Sometimes you find out something so heinous and terrible about a person that you lose all liking for them, and it's simply irrevocable. Sucks, but such is life. 

Marshall is soooo cute!!! Omg. Barked at me for sitting in his spot aaaaa. What a cutie man fuck.  Cheered me right up! Doggies are the bestest. 

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Watching gossip girl again lmao. It's the best brainless show to see when you feel zonked. Haha. Still can't stand blair and her constant backstabbing. I remember A and I used to see it during uni and she liked blair and I liked serena back in the day. I never realised why she related to her so much. Cuz she would behave exactly like that zomg. Completely missed that back then. But wow. Relating to that backstabbing was unreal. Crazy. Haha. 

Idk if anyone on this show is redeemable but over time I think mostly just chuck was someone I could atleast accept was loyal to everyone, so him. Haha. The biggest degenerate. It was weird how sexually ambiguious I used to find him though, never found a single dude attractive on this show. Didn't like Nate, he was too perfect, like a Nautica or an Old Navy ad. Not my type, esp the banging married women bit. Roofus was a doofus. Dan was a prat. It's weird but I think for me it's the personality that dominates attraction, I can't like a guy just cuz cute. Hehe, maybe that explains my lust for Cumberbatch and Jesse Eisenberg. 

" A heartfelt letter? Who spayed you man?" Hahahahah fuck. He has the best lines.

Oh fuck I just realised the lady who played Georgina passed away. Oh damn. Crap. Daaaaamn. 

Ok no words. :(

Out of all times of the day, I dislike afternoons the most. It's such a weird time. I dislike the sluggishness of it, the fact that everyone seems in a semi stupor, like a pause before evenings, which I love. 

The sheer mental boredom I feel at this hour is unmatched. 3 pm is usually the bane of my existence. Begone, quick!

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Dream Journal

Had a strange but nice dream, we went to some hotel like thing ... Me and idk someone was there who I vaguely remember... Was under renovation and I was bored and it had a newly restored restaurant that looked super old world. They had a buffet my friend wanted to check out and I kinda wanted to loiter around. True to form I also checked lichess in the dream to see someone tank their bullet rating to 2500 haha. Then went back to exploring the place. It felt like something straight out of the 60s, everything was plain and had newspapers laying about. Columns in the middle of the room, white and imposing, yellow walls, plants everywhere. A place that would deffo serve cherries jubilee and rum soaked puddings that someone lights on fire before serving you.

I like dreams that have a stress on architecture like this. Heh. The place was near a beach and had some very rustic spots. Maybe I had to pee that's why there was water lol. Who knows. Stupid inception ruining water bodies like that. Oops.

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I want more nice dreams and waking up early to the coolness of the mornings. Do I dare think I can wake up early enough to go out for a run?

I do not dare. 

Stupid stomach bug. I hate it. First time experiencing an actual stomach ache like what even is that. 

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Spoke to bro for 2+ hours was sooo nice. Hehe. Woke me up and then trashed me for being grumpy lmao... I love sibs. Just. Sometimes I wish I had like 3-4 it would have been soooo nice. Haha. Just sitting around pranking people and being annoying would have been suuuper fun

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Ugh. Watched one game of his guys', was thinking what if bd6 works, then he played it and then boom there was a counter, then he didn't check and gave up bishop and it lost on the spot. I am annoyed he lost. Can't even play half as well as him but it irritates me even now nonetheless if he loses. Haha. Fuck. The only person I'd grudgingly like to even see beat Sadler is him, as much as I love and respect old man. I miss seeing Sadler play tbh his chess is so darn beautiful. Hmmm. I'll get some wine and read his blog for a while maybe. Jeez. I really think he had it in him to atleast be at old man's level if he gave it his all. I know it would have been an excruciating journey to undertake but it I suppose I feel... Eh fuck it. No fondness for this person. Go play stupid moves idc. 🙄 Lose more also. 🖕🏼🖕🏼

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Omg there's a doggie called bingo here. BINGO! Awwwieeee... How cute. Patooties. Ugh. Love it. 

 It's like I've forgotten how to play chess completely 

Voicing out all I felt over the last couple of years and I don't particularly feel too good over it, in fact rereading it makes me feel low key sick. 

Heh...it's weird to be in a spot like this. I know I'm not going to address any of these things with her, because I know there's no point in it. Fuck it. Feels surreal, because I know there's an ending hidden in there somewhere. But meh. 

~

Let's stuff it in some big box and pretend it doesn't exist. 

Like we always doooo!  

In the midst of periods, stomach ache, and generally wanting to fucking die, seeing young Nadal pics gave me so much joy lmao

Just. No notes, just a heartfelt Mama Mia! 😭 ♥️

 Feels like I've become a tad bit slow. Strange. 

I do not like this feeling one bit. How to reset? 

Ugh. And I feel sick, stomach hurts like crazy. Wtf did I eat? Ughhhhh. I hope my eggs are not spoilt 😔. Oh maaan hurts so much I can't think.

~

Damn, I've never woken up in the middle of the night with a stomach ache before. Wtf yo.  Feeling so weird and uneasy 

I am making such silly mistakes that I'm now back to being super annoyed at myself. 💀 Tanked 100 straight points istg I better get to atleast 2200 to make up for this bullshit

Worries

I worry about people all the fucking time. Mom was telling me she thought I called her when she was out. And I realise that I actually do that a lot. When she travels, when dad travels, even when bro travels. One time I was annoyed when he didn't tell me he was in turkey also lol. Hahah fuck that earful I wanted to give him.  

Hehe. I guess I just enjoy babying people. 🍼🐣Not actual babies, just people. Oh good lord, a baby peed on my face once hahahaha. Boy babies. Always causing chaos. Didn't even know what to do just held him like simba while he peed across the room hahahaha fuck. Oh man. He grew up to be such a naughty kid too, I recall him trying to ignore his mom when she scolded him and act extra loving to whoever else was present to make her jealous. Loool. How can small kids be so full of personalities, it's actually quite interesting to see. 

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Aaaah. I'm turking for some good chess content tbh. Playing like shit need some good inspo lol. Where is Sadler? I miss following his games too. Ugh. Old man not playing enough lol. Fuck dude, being 50 and being so damn good esp at bullet even now it's insane. 

I NEED INSPO!!!

For the first time, trying to schedule something for a decade from now. Heh. I hope this Lil niche of mine stays intact for ever. And I hope I come across that post ten years from now. Wow. That will be something. I'm curious to find out where and how life would be then. I hope it's great. May peace and love find us all, and in the darkness light the way.

Playing rapid again so badly I wish to scream lots and also throw things. I fucking hate losing

Hiccups

These stupid silly things are so damn cute to me. I love it soooo much! Haha. I want someone to give me this lmaooo.  

Hiccups! Right on cue! 

They say you hiccup when someone is thinking of you. So right at this moment, whoooo is thinking of me? 😬 Better be something nice lol. 

~

Do I dare restart gardens of the moon? I really wish to know why people love this book but it is so doggone tedious. Just feels stupid asf, the writing is a drag and yet people praise it to high heaven and compare it to lotr so like.... Wuuut. 

Snap, snap

I am quite irritated at the moment. There's so many folks who snap at people whenever the feel like and I've avoided that all my life.  But I've started realising that's it's important to voice out irritation to people otherwise it just ends up festering. So who can I snap at? 😤

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Ugh. Should just go for a run, but I'm so scared of overdoing it and then injuring myself yet again. Argh. Annoooooyyyyyyyed. 

~

Oh hey, T is streaming. Hmmm. I can atleast put it on in the bg, his music always soothes. Also, I like his work ethic so much. Smart, humble and has the right principles. That's a rarity these days. 

Hmmm. I suppose I could watch Howell, it's been ages since I saw one of his vods. Maaaan... In a sea of petty weirdos atleast he seems like a normal bloke, lord I hope he doesn't turn out to be a nutter too lmao. Here's hoping. 

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3 more days till periods it says gah. Lol. I feel like snapping at that guy also haha. Fuck. Just because.  

I am a hater today. I shall own this for the next few hours. If he pops back to read this... Pls know I hate you vvv much. Like lots. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Aaaaaa. Suck it, world! Everyone sucks. 😤

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I hate a barnacle as no man ever did before - Charles Darwin. 

I agree with you, Sir! Stupid Barnacles.

~

Imma listen to Worakls...Chateau La Coste concert. Make me feel good, french musician san. Pls. And I want some 🥟 dumplings and some 🍫. Boo. And to cry. Ugh. Periods should come tonight, they better. 

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Waking up after this rant and I dreamt of a vampire trying bother me lmaoooo. Ohhh boy hahahah. The oddities of life and sleep

I love fauda, I really do. Dammit. All the actors are great too. I'd like to travel to Israel someday, it looks so beautiful. C was also saying he spent some time there, and it was really nice. 

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I feel like some places in the world carry so much history that it becomes one of the ancient seats of civilization. There's a sense of awe and beauty in it that defies definitions. I think I want to spend time there and some other parts of the world too. That's how I'll spend retirement, just exploring. The seven ancient wonders, try to find them. Heh. That would be a nice quest.