I don't allow myself to go down the road of wonderment anymore, and I've forced myself to accept things and people as they appear to be. But after alllll these years on this planet why is my Achilles heel so unchanged and why am I perpetually expecting to see good in someone? I don't know why I'm like this. I know this trait doesn't serve me well, but I have to keep on reminding myself of horrid things just so I don't fall back into accepting shitty behaviour lol. What a fucking joke, huh. I just never understood something fundamental... Why is it that loving oneself means choosing not to love someone freely. Like those things are simply incompatible to the point that it's always one or the other? And why are some people so messed up and so abusive that the only thing they can do is be nasty, so consistently? Loving them is not a cure, it's just a curse you invite on yourself because they will ensure any moment of happiness you feel is a threat to be destroyed. The thing I fear isn't that someone is nasty, it's that I might choose to love them and then get hurt. It's very hard for me to write someone off or idk maybe it's hard for me to conceptualise the idea that I want better? In the end it's not as if the person will change so accepting you want better means leaving them to invite the possibility of someone new and that's hard when you care about someone. Next time, I'm simply going to be super guarded and not let someone in until I feel safe and cared for. On that I shall not budge. There's never going to be a substitute for effort. 

~

Gah. If you insist on being my weakness atleast be my strength in other ways why is that so hard lmao. Haha. Atleast that trade off would be worth it. 

~

My friend kept talking about S and her husband and how bad they are together and in my mind all I see is my friend who is living a similar life and she doesn't see it. There's something so tragic about a woman that keeps making excuses for their partner and all you see is how shitty the person they chose is. I find it hard to be around them now cuz it just feels toxic and I don't want to be in that zone. I'm finding it super tough to forgive a lot of her behaviour too. Esp the way she attacked my equation with my brother. That was such an awful line to cross and she didn't even realise that she was crossing it. I hate her for it. I really do. And I can't seem to forgive it anymore. Maybe all the shitty behaviour has caught up and while I understand that being around that idiot bf of hers might take a toll, I've reached a point where I'm like hey it wasn't my choice and I don't want to be your punching bag for whenever you feel shitty. I just. Idk man. Hate is a strong word but there are times I've started feeling a very strong revulsion to her and it makes me want to just snap. I fear losing my temper would be unpleasant and thus far I haven't but I'm sick of having to fend off these random attacks and that mindless virtue signalling she gets up to. 

Heavy lies this realisation. Maybe addressing it would be the only thing to do but good god I hate these confrontations so much ugh. Yet another Achilles heel haha. Just hate confrontations sooooo much. 

Ugh. What do I do? Someone solve my issues for me pls. Thanks. 

Snap

Spectating a game and I was about to say wtf win win win lmao. Fuck. It was so frustrating to see someone tank a winning position lmao. Aaaaa. Man, I have to hand it to chess coaches who are titled players like it must be soooooo annoying for them to see stuff like this all the time. I would be soooo annoyed ahhahahha. Fuck. Respect to my betters, truly! 😁♥️

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Hmmm... Imma just laze away the morning today, and read some of Sadlers blog too. Oof. So happy to chill like this woohoo

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Ugh I fucking love wing gambit muhahaha. Felt like going into uncharted waters. 😭😭😭 And I could beat that 2100 also with it felt so nice. Dammit some days I love chess ugh. 

~

Watching titled arena and all the better players are also in the range on 28-29 with... Oh wow noone above 3k. Whatever happened? Hmmm. Heh. I'd have pushed someone to get in the fray and try earlier for sure. There's a part of me that feels really happy to see people do well tbh. Esp ones I've cared about. Weird that I have to keep smacking that part down now haha. Oh well. Let's reserve it for people who genuinely care about me. I used to feel bad earlier that this guy used to have very unsupportive people around him but idk. I have to accept that maybe he himself is like that so like begets like. Anyway, why dwell. 

~

Wow even Naro is 28 that's crazy he used to be 31ish iirc. Hmmm. Weird. I've never doubted his integrity but it sure is strange to see him lose his edge this year. All that witch hunting must have taken a toll on him. Sucks. 

~

AHAHAHAHHAA. OMGGGG

MY CURRENT FAV CHESS PIC EZPZ. I LOVE THIS. 

Hehe. This is so absurd and cute omggg. Let's go candidatesss

 💀💀 The number of fucking losers that start dming bs on lichess is so annoying aaaa. I never respond but istg somedays I feel like hurling some nasty words their way fuck. Gah. Fuck. How tf are people so crazy that they start fucking dming without prompting sheesh. Stupid cunts. Ugh. So annoyed at this bullshit

Canon in D

I feel oddly relieved. And then I saw a rainbow too lmao. Hehe, that was super nice. 

~

Just want to sigh and look at the rain tbh. All whimsy.

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Omg i can't even hahahah omgggggg. I just. The only thing that makes this song better just the only thing. 

Oscar

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Dammit I love this song so damn much it's crazy I'd lived all my life without hearing it haha. O fortuna indeed. How can I gripe against you when you bring me such joy too? 

~

As silly as it might be, all the love I've ever felt in my life, it can be captured within the notes of this song for me. Move me to tears, why don't you already? I love you so damn much. I really do. ♥️

~

Love

Damn. I agree with the first comment. 100 years ago, you probably only heard this once in your life. Fuck. I never thought of it like that. Music was so rare to come by. Fuck. That's nuts. Privileges we never appreciate we have. Somehow the idea that you hear this just once is also beautiful.  

~

The fact that I'm wearing cosy socks as I write this while the rain pours outside makes it just so nice. 🙂 

Fuck I'm actually enjoying slow chess zomg. This is so fun. WHY DID I PLAY BULLET.

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Wtf I'm already 2k rapid and it wasn't even tough just random missed tactics galore from my side. Zomg we are such noobs at chess man. This is shameful. I wonder by what rating can one safety say one knows how to play decent chess. Deffo not 2k rapid. 💀😕🙅‍♀️

~

I hate that even now it doesn't really feel challenging per se. I want to play some people who really just destroy you, it's somehow more fun to be locked in and think. Hmmmm. Idk I hate the bit where I just hang piece or something then lose its just stupid asf. Ugh. I thought reaching this would feel good but it doesn't. Can't believe I was stuck at 1700 for so long too. Something is very wrong with my playing lmao. I'm deffo the problem hahahaha. Fuck it. 

~

Sadlers blog is a marvel. So good man, I admire how much effort he puts in this stuff. Respect. 

~

Hehe, ranked 40 points straight. Atta boy. Now it feels normal 😄. So basically mindless playing is what kills it haha. Roots.

~

Anyhoo, after today I'm going to keep to 3-4 games a day and that should be good enough. 

~

Whew. Beat a 2100 also a piece down and it wasn't hard per se. Interesting. So I should aim at 2150ish rating at the very least. How nice. I shall try. 💪😤

Sugar exception

Waking up to the sun in my face and it feels all warm and sweet lol. A good nights rest makes all the difference in the world. Hehe. 

~

The first kitkat I've ever liked and it's matcha lol. 

Asians make some interesting flavour combos. Never expected this to be good and instead I love it lol. 

~

Goes well with coffee grumpy face

Some days I love chess oof what a thrill... Managed to win a piece down against someone 100 points higher rated and this just feels good. Awful game by me but worse one by him haha so idc. Really gotta stop hanging pieces lol. Still, rn idc I'm just happy 😁 

~

Listening to my friend talk about S and her dysfunctional asf husband and I'm just stunned. How can you live with someone so abusive man. Sheesh. Willingly marrying him, paying all his bills, seeing him be drunk daily, all the yelling, the bad behaviour, what the fuck even brother. And him just throwing a fit and threatening to leave when you are buying a house like what even. Who behaves like this dude. Oh god what a nightmare. And how tf does a grown man throw such tantrums like yuck it's so repulsive. I hate hate hate this childish bullshit like I'm flying back and sending screenshots of plane tickets aaaaa. So revolting. I'm so glad I wasn't in town to meet these lunatics I'd have just snapped lmao. 

Sometimes life just keeps giving warning signs upon warning signs to people and they do not want to take it. I cannot imagine being around abusive drunks dude lord I hope I never see one cuz no fucking way. 

Sometimes the world is just fucking scary like you never know what kind of person someone is. But I mean. 

~

Haha my friend threw away all the sheets and disinfectanted the house after they left lmaoooo. Bad juju begoneeee!! Hahahha fuck... I totally get why man. This is insane. I hope she never talks to those people again truly. I was so mad to hear that she hosted them and that loser dude was rude to her gawdddd. Just. Ugh. People like this should be shown the door and have the door slammed in their face after. 

~

Kids of parents like these will have such a tough time. To see a father constantly being abusive towards a mother is so fucked up for a small kid. What hell people create. 

This one's life is a lesson dude. Like often even I've found myself in a spot where I wish to forgive someone for treating me badly but then you realise that's what they always do and what you always do is forgive. It ends up just emboldening the abusive folks. It's easy to be nice, some people just don't want to, or want you to be happy. Just leave. 

When have I heard this before? I like that beat so much. 

The Unknowing

~

Nice cat too 

Ugh. Drank a beer after so long and now I don't feel good lmao. I don't like drinking anymore 😞. Messes up sleep too. My one great love. At this rate I'll become an annoying vegan in the next few years. Haha. Fuck. That would be fun. 

~

I want a bath and I also want to sleep what do I do.... Dilemmas dilemmaaaas 🚿 

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5 hours later and I've LAZED THE DAY AWAY. Shameful lmao. Need bathhhhh 😵

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Finally home ugh. STILL NO BATH. lmao. I've become a degenerate. Damn I miss home though. 

Wow watching rajat kapoors take on brothers karamazov and omg how have you butchered dosto so badly 😵😕

Juuuust so bad zomg. 

Cold days with cloudy weather. Quintessential throwback to the city I used to love. It's gotten so different now. I miss the old world vibe it once had, now it's just reaching a level of soulless that I associate with every generic city. Damn man. Yearnings. Just want to sleep in today so lazyyyy

So tired of this world ugh. Wake me up when everything is normal. 😔

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Making pesto and I can't help but feel as if I'd love to make some for someone who enjoys eating lol. I like home cooking esp if it's for someone else. Just little, little things that I enjoy doing for someone, it gives me a lot of joy. Even small simple things like making sure the fridge is stocked and there are few things in it that someone enjoys eating etc. I enjoy that. I loooove spoiling people with all this stuff. Guess it's my love language, taking care of people in tiny ways. 

Something so therapeutic about a slow game lol. Legit enjoyed it. The uber mindlessness of bullet really has taken a toll I'm just averse to it rn. Good. Hopefully that aversion lasts. No more pining for 2100 bullet lol. Let's get slow rating for that. 

Back to 10+0. Doesn't feel that bad tbh. Only annoying when the pairing is against some new account lol. Oh well. Let's gooooooo. So fucking fed up of bullet like damn. Mindless asf. 

~

AAAAAA

fucking played that stupid 1+0 again ugh and lost 2k and now want it back ugh ugh ugh. I hate this. 

It's interesting to see so many people dress up for festivals. I've never had any desire to participate in any lol. Even today, I'm like a grouch just hiding away from it all lol. I guess I can't make myself do anything that my heart is not set on. It's a weird internal stubbornness that I've come to accept. Haha. Like me accepting it is of utmost importance lol. Its like I just don't understand one large part of humanity. 

I was just revisiting the grand inquisitor also coincidentally and I'm Ivan through and through. Even there I have loads of bones to pick with dosto lol. I feel like a huge fundamental flaw in his work is that he is a reluctant believer. So was Kierkegaard and they all spun around in circles trying to rationalise belief or rather their own desires to believe. Hehe. Well, not Kierkegaard in the same way as dosto but like... Idk I feel this man's anguish in his works and it makes me sad but also makes me wonder how he didn't just understand that you can be good for the sake of being good. That you can accept the universe as is, and choose to define your role in it. I think the Stoics were practical in that sense. Hmmmm. 

It's a good backdrop. Watching people dressed up and be festive and ponder wtf was dosto all about haha. 

~

Paradoxical it may be, but I value the importance of prayer and belief and the role in plays in people's lives. I think it's very important to feel loved and secure and know that someone somewhere cares to protect you. There's a lot of good in that. I don't feel it needs to be transactional in that hey I'll be good so pls gimme reward. I think if you can breathe deep and act from a place of security and acceptance about your own self, you can choose to do right for others without thinking it diminishes your own resources. It's a very unfinished thought. But it's not like rn I have the time to finish it I gotta go put on a smile and exchange niceties lol. 

Cheers to the believers. You are all sinners but it's nice to see you all pretend otherwise hehe.