Something very soothing about seeing Howell just grind for hours only for his rating to remain the same lol. Very therapeutic hahahah. Cheap thrills.

~

Heh, M and bro learning to cook from this, was talking about my love for babka and challah only to find baby bro learning to cook lol. It's cute man. I'm glad he is a well raised kid, and he knows how to be considerate and take an interest in things she likes. It comes so naturally to him as well. That's really nice, more guys should be like him. I hadn't realised how close Isrealis are to their roots but it's very nice to see. I admire how resilient they are, and how rooted. 

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Ugh now I also want babka. It's been ages!! Only time I've liked chocolate and bread together, all others are blasphemous. Even the French don't get it right 😤

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Back to watching boring old man chess with my coffee ☕ 

~

If I were a dog, I'd wag my tail at the thought of some people. And that feeling is a constant hehe. I hope M is also as nice as my brother says she is, it'll be good to have another person to be fond of! ♥️ Hehe, atleast one M in my life needs to be wholesome hahahaha... Please universe! 

Guy Ritchie is such a goated filmmaker. He does so many things soooo well. I really should do a marathon movie sess someday and see these back to back. Heh. I love so then so much. I should watch all those oldies like Rocky also, idk why I've never seen these. They are just such boy films lol. Hence the resistance. Even loved the old Bond films. Hmmm. Some weekend. SH and I used to do this sooo much. We were total movie buffs, him more than me though. I guess now things are different. Don't know too many folks who like movies. Sadge. 

~

I'd like to actually like being around some movie buffs for a change. 

Paging Dr. House

Hugh Laurie is SO HOT. Oof. Those eyes, that face, that voice. Everything about him is just 🤌

~

I have an affinity for flawed characters to an extent. Not too flawed, but just enough. And bonus points for that witty way of speaking oof. Heh. I remember crushing hard even at this fellow's humor and way of speaking from back when he was more cutesy and less angsty haha. Adorable. That slow nagging thing he could do and it comes soooo naturally to him.Wish he was more on that side now. Meh. False hopes. Maaan. It's kinda like that jesse Eisenberg way of speaking. I just love it soooo much. Wit and sharp minds are total KRYPTONITE. Even think Howell is quick and witty tbh. Like his humor as well. Very low key funny and wholesome. 

~

Anywayyy...back to Laurie! Legit fine actor tbh. And SO 🥵 🤌

Trying out electrolytes for the first time wuuut. Tastes so bad yukky. I hope my cramps are simply cuz I'm dehydrated. Someone was spamming me reels of people running 5k and drinking in the middle of it and I was like wuuut... I'd just throw up straight. Can't even imagine this bullshit. Also, why, whyyy would you ever want to do something so stupid it doesn't even take long to run a 5k just finish it and then drink like... 💀 

Oh fuck, naro's cause of death came out. Damn man. Straight up drugs wtf. Shit. This is so bad

I don't even know what mitragynine is. Fuck man, I remember seeing an old interview of his where he looked like he lost a shit ton of weight and that usually indicates drugs, but never once did I think it'll be straight up meth like what the actual fuck. I thought some stupid stuff for adhd and lack of food.

~

It's crazy how people seem normal and bright and then do this to themselves idk what to even think. I don't understand. How can you have all that you want in the world and then damage yourself like that? This is so fucked up. I wish they hadn't released cause tbh, would have been a lot better without people speculating. Terrible way to go. I feel sad now. I hate krams though, I feel like he picked a nerve that hurts the most and kept pressing like the fucktard he is, and he still won't stop. What a ghoul. Some people are literal dementors.

Song for Zula

 Phosphorescent

There was a time when I liked this song lots. Listening again and I don't resonate as much. Heh. A journey in words and lyrics. Feels strange at times. 

Heh. 

The first one is minimal and a bit pastel like and so I dig. The other is just so goofy and that smile. I like simplicity, it's the basis for trust.

COME TO ME ILL GIVE YOU LOVE AND HUGS.  

And I will never let you be down on yourself, never eva eva again.

~

Heyyy Lazarus. Heh. Porcupine Tree for the win. I'm glad I grew up on classic rock and alt rock and the likes. Steven Wilson for the win here. Blackfield, pineapple thief, dream theatre... How much I used to listen to them. Aviv Geffen collabs are so nice. Should listen again.

Funny how both these songs have moonlight in it. I like. I guess the softness of nighttime has this eerie whispery romance to it. It won't burn you. Come to us, Lazarus. I don't know too many biblical references, but I find myself gravitating towards learning some more. Feel like stories teach us a lot, and if we weren't forced to adhere, we might just willingly love. 

~

Man, some rock music had absolutely megalomaniacal lyrics. So all encompassing, cringe and fun. In Absentia and such. 

Trains

Still like the interlude in the middle.

Interesting. Lmc how Poets of the fall hold up. Carnival of rust it issss. Let's goooo

Hiding

I am straight up avoiding answering damn. I  don't recall the last time I behaved this way with someone but man. I just do not know what else to do. I am completely not on board with forced closeness, I hate it and I don't like being in a spot where being rude is the only option. 😔 I do not know what to do. Damnation. 

~

Fuck it, embracing shamelessness what else can I do. I absolutely do not wish to deal with her I just do naaaat. Outrageous. 

~

It actually stresses me out man. Like. Hmmm. I don't know how to mitigate that. I really don't. Shit dude. It's an odd thing to do, to be this averse to stuff but I just am. I used to think I let things build up without addressing them until I'm saturated then I just quit. But I don't think that's accurate, I guess I just wait around to see if things change but when they don't and people treat me badly I just shut down and then stop wanting to engage. Also, people are fucking nuts what is up with thaaat. Huh? Huh? Why are people sooooo weird and nuts like whooooooo gives grief for all the shit she gave me grief for and now she is telling me HER GRANDMOTHER IS SICK. like. What even. Fuck. I am so annoyed even hearing this ngl. Barely two hours after my akka was cremated this woman was straight up giving me ultimatums saying talk to me or else and now showing up out of the blue and saying hey wanna catch up. Fuck me. Ugh. Ok rant done. Sheesh. 

~

Closeness can be tricky. If you don't feel at ease with someone then it feels like some obligation to be a certain way and I hate that... I hate feeling like I'm catering to someone and a lot of times controlling people react in such strong ways that I feel like I give in just to avoid conflict and then resent them later. Terrible. 

~

Lesson to learn. Skip town if you feel threatened. That's is. Idc that's who I am now lol. Fuck it yo. Fuck eeettt. No point to stress. I says this while hiding on signal and avoiding insta and WhatsApp when I can lmao. Fucksies. I am quite pathetic lmao. Idc man, I want to be treated right and this simply isn't it. I want only niceness :(

Bullet

Beat an IM 3-1, and now I'm 2200 bullet. Weird. I should feel good but I don't. Strange. 

Oh my goodness I am truly a wuss jesus chrit 

Ooof. 

The idea that a controlling person is upset with me and wants me to explain to them why I didn't cater to their whims is something I do not find palatable. To an extent that I just run away lmao. 

Maaaan. I just hate being cornered. I hate it. God. 

I SHALL RUN AWAY. 

♥️

Everyone doing 2016 throwbacks and I am in shock its 2026. But I'm glad I'm here and not back there. I felt like I finally found my footing in 2022, and I'm very happy about that. That year changed my trajectory, in retrospect. Hehe. Maybe that's why I'm so fond of the nuttiest person I've ever known lol. 

~

I used to always wonder about whether life has a purpose and do we have a trajectory we are meant to find, a few things along the way made me feel like maybe there is something like that. Or maybe just all random chaos. The fact that we exist just feels like it isn't chaotic but who knows. Either way, I do feel some things are meant to be. And if we go by that logic, I suppose worrying about outcomes isn't useful, just gotta enjoy the run and the scenery. Heh. All in all, let's que sera sera again, this time with a bit more serenity.

♥️

Me, 2026

Losing and gaining the same rating in bullet is a special kind of hell. And god I hate bullet. I hate it. Just. Despise it. Even though I want to be better at it lol. Madness. Wasted a Sunday lmao. 

Lines

News is so toxic man like wtf is going on. I never thought I'd be worried about the future but I actually am now. Damn dude. I wish whatever is broken gets fixed and this timeline just goes back merrily chugging along as it used to. I'd take boring and slow over this bs any day. This isn't where we were meant to be. 

~

For the first time in my life I am worrying about everyone I know. Their safety, their well-being. All of it. It's very scary all that I have seen so far and I find it so hard to believe. 

Shadow hits a ball

One of the bitchiest things about getting older is fucking warm ups man. Warm ups are a bitch. And not warming up translates to soreness. Stupid leg cramped in ten mins then I had to suck it up and finish my run with that twinge. All because I didn't bother with stretching. 

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I do not like this at all. I don't want to injure myself so I'll have to buckle down and be a wuss and do my stretches like the good girl I am... I cannot believe djoko is still doing fucking 5 setters over 2 weeks the amount of strain that must be is insane. Oh well. I wonder how he does this season, does he exit 2nd round? Don't even know his draw though. 

~

Now that's a fantastic pic, worthy of 1st prize. Beautiful!

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Some stuff the army community does well, it's so nice to see. 

Didn't even know our apartment lawns can be used for a small event space, but it was nice to see. Hehe. I'm proud of our armed forces, and I'm glad I grew up in their midst. I miss Gymkhanas and Polo events with hats and tiny hors d'oeuvres on toothpicks haha. 

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Heh, the menu also says baked beans lol. How very british, even in their absence. I never realised growing up how many influences are actually Brit in the forces. From the tiered hierarchy, to the events, to sometimes the menu as well. Interesting. 

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I want to drink and dance to rihanna. Where's my umbe rella ella eh eh

Lunching with women now just feels like it's a distorted version of adulthood I used to despise as a youngling. It's so stifling with all the rules and the weirdness. Why do people become like this? Am I also samezies? Oh good lord the horror. 

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Over time, my outgoingness has been replaced by selectiveness. Company that's boring feels intolerable. It's strange but I actually simply prefer fun folks who like weird things and can engage in conversation that's not about people but things. I find overtly sensitive people very stifling too, their penchant for taking offence at pretty much everything gets on my nerves. 

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Meh. I used to be a people person lmao. Wut do I do? How do I turn back time?

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Fuck this, AO starts tomorrow omgggg. I shall never forgive meddy for not showing me his skills 😤

Omg I wish there was another challenger in men's, I read safin crying about new gen still letting djoko make deep runs and it's true why you younglings and saplings not beating him....!!

OMG TENNIS SEASON IS BACK!

One day streak of waking up early lol. Ooof. Even looking at the screen feels weird. Heh. Back to another snooze.

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Saturdays are lovely though, my fav day of the week. Mostly cuz you can wake up as you want, at noon if you prefer. Its going to be a sunny one today, I can sense it. Stupid winters are over 😭 now I can't be cozy. 

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I wish to be 2100 rapid wtf why am I not. Not once in my life have I played this stupid game and felt good about myself or my play, in fact the more I learn the more I realise how shit I am at it what a joke. Lmao. Caissa was looking to mock people, I am very sure of it. 

~

I think I need to figure out which consistent error I make, usually it's playing too fast and don't look at solving something hard enough. If you stave off an attack 3-4 moves deep then the opponent loses momentum, but gotta do that and not be lazy. I also want to try playing from the opponents side to get used to seeing their potential moves. Hmmm. Ugh. I have to eliminate these silly errors soonly. Ugh. 

Made in Abyss

I recall someone sharing they went to watch Thor first day and they went early to get tickets thinking it'll be sold out, only to find out there were just few other kids in the theatre. That's when I thought I should grow up he said haha. 

And as I sit here watching anime, it hasn't even occured to me to consider growing up lmao. Literally just wondering if I should get a drink that's about it and even for that I'm too cosy to go down to the store lol. Was supposed to meet S too, and I didn't wanna drive to town so bailed. 

I guess I'm never growing up, and that's perfectly fineeee. 

~

Ooo I also beat a 2100. That was nice. Why am I not 2100 though? 😿