I am feeling anxious and I don't know why. Last two days have been so weird and I feel quite wired. Hope it eases out over the next couple of days. Hate feeling uneasy like this. 

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Harum scarum

I'm not able to sleep again. :( everytime I go to play in the evening, I'm just so upbeat that it knocks my sleep sess off. What to do. This growing old business truly sucks. And I have to finish so many things too aaaa. Why am I so helter skelter todayyyyy. 

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Omg my friend just sent me ice cream. That's sooo nice. He is a gem! Ugh. 

Waking up bright and early on happens on weekends when you actually wish to wake up and seize the day. Also, cease and seize are pronounced the same, weird. 

Tra la la la la esque feeling.

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It happened again, I read the word hummingbird and then it was a crossword clue too today. I didn't know topaz was a kind of hummingbird tbh. You learn something new every day!

Noticing this odd pattern where I think of one word or see it and then immediately come across it again in a few hours. Typed 'decisions decisions', and then lo and behold, it showed up as a dialogue in some show that was playing. Played a person called niki, saw that name pop up on my group chat next. There's deffo a name for this phenom, or maybe the algos are creeping on us who fucking knows anymore. 

How very sad it would be if everything is simply wired and there's no mystery left in the years to come. Ugh. Charlatans can have a field day. 

PLEASE DON'T! I WISH FOR SOME MAGIC IN LIFE ✨✨

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What did those woo woo people term it a while ago? Oh yes, MANIFESTINGGG!!! 

GIMME!

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And now I was thinking pigtails and came across pig feet wuuut man.

I'm being messed with, 💯 

I've always loved lectures. And as I listen to howell, I realise I absolutely love listening to chess explanations and analysis. Between him and Sadler, they are two folks who I not only respect, but I realise they were actually my archetypes of what chess players would be. Preconceived notions I guess. Turns out they are the extreme minority lol. Strange. 

I'm finding it super interesting how he talks about fear of being judged and how that messed up his play. It's very rare for people to be so comfortable with themselves that they can share that stuff openly. "Got scared then got more scared" lol. He seems fairly authentic as a person, I like that tbh. Peoples' psychology fascinates me. I'm always on autopilot trying to sort and understand. A good bonus is finding people whose ethics and values make me feel comfortable and at ease.

Whether it's art or tech or now chess, I really do enjoy learning a lot. I hope that never changes. I'd like longer sessions a couple of times a week too if I can manage it. Would be good. Hope this man streams more and does implement his plan to have some chess focused explanations. Here's hoping. He is a fantastic at explaining tbh and the casual wit is a good plus. Magnus has good taste in people and friends. Now if only Sadler would play a bit on lichess, my chess needs would be dunzo! 

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Edit. Wtf he actually is playing wuuuut! After fucking ages jeez. Damn what a lovely coincidence. If I can't play then atleast I can watch lol. God, I'm sucking haaaaard rn. 

It's so hot I feel like having a nice, cold beer. Only thing stopping me is the idea of going to fetch it lmao. Laziness supreme.

But I also have to run zomg. Maybe after that I won't feel like it. Decisions, decisions! 

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Stupid niggling aches and pains that haunt my day now. Need to get serious about some stretches and strength training otherwise I'll just be hobbling about. Ugh. Maybe I can crib about pinky hurting to someone and have them baby me. 🙄 Then act like some mean, self absorbed girl who ignores everything about them. Lol. Can't even call these low blows when the are the absolute truth. Meh. Hahah many are the gripes I have against him, of varying degrees and spectrums. Oh well, what is life without a few characters that annoy us? Hating on them is sometimes cathartic. Ugh. HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SOOOOOO SELF OBSESSED WTFFFF AAAAAA. Crazy, he must be crazy. Stands to reason. 

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I keep striving to be a person that course corrects her own flaws and fallacies and part of that was trying to teach myself to find red flags and be aware of them. It was never really the men in my life that were the flag bearers, only women lol. And I tried haaaard asf to extricate myself from toxic friendships. Guys were all pretty awesome except a couple or exceptions, esp that A. But he sucks and who cares. Rest were all really stand up people. And the one time I get to know a somewhat problematic person, his flaws register more as idiosyncrasies I find adorable as opposed to the red flags they portend to be. It makes me also realise how coddled I've been, because a look into that kinda world is something I find very harsh and messed up, it's simply not the kind of toxicity I wish to engage with. Heh. I suppose a part of me wishes he was a nice guy, cuz idiosyncrasies can be seen as adorable only when the right check boxes are clicked.  Your baseline, your core has to be solid and if I trust my mind over my gut then 💀. I believe in evidence at the end of the day. Such a pity, I refused to fool me. 

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At times in life, lucidity strikes and it helps  stumble on some unfortunate realities. One of those is realising there are some games we play where there are no winners, just different degrees of fucking losers lmao. And some might say a perfect game is a draw, to those bright souls I only have this to offer : take thee perfection and suck it. 

Waking up, drinking coffee and checking news et al and then I see howell grind again. He does it for hours. Guess people at his level are truly obsessed with the game.

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News is so fucking depressing it's getting worse by the day. Getting very tired of reading whatever new fuckery is happening in the world lol. Wtf yo. I wish to build a house in some mountainy place and chill tf out. Away from all this.

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Listened to diego lunas segment with conan before sleeping. He seems like a good dude. I had loooved him in et tu mama tambien. I miss movies like that, with a heart and something open ended in their endings. Like knowing the world is your oyster and the future is unwritten. I like the world of possibilities it points to. Maybe the world has always been that way at whatever age, but you gotta find that spark. Who knows? Not me.

~ 

A busy day awaitssss

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Today has been a useless day. Useless. I'm tired, cranky, had too much to do, felt like I accomplished nothing and now thought okay I'll play and unwind and instead lost everything so there. What a fucking travesty. Ugh. So stuck, can't think.

What a clown show.

Why am I so frustrated today, weird asf.

~

Blood moon makes me super uneasy to look at. Feels evil. I'm vvvvv out of sorts rn. What should I do?

Taking some time away from everything feels good, can realign a lil bit. I feel myself slipping away from a lot of things and idk maybe that is a good thing. I don't know what life might finally be about but atleast I know it should be about something that holds meaning. 

In the interim, while I am a person that holds no power, I would like to wish for the world to reset into a tamer, more positive and functional state. And I hope for goodwill and peace for people, no matter who and where they are. 

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I'm going to be super low key this month and hopefully finish everything I'm working on. Lfg! Can't believe we are already in March like wtf

There are two people in this world who, troublesome as they are, are very important to me and the only reason I choose to protect their feelings at the cost of being exasperated is because I actually do give a shit. And one of them in particular deserves a dressing down bigtime. I love you dawg, a tad bit more than I hate you, which is why you kept getting free passes from me earlier. But they are finite, and will never extend to disrespectful behaviour, hell can freeze over before I allow for that. And I really wish people wouldn't expect me to cater to that bullshit ever again. 

Xoxo. 💋

Slow, show

Every time you walk away, you run away you take a piece of me with you there. Lol. Who knew gg had a song that would get stuck in my head like that. 

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Lol. All I see is a snow globe again. And that stupid Christmas just looking in. I don't want to feel like that anymore.

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"I'm not maternal, I've just been spending too much time with cyrus, I'm turning Jewish."I Hahah oh man. The gems in this show. Blair is legit hilarious. I never knew fussing over someone is a Jewish trait tbh. It's a good trait, we should all have it in some degree. I didn't realise it before, but the small nuggets they show about him getting her to enjoy food after she had an eating disorder was a way to show care. How nice. Food is something that's so fundamental and comforting at times. Feeding and cooking for someone just feels good. Broke my heart once to hear there's people who have to avoid stuff, it was purely baffling to me. Heh. Oh well. We get the lot we are dealt. 

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" Only a masochist can love such a narcissist " lmao this show is mocking me now. Touche blair, finally found something you said that I can relate to. ✌🏼

Oh heyyy... They also used one of my fav songs by the National. Wuuut

Slow Show oh man. I love this style of singing. Slow, soft, showtime. 

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That piano, man. Softly steals my heart everytime. To the author I say: don't be an asshole man, don't just keep screwing up. Courage, mon cherie💪

So low energy these past two days. Sleep makes such a difference now. If I'm not well rested I feel like a grump. And find it hard to do anything well. So annoyed. And March is already here. Years marching onnnnn

God and devil are the perfect example of yin and Yang to me. All the time, there's just this quest for balance in everything all the time. Rarely have I ever come across people who crave balance, those who do are usually unbalanced asf. The mysteries of life. Stuff we crave the most defines us. 

And then I think of someone sweaty and how it would be to have sex with them right as they are. 

We are all so basic, so utterly mundane, wanting the same old thing then some more. From Mephistopheles to wanting a sweaty you, I sure am basic. Meh. And now my knee hurts, and I'm unable to sleep. Perfect.

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Beat a 2100 and still had tunnel vision and missed fucking mate in two. Why don't I ever think and play man sheesh. It's so annoying to think you played well only to discover it was stupid asf. Ugh. Two knights mate that too gah! Ffs. The only thing that makes it better is seeing that Howell grind forever and stills stay 28 hundo lmao. Me being bitchy to let off steam hahahah fuck it and fuck him also. Fuck everyone and this stupid game to boot. 🥾

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Even magnus takes time to think and play and here I am making 4 moves in 2 seconds like a fucking fool. Ugh. I'd be so much better if I was just not so impatient. Pathetic. 

20k words. Halfway through to a novella. I have to get this done! I'm structuring it as I go, I like the architecture part of this more than the actual writing lol. Building stuff is just so good and fun man. Understanding the why is always very rewarding. Hope I can finish this soon, would like to add a few illustrations to it as well. Then I can start working on my novel too. Gotta chop out distractions as we go, it's insane how many there are these days. Never a moment to get bored in, that's nuts. 

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Speaking of which the sheer number of calls I'm getting today aaaa. Driving me crazyyyy!! 

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Put Howell on yesterday while I was working just to get some bg white noise. It's interesting how that simply serves as a fidget spinner at times lol. Hehe. I find it hilarious that he just hates multitasking, tanks rating then goes on benders to regain it. Very therapeutic and relatable tbh. Haha. He also wants to be an independent creator, thinks he could have been like levy. Interesting how that guy is the gold standard in social media creation. Man, before pandemic I had no interest in chess whatsoever. Crazy to think what a 180 it has been. Good or bad, I'm glad it's a part of my life. I can't particularly share my interests with most people but it feels nice that I have stuff to keep myself occupied with that I enjoy. Years ago I decided I spend too much energy on people and decided to taper some of it off. Now that I have, I find days more enjoyable. That's good. Drama in doses is fun but never more than can be handled. Learning to be selfish lol. About time!

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I have to read too zomg. A MOUNTAIN BECKONS!!

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My insta just acts up randomly these days. It randomly removes the status update circle from some names. I wonder why it does that given I don't actually view people's stories. Weird.

15000 words done. Feels good. I can wrap this stuff up by next week. Holy cow I'm gonna be done with a novella. And it's simply for practice. That feels good. And I'm so damn tired rn. Hehe. I gotta churn out more. People talk about Brandon Sanderson churning out pages and pages and it's pretty incredible the volume he works at. 

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I need foooood.