that lying is a right, and making a case for dishonesty with her partners. It made me realise people like that cannot be counted on. Cuz they are always so afraid of being betrayed that they simply do the backstabbing themselves. How sad. Even her efforts to make things normal are so short of normalcy, she simply can't seem to be direct and I see all that, and I see that it's easy for me to traverse that distance but I don't want to. I hate my integrity being questioned and I suppose all she does is paint everyone as a villian to justify saying shitty things about them.  And watching her say things like hitting kids for discipline is ok then realising I was appalled at that and instantly screwing over n and claiming he hits his kid was surreal. That woman would paint her friends husband as a child beater just to save face. What the fuck was that. The fact that she doesn't even think it's wrong. That's insane to me. Just. Idk. No integrity whatsoever. 

I guess what I'm getting at is simple... Distrust, dishonesty, disrespect... These are not things I stand for nor do I wish to be subjected to them, or be on the receiving end of such dysfunction. It's not my job to save anyone, and I'm not inclined to do the work for someone else anyone. That's all. Tis what tis. 

~

And I contrast this with the fact that we as a species are about to travel the furthest ever from earth. Holy moly. Just. Such an incredible achievement and the idea of 4 people alone in vast emptiness is so insane my mind is not able to catch the gravity of it, pun intended. Damn dude. That's the kinda stuff life is worth dedicating to. To the service of knowledge. Godspeed. ♥️, and a 🥐 to remind you of the joys of home. 

Fuck this stupid game I tried so damn much and hit fucking 2194 and not 2k I hate this I quit. Fuckin waste of time ugh. Imma go out and ditch this stupidity and that stupid 2200 idc more than hiki gah

I still feel like shit. Just feeling so fucking bad. I'm actually unhappy. 

Lol. Life. 

~

Fuck it, today is the day I give up. 

Would drown myself in sad music but even the theatrics seem to have abandoned me. 

Touche, and fare thee well. 

~

For me, just simply for me. And that's how it's gonna be from now cuz you know what, screw everything.

Changing

And my algo showing me backstreets's as long as you love me as a flip off too. Thanks for that, and fuck you all. 

Every time I can't achieve something just the way I want it, I feel frustrated asf. It's not something I let go of, it's just something I wish to tackle over and over until it bends to my will. I just fucking hate sucking at something soooo much like just soooooooooooooooo much god ugh. Just wanna yell.  

~

Restless, listless and completely feel like running away from everything or to just stay super busy to avoid everything else lol. I wish life was more streamlined but some days all I feel is like I'm just drifting. Just feel like shit today...........

I am feeling anxious and I don't know why. Last two days have been so weird and I feel quite wired. Hope it eases out over the next couple of days. Hate feeling uneasy like this. 

~

Harum scarum

I'm not able to sleep again. :( everytime I go to play in the evening, I'm just so upbeat that it knocks my sleep sess off. What to do. This growing old business truly sucks. And I have to finish so many things too aaaa. Why am I so helter skelter todayyyyy. 

~

Omg my friend just sent me ice cream. That's sooo nice. He is a gem! Ugh. 

Waking up bright and early on happens on weekends when you actually wish to wake up and seize the day. Also, cease and seize are pronounced the same, weird. 

Tra la la la la esque feeling.

~

It happened again, I read the word hummingbird and then it was a crossword clue too today. I didn't know topaz was a kind of hummingbird tbh. You learn something new every day!

Noticing this odd pattern where I think of one word or see it and then immediately come across it again in a few hours. Typed 'decisions decisions', and then lo and behold, it showed up as a dialogue in some show that was playing. Played a person called niki, saw that name pop up on my group chat next. There's deffo a name for this phenom, or maybe the algos are creeping on us who fucking knows anymore. 

How very sad it would be if everything is simply wired and there's no mystery left in the years to come. Ugh. Charlatans can have a field day. 

PLEASE DON'T! I WISH FOR SOME MAGIC IN LIFE ✨✨

~

What did those woo woo people term it a while ago? Oh yes, MANIFESTINGGG!!! 

GIMME!

~

And now I was thinking pigtails and came across pig feet wuuut man.

I'm being messed with, 💯 

I've always loved lectures. And as I listen to howell, I realise I absolutely love listening to chess explanations and analysis. Between him and Sadler, they are two folks who I not only respect, but I realise they were actually my archetypes of what chess players would be. Preconceived notions I guess. Turns out they are the extreme minority lol. Strange. 

I'm finding it super interesting how he talks about fear of being judged and how that messed up his play. It's very rare for people to be so comfortable with themselves that they can share that stuff openly. "Got scared then got more scared" lol. He seems fairly authentic as a person, I like that tbh. Peoples' psychology fascinates me. I'm always on autopilot trying to sort and understand. A good bonus is finding people whose ethics and values make me feel comfortable and at ease.

Whether it's art or tech or now chess, I really do enjoy learning a lot. I hope that never changes. I'd like longer sessions a couple of times a week too if I can manage it. Would be good. Hope this man streams more and does implement his plan to have some chess focused explanations. Here's hoping. He is a fantastic at explaining tbh and the casual wit is a good plus. Magnus has good taste in people and friends. Now if only Sadler would play a bit on lichess, my chess needs would be dunzo! 

~

Edit. Wtf he actually is playing wuuuut! After fucking ages jeez. Damn what a lovely coincidence. If I can't play then atleast I can watch lol. God, I'm sucking haaaaard rn. 

It's so hot I feel like having a nice, cold beer. Only thing stopping me is the idea of going to fetch it lmao. Laziness supreme.

But I also have to run zomg. Maybe after that I won't feel like it. Decisions, decisions! 

~

Stupid niggling aches and pains that haunt my day now. Need to get serious about some stretches and strength training otherwise I'll just be hobbling about. Ugh. Maybe I can crib about pinky hurting to someone and have them baby me. 🙄 Then act like some mean, self absorbed girl who ignores everything about them. Lol. Can't even call these low blows when the are the absolute truth. Meh. Hahah many are the gripes I have against him, of varying degrees and spectrums. Oh well, what is life without a few characters that annoy us? Hating on them is sometimes cathartic. Ugh. HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SOOOOOO SELF OBSESSED WTFFFF AAAAAA. Crazy, he must be crazy. Stands to reason. 

~

I keep striving to be a person that course corrects her own flaws and fallacies and part of that was trying to teach myself to find red flags and be aware of them. It was never really the men in my life that were the flag bearers, only women lol. And I tried haaaard asf to extricate myself from toxic friendships. Guys were all pretty awesome except a couple or exceptions, esp that A. But he sucks and who cares. Rest were all really stand up people. And the one time I get to know a somewhat problematic person, his flaws register more as idiosyncrasies I find adorable as opposed to the red flags they portend to be. It makes me also realise how coddled I've been, because a look into that kinda world is something I find very harsh and messed up, it's simply not the kind of toxicity I wish to engage with. Heh. I suppose a part of me wishes he was a nice guy, cuz idiosyncrasies can be seen as adorable only when the right check boxes are clicked.  Your baseline, your core has to be solid and if I trust my mind over my gut then 💀. I believe in evidence at the end of the day. Such a pity, I refused to fool me. 

~

At times in life, lucidity strikes and it helps  stumble on some unfortunate realities. One of those is realising there are some games we play where there are no winners, just different degrees of fucking losers lmao. And some might say a perfect game is a draw, to those bright souls I only have this to offer : take thee perfection and suck it. 

Waking up, drinking coffee and checking news et al and then I see howell grind again. He does it for hours. Guess people at his level are truly obsessed with the game.

~

News is so fucking depressing it's getting worse by the day. Getting very tired of reading whatever new fuckery is happening in the world lol. Wtf yo. I wish to build a house in some mountainy place and chill tf out. Away from all this.

~

Listened to diego lunas segment with conan before sleeping. He seems like a good dude. I had loooved him in et tu mama tambien. I miss movies like that, with a heart and something open ended in their endings. Like knowing the world is your oyster and the future is unwritten. I like the world of possibilities it points to. Maybe the world has always been that way at whatever age, but you gotta find that spark. Who knows? Not me.

~ 

A busy day awaitssss

~

Today has been a useless day. Useless. I'm tired, cranky, had too much to do, felt like I accomplished nothing and now thought okay I'll play and unwind and instead lost everything so there. What a fucking travesty. Ugh. So stuck, can't think.

What a clown show.

Why am I so frustrated today, weird asf.

~

Blood moon makes me super uneasy to look at. Feels evil. I'm vvvvv out of sorts rn. What should I do?

Taking some time away from everything feels good, can realign a lil bit. I feel myself slipping away from a lot of things and idk maybe that is a good thing. I don't know what life might finally be about but atleast I know it should be about something that holds meaning. 

In the interim, while I am a person that holds no power, I would like to wish for the world to reset into a tamer, more positive and functional state. And I hope for goodwill and peace for people, no matter who and where they are. 

~

I'm going to be super low key this month and hopefully finish everything I'm working on. Lfg! Can't believe we are already in March like wtf

There are two people in this world who, troublesome as they are, are very important to me and the only reason I choose to protect their feelings at the cost of being exasperated is because I actually do give a shit. And one of them in particular deserves a dressing down bigtime. I love you dawg, a tad bit more than I hate you, which is why you kept getting free passes from me earlier. But they are finite, and will never extend to disrespectful behaviour, hell can freeze over before I allow for that. And I really wish people wouldn't expect me to cater to that bullshit ever again. 

Xoxo. 💋

Slow, show

Every time you walk away, you run away you take a piece of me with you there. Lol. Who knew gg had a song that would get stuck in my head like that. 

~

Lol. All I see is a snow globe again. And that stupid Christmas just looking in. I don't want to feel like that anymore.

~

"I'm not maternal, I've just been spending too much time with cyrus, I'm turning Jewish."I Hahah oh man. The gems in this show. Blair is legit hilarious. I never knew fussing over someone is a Jewish trait tbh. It's a good trait, we should all have it in some degree. I didn't realise it before, but the small nuggets they show about him getting her to enjoy food after she had an eating disorder was a way to show care. How nice. Food is something that's so fundamental and comforting at times. Feeding and cooking for someone just feels good. Broke my heart once to hear there's people who have to avoid stuff, it was purely baffling to me. Heh. Oh well. We get the lot we are dealt. 

~

" Only a masochist can love such a narcissist " lmao this show is mocking me now. Touche blair, finally found something you said that I can relate to. ✌🏼

Oh heyyy... They also used one of my fav songs by the National. Wuuut

Slow Show oh man. I love this style of singing. Slow, soft, showtime. 

~

That piano, man. Softly steals my heart everytime. To the author I say: don't be an asshole man, don't just keep screwing up. Courage, mon cherie💪

So low energy these past two days. Sleep makes such a difference now. If I'm not well rested I feel like a grump. And find it hard to do anything well. So annoyed. And March is already here. Years marching onnnnn